Happy 1st Birthday Sammy!!!

My dear sweet Sammy,

Another year has gone by and we miss you more than ever.  There isn't a day that goes by that I don't pray for you or think about you.  I know that you asked our good Lord for a baby sibling so that we wouldn't be here alone, without you.  So THANK YOU my sweet angel... but I still wish so much that you were here, on earth, with us.  The little bear you see at the side here was sent to us by Angel Whispers and we have kept it as a memento of you - it sits by the candle that we light each night and think of you up in heaven.  The last few nights, the stars have been so bright and I often see one prominent star 'peeking' into our window and looking down on me - I can't help but wonder if that is a small message for us from heaven?


Last night, just a few minutes short of midnight, the candle started to flicker and it died almost right at midnight.  It's strange how the wick just happened to end at that particular date and time.  I figured it was fitting that we light a brand new candle for you this evening - I've selected a burgundy candle for you that has an apple cinnamon smell - we'll be lighting it for you tonight.

I often think and wonder how big you would be, would you be walking/crawling?  How many baby teeth would you have by now?  Would you be excited at the prospect of a new baby brother or sister?  Or are you excited about this new baby up in heaven?  I must admit that sometimes I worry that you might be a little jealous that your baby sibling will hopefully get to stay with us, while you are so far away - I hope and pray that isn't the case.  You know, our sweet babe, how much we love and miss you and how much we wish that you could be here with us.  I miss seeing your gorgeous blue eyes [and that is the only thing I can be sure of based on simple biology] and knowing your sweet baby smell.  How I wish that you could have kept us up for hours, or how much we could have heard your voice if even for a moment, or a second to simply hold you... I've prayed for a glimpse of you in my dreams, and even thought I sometimes dream of you, I've never seen your face.  Even that one night, months ago, where I woke up to see a fuzzy, light image floating at the foot of the bed for a moment - but I didn't see YOU.  Even though there is a new baby coming so very soon, you are always in our thoughts and our hearts.  Your baby brother/sister will know all about you and you will not be forgotten, my sweet child.  That is why I made a point of including you in our maternity photos and hope to always have you in our family portraits as well.  Even though you are not here, Sammy, you are a very special part of our family.

It's so hard for me to believe that we were expecting you two years ago!  In some ways, it seems that we lost you so long ago, and at other times it seems that it was just yesterday.  There are days when I can think of you and smile, but then there are days when I think of you and cry.  It pains me to even think that some people don't believe you were real...  we have a constant reminder of you living right next door to us - another little boy who was born a day after you, and who I know would have been a great playmate of yours.  I can't help but see you, whenever I see him... and I haven't even seen his face as I hide whenever I see his mom or dad coming, as the tears are always there as I wish you were here and not so far away.

Lent is always such a sad time for us now, much sadder than it was ever before.  Last year, your birthday fell on a gloomy and rainy day, which matched our mood perfectly.   This year, it is sunny and warm out, almost as if the weather was telling us that the darkness and gloom of last year has passed and that happy and sunny days are ahead - we hope so.  Daddy and I play on going for a walk later and I'm sure we'll be talking and thinking of you!  

If I were to think of a 'silver lining' to all of this, it is the fact that I've 'met' so many wonderful women who also share my grief, either through their blogs or through the Bible Study I did.  I'm honored and humbled to know that you will be remembered by these wonderful ladies, and I hope that you enjoy playing with their sweet babies in heaven.  I know that you are in the good hands of God and His angels, as well our relatives, including your grandpa, your great-grandparents, great aunts and uncles...so many people who love you up there!  Just know that there are also people who love you right here!

Sending you hugs and kisses my sweet baby and Happy 1st Birthday in Heaven!!

Love,

Mommy and Daddy

We're almost there!

It's so hard for me to believe that we are now in our 37th week with Thumper!  This entire pregnancy has seemingly flown by and I'm sad to see it coming to an end.  I love our 'down time' in the evening, when I finally put my swollen feet up, and Thumper moves around like crazy.  I love that feeling of the baby moving, but I wish that Freddie could experience it as well.


At today's OB appointment, my bp continues to be good. 118/74 with a heartbeat of 84 for me, and 150-170 for Thumper, which the OB called 'perfect' - which was frankly music to my ears!  I've had no bleeding, no braxton hicks [unless you count a bit of cramping] and nothing out of the ordinary.  About 2 weeks ago, I started suffering from Carpal Tunnel Syndrome, which I had no idea was part of pregnancy. My hands are so swollen that I can't sleep at night due to the pain, I can't bend my fingers which makes holding a toothbrush comical and I can't even open up my pill bottles.  My feet are also starting to swell up now and my shoes are constantly tight despite being slip ons.


Life continues unchanged.  I've applied for our federal maternity leave program and am waiting to hear if I will be approved.  IF I am approved, then my work is willing to top up the payments for 3 months, so that would be a huge help.  Freddie continues to be unemployed, despite scouring every nook and cranny for possible jobs.  It's just a bad time here and not much is even being posted.  My disability status is unchanged and I pray each night that things will get better.


March is turning out to be a month full of emotion.  Freddie's birthday is on the 13th.  Sammy's birthday would have been on the 10th, and this rainbow is due to arrive on the 25th.  It's so hard for me to imagine what my life might have looked like if Sammy was here with us - we'd have a one year old running around, getting excited at the prospect of a little brother or sister.  A few days ago, Freddie was chatting with our neighbour, who you might recall had a baby due around the same time as Sammy [and whom I've been avoiding like the plague for over a year now], well, anyway, she mentioned to Freddie that her little boy will be turning one on Sunday, the 11th.  Only one day after Sammy's due date.  I'm happy for them, but I still can't help but question why them and not us?  Why will they get to have a family party to celebrate their son, and we will celebrate in silence as noone in our family remembers the importance of these dates.  As each year passes, I feel sadder and sadder that Sammy isn't growing up with us here.


Friends of ours were kind enough to lend us a crib and others came through with other used items.  I found some  decent bedding on clearance at Winners and bought that for the freshly painted room that Freddie had done.  Now, as I sit in the nursery, I wish that Sammy could have seen it, could have slept in that crib if only for one night.  I plan on creating a few crafts to honour Sammy and have them up in the nursery, and we may find a way to honour Sammy via a middle name for Thumper.  I'm just determined that despite the entire world forgetting about Sammy, that our family won't.  That our future child/ren will remember that they have an older sibling and that Sammy's memory will live on.


Maybe that is why I still have trouble believing that Thumper will really be here.  Most of my friends can't understand why I feel this way, but I'm not naive anymore - I know that things can still go wrong at this point and that there is never a guarantee that we'll get to take Thumper home with us.  People keep saying "Boy, you must be so excited", but the honest truth is that I'm not.  I simply won't believe it until I hold this child in my arms and know that we will take him/her home with us.


So as you can see, I have days when I feel a bit better, then days that are a fair bit worse.  I still feel the weight of the world, but seeing the sunshine outside helps a lot.  Then Sammy's absence casts a dark cloud over my day... but I expect that it will always be this way.  I do ask for your prayers for a safe delivery and a healthy baby - Thank you!