This morning, we were getting ready for the Waldorf Parent & Tot Program. Sophie eats SUPER slow and we were already late. The first meltdown was because I was using the wrong hairbrush to brush her hair - I'm talking instant screaming and tears. I hugged her and explained that the old brush was when she was a baby, but now she has more hair and requires a bigger brush. She calmed down very quickly. I walked her to the door and asked her to put her shoes on, while I ran to grab my cell phone, water, jackets, etc. I came back to the stairs and Sophie was still sitting there, staring at her shoes. By this point, I had asked her about ten times to put those shoes on and I was starting to get frustrated. I asked her again to put on her shoes and I grabbed her jacket. I put her one sleeve on and asked her to put her other sleeve on while I went to grab the car keys. When I returned, her shoes were still NOT on her feet and she had taken off her coat. My blood pressure was rising. I yelled at her, asking why she had taken her coat off and she started screaming that she needed her Kitty and Puppy, two stuffed animals that she takes everywhere. I explained that we were really late and we had to leave, suggesting that she take her Dolly, who was on the coffee table. Unfortunately, this would not do as she started screaming and throwing a tantrum as I tried to put her shoes on and her coat. I felt hot, I felt mad and all I wanted to do was get her in the car and leave. I grabbed her and marched her upstairs to get her Kitty and Puppy, while she screamed and was throwing herself on the floor. We got her 'pets' and finally got her buckled into the car seat. I was mad - mad at her, but more mad at myself for allowing myself to throw my own version of a tantrum by losing my temper and yelling at her. I can only imagine how scary I must have looked to my tiny 3 year old and then of course I couldn't help but think that of course we weren't blessed with another child, when I can't always handle the one I have!
Sophie was quiet in the car for the first time ever! I tried to explain to her why mommy was getting upset. A few days prior we had made a deal that mommy would yell less if Sophie would listen more, but we both failed today. By the time we were half way there, she was her old chatty self, while I was still trying to navigate the morning roads and avoid an accident as I rushed to get us there. Once at Waldorf, I apologized for yelling at her and she gave me a huge hug. I begged her to listen to mommy and the teacher during the class and she readily agreed with a hearty "I promise Mommy!" - sadly, I've heard this before and I believe that she doesn't actually understand what a promise is.
The rest of the morning was peppered with little instances of not listening and doing her own thing. Sophie would decide to open the classroom door and run down the hall on her own, even after I repeatedly told her to never leave the classroom without mommy. On the playground, my pleas that she not throw sand went unheeded again. I explained that not only could she hit someone with the sand, but she will also be dirty from head to toe, especially since last week she was very upset to have sand in her shoes - but that was ignored. I had to ask her many times to follow me to the car and in the end I had to walk her by the hand. Because of my chronic pain issues, I have a small stool in the car that she uses to get herself into the carseat so that I don't have to lift her. I took the stool out and set it up beside the door so she could sit down while I cleaned her shoes. Again, I tried to explain to her in a very calm manner why I had wanted her not to throw sand and she suddenly screamed at me "No Mommy", while trying to purse my lips to quiet me down. I felt my blood pressure boil as I calmly told her that we were no longer going to see daddy or to the store and that instead we were going straight home for lunch and nap.
We went down for a nap after lunch, while I prayed that we both woke up in a better mood. I knew that God didn't want me to behave this way, I knew that it was some other force who thrived on my misery, my self doubt, my anger and frustration and so I prayed for strength...
Sophie woke up all happy and jovial. We went to the bathroom to go potty and I asked her to get dressed, but she wanted to run around and kept ignoring me. I asked her if she had heard me ask her to get dressed and she said "No", even though I knew she had heard me. I told her that we needed to get dressed and she screamed at me "NO MOMMY, WE DON'T" and immediately slapped me in the face. I was stunned - she had never done this before. I reacted without thinking and told her that she is never to yell at mommy and then I slapped her hand because her hand was being bad. Yes, I fully realize that the logic there is faulty, telling a 3 year old not to hit while slapping her hand - but in the moment, all the Attachment Parenting/RIE tools that I had went out the window. Of course the rest of the night was full of more of these type of issues - dumping bird seed all over the garage floor, throwing her pogo dog on the floor at dinner time, etc.
I have to keep telling myself that this IS to be expected. She is a child, she is three. I am an adult, who is going through a heck of a lot right now and who temporarily can't get a hold of her emotions. I know that reasoning or explaining these concepts to her isn't working as she doesn't understand, so I think we will simply need to remove her from situations [like going straight home today] or take away items until she grasps the concept of consequences. As for me, I've talked to Freddie and we both agree that she is exercising her freedom and trying to get things her way and that it will be difficult for the next little while. But I know that it will pass - I remember similar issues after we lost Asia, where my personal reaction was totally inappropriate. Luckily, its the weekend and I'll have Freddie's support for the next two days so perhaps we can tag team her a little bit and I can try to deal with my emotions.
I've felt like a crap parent all day. I know I behaved poorly. Today, I doubted my abilities to parent Sophie properly - and it wasn't the first time. I was worried how I'll be able to handle future tantrums and if I can raise her to be a good person. Today, I felt the stares of other parents as I struggled with a toddler who wouldn't listen, but most of all, I struggled with myself. Clearly, not one of my finer parenting moments :-(
