Still hurting

I'm so worried that I might have had an anovulatory cycle this month.  I guess I have to go back to Dr. F and discuss this new development.


I came across this sad site today - its kind of like the website where you can post anonymous confessions, but this time, they are all related to baby loss. I can relate to SO MANY of these.  Some, though, are just so sad that I feel lucky I don't share those feelings.

This is weird...

So I've been using FertilityFriend for a few months, and this is the first month that I have NO idea what is going on.  Check this out - any thoughts on this?

Now, I KNOW I ovulated this month as the OPK's were positive and the CM was like eggwhite.  I had a positive OPK on day 12, so I think the big O was either day 13 or 14, but there didn't seem to be a thermal shift.  I'm so confused here!!!


I did have a modification in my meds which took effect on day 6.  The narcotic has been decreased (that's why I'm having more pain than usual) and the other drug is pregnancy friendly, so it shouldn't have such a big effect on my BBT.


I'm so desperately hoping that maybe this month was IT!  Maybe that's why the temps are all over the place!  If I'm wrong, I will pick up a BBT thermometer, as I've been using a regular thermometer that goes to one decimal place - and perhaps a BBT thermometer that goes to more detail may help.  I read this last part in a few books I got at the library.  I'm also going to increase my whole milk consumption to increase dairy fat in my diet.  I've also found a box of organic red raspberry leaf tea to try and bump up fertility. Freddie has also decreased his beer consumption, as he used to have 4 beers/week and he's down to 1 or 2.


Do you have any other ideas on what we can try? Thoughts? Suggestions?

10 things you shouldn't say to someone TTC

Oh my gosh....I was reading Katharine's blog today about 10 things you shouldn't say to someone TTC, and I LOVED it!!  I couldn't have said it better myself - so instead of reiterating some great thoughts, just read them here.

No Surgery!!!

So I went to see a new doctor, a neurologist this time, let's call this one Dr. N.  I asked Freddie to go with me as I was worried that I might not have the guts to ask all the questions that needed to be asked - and I did prepare!  I had a whole list of questions that I found online and wanted to make sure that I didn't miss anything.  I was fairly nervous in the morning and although we got there on time, we still had to wait 30 minutes, but when Dr. N. came in, it was clear that he had read my file thoroughly.

The long and short of it is that there are significant problems, but due to the multiple discs involved, Dr. N. didn't feel that this would be an easy surgery.  Dr. N. also indicated that in a recent research study it was noted that 4 years post surgery, there was no difference in satisfaction or pain level between those that had surgery and those that didn't.  Dr. N. felt that in my case, we'd need to repeat the surgery in 4 years if we chose to do it now.

So I'm happy that I don't have to endure the pain of surgery or risk making my problems even worse, but at the same time I'm also sad as I had hoped that perhaps there was a way to end this constant pain.  My emotions are mixed right now and it will take a bit of time for me to totally absorb this news.

It's been a while...

Hello there - yes, I know I've been gone for a little bit, but in my defence I needed a bit of time to breathe, collect my thoughts, talk to Freddie and frankly take a break from reading all the BLM blogs, as they just made me so very sad and hopeless.  Now that I've had a break, I can go back to those blogs and offer some encouragement, and even view my own situation in a different light - I hope!

So when we last left off, I was totally freaking out at the prospect of IUI or even IVF, I wasn't sure what I wanted or how far I wanted to go.  Now, I have a better handle on this.  First of all, Freddie and I watched the infertility video that we were given at the fertility clinic - I must admit it was so booooring and dryyyyyy!  It took all our effort just to stay awake - but we did, as we knew this was important.  We both learned a few things, not only about assisted reproduction, but also about ourselves and how we feel about it.


Freddie suggested that maybe we just take a step back, relax, and just keep trying for the next few months - not a long time, but maybe 2-3 months.  I couldn't help but agree.  We still don't know if we can trust Dr. F's opinion or if he just wants us to start a paid service.  I did contact another private clinic and they indicated that Dr. F needs to refer us there for a second opinion, so Freddie and I decided that we will continue on our own for the next little while, then go back to Dr. F and ask if we can do the injectable drugs while TTC, without IUI.  Should that fail for another 2-3 months, then we'd either go for a second opinion or do IUI at that point.  We both agreed that a second opinion was needed to make sure that Dr. F hadn't missed some basic reason why this is proving to be so difficult.  


In the meantime, I've found some articles about the possibility that the soft cup could aid with fertility issues.  I stress that this is just a POSSIBILITY, as for every positive article, there is also a negative article.  Regardless, the basic logic behind this makes sense to me and I figure that this can't hurt, so why not?  I also found the product at my local pharmacy for $4.99 for a pack of 6.  You can check out more info HERE.  Have any of you tried this?  Has it worked for you?  


So far, we're trying the PreSeed, along with some cough syrup containing Guaifenesin, followed by the soft cup - all while charting my BBT and praying a lot.  In fact, last night, I woke up every 2-3 hours with the thought "God, please bless us with another pregnancy - please let all these measures work for us this month, please, please, please".  Crazy, eh?


On the religious front, I've read a few pages about the Catholic view of assisted reproduction.  I have to admit that there is a lot of info out there and that not all of it makes complete sense to me at all times.  I should also preface this by saying that although I am a practicing Catholic, devout and a believer, I don't always necessarily understand, or even agree with some of the Church rules - now, I also acknowledge that I do not have the theological background to perhaps understand some of these decisions.  I also believe, however, that we do have a loving God, but that the Church is run by people, who can update, change or modify some of these decisions - while I, as an active Catholic, have a responsibility to try and understand these "rules", and at times, if needed, perhaps question them and point out areas where things don't always make sense.


Having said all that, the info that I read regarding TTC was that the most important thing was that conception took place during a loving act, that is to say during lovemaking between spouses.  I totally agree with this.  The Church's view, however, seems to be that the jury is "out" on IUI, but it is permissible as long as some rules are followed, like for example, how the sperm is obtained for the procedure.  IVF, however, is off limits as there is no loving act during conception - although I don't totally buy into this, I do see how the actual moment of conception takes place in a lab with a lab tech, a syringe and a microscope, so yes, this is very impersonal.  I would argue, however, that this impersonal act comes from a place of great love between the spouses - but this view was negated by something else that I read, that we do not have the RIGHT to be parents, but that parenthood is a PRIVILEGE.  This made me agree with the Church that IVF was not suitable for us, that it was too extreme for us to pursue (not to mention the risk factors, etc.) and especially that just because we can do something, doesn't mean that we should!  This last train of thought applies to a lot of things going on in our world today (abortion, nuclear weapons, etc., etc., etc.).  So Freddie and I acknowledge that we do not have the right to be parents, but we will welcome the opportunity should it present itself.



So, in a nutshell, I feel more hopeful today.  I feel that there is light at the end of the tunnel. I feel better that we have a plan.  I feel like we're in control again. I feel like we've made some decision and I'm relieved that we're on the same page.  So please pray for us this month!!

A Ray of Sunshine in the Storm - aka Stylish Blogger Award

I am so humbled and surprised to receive the Stylish Blogger Award from Katharine at Grow Baby Grow!  Thank You Katharine - you've made my day!!   Please stop by Katharine's blog and check it out - Katharine is working on sharing a photo from each day and I love that!!   I mentioned in one of my comments that I'm so thankful for all of you who stop by my little piece of the internet and spend a few minutes reading.  I write this blog for me, for me to feel better, to have an outlet to vent and be completely honest - that's why I'm so humbled and thankful for YOU, for stopping by, for understanding my struggles and that something about my story resonates with you.  

Here are the rules that come with receiving this award....
1. Thank and link back to the person who awarded you this award. DONE!
2. Share 7 things about yourself. BELOW
3. Award 15 recently discovered great bloggers.  I'M NEW TO THIS, SO ALL THE RECIPIENTS ARE NEW TO ME
4. Contact these bloggers and tell them about the award!  DONE!

So here we go...



Seven things about me - wow, this isn't easy, but let me try:


1. I'm an only child. My mom raised me as a single mom [my dad was an alcoholic and they split when I was 1] and struggled every step of the way, so I'm not one of those spoiled only children.  That is also why I want my child(ren) to have siblings, so that they are never alone in the world.  I realize how important family is and I would like my children to have that closeness and familial ties even after Freddie and I are gone.


2.  I'm a "control freak", "Type A" personality, you know, always in charge, always right, always on the ball.  I'm also a Gemini so living with me can be hard at times.  I can be moody and emotional, meanwhile Freddie is fairly even-keeled and happy most of the time.  He definitely looks at the glass as half full, while I usually see it as half empty.  I'm thankful for Freddie and that he can balance out my neuroses on a daily basis!


3.  I, like Katharine, also hate talking on the phone.  I mean I'm not one of those women who spends hours on the phone with her girlfriends. I'd much rather meet a friend or email, but the phone, I'll pass.  I do own a cell phone, but only my immediate family has the number and I treat it as an emergency phone. One of my pet-peeves is seeing people walk down the street talking on the phone - look up, see what is around you and enjoy the moment!!


4.  I'm a homebody.  Maybe its because I'm an only child, but I don't mind spending time alone.  Now that I'm sick, most of my days are spent alone, except for the odd medical appointment or physio.  I like to read books, be creative in some ways - I don't need to have a large group of friends around me at all times.  Don't get me wrong, I do like socializing, but I don't itch to get out of the house every night.  


5.  I'd love to live somewhere warm with a palm tree in the front yard.  I'd love to see the water and hear the waves crash from my kitchen window. I'd love to be within walking distance of a beach. I'd love to enjoy sunshine for most of the year - but Freddie and I both have families here in town and we couldn't leave them behind. Who knows, maybe someday we'll move to a nice warm place... 


6.  I'm scared of being "ordinary".  I've always felt that I had a purpose in life, that I was going to make a difference, to improve the world somehow. Lately, I don't feel that drive anymore, but I'm more worried that my existence has no meaning.  I'm no longer at work on a daily basis, my contribution to society is minimal at best and my contribution at home is not much.  I fear that Freddie will view me as lazy and useless...and possibly move on, then I'll be ordinary and alone.  Yes, this is the irrational Gemini rearing its ugly head...


7.  Freddie and I met online.  It wasn't love at first sight. Our first date went OK.  The reason I agreed to a second date was that Freddie offered to pay for my coffee, which is more than any of my other 'blind dates' did.  I also remember assigning Freddie homework, as I did most of the talking, so his homework was to prepare some questions.  On our first dinner date, he took me to a family restaurant that was full of elderly couples, again not a great impression, but he did his homework, and when we left, he waited until I got into my car before he drove off - I knew there was something special about him!!


And now, for the fun part, passing on this award to other bloggers, not quite 15, but close...so here they are, in no particular order.  Please stop by and check out these stories.  Each and every one of these blogs inspires me to keep going, to do better and to keep trying:


1.  Anonymity at 

All You Knew Was Love... has a story similar to mine in so many areas.  We were both following our BBT online, both trying again and both unsuccessful, so far.

2.  Melissa at 

Amazing Mikayla Grace is an inspiration to me.  Melissa's journey with Mikayla is a great example of a mother's love and how to keep going through tough times.

3. Melissa at 

Amelia Grace Lorang is another inspiring baby loss mama with a tough journey.  Another inspiration to me - I admit I tear up each time I look at her slideshow and pics of Amelia.

4. Baby On Mind - I'm still reading some of the old posts here and sadly I have more in common with this blogger than most.  We're both the same age and it seems that I may need to also pursue some of the reproductive technologies... maybe reviewing these posts will help me figure out what is appropriate for us.

5.  Debby at 

FOR YOUR TEARS was the first site I found which sent me a tangible gift for our Angel.  I received a lovely handkerchief in the mail from Debby - it was something special for me to put into our Angel's memory box.  Thank you for all the hard work that you do Debby, I know that Freddie and I really appreciated it!!

6. Jamie at 

Forget-me-not, Oh Lord! has become a 'blogging-buddy'.  She's offered kind words and advice and lots of hugs. Thank you!!

7. Deni at Foxy Troxies gives me hope for the future.  Deni has an extensive furry-family and is now embarking on a new addition. 

8. Katharine at G

row Baby Grow, who gave me this award, also deserves it back!  Katharine has also had a really tough journey, so stop by and send her some hugs!!

9. Brittany at 

Lessons in Life and Light is also another 'blogging-buddy' from Facebook and the blog world. Brittany and I 'met' because of our shared loss of a baby - I hate having to meet her under these circumstances, but I'm glad that we met.  Brittany has offered lots of help, advice and laughs over the last few months.  Check out her blog for a lighthearted and happy view of life - I enjoy reading it!!  

10. Michele at My Life After Loss is yet another 

'blogging-buddy'.  Michele is brave enough to share her very difficult story online with all of us.  Michele's perseverance and courage to continue fighting for her family, while keeping to Catholic values, which I know is hard at times, is an inspiration to me.  If Michele can do it, I can too!  

11.  Katy at 

Pray Date: Where Angels' Mommies Meet posts a new verse from the Bible daily and allows all of us to share how those words touch us that day.  It's a great way for me to keep in touch with my prayers and its uncanny how some of the verses she chooses apply to my daily situation.  Thanks for doing this Katy!  

12.  Mama Fierce at 

My Yellow Brick Road Has Potholes also shares her story of multiple miscarriages.  Thank you for being brave enough to share your pain with us.  

13.  Jessica at Too Beautiful For Earth was kind enough to send me a lovely photo of a dove for our sweet baby.  The more items I can collect for our memory box, the more tangible our child seems. Thank you Jessica for the hard work that you do on our behalf - we appreciate it!!!

Congratulations everyone - you definitely help me get through the day!!!

When it rains, it pours, it thunders, its windy and lightning is all around

Sorry folks, I was so desperately hoping that my posts would start getting cheerier, but I just can't seem to catch a break this year.  The more info I learn, the more it seems that the odds are stacked against me.  


I've been so totally upset since the weekend.  I've noticed that lately when I get upset, its just not just anger, but my stomach goes into knots for days, my body shakes and I'm almost scared of opening up email or answering the phone, for fear of getting upset even more.


First off, the weekend started with getting invited to a family dinner for my aunt's birthday, who is celebrating a milestone today.  Honestly, I didn't want to go as I'm still upset that she hasn't acknowledged our little angel. Now, I have forgiven her for it in my heart, as I can't change what she did or didn't do, but forgetting, that's the harder part.   But I agreed that I'd go, put on a good face and do the "right" thing.  This was going to be even more complicated by the fact that Freddie wouldn't be coming as he would still be at work, so I'd be facing this situation on my own.


The next day, I was faced with a really difficult situation, where someone in my family, who I thought I could trust, posted some very personal information regarding my family, including speculation on my mom's paternity.  Both my mom and I were so upset to have this nim-wit post our personal info on a public site. I can't tell you how livid I was!  I decided that there was no way that I could now attend a family dinner, as I could not be in the same room with this person.  The course of emotions that ran through me and continues is indescribable.  To feel so completely violated and lose trust feels so lonely.  I feel like my entire body is vibrating.


On Monday, I told you I was going to see Dr. P.  I had honestly believed that Dr. P would say we're doing the right things, maybe give me a new script and that's it. Instead, I received a new label to add to my repertoire - apparently, I've been suffering for a while from this:


I couldn't believe that Fibromyalgia was now a part of my life.  What is it you ask?  It seems to be a relatively new chronic pain illness which includes stiffness and widespread pain which may "move" from one area to another and can affect various body parts.  Fibro is also associated with IBS, GERD, chronic headaches, extreme fatigue and sleep disturbances.  The condition can be aggravated by stress...but I can't seem to get away from it!  A clearer definition is found here:  http://www.pdhealth.mil/deployments/downloads/fibromyalgia.pdf

This definitely fits how I've been feeling lately, but its still so scary to me.  Although you know I've been petrified of surgery, at least there was hope that with back/neck problems, surgery could possibly alleviate them, but now I have a disease which has no cure, only medication to control the symptoms.  I cried in Dr. P's office - I was not expecting THIS!  I called Freddie on the phone and cried again.  


The image on the right shows the "catch 22" that is now my life.  If I overdo any of these items, it throws the cycle out of balance - and only when it's in balance can I manage my day.  This balance is so tricky and so hard to maintain!  


By the time I got home, I was trying to calm down.  I have not changed, my condition has not changed, I just have a new "label", a new name to describe my condition.  Regardless of how many time I tell myself this, I still can't get used to the idea that is not curable, that I'll always feel like this.  Dr. P also felt that there was no use for back surgery as it would not affect the constant pain I feel as a result of the fibro.  I just need some time to get used to this - when I was diagnosed with my back problems, I went through all the stages of grief and I suspect I'll have to do this again.  


On Tuesday, I went to see Dr. F to figure out next steps.  Freddie didn't come with me, as I figured that Dr. F would give me a drug of some kind to help me ovulate and we'd be trying again this month.  Within minutes, Dr. F was saying that drugs wouldn't work as he felt I was in fact ovulating (by looking at various pieces of info, including my BBT charts), and that we should be looking at injectable meds and IUI.  WHAT???   I had no idea we'd even have this discussion.


Freddie and I had never really talked about assisted reproductive technologies.  We never thought we'd be talking about IUI or IVF.  We never thought we'd be one of "those" couples!  I mean this is something that every living creature can do, so why can't we??  My head is still swimming just thinking about it.  I wonder if we really need to think about IUI or if Dr. F just wants us to do a treatment for which we have to pay.  How many IUI's would we do?  I don't know.  Would we go to IVF if IUI doesn't work? I don't know.  At the start of this blog I said that I didn't agree with IVF and that based on my Christian values, I'd never do IVF as I could never flush embryos down the drain, but now, I don't know.  Would we actually consider IVF?  I think that if we did, I'd end up as the next Kate Gosselin with 6 or 8 kids.  There is so much I just don't know!!!  Freddie and I need to sit down one of these days, watch the Fertility video that I was given, and then have a conversation about how far we're willing to go.


My head hurts, my stomach is in knots and I feel like I'm drowning in info.  The bad news just keeps coming, and coming, and coming.

Not a good start to the New Year...

What can I say today...I've been crying at the drop of a hat lately.  I'm just so emotional!!  I had a zit just pop up on my face, I've had abdominal cramps, no PMS or cravings and some light spotting (implantation bleeding???)  I didn't dare raise my hopes, but I'm human and hope lives eternal... then this morning, this:

or should I say that AF arrived (I figured you wouldn't want to see a photo of THAT!) with a vengeance on Friday, 4-5 days early!  This threw me for a loop!  So I'm clearly upset and I still cry. I'm thinking that I must be really stressed over this entire medical and fertility situation.  I guess its a good think I'm seeing Dr. Fertility (from now on Dr. F) on Tuesday, so perhaps we'll have some answers then.  I'm also seeing Dr. Pain   Management (Dr. P from now on) this week, so perhaps they will offer some advice on stress relief which would certainly aid with the pain as well.


On another note, Freddie went snowboarding with a buddy today and although I'm thrilled that he gets to feel the wind in his hair as he boards down the mountain, I wish that I could go too.  It's gorgeous out there, sunny and cool.  It sucks that I bought brand new ski equipment last year and then now I won't be able to use it!  My entire life, we skied religiously each winter, but we weren't loaded so I had used equipment.  I didn't mind, but when I finished highschool and was entering university, I saved and scrimped and bought brand new skis, bindings and poles (the boots were still used), then I got busy with work, working 3 jobs to pay for school and the skiing went out the window.  After we got married, we went a few times and Freddie discovered boarding and LOVED it!  He bought a board and boots and we decided that this was going to be a family activity again, so after more than 10 years, he talked me into splurging a bit and buying new equipment - or rather let's be honest, the weekend we got engaged I found pieces of plastic in our ski chalet, only to realize (on the hill) that the plastic was coming from my old boots which were literally falling apart and disintegrating and dropping plastic down the ski hill!!!  Its kind of funny now, but freaky at the time when I realized what was happening.  So I indulged and bought a new package of boots, bindings and skis - and now they sit in the garage.  Oh how I wish I could take them out for a spin!!!  Freddie is optimist that I'll be out there again, at least for a little bit - I hope he's right!

Fantastic Give away!

I wasn't planning on posting again today, but I came across a really nice gesture from a fellow blogger and I thought I'd share it with you. Melissa is offering a lovely calendar for 2011...please visit her blog and check it out.  

Welcome 2011!!

I don't make New Year's resolutions anymore, as there were always to lose a few pounds and only lasted a few weeks anyway. Instead, I have hopes and dreams for this New Year and this year, I only have 1 wish for 2011... To be blessed with a baby of my own.. One that I can hear cry, one that I can rock to sleep, one that I can hug and kiss... one that I can raise... A baby brother or sister for my sleeping angel...


You know my journey TTC and here we are on another month.  I'm emotional, my lower abdomen has been cramping, my back pain is worse - but I'm trying not to get my hopes up. Last month, I also had abdominal cramping and it turned out to be PMS. I'm so scared to even get my hopes up as I don't want them to be dashed.  Freddie, bless him, is so upbeat and positive - I wish I could be more like him. He truly keeps my spirits up and is a rock.


On New Year's Eve, we stayed home - by choice. I went to church that night to Thank God for all the blessings in 2010 and it got me thinking about how much I should be thankful for.  On New Year's Day I went to church to ask God for more blessings in 2011...so I decided to share my list with you, as sometimes I need to put it on paper to see how many blessings I really do have.  It helps when I'm in the dumps, to see how lucky I actually am, so here goes:

- Freddie, who always loves and supports me, no matter what
- the gift of our baby, those lovely 12 weeks that we got to spend together and the lifetime of love and joy that we feel and will continue to feel for our angel
- my mom, who always sees my point of view and loves me unconditionally
- my in-laws, who I know worry and feel my pain
- my disability benefit, that I received it without a legal fight.  That I have a paycheque [albeit smaller] and benefits
- the few friends who have still stuck with me throughout all this
- my strong faith and relationship with God
- my health. You may wonder why I'm thankful for this when its so bad, but it could be worse, so I'm thankful that my health isn't worse and for the things that I am capable of
- my new blog and Facebook friends, who have helped me cope with our great loss this year
- my email support parent from PBSO, who has shared her loss with me and helped me work my way  through my own loss
- my kitty cats, who seem to sense when I'm down and are always there to sit on my lap
- that I have a roof over my head and food on my table
- a great family physician and a great pain specialist who understand my needs
- a sympathetic insurance disability claim specialist, at least so far :-)
- for my tears and sadness, as they help me remember why I feel so sad and how much I love!


Now, I certainly have hopes and dreams for 2011 as well, so here goes:


- a happy, healthy and successful pregnancy that leads to a baby!
- improved health and pain free days
- a non-surgical option for me (as you know how terrified I am)
- the ability to travel and have fun
- more fun and enjoyment in the New Year
- a continued disability benefit
- to continue working with good medical professionals
- good health for our family, especially my mom and my in-laws
- to find a nice new home for my mom closer to us 
- to reconnect with old friends


Now, I know that God doesn't want me to wallow in sadness, so I'm going to try and be happy with what I do have, even if it's not what I want. I know that it will be hard, but I will try!  What do you hope and wish for in the coming year?