When it rains, it pours, it thunders, its windy and lightning is all around

Sorry folks, I was so desperately hoping that my posts would start getting cheerier, but I just can't seem to catch a break this year.  The more info I learn, the more it seems that the odds are stacked against me.  


I've been so totally upset since the weekend.  I've noticed that lately when I get upset, its just not just anger, but my stomach goes into knots for days, my body shakes and I'm almost scared of opening up email or answering the phone, for fear of getting upset even more.


First off, the weekend started with getting invited to a family dinner for my aunt's birthday, who is celebrating a milestone today.  Honestly, I didn't want to go as I'm still upset that she hasn't acknowledged our little angel. Now, I have forgiven her for it in my heart, as I can't change what she did or didn't do, but forgetting, that's the harder part.   But I agreed that I'd go, put on a good face and do the "right" thing.  This was going to be even more complicated by the fact that Freddie wouldn't be coming as he would still be at work, so I'd be facing this situation on my own.


The next day, I was faced with a really difficult situation, where someone in my family, who I thought I could trust, posted some very personal information regarding my family, including speculation on my mom's paternity.  Both my mom and I were so upset to have this nim-wit post our personal info on a public site. I can't tell you how livid I was!  I decided that there was no way that I could now attend a family dinner, as I could not be in the same room with this person.  The course of emotions that ran through me and continues is indescribable.  To feel so completely violated and lose trust feels so lonely.  I feel like my entire body is vibrating.


On Monday, I told you I was going to see Dr. P.  I had honestly believed that Dr. P would say we're doing the right things, maybe give me a new script and that's it. Instead, I received a new label to add to my repertoire - apparently, I've been suffering for a while from this:


I couldn't believe that Fibromyalgia was now a part of my life.  What is it you ask?  It seems to be a relatively new chronic pain illness which includes stiffness and widespread pain which may "move" from one area to another and can affect various body parts.  Fibro is also associated with IBS, GERD, chronic headaches, extreme fatigue and sleep disturbances.  The condition can be aggravated by stress...but I can't seem to get away from it!  A clearer definition is found here:  http://www.pdhealth.mil/deployments/downloads/fibromyalgia.pdf

This definitely fits how I've been feeling lately, but its still so scary to me.  Although you know I've been petrified of surgery, at least there was hope that with back/neck problems, surgery could possibly alleviate them, but now I have a disease which has no cure, only medication to control the symptoms.  I cried in Dr. P's office - I was not expecting THIS!  I called Freddie on the phone and cried again.  


The image on the right shows the "catch 22" that is now my life.  If I overdo any of these items, it throws the cycle out of balance - and only when it's in balance can I manage my day.  This balance is so tricky and so hard to maintain!  


By the time I got home, I was trying to calm down.  I have not changed, my condition has not changed, I just have a new "label", a new name to describe my condition.  Regardless of how many time I tell myself this, I still can't get used to the idea that is not curable, that I'll always feel like this.  Dr. P also felt that there was no use for back surgery as it would not affect the constant pain I feel as a result of the fibro.  I just need some time to get used to this - when I was diagnosed with my back problems, I went through all the stages of grief and I suspect I'll have to do this again.  


On Tuesday, I went to see Dr. F to figure out next steps.  Freddie didn't come with me, as I figured that Dr. F would give me a drug of some kind to help me ovulate and we'd be trying again this month.  Within minutes, Dr. F was saying that drugs wouldn't work as he felt I was in fact ovulating (by looking at various pieces of info, including my BBT charts), and that we should be looking at injectable meds and IUI.  WHAT???   I had no idea we'd even have this discussion.


Freddie and I had never really talked about assisted reproductive technologies.  We never thought we'd be talking about IUI or IVF.  We never thought we'd be one of "those" couples!  I mean this is something that every living creature can do, so why can't we??  My head is still swimming just thinking about it.  I wonder if we really need to think about IUI or if Dr. F just wants us to do a treatment for which we have to pay.  How many IUI's would we do?  I don't know.  Would we go to IVF if IUI doesn't work? I don't know.  At the start of this blog I said that I didn't agree with IVF and that based on my Christian values, I'd never do IVF as I could never flush embryos down the drain, but now, I don't know.  Would we actually consider IVF?  I think that if we did, I'd end up as the next Kate Gosselin with 6 or 8 kids.  There is so much I just don't know!!!  Freddie and I need to sit down one of these days, watch the Fertility video that I was given, and then have a conversation about how far we're willing to go.


My head hurts, my stomach is in knots and I feel like I'm drowning in info.  The bad news just keeps coming, and coming, and coming.