Do not be afraid of their tears

Melissa, a fellow BLM posted this entry and it really resonated with me, especially the part where we, bereaved parents, want YOU to say anything about our child, but by not speaking about him/her, the silence is even more unbearable.  You can read the entire post here.

I wasn't mad AT God.  I wasn't betrayed by God -but I felt betrayed by my own body.

I'm full of hope.  I used to hate to think that the life of a woman ended when she became a mother, as she lived for her kids.  My life will have purpose if I'm a mom.

scared of what our future might look like if we don;t have kids.

I asked for these...

I rarely ask for anything for my birthday.  I'm frugal that way.  Thank God that I have simple wants and am finally at a point where I can satisfy them, but I usually make sure that it's something that I REALLY want.  So it's rare that I ask, but today I did, for these:

From: Amazon.com

From: Amazon.com

Let me backtrack to Sunday night.  It was a rough day all around as it was the one year anniversary of my sweet kitty's death.  If you are a pet owner, you know how much we love our friends and how much we miss them.  Our girl died essentially of breast cancer - who knew cats could get it too?  She lived with diabetes for years and we diligently gave her the required insulin injections and during a checkup, the vet noticed several tumors on her mammary chain...sadly, there wasn't much we could do but love her for the next 5 months.  We could have tried surgery or radiation, but beyond the expense, we were more concerned with how much pain and suffering our kitty would endure, when sadly, the cancer would likely return.  So her poor little lungs were filling up with fluid and she had trouble breathing and we had to put her to sleep.  We stayed with her the entire time to make sure she wan't alone.  It was such a horribly sad day.  We took her home and buried our girl at my house under a Japanese Maple.  I love the shot of her above, she looks so relaxed - and our old couches, who didn't have a set of those?


So, returning to Sunday, I was dealing with the anniversary of our kitty, which was only 10 days after our Angel's EDD.  I participated in my online Bible Study, which makes me very emotional.  It seems that during the week I seem fine, but when it comes to these meetings I tend to listen more because when I start to speak, the tears come and voice quivers.  So while crying, I checked out Mary's blog and started reading about Angie and Todd Smith.  It was such a moving story of baby loss that I went to YouTube and watched 5 more videos about them.  I was in hysterical tears all night - it's been a while since I'd cried that much!  So I decided that I did want to get the book that Angie wrote.  If you hadn't heard this story, here is one link, but you can follow more on:

Over the last few weeks, I've also soon a lot of people talking about another book, and I asked for it as well.  I'm hoping that these two books will bring me some comfort.

Happy List Saturdays

Please Visit: http://aidensmom112.blogspot.com/

This is the very first time that I've joined a blog hop, but I've been meaning to write for a little while and I thought that since this week I have been very appreciative for all the blessings I've received, I thought this was a perfect way to summarize my week.  For those of you who have followed for a while, you know that my posts are usually painful and grey, so today I'm trying to be a little more upbeat!


~ I'm really happy and thankful that the surprise dinner that I threw for Freddie last weekend went off without a hitch! I surprised him, totally and completely.  As you know, I'm not feeling well enough to host a dinner or a party at our place, as they usually get pretty rowdy and I find myself heating, plating and hosting all night which is a lot of work, a lot of moving around and a LOT of cleaning up. Instead, I invited our friends to dinner and then to our place for cake and drinks.  We had a great time and it was nice to chat with our friends.  Although I only sat/stood for about 3-4 hours, I was in so much pain that I ended up in a hot bath trying to make it bearable at 2am...but I was so happy to do something for Freddie who has been so good throughout our crazy year full of sadness and pain.  Our home had some laughter in it for once!


~ I'm happy and thankful that my first attempt at baking a birthday cake from scratch went incredibly well!  I admit it took me 2 days to make the cake:  bake it on one day and decorate it on day 2, but it was delicious and looked great!


~ I'm happy and thankful for the good weather we've been having lately.  Some nice sunshine and the snow has melted.


~ I'm thankful and happy that Freddie got to his meetings OK.  His international flight was an early morning one and I'm happy that he's doing well.


~ I'm thankful and looking forward to Freddie's flight home on Monday night - can't wait!!  Skype is not enough "contact" :-)


~ I'm thankful and thrilled that Freddie got a job offer closer to home, so we'll be able to have dinner at a decent hour.


~ I'm thankful that I have a pain specialist who understands my desire to be a mom and who prescribes me meds that can be continued during pregnancy.  I have some new stuff to try and hopefully it will work better for me.


~ I'm thankful and happy that my 30 strips of pregnancy tests arrived this week.


~ I'm thankful and happy for the tender breasts I have had for the last 3 days.  Although my two pregnancy tests have been negative, this gives me hope that it can happen for us.


~ I'm thankful and happy that I had the chance to visit a naturopath this week.  I'll be starting the herbal drops along with Chasteberry and a regular taking of my Omega 3's, and perhaps this will help regulate my hormones.


~ I'm thankful and happy that we are going for a second opinion to another fertility clinic, perhaps they will have better news for us.


~ I'm thankful and happy that I have a new TENS unit to try out at home.  I will start using it next week, once Aunt Flo is here as you can't use it while pregnant.


~ I'm thankful that we had time with our angel, regardless of how short, we've both been changed by it.


~ I'm thankful for a wonderful husband who completely and totally backs me up and supports me.  I'm extremely lucky!!


~ I'm thankful for a great mom who occasionally makes me dinner, it's a huge help.


~ I'm thankful for my faith and my almost daily prayer.  I hope that I can make it daily.


~ I'm thankful for a nice week, as things could always be much, much worse...

Good Friends are Hard to Find!

As you know, yesterday was a really rough day for me, much harder than I had anticipated.  I seemed to be doing OK during the morning when I had things to do, but when I finally sat down to my prayer and reflection time, my thoughts drifted to our angel and where we should be today.  An unending flow of tears began and at times I sobbed so much that my entire body shook.

Finally, around 5pm I got up to make meatloaf for dinner, and just as I was frying onions and peppers, the doorbell rang.  I must admit that I almost didn't answer it as I'm tired of door to door salespeople, but I did go.  There, standing in front of me was a delivery woman with a huge smile, holding a gorgeous bouquet of flowers for me.  The note had the preprinted tag "I'm thinking of you" and my friend just signed her name.  I was so incredibly touched and of course the tears started to roll and I ended up sobbing hysterically (again) while trying to put the flowers in a vase.


I was so incredibly touched that she had remembered.  This day was only significant to Freddie and I - our parents seemed to forget that yesterday was our due date.  So in a world that seemed to overlook our angel, my good friend took the time to send us these gorgeous birds of paradise, which are also my favourite flowers!


So THANK YOU dear friend - your kindness and compassion are so greatly appreciated!!!

Letter to My Child

From: http://karenswhimsy.com/public-domain-images/tiny-angels/tiny-angels-3.shtm

My dearest child, how I've missed you these last 6 months.  We would have been excited to see you enter the world and take you place as our firstborn.  I had prayed and waited for you, for a long time.  I was looking forward to hearing your gurgling and laughter in the house, to proudly showing you off to our friends and family, to cuddling with you and daddy, and knowing that we all shared such a special bond.  Instead, it's a gloomy and rainy March day and the house is quiet and so very sad without you.  We have no grave to visit, no marker to show the world that you were here - only the huge imprint on our hearts of the few who loved and love you so dearly.


I think of you daily.  I miss you so much - I wish that you were still here with us *****!  We love you so very much.  Even though I know that you are taken care of and loved by the angels, I can't help but wish that we had more time with you.  That we could take care of you and tell you how much we love you.


I had planned to visit the cemetery today, to somehow visit you, but its raining out there - so maybe tomorrow.  I baked a little cake for you, so that daddy and I can celebrate your birthday after dinner.  You'll never be forgotten *****, you will always be a large part of us, especially since you may be our only child, the only proof of how much we love each other and how much we wanted you as part of our family.  We light a candle for you most nights my sweet baby and we lit a candle at yesterday, Ash Wednesday.


I'd do anything to have you back with us.  The last months since your death have been so hard and lonely without you.  Now, as we begin Lent, the sadness is back - I just have to remember that there is light at the end of this journey - there will be a time when we meet, when we'll get to hold and cuddle you, make you smile and laugh, and show you ho much you are loved.

From:  http://wordexpertise.com/tag/private-life/

I don't dream of you, but I wish I did.  I picture you as a large baby, with 'peach fuzz" hair, who is always content and laughing.  I can see daddy nuzzling with you, as if the two of you shared a secret.  Today, I should have heard your first cry, but please know that we've loved you since the moment we knew.


Loving you always ~
    Mommy

This should have been my due date

From: http://lightworkers.org/blog/126446/two-new-babies-born-heaven

Today, I wrote a letter to my child, on the day of his/her birth.  Somehow, I thought that **** would have been a boy, not sure why, but just a feeling.  A baby that had been prayed for, for a long time, a baby that was so desperately wanted.  I told * how much he was loved and missed each day and I pray that my words reach him via angels' wings - but for me, I just have another letter to put in *'s memory box.


Today should have been a day of happiness and laughter.  We should have been anxiously awaiting *'s birth.  I should have been able to hear * cry for the very first time, get to see his scrunched up little face and feel him in our arms, between our embrace.  Instead, it's three o'clock and I'm still in my PJ's, resting on the couch on this rainy and miserable March day, wiping away my tears.  Our home should have been bustling with activity and the cooing sounds of a baby, but the silence is deafening and it seems lonelier than most days.

From: www.beautyofthelord.com/a_letter_from_heaven.htm

I had hoped to make it out to the cemetery to lay some flowers at Our Mother's feet, but I'm achy today and the rain is making me stay home - Perhaps I'll make it out there tomorrow.  After all, it's not like * is actually there - he's at God's feet, surrounded by angels, his tiny little earthly body probably making it out to the lake or ocean, being one with God's nature.  I hope to drop a flower wreath into our river on his angelversary, but for today, we'll just remember our child, we'll have the small cake that I made for his Birthday, and we'll send our love and our hearts to him in heaven.


Last night, while we were at Ash Wednesday Mass, we sang the hymn Ashes, which I had never heard before.  Some of the lyrics were so profound that I had tears in my eyes, as I thought about the symbolism of the ashes and my own grief for *, I've highlighted the poignant parts:



We rise again from ashes,
from the good we've failed to do.
We rise again from ashes,
to create ourselves anew.
If all our world is ashes,
then must our lives be true,
An offering of ashes,
An offering to You.
          We offer You our failures,
          we offer You attempts;
          The gifts not fully given,
          the dreams not fully dreamt.
          Give our stumblings direction,
          give our visions wider view,
          An offering of ashes,
          An offering to You.
Then rise again from ashes,
let healing come to pain;
Though spring has turned to winter,
and sunshine turned to rain.
The rain we'll use for growing,
and create the world anew,
From an offering of ashes,
An offering to You.
          ... Thanks be to the Father,
          who made us like Himself.
          ... Thanks be to His Son,
          who saved us by His death.
          ... Thanks be to the Spirit,
          who creates the world anew,
          From an offering of ashes,
          An offering to You.

From: http://www.1freechurch.org/Forms/child-dedication.htm

I visited the page for I Spoke With My Child - it's been a while since I'd been there.  I imagined that this was a conversation I could have with *.  I broke down again.  All the pain of the last months, all that missing, all that loneliness and all the love flooded over me and I cried again with unending tears.  You will always be loved and missed...never forgotten.

Today, Lent begins

From: http://between2cities.wordpress.com/2010/02/17/ash-wednesday/

Today is Ash Wednesday, which for a Catholic like me, is the beginning of the Lenten season, the approximately 40 days prior to Easter when we reflect on the last days of our Lord, Jesus Christ.  Traditionally, this is a very sad time, with no loud parties, no dancing, no drinking. Although we don't have to attend mass service tonight, I'm looking forward to going, listening to the priest give a homily which is meant to introduce us to the Lenten Season, and receive ashes, which traditionally used to be from burned palms from Palm Sunday.  The priest uses the phrase from Ecclesiastes "You are from dust and to dust you shall return".  It's just a reminder of how fleeting life really is and tonight will serve as the mass for my unborn child, whose due date would have been tomorrow.


Ash Wednesday, in our family, was the start of many days of fasting.  Our parish bulletin included the following explanation "Fasting means eating only one full meal with our other two meals not equal to that one meal. While making us more aware of those in need, fasting also makes us more alert in our prayer. A generous heart allows us to think less of our needs and more of the needs of others, resulting in practical action and giving".  As a child, I remember fasting and what a challenge it was - these days, it's no big deal for me to skip lunch and just have a normal dinner.  Growing up, I remember that meatless Fridays extended year round, as we always tried to skip the meat at the end of the week, which was not only religious, but also pretty healthy and our hearts thank us!

From:  http://www.dpcdsb.org/BSCAL

This Lent, I plan to not only fast, give and pray, but also to make it a spiritual journey for exploring my relationship with God.  I hope that I can remain steadfast in my attempt to be kind to others, do my best to see their point of view, read the scripture daily (you might recall I had tried that at the start of the New Year, and when troubles came at the end of January, this habit dropped by the wayside), abstain from swearing at home (as I never do in public) and limit my sweet intake.  I say 'limit', as I won't be able to give up sweets completely as I made a little cake for our angel's birthday tomorrow, and there will be sweets at Freddie's birthday on Sunday, then my mom's birthday in April, so I won't be antisocial.  But I give up sweets each year and am able to do it.  This year, being kind to others and reading the Bible are the most important things for me.  To delve further into my own faith, attend Lamentations or Stations of the Cross and perhaps even try to do this weekly.  I know that that will be a struggle, but Christ suffered and struggled so much for us, that I'd like to do a little in return.


Tonight, as I attend mass at the Cathedral, I will think about the journey ahead of Christ, which will end in His crucifixion and death - I will think about what Christ must have felt at the impending path ahead - I will think of what God felt to know that His child would die, and I feel that I understand those feelings much more than before.  I have a much better appreciation of God's love for us now, knowing how much pain it cost Him to lose His only son.  I know that pain too.  As the priest puts ashes on my forehead tonight, I'll feel closer to those who have gone before me and allowed me to be a Christian openly - those early Christians who often paid with their lives for our religious freedom, for those family members who are now dust, and of course of our child.  The shining light at the end of this journey is Easter and the celebration of Christ's resurrection - a constant reminder that death is not permanent, that there is life beyond death and that we will all be with God someday.  This has brought me a lot of peace lately and decreased my fear and anxiety about death.  Death was something to be feared and avoided, but now I see it as an opportunity to be with my child once again, to see this child and get to know him/her - to finally be together, to finally be complete.


So as we embark on this approximately 40 day journey - what are your plans?

Letter to Sammy
Why I'm NOT angry at God
Letter to Freddie

They're Here!

I wish that there was a way that I could sing "Theyyyyy're Heeerrrrreeeeee!"  I really do have a nice voice, so you'll just have to trust me :-)


It's been a little while since I last posted and in case you are wondering how I'm feeling, I must confess that the pain was so bad for the last 6 days, that on day 7 I returned to my previous dose of a particular med that I was supposed to decrease.  I just couldn't take it anymore.  I go back to Dr. P next week and will ask for her advice on how to proceed - I just couldn't function with so little pain relief.  So now I feel much more in a "manageable" place. That doesn't mean that the pain is gone, but it's no longer at the point that I want to crawl out of my own skin.  Now it "just" hurts, if that makes sense.


I also called Dr. F this week and requested a second opinion at another fertility clinic.  I just felt really pressured by Dr. F to go to IVF via IUI.  The other thing is that I started talking with a few close friends who are also struggling with infertility and are at the same clinic, it became apparent that out of the three couples (ourselves included), all three were recommended for IUI then IVF within a month's time.  This is a little odd as the other two couples are younger, and one couple is in their late 20's; we all have different diagnoses, yet it seems a little "odd" that we were all pressured to go down this road.  I would hate to say that this was a money grab, but it just makes me wonder a little bit and so I'd like to get another opinion on this.


If you recall, in one of my previous posts I mentioned that we had decided to just do our thing and hope that we can get pregnant on our own.  Freddie is convinced that since we ordered pregnancy strips, the saliva microscope and the ClearBlue Fertility monitor, that since we shelled out all this cash, we're bound to get pregnant and not use it!  I hate to agree with him, but I'm also thinking that this month might be our lucky month :-)  See, I do have a happy post once in a while!  We're hoping that by the time we go to the new fertility clinic, we'll have an announcement of our own, like last time with our angel.


I finally got word from my boss that it's likely that my job has to be kept for me for 2 years.  It's a little unclear as to whether it's 2 years from when I got sick or from when I went on leave, but either way, I feel a little bit better about this.


My pregnant friend hasn't replied to my email, so I'm hoping that it's simply because she hasn't had time - I hope she's not avoiding me.

from:  www.fertile-focus.com/saliva-ovulation-predictor.html

Now, the "they're here" part:  my saliva microscope arrived a few days ago.  I've been using it for 3 days, and so far I have no trouble reading it.  I read that some people just saw a bright light, but I think they weren't focussing the ocular lens.  I saw the "not fertile" field view and now I'm starting to see some transitional views, as of this morning.  That seems to be on track as today is day 12, and I hope to ovulate between day 13-17, which would make this a "normal" cycle, unlike last month!


Yesterday, I was bummed out to see no mail in the mailbox.  I had been hoping that the fertility monitor would arrive, but nothing.  When I got to the front door, guess what I saw?  There was a brown box that a courier had dropped off, the postmark read "UK" and I knew that IT was here!!  I was very excited to get the monitor and test strips. I ripped the box open,

from: www.clearblueeasy.com/clearblue-easy-fertility-monitor.php

found batteries and put them in, and started reading.  I was so excited to start using it this month, as I've mentioned that I think this month just feels lucky!  Maybe the luck comes from our angel's due date next week, but I guess I also feel like our angel is looking out for us.  Anyway, my excitement waned when I read that you have to use it within the first 5 days of your cycle. Bummers!  I'm too far along to use it this cycle.  I guess the programmable part of it has to start on the right day, as the monitor prompts you to test on specific days.  Oh well, what can I do?  At least I still have the microscope option and I think 2 or possibly 3 OPK's.  We'll make do this month. Wouldn't it be great if I didn't have to use this product at all?  

Oh it's a really bad pain day today!

I fully realize that this blog is like a great private journal, where I can dump all my frustrations, anger and loss...and also pain.  I feel bad about that, that you, as the reader, gets to only read about the crappy part of my life, which admittedly, lately is the greater portion of it.  Maybe, like me, you're hoping to see some upbeat, happy posts, but so far I've disappointed you in that department.  I think that part of that stems from the fact that I feel the need to write when I'm having a tough time. Now don't worry, I won't abandon you when things pick up...did you notice that?  I said when, not if.  I guess that's optimism right there!


Last night, I made a date with a girl-friend from work.  I hadn't seen her since last fall, but although we worked together and have known each other via work for about 14 years, we really don't socialize much.  Since I've been sick, she's been the only one who chats to me on messenger when she sees that I'm online, she emails, she listens and she cares.  Out of all my personal friends, she seems to be the only true friend who has stuck with me during these difficult times.

from: http://pricetags.wordpress.com/2011/02/04/small-wheels-big-revolutions

So we met up last night at the local pub for a bite to each and chat.  Before meeting her, I decided to drop by the grocery store and pick up some items for the refrigerator, which was looking a little bare.  I put my quarter in, got my cart, and quickly noticed that it was "sticking" to one side, meaning that I had to correct it to make it go straight.  I was too lazy to go back, put this cart back, retrieve my quarter, go to another row and get another cart. I figured, what the heck, I only have a few items to pick up.  Armed with my grocery list I set off.  As it turned out, I fought this cart for 20 solid minutes while I was in the store.  Within the first few minutes I felt my back start to have those hot, sharp spasms.  The next few minutes brought on the usual radiating pain down my leg.  Soon, I was hunched over, unable to straighten up.  Making a turn into an aisle was almost impossible once the cart had a few items in it.  I just kept thinking of the finish line.  I finally made it to the till, paid for my items, packed them into my fabric grocery bags, then had to put them back into this darned cart, in order to get them to the car.  By the time I was at my tailgate, I was so exhausted that I was hot and clammy.  I was so thankful that I took my cane in with me as I desperately needed it to get back to the car.  I guess that is the frustrating part for me that I have to take my cane with me wherever I go, as I never know when I'll over-exert myself and be limping back.


By the time I reached the pub, I was so hobbling along.  We had a great time catching up and chatting.  I must admit that I was jealous of the glass of wine that she ordered.  I had to have just water, as with my meds, I'm very careful when driving, fully realizing that should someone hit me I could still be subjected to a breathalyzer and a glass of wine combined with my pain meds makes for a bad combo.  So I watched her sip her wine as she listened to me whine.  I appreciated that, that she didn't try to gloss over my pain and heartache- she just listened and offered support.  About 90 minutes in, she noticed that I was squirming in my seat. To be fair, I'd been squirming since the moment I sat down, but the frequency increased from changing positions every 10-15 minutes, to every 2-3.  She asked if we should call it a night, but stubbornly I said "Nah, I'm having a good time, let's chat for a bit longer".  These words would haunt me for the rest of the night.

from http://bayswater.ca/2010/05/chronic-pain-won’t-go-away

After spending 2 hours at the pub, I came home.  While in the car, I could feel my back and legs throbbing.  By the time I came home, I was exhausted.  I lay down on the couch in front of the fire as I felt cold - Freddie said it wasn't that cold in the house, but I find that when I'm in pain, I feel cold faster.  I spent the rest of the night on the couch.  On top of my regular fentanyl/amitryptaline cocktail, I downed 3 extra strength tylenols.  An hour passed and I felt not an ounce of relief.  I got the heating pad and set it to high and it must have offered some relief as I nodded off for a bit while watching "House".  By the time I crawled into bed, there were four of us there: besides Freddie and I, there was also the cat and the heating pad.  I had a lot of trouble falling asleep as I ached and hurt everywhere.  I couldn't move the heating pad fast enough from spot to spot, from my back, to my knees, to my hands, to my shoulders.  I know I was awake for a while, then finally dozed off.


The night was long. I woke up so many times!  This morning, I was groggier than most days.  Usually I get up with Freddie, make his coffee, breakfast and pack him a lunch while he gets ready for work.  No, we're not the Cleaver's, but I figure that this is my small contribution to his day, as I already feel that our roles are grossly out of balance.  This morning, I couldn't get out of bed.  Everything ached and throbbed.  I kept tossing and turning, only half sleeping - you know the feeling, when you're sleeping lightly and feel every ache and pain.  The Fertility Clinic woke me up at 8:30am - they couldn't find my file ( oh yes, I did get a new health card and changed my maiden name to my married name).  By 9:30am I gave up trying to sleep.  I was tired and exhausted.


It's now 11:30am. I've taken my Tylenol's, had breakfast and I'm resting on the couch.  My back and legs are throbbing in pain and I'm pretty uncomfortable and in a fair amount of pain.  It's crazy that I have to REST after breakfast!  It's crazy that a wobbly shopping cart can kick my a** in 20 minutes or less.  It's unbelievable that sitting with a friend for a mere 120 minutes was the cause of pain for the next slew of hours - but this is the new me.  I'm still getting used to this.  I still get scared and cry when I think that this might be the rest of my life.  For a Type A gal, it's hard to realize I have no control over any of this.


To add to the mix, the Fertility Clinic called back, agreeing to send me for a second opinion to another clinic (I'll write more about that later), so that made me really happy.  This happiness was dashed when Dr. Phil came on TV, which is usually on to keep me company during the day, and I got sucked into a story of a 15 year old girl who purposefully tried to induce a miscarriage, as she was scared to tell her parents, then suffered a still birth, felt remorse and guilt, took photos of her baby and buried the body nearby.  I couldn't stop listening to the show...  


I had planned on going out today, but at this point I'm not sure if I"ll be able to.  Let's hope tomorrow is a better day!