Goodbye 2010!

It's been a rough year, but I think most of us can say that.  As I reflect on this past year, there is so much sadness and dashed hopes and dreams. I really hope that 2011 will be better for all of us.


I found this on a fellow blogger's site [Thanks Jamie!!] and when I watched it, it so perfectly summed up the last year, I couldn't help but post it as well.

Wishing you all a very Happy 2011!!

Feast of the Holy Innocents

How fitting that I get back to blogging on the Feast of the Holy Innocents.  I've started looking at some devotionals and daily prayers on line - this is one of the ones that I like:  http://www.americancatholic.org/Features/SaintofDay/


Christmas went better than expected.  On Christmas Eve, we had a really nice dinner at my mom's, and the family behaved themselves for the most part.  My aunt was reasonably tolerable - I must let you know that recently I have not gotten along with this woman. She prides herself on being the etiquette expert and never fails to tell any of us what to do or how to do it, and when we get annoyed with her, she plays the "respect your elders" card.  She also prides herself on being a devout Catholic and standing up for the Church's teachings. I've been upset with her because when our angel left, she never said a word to us about it or even acknowledged our child's life. As a "good Catholic", you'd think that she would recognize that our baby was a real entity and child of God from conception, but instead silence. My mom, on the other hand, was really touched when she opened up her gift and among them was a small ornament to commemorate our sweet angel.  Her eyes welled up and I was really touched.  She hung the ornament promptly and I was happy to see this gesture.


The next day, we went to my in-laws and it was fairly pleasant too. I must admit that I was really bored at the start and frankly a little annoyed when all the 'tweens' pulled out their phones and proceeded to play and/or text, ignoring those of us in the room.  I am always annoyed by the fact that on my in-law's side, there is no distinction between Christmas and any other day.  The kids were either in jeans and t-shirts, or in jogging pants. Nothing was particularly clean or pressed. Freddie's dad did impress this year - he left his jogging pants and put on "real" pants this year, so that was nice. But the rest of the clan was dressed like any other day and this bugs me, as in my house, Christmas is one of the most important holidays, next to Easter, and everyone is dressed for dinner and the festivities.


Freddie's dad was also in a funky mood and at one point and came down and shared with us that my mother in law had had a biopsy on a growth on her leg and it came back cancerous, but they are certain that they cut it all out and she is healthy and apparently cancer free.  She will be monitored for the next while.  So he tells us this as we are sitting on the couch, one of the adults is sleeping on the next couch over and the kids are playing games on the floor. Now Freddie's dad is notorious for lacking the ability to keep a secret, so I'm not sure if this was news that he was supposed to share or if he simply spilled the beans as always. So naturally this spoiled the dinner for Freddie and I as we were totally worried, but couldn't even say anything as we weren't sure if we were supposed to know.  Oh, so stressful!


I've been praying every single day for our angel and to our angel that our angel will intercede on our behalf and ask God for another baby.  Freddie and I are really working hard at another baby and sometimes I worry that I'm going to wear the poor guy out!  On the bright side,  I've had some cramping, I've had one instance of some mild pink spotting if you will, and so I'm so hopeful that this will be our Christmas miracle.  I'm just worried that we might be disappointed again.  


So far, the break has been really nice with Freddie.  I feel that we are really close and on the same page.  Although I'll never forget our sweet baby, I don't cry and seem as sad as before, so I know that Freddie isn't as worried as before.  That doesn't mean that I'm magically better, but its just nice to have him from work and with me during the day, which definitely keeps my spirits up.


I've got a few medical appointments coming up, including seeing a surgeon to figure out next steps.  I started preparing for the appointment by reading up some info and making a list of questions I should be asking.  The more I read, the more scared I get of the surgery.  In fact, I'm TERRIFIED of surgery. I've never had surgery before. I'm not only scared of the increased pain, but I'm deathly afraid that it might make things worse.  What if I end up in more pain? What if I end up in worse shape? Or worse still, in a wheelchair?  If this was a life or death issue and I had not choice but to do surgery, then it would be easier.  The choice terrifies me - and then what if I decide that surgery is too risky but my disability insurer disagrees?  Can they force me to have surgery?  I just feel so scared right now!!!  We desperately want a baby and with my age, this is the best time for us, we shouldn't wait. If by some miracle we got pregnant this month, then that would give me more time to figure out what my options are, maybe see another surgeon, or simply postpone the surgery...


I'm ready and positively thrilled at just the thought that perhaps God would grace our lives with another child, but the thought of surgery and the possibly life-altering after effects simply terrify me.  I just feel scared.

Merry Christmas

Just taking a moment, before I shower, iron my clothes and pack up all my cookies and cakes for our big Christmas Eve Vigil... but I wanted to wish you all a very Merry Christmas.  May this Christmas be peaceful and happy, even though many of us will be thinking of not only Baby Jesus, but also of our own babies who rest at God's feet.  I saw this image on Facebook and it seemed so sweet, so I'm sharing it with you as well. 

Merry Christmas!!!

Things I'll never get to do now

So its been a few days and I'm trying to get into the spirit of the season. Some days it works, some days it doesn't.  


On Sunday night, Freddie and I were watching Survivor. Now, I must admit that Survivor is kind of like a car wreck - its frustrating, takes a long time to get through it and although it annoys you, you can't look away. Neither one of us was a fan of "Fabio's", but seeing the three that were left, Chase, Sash and Fabio, both Freddie and I felt that the right person won.  It was nice to see someone who played a decent, clean game win.  So we've been watching for many weeks how nasty and malicious these people are to each other.  I've always maintained that "It's just a show" is no excuse for bad behaviour.  Clearly, this just shows what people will do for money, so yes, it is a game, but what values are they willing to compromise?


Having said that, I'd love to be on the show!  I'd like to think that I would not cheat, lie or hurt anyone along the way, but I also doubt I'd win.  So this started me thinking on what types of things my current disability is preventing me from, and Survivor is definitely one of them. Now let's be real, there are plenty of other reasons why I wouldn't make the show [not being a US citizen is one of the biggest], but I'm still annoyed that my back/neck pain is limiting me this way!  


So to add to the list, here are a few others:
     -can't go skiing anytime soon [and I just bought all new gear last year!]
     -the bike and rollerblades are sitting in their racks, hopefully I'll be able to get back to them someday
     -dancing...ooooh, I love to dance!  I hope to do more than slow dance when Freddie "holds me up" [on a side note, we went to a wedding in November and I hated having to sit on the sidelines, wear FLATS and be an old lady!  I wanted to shake it up on the dance floor - I mean, I know I looked good and I wanted show off a bit!]
    -skydiving!  Now, I've always wanted to try, but really, I think I'd shit my pants and then chicken out in the end...

There's many more, but these are the ones near and dear to my heart. I guess the frustration is that I can't do this, that something is preventing me from doing it, and most importantly that it's not MY choice.  My circumstances are dictating what I can and can't do, I certainly don't feel like I'm in charge of my own life.  It just makes me sad.  I guess the most important thing that I'd like to get back would be to just feel back to normal and be able to enjoy everyday things.

Confession Time

I went to confession today.  I admit that I don't go often, but I make a point of going at least twice a year.  If I did go more often, I think that would definitely strengthen my relationship with God, but I also feel that I talk to Him daily not only in prayer, but also in conversation.


The church was quiet, except for the sound of Christmas carols in the background.  There were two priests available all day, sitting in full view, on either side of the altar.  Now, quite often, this strikes the "Fear of God", literally, into most Catholics walking into church for reconciliation, but knowing that I had nothing embarrassing to confess, I was not daunted.


One of my favourite priests, Father Jim was free, so I kneeled down and prayed for a moment and thought about what I would say (bonus: no lineup!!).  He smiled as I approached.  It took me a moment to get organized as I had to put my purse down on the floor as I kneeled on the kneeler, and of course I had to place my cane down as well...yes, you read correctly, I am using a cane to get around.  Some days I can make it on my own, but often my balance is off and I need it for stability - then there are days like today where I just hurt and I need it to get around.  I also know that as the day progresses, I need the cane more and more, and I had planned on going to Costco afterwards as well, so preparation is key.  But I digress...


I confessed from being a hard-ass at work sometimes.  I know that although I try to be inclusive of my team, sometimes I need to lay down the law and I know that in the spring I had a temporary employee who was just "not all there" and so I had to ask for things 3 or 4 times and eventually I came to dislike her and I know that I was less than pleasant at times - I regret that.  I told Father Jim that Freddie and I had lost a baby over the summer and before I knew it, the tears were streaming down my face.  
I could barely whisper that I was angry, so angry all the time.  I confessed that I feel entitled to certain things, like sympathy and care from my family, and when I don't get it, I get angry again.  I confessed that I am lazy in prayer because I don't kneel down at night, instead I crawl into bed, I cuddle up to Freddie and I pray under the covers.  Now don't get me wrong, I DO NOT blame God for our loss, but I do feel lazy about prayer.  I was literally whispering this, as I couldn't even articulate my thoughts between the tears streaming down my face; Father Jim just smiled at me with such love and care and told me that it was OK to be angry and entitled. He reminded me that there is no perfect Christmas, but that it is Christmas regardless of our pain and suffering.  He encouraged me to pray, make a routine out of it, and to offer my pain and suffering to God.  He spoke with me for a long while and I know this because my knees were starting to give out on me.


I am really taking his suggestion to heart.  I'll try to find a quiet spot during the day when I can light a candle, read the Bible a little bit, and reflect on my prayer a bit more.  Hopefully if I publicly state that, I'll follow through - so feel free to ask me how its going.


I ended up staying another 30 minutes at church talking to God. I lit a candle for our angel and I prayed to St. Jude, patron saint of lost causes, begging for the chance to have a baby.  I'm hoping this will be our month...


Have you had difficulty with prayer? If so, how did you overcome it?

Macaroons and Confession

It's been a busy week.  We've been hit with our second huge snowstorm of the year.  The city once again was at a standstill, services were suspended and we were stranded at home...again.  I must say that I can't really complain - I enjoy these snow days, as at least I'm not home alone all the time.  Granted, Freddie spent a good chunk of the day trying to clear the driveway, but at least he was home, with me.


A few days after our 'tearful' weekend, I decided to give it my all - and bake. You already know I'm just not in the Christmas spirit, but after Freddie put up the tree and the lights, I trimmed it the next day. It was sooooo much work, but I wanted it done.  I bought an angel baby ornament for our sweet angel, and I hung it next to our "First Christmas Together" ornament. Its right at eye-level when I'm on the couch, and I can't help but be sad that all we have this Christmas is an ornament - no baby :-(


The next day, I decorated the rest of the house, including our large staircase.  I also cleaned up and put everything away, as our bi-weekly cleaning lady was coming and since this was going to be the last cleaning prior to Christmas, I wanted to make sure it was thorough. And...

So I baked and baked.  I made 6 dozen coconut macaroons for the cookie exchange coming up and a few dozen for us to enjoy.  I also made a zebra cookie where you have an orange white layer, a nutty beige layer and a dark coffee layer. You basically have 3 or 4 of these repetitions, so you get a square cookie with about 9 or 12 coloured lines.  These were a lot of work as you prepare each coloured layer separately and then chill the dough. Next, you have to roll the dough out, making sure that each colour was about the same size, so that you can stack them one on top of the other, but the dough would either break up and crumble, or when I finally had it rolled out, it would fall and crumble.  I hated this dough, it was a nightmare. Its now chilling in the fridge, just waiting to be baked. The macaroon, however, are fantastic!  Moist and sweet, absolutely delicious!!!


I was exhausted!  I was in so much pain that I though I'd pass out. On the last batch of macaroons I actually got so nauseous, dizzy and shaky, my vision went blurry and I honestly thought I'd pass out any minute. I called Freddie and he had to spoon out the last sheet of macaroons and bake them.  At no point did he say, 'Whoa, you're doing too much babe!' - but he did say it the next day.  I just realized that I CAN'T DO IT ALL.  I can't do the things I used to be able to do.  The amount of pain every single day is manageable if I "take it easy", but when I try to behave like the old me, I'm whimpering and crumbling in pain. I have to face reality, I'm not being lazy, sadly, this is the "new" me, and Freddie is just going to have to realize that this is the way it is now, and somehow accept it.  Wish us luck!!

Rough weekend...emotionally.

So here we find ourselves, its almost hard to believe, that we're only 2 weeks from Christmas!  I don't know how or when this happened, but this year it has really snuck up on me (and maybe you too?).  I decorated the tree and will finish the last touches on the rest of the house today, I hope.


The weekend was a bit rough.  Freddie and I had the first argument in months!  Now, I might preface this by disclosing that we do not argue often, I'd say maybe once or twice a year and its usually over cleaning. And that is how this one started.  As you know, any good fight is not about one topic exclusively, somehow all other "beefs" and "gripes" get sucked into it and it inevitably ends in tears.  I hate the fact that I'm so emotional and that I end up crying. Its not fair, in fact I feel like I'm sabotaging Freddie by using the "tear card" - except that its not a "tear card", I genuinely can't help it!  


So I asked Freddie to clean off the dining room table from his tools, bring the tree and ornaments up, and, and, and.  He proceeded to tell me that its hard for him to take direction from someone sitting on Facebook - and he was right.  I've come to lean on him so much that the things I'd do when I was single, I now wait for him to do, and lately, as I'm trying not to overdo it, a lot more falls on his shoulders.  I really felt that he was implying that I wasn't doing a whole lot around the house - and compared to before, I really haven't done a whole lot.  When I questioned him about it, he kept repeating that he was sorry that he made me feel bad, that he hated seeing me upset like this... but at no time did he say that it wasn't true, that I was doing enough, or that it was OK.  


I know that he tries to be supportive, but I know its hard for him.  I think that deep down somewhere he resents, a little bit, the fact that I'm home all day, "sitting on my a** and playing online".  Now, if you ask him, he'd say it wasn't true, but I think that it is, a least a little bit.  I've made a conscious effort to make more of an effort around here and try to do more each day, which is hard for me as I feel so sad and depressed most of the time.  I didn't bother to try and explain that the community of women I've found online, on various blogs, and yes, on Facebook, are my support and almost a "life line" to the outside world.  I don't have a strong social network, my friends are all doing their own thing, especially now with Christmas coming, and I'm cooped up in the house most of the day [save for the few hours I'm out at physio] seeing the mess and thinking of all the things that need to be done, the things that I'll ask Freddie to do when he gets home.  I just have to remember that he needs some down time too - if I were to psychoanalyze myself, I think that keeping our home in shape is the only thing I can control right now and so I try, but I can't do it alone.  I just need to let it go a bit, lower my standards and chill.


On Sunday, I was still a little sad from our emotional Saturday night.  In church, it was another lovely service with the participation of our local Bishop, who had a sermon about patience and he gave examples relating to raising children.  I couldn't help but cry through the entire service. It wasn't one of those hysterical cries, but rather tears streaming down my face all the time. I hid this from Freddie by blowing my nose, or just "scratching" my cheek to wipe a tear.  I couldn't help but think where we'd be with our angel now...well into our 6th month.  I had hoped so much to have something to look forward to for Christmas, the possibility of a new baby, but instead I feel so gutted.


I'll try to bake some cookies and maybe that will improve my mood, at least temporarily.

Another BFN!!

So I finally feel like I've brought this blog up to date and where I am today.  I will admit that it wasn't easy to go through all these memories and thoughts, and in a way, relive this experience "from a distance".

As you know, this was the first month that I felt "ready" to move on with having a family once again.  Our sweet angel is just that, an angel in heaven at the feet of God, perpetually in God's warmth and light. I know I don't have to worry about our angel as our sweet baby is in the care of God and His angels... but I still can't help but wish that I could hold our baby and have him/her here with us.  I've been praying for our angel's happiness, for good health for our family [as I desperately need it] and for another baby.  I'm starting to feel like its turning into a little bit of an obsession - all I can think about is having a baby, but it was such a long journey the first time, that I'm worried that this is some unattainable dream...

We are trying again, and I'm kind of sad and upset because I'm expecting my third period since our loss any day now...and I don't think we conceived this time again.  It took us so long last time that I'm scared it won't happen for us. My husband is trying to stay positive, but I'm having a tougher time.  I finally feel like I'm finally emotionally "ready" (or as ready as I could be) to move forward, and my body is failing me again.  I'm charting my BBT and observing all the signs, we even purchased PreSeed on the advice of a friend, and I don't think any of it helped.  My cycle had always been a bit irregular and since the miscarriage, I can only go on what happened last month. So based on that, AF should have arrived anytime between this past sunday and today... and so far still no sign of AF. I've taken multiple pregnancy tests and they all come back NEGATIVE, including this morning.  I'm using the internet tests, and I don't even see the faintest of lines, nothing, zip, zilch, zero!!!  I keep hoping and praying, but I just feel so defeated!!  


I can't really talk to anyone about this, as my friends just don't understand.  In the past, they've questioned if we should even have kids, in light of my back problems and requirement to take meds.  I've been questioned on the following:
     -will you be able to take care of a baby?
     -will you be able to carry a baby to term?
     -what if your child inherits your back problems?
     -will your meds affect your baby's development?
     -you won't be able to do "everything" with your child, aren't you depriving them?
     -why don't you just adopt?
I do appreciate their concerns, but sometimes I feel like people don't think we're capable of making this decision.  For the record, Freddie and I had a lot of frank discussions before we got married.  I made it very clear what our life could possibly look like - if I were to end up in a wheelchair (God forbid!), would he stick around with me or with our family?  And the answer was a resounding yes. But I guess the bottom line is that we can't plan life on "what if's".  There will always be "what if's" that are unavoidable.  So here are my answers to the questions above.
     Of course I'll be able to take care of a baby!  As long as I'm careful in how I do things, pace myself and take my time, I should be fine.  We've also considered certain aids that would make my life easier, like a drop down crib. Now before I get lambasted for this dangerous type of crib, in my case, it would be very difficult to lean over a crib to pick up a baby. So as long as its assembled appropriately, I think that this would be of great help to us. I'm fully aware that once we have a toddler on our hands, odds are that Freddie would be the only one lifting our child, but I'm certain that I can show love and cuddles in other ways. Its not all about carrying your child around.
     I know I can carry a baby to term - I've asked!!  As soon as I found out I had this back problem, that was one of my concerns, and I've been assured by multiple physicians, therapists and physiatrists that yes, I can make it through a pregnancy. Apparently, there might be some bed rest involved at the end, but my mom tells me that she was told she'd be on bed rest while pregnant with me (due to her back problems), and that wasn't the case... and that was over 30 years ago!!!
     Inheriting my back problems is certainly a concern, as I would never want to purposefully inflict this type of pain on anyone, especially my child.  I would also hate for him/her to have my "thunder thighs" (I still remember Freddie laughing hysterically the first time he heard me describe them this way, as clearly he didn't see them this way :-)  ), or my need for glasses, or  Freddie's need for glasses, or the history of diabetes on Freddie's side, and the list goes on and on.  The back problems that I have are different than those of my mom, as I clearly didn't inherit her issues, I was blessed with my own.  There is simply no way of knowing what our child may or may not inherit, so we can't let that stop us from starting a family.
     I think that I've mentioned this before, that when we were merely thinking about a baby, we visited an endocrinologist who reviewed all my medications and gave us indications of what was safe or not.  The only concern that exists is the pain medication that I take, as it may cause a mild withdrawal symptom at birth and a possibly lower birth weight.  Several physicians have assured me that these are not major issues and that we are not talking about a crack baby here.  I've read all the available studies out there and the above occurred in dosages that were 2-3 times mine - my current dosage is unlikely to increase that much anytime soon.  I've also read studies where women on a slightly higher dosage than mine had a completely uneventful and normal delivery, with a healthy baby or normal weight, with no withdrawal symptoms whatsoever.  I've also visited a forum for chronic pain where several ladies have stories of healthy babies growing into healthy toddlers and beyond. I've also been assured that there is no evidence of my meds contributing to any physical, developmental or behavioural issues later on.  I really feel like we've done our homework here.
     There is certainly a chance that I won't be able to do "everything" with our child - at the moment, I can't ski, snowboard, rollerblade, etc.  For the record, though, I also can't windsurf, play chess or skydive, as I simply don't know how.  My physical limitations are significant to my daily life and I do need help around the house, but although I can't do some things, I can still do others... and our children would still have a fantastic father who would love to do things with them as well.  
     Adoption - yes, why don't we?  Well, although I'm very open to adoption, I also want to experience having a child of my own.  I want to see Freddie's eyes and my lips looking back at me.  I want to know what that connection with our child is like and I want to know what it's like to have a baby.  We are open to adopting other children, but the reality is that we would probably adopt an older child, as there are very few babies available through the Children's Aid Society.  In order to adopt a baby, we would need to go through a private agency or possibly look internationally - I've looked into it and simply filing the paperwork requires a starting retainer of $10-15,000.  By the time the adoption is complete, we could be looking at $40,000 or more...and who can afford that??


It just seems that there is a challenge at every step of this journey!!  It just seems that everyone is able to achieve this simple task, except me. I know there is still a slight chance this month as AF isn't here yet, but its just not looking likely, and I just feel so sad again.  I was hoping that there might be a glimmer of hope and happiness for Christmas...

It's all about timing...

Back in November, I won't deny, that I was disappointed and relieved to get a negative pregnancy test, but this month, I'm really hoping for a positive sign.  I had gone and talked to a "counsellor" on two occasions, and although I didn't find it overly helpful, it seemed to help me get out of my "funk", but to be honest, I think I was already feeling a bit better when I went to see her.  Being busy, and getting out of the house a bit, had definitely helped my mood.  So hopefully we'll be in better shape next month.

This month, I received a lovely care package from Angel Whispers.  I found them online and they sent me a lovely little bear, almost as if I got what I wanted.  I had wanted to buy a small stuffed animal for our angel's memory box, and here was a small teddy bear with wings. It was so sweet. The package had some info, leaflets, a sympathy card, some hand lotion, and a certificate of life. The timing was perfect...and it was so sweet that it reminded me that there are some really caring and supportive people out there...its just disappointing that I had to look for them, that my family couldn't be there for me of their own accord.  Oh well, we all wish for things...

What next???

I've been pondering, since I'm at home with a lot of time to think...maybe too much... but I've been pondering, what is our next move?  Should we start trying for another baby right away? Should we wait?

I read the recent study which indicated that there is no need to wait 6 months post miscarriage to have another baby. In fact, it seems that women who conceive within 6-months have a lower rate of miscarrying again. This is very encouraging, especially for someone like me, who is "age challenged".

At my age, and with the possibility of a fairly serious surgery in the future, we can't really wait. I'm seeing a specialist in the New Year and I hope that they will offer me a surgical option...I figure that with the wait time, I'll have approximately 9-12 months prior to surgery.  If I wait post surgery to think about getting pregnant, I'll be in my late 30's and that could be too late...so we're between a rock and a hard place. We can't afford IVF [and I don't agree with it on moral grounds...the disposal of embryos part], we won't be able to afford adoption either, as that gets expensive soon.  

This "next steps" thought process actually makes me upset sometimes.  Last weekend seemed particularly difficult...it started one evening when Freddie went out with his friends for beers and I stayed home. I was annoyed that my friends hadn't called to get together or drop by to see me...and I was in a fair bit of pain...and the mind starts to wander.  There is no doubt in my mind that no future child will replace our angel, and not a day goes by that I don't think and pray for our baby - but we also want to have a family.  Physically, we got the green light right away...but honestly, I don't think we'll ever be 100% emotionally ready, knowing the risks and knowing the heartache of losing a child. We both fully realize that the next pregnancy will not be the same - it won't be happy, but rather scary and nerve racking all the way...I don't think any amount of counselling can change that, but time is not on our side, so I guess the decision has been made for us.

When our angel left, we did use a unisex name, and openly use it at home - I hope you don't mind, if for the purposes of the blog, I simply refer to our baby as our Angel.  I know that if we are blessed to have another baby, we would not name any future children with our angel's name.  Our sweet angel was very unique, a one of a kind child, and I think that each child is individual and special...and deserves his/her own name.  So should we get far enough along to pick names, we would definitely pick an alternate one.  We didn't buy anything this time around, as I had just begun to show... but we had looked at some items on a US shopping trip and had started planning the nursery...we just never got to act on it.  I don't know what I'll want the second time around, I guess it will depend on how I feel.  All I know for sure is that if people ask [which they will] if this is our first, I will definitely say that its our second child.

Awkward moments...

We had an awkward situation this weekend. We were at a goodbye party for some friends that were moving and ran into my husbands former boss... a jovial guy who speaks before he thinks, and before we knew it, he asked if we were making babies yet... we both felt like we turned to stone, not knowing what to say. I couldn't even think of a smartass joke-type comment...he actually said that the awkward silence that followed clearly showed it was none of his business and he laughed. In retrospect....probably the best answer we could have given him!

I feel like a Yo-Yo!!

It seems that my state of mind depends on the day, what's going on, how I'm feeling, etc.  The weekend seemed to be much better, and my husband, as if on cue, told me all the things that I needed to hear...and I didn't even tell him about my "freak out" thoughts. It does seem though that I feel a lot better, then come back to this dark place of despair once in a while...but I also tend to think that this might be a bit normal.  In my case, I also have a lot more to deal with, considering my long term illness.  I don't know if I want to talk to a counsellor... I've heard from some people that its a chance to talk it out...but I would hope that there would also be an element of learning strategies to cope with this grief and sadness. Anyway, a recommendation always goes a lot further than just picking someone out of the phonebook.

I created a lovely memory box for our angel and put in it all the things I could: the pregnancy test, my hospital ID bracelets, prescriptions, info on follow up care, the ultrasound photo, the letter I wrote to our angel, as well as the few cards and flowers that we received.  I know that our baby's birth day [due date] and death anniversary will always be engraved on our hearts.  I I haven't put away all the sympathy cards yet...soon.

I also realize that part of sharing my story via this blog is to establish a new set of friends and support network.  I've been reading many blogs over the last few months and just didn't feel ready to share yet, but I really valued the support and friendships which blossomed between these women who didn't even know each other...and I'd love to be part of this group. As my mom always reminds me, we don't pick our families...we pick our friends. So my family will always be that, family... but I realize that I lack a good girlfriend in whom I can confide...I thought I had that, but clearly not...

Down in the dumps!

I seem to have entered the dumps and can't quite seem to drag myself back  to the top. It just feels like everything is out of control.  I'm praying that surgery will be able to help me get my life back. I just feel so worthless and useless right now. My self-esteeem and self-worth are hitting rock bottom. I still get out and try to do as much as I can, but I just don't feel worthy or deserving of anything at the moment. My husband is being amazing, but even my mom mentioned that he didn't sign up for all of this. We are getting along well and there are no problems, but I have this gnawing thought that has been bugging me lately - when is he going to say "enough" and move on? This is so totally irrational as I don't think its going to happen, but its my greatest fear. Due to my illness, we don't do much, we don't go out, I don't even laugh as much as I used to...my body is failing me in so many areas. I don't contribute to the household as much as I used to, financially or with work. My career prospects are dim at the moment...everything is out of control.

Anyway, back to the topic at hand...the memorial service was actually very nice. It was a cold and rainy day and it turned out that the service was private. I thought it was going to be part of the regular daily mass, but it turned out that that particular church didn't have a mass and that my friend, the priest, presided over a mass just for us. My inlaws came and my mom did too. We got flowers from all of them for our 3rd wedding anniversary which was the same day. It was really nice to have our sweet angel acknowledged publicly. It was just us in a large quiet church. It was so somber and fitting.  I did wonder if perhaps we should have invited the rest of the family, but on the flip side, I didn't want that fake pleasantry or the fake support. I had hoped that my friend might have done something a little more special, like maybe get us a candle or a medallion for our baby, but he's a typical guy and didn't think of it...that's OK. So the service was just a regular mass with a few blessings and the main intention was for our angel's eternal rest and to thank God for blessing us with this baby in the first place.  I did write a letter to our sweet baby on Oct 15th...and I cried throughout the whole thing. All those dreams and hopes ...dashed. 

Thanksgiving was OK. Support? Ha!  Dinner at my in-laws went OK. One of my brothers in law, about halfway through dinner, mentioned that he was sorry to hear about our loss [2 months later...a little late, eh?] and are we going to try again. Wow, talk about jumping from one thing to the next and invading our privacy! He hasn't spoken to us in months and then asks us about our private family plans...I was glad that Freddie answered him, as I could feel the tears welling up and my throat getting tight. That was it...no further mention.  Then, when we all disclosed what we were thankful for this year, I was honest, I said that I was thankful that despite this difficult time, I was thankful that things weren't worse - I'm chronically ill, I'm worried that I may not have a job to go back to, we lost our baby, and both my husband and I were lucky that I didn't lose my life or our ability to have kids in the future...and the brother in law made a snide remark that that was a silly thing to be thankful for and I wasn't taking it seriously. Walk a mile in our shoes buddy before you talk...we all know too well how insensitive people are ...wish I could say that these remarks get easier to handle, but they just don't :-(    


Then we had dinner with my family on the Monday, and my dear aunt/godmother, the one who hasn't said a word to us (and its hurtful as our family is very close, or so I thought, and she claims to be the proper etiquette expert and never fails to point our anyone else's errors, yet she can't see that the 'proper' thing would be to at least send a card...). I went over to hug her hello and she said, "Oh don't bother bending down"...she could have stood up to say hello. So I took that to mean "don't really bother". She didn't say a word to either of us all day and at the end, she said goodbye to everyone else except us. She was leaving so I went to the door to say goodbye to my grandmother who was going with her, and she just waved as she walked out the door...but had hugged and said a proper goodbye to everyone else. In a way I'm glad that she didn't say anything, as I think that no matter what she would have said, I'd be mad at her. It just makes family get togethers really odd...I guess I can do the polite thing and respect my elders, but know that deep down she's just hurtful and never count on her support again.

My husbands siblings have also chosen to ignore us. My closest friends have also stayed away. My two friends who lost babies have also stayed away. I met up once, with my friend who lost a baby 16 years ago, and that was it. I think that she also thinks I need to suck it up and move on. My other friend has a little girl, but has lost 3 babies over the last 5 years...I think that perhaps talking to me just opens up wounds and that is why she's avoiding me and my emails...that's what I think as I don't really know.  I'm just so disappointed that at tough times like these, we're supposed to be able to count on friends and family...and I sadly realize that I can't count on one or the other. We did, however, get a sympathy card from my husbands great-aunt. She didn't write much, but that simple gesture meant so much...oddly, we see her about once every 2 years, and she felt compelled to send a note...it was really nice.

I did write a letter to my mother-in-law, and I didn't lambaste her for being insensitive, but I just explained how hard this was for us, how supportive her son has been and how overworked he is [aka stop asking him to do stuff for you, he has his own worries]. I also said that our angel brought us closer together and that I was planning on calling them "mom" and "dad"...she seemed to get it a bit after that and there have been no more insensitive comments. I think that maybe she realized that we were more affected by this than she thought...Freddie tends to put up the 'we're fine" face, and I think they need to know that we're not fine. They did display our angel's ultrasound at Thanksgiving... 

We've started trying again. I finally got my period a couple of weeks ago...I was getting worried as it was almost 9 weeks for it to arrive. It took us so long to get pregnant last time [over a year and a half], that I don't feel like we have time to wait. We're both in our mid-30's, so for me, I don't have much time before the infertility gets worse. I really feel like its now or never. I want another baby, as we both want a family, but I don't want that to overshadow our angel. I don't know if I'm emotionally ready, there is so much going on with me in terms of medical stuff, not working...it would give me something to focus on...I just don't know. I figure that God will decide if its right or not...I'm not sure how I'll feel...I don't know if we're even going to be lucky enough to have a baby again....

Another aspect is that it seems that Freddie has moved on and I'm left in the dumps alone.  It  helps Freddie that he goes to work and has to return to a normal life, while I stay at home and wallow in my grief. I don't even know if its grief or just frustration at my entire "life" situation right now. I'm seriously thinking that if this funk doesn't change soon, maybe I do need to go talk with a counsellor...my fears are starting to get the better of me.  I don't want to only talk, I'd like to get some advice and strategies to use...I just feel so lost right now. I thought I was doing well and things were getting better, and then suddenly I feel like crap all over again...hormones perhaps? Oh I don't know..I'm just all over the map right now...  I wish I could go away on vacation somewhere and regroup.  I seem to wish for so much lately....

Who I THOUGHT I could COUNT on....

In case you're confused by the multiple posts per day, I'm including some of the thoughts from my diary, about how I felt about things over the last few months.  As I've decided to blog, I'm trying to bring you up to date on where we are today.
I guess the topic of friends, family and support is often addressed in cases of a baby loss.  These are people who have been part of my life for a long time, people on whom I thought I could count in good times and bad - I mean they were there to bask in the good times!

Friends.  Let's see. We didn't tell anyone until after the first trimester, so most people didn't know. Neither our friends nor family have been anything but "ok...now get over it" attitude.  Only my in-laws and my mom have been really good about it.  I did sent out an email notice to close family and friends to share our sad news and barely got any replies back.  I got a card from a work friend, and another one from a colleague who said "she knew how much I wanted to be pregnant"...what?  It was a To Cheer You type of card. It wasn't about being pregnant, it was about the baby that we lost!!  My brothers in law have not communicated with us at all, most of my family hasn't said much either.  I have two friends, one came over and spent about 4 hours with me, the other spent 2 hours chatting with me - they both went through this....we haven't talked since.  I get the vibe from the first one that she also thinks I need to move on.... other than that, I've really had no friends step up and let me talk or offer me a shoulder to cry on. I'm shocked and really disappointed. I think of all the times I was there for them....  I think that the relationship has changed with our families - I feel like I'm done putting up with crap from them. I don't want "fake" sympathy now...but I've learned that I can't count on them at all. Its really hurtful and so extremely disappointing.

It seems that friends are usually great in good times, but when you need them, very few step up and help. I don't feel the need to talk to them about this, as it will end in an argument and I know they don't "get it" regardless of how much I want them to understand.  So I think I'll muddle through as is, then share some good news with them next time there is some and leave it at that...

We haven't had any baby news in our immediate circle, except for my next door neighbour who is due 10 days after our due date. There are some girls at work who are due, but I do not intent on going to their showers...I just can't do it.  We had our angels' memorial service -we only invited our parents, as I don't want that fake family support now...where were they all when we needed them?  We didn't get cards or flowers or a casserole. It would have been great if someone had offered to make us dinner...but we got nothing. In fact, my mother in law pointed out that we should be calling her two other sons, because one also has a chronic illness and he gets "lonely" and the other one has kids and is busy. I was so upset - they never called us, they never expressed condolences, I'm also home on disability leave for a chronic condition and no one calls me, but somehow I'm supposed to reach out to others? It just seemed to take the cake!  My family is Catholic and we're supposed to believe that a baby has a soul from conception, yet somehow, my family and friends don't really practice that belief...if they did, they'd understand that we lost a child, not a pregnancy. You know, the more I think about it, the madder I feel at my family & friends for their apathetic response to this. It just really makes me feel so totally alone...

There are days like today, when I'm really sad about the whole thing. The loss of our baby, the lack of family support, etc.  Then there are days when I have to remember that our baby was actually real.  We had tried for so long to have a baby, that it almost seems like a distant dream...and I'm almost back to feeling like we're never going to have kids.  I still don't get out much - I really don't want to be out with people too much - I listen to their gripes and I can't help but think "Big deal, its not as if you lost your baby or anything".  Sometimes, I still do the count to see where we would have been now. In fact, we're went to a wedding in November, and I was really looking forward to showing up  in a loose dress, showing off our happy news...and I'll be thinking of how it might have been...

Wow, writing this has really made me sentimental and has made me sadder than I was before.  I guess I still can't really accept that this has happened to us...

Thanks for "listening".