I hope that you all had a wonderful Christmas and a great New Year!!
I wish that I could say that mine was great, but my now infamous aunt, caused more drama at our special Christmas Eve dinner and effectively ruined it. Oddly, I had gone to confession and decided to make a very conscious effort to have a NICE dinner and a great holiday this year and to NOT react to any of my aunt's poking and prodding. This is the last Christmas that Freddie and I are 'alone', as next year we'll have a little one with us. I had expected that my aunt and grandma would fuss over me a little bit or be excited about the baby, but that was not meant to be. Dinner was strained, filled with many awkward pauses and silence. We tried to fill the dead air as much as possible with the kind of small talk that I normally hate. I did well, not reacting to any of my aunt's 'baits' and comments and I was proud of myself. After the meal, I was in a lot of pain from sitting at the table and suggested that we move to the couch and spend some time around the tree - and that's when it all fell apart. My aunt just got up abruptly and started getting dressed to leave. I asked what was going on and she declared that she was not going to be exchanging gifts [as she declares each year]. To be clear, my aunt has never been happy with any gift she has ever received - she was born a complainer and has never enjoyed anything. She has not wanted to do gifts for years, and for years she hasn't brought gifts [including birthdays], but we continue to buy small tokens of Christmas for all of us - this year's 'gift' was a $2.00 box of ornaments for each person bought at last year's Boxing Day sale. It's not the amount, but simply the spirit of the Holiday. Anyway, my mom had gone upstairs to write a card and I asked my aunt to at least wait until she came down. As my mom came down the stairs, my aunt was out the door followed by her son and my grandma. Only grandma managed to say 'Bye' over her shoulder, while the other two offered no 'Thank You for dinner', 'Goodbye' or I daresay "Wow, nice place" - as my mom had just moved and this was their first visit to her new home. Nothing. I was stunned. I was so upset I could feel my entire body shaking and the tears came - what the heck was that? Why do we bother getting together as a family at all?? Honestly, if someone else had refused a nominal gift and left midway from our annual Christmas celebration I'd be offended - and I was! It was a record: one hour and twenty two minutes of Christmas. We were all stunned. Freddie and my mom comforted me and reminded me that next year we'll have our own Christmas with a new baby. Oddly, there was not even the mention of the baby, or how much I've grown...nothing. I don't know why I bother letting this same person hurt me over and over again - why am I stupid and naive enough to hope for a nice family gathering? Freddie keeps telling me that the definition of Insanity is expecting a different result time and time again, and I think he's right, I am the insane one, hoping and praying for a different family gathering. I really should learn to lower my expectations and simply be surprised should an actual dinner go well.
The next day, since my mom now lives 3 streets over, we invited her over for breakfast and we all went to church together. The service was lovely and I could feel the tears well up when the priest talked about what Christmas means to us as a community, as a family and as individuals. Yup, that close sense of family was nonexistant for me and it really saddened me. After church, we went home to relax then headed over to Freddie's parents, where no family gathering is made out into a huge celebration - what I mean is, we were greeted by my FIL in his jogging pants and sweatshirt, MIL in an 'everyday' outfit, and the rest of the gang in jeans and sometimes ripped socks. I mean at our place, this is the time to dress up and put on your best outfit - clearly, not the case here. We had appetizers then did a small gift exchange. Freddie and I didn't expect anything as we were given a cheque prior to the holidays [their tradition is that his mom gives everyone money, everyone buys their own gift and returns it to her, then she wraps and you get it at Christmas]. Our cheque was reserved for baby items...so we didn't expect anything. But under the tree were two stockings and a cloth bag full of baby outfits, blankets, hats, etc. Apparently, my MIL had gone and bought all these items at a second hand store, which I loved!!! I was actually worried that she had gone out and spent a small fortune on this baby stash, so learning that these were inexpensive items helped. We were so touched!! Oddly, this was such a contrast to the 'family' experience the night before!!
I was happy to see Sammy's ornament on both my in-laws' tree and on my mom's. Often I'd look at the ornament on our tree and think about what could have been... what should have been... how Sammy should have been 9 months old and this should have been his first Christmas... A happy Christmas and the celebration of Christ's birth saddened me as I thought that while we celebrate the entrance of one baby into the world, I cant' help but think of the loss of another...
Oddly, I thought about the fact that I should have gotten Sammy a stocking to put up with the two that Freddie and I had. It was a total fluke that my MIL had put the baby clothes into two identical stockings - so one will be for Sammy and one for the new baby. I'm hoping that next year, we will write small notes to Sammy and date them. I'm hoping that over the years, as I read our wishes to our child, it will somehow keep him closer to me at Christmas. I miss my child so much, especially at family gatherings where we should have a high chair between Freddie and I, we should hear happy gurgling and baby noises... instead I end up rubbing my belly and praying that this second baby will be a 'take home' baby. I'm not naive enough to think that since I'm in my 30th week now that we're in the 'safe' zone, as I simply don't think there is one. I pray and hope that we'll have a baby soon... and I pray that Sammy always knows how much we love and miss him. I'd hate to think that our angel would be upset or jealous of this new life...
The rest of the break was spent with Freddie relaxing and enjoying our time together. Many an evening I would lay on the couch beside Freddie, with our two cats curled up on my belly, while "thumper" would kick, probably telling them that s/he needed more room. I love when Freddie puts his hand on my belly and feels 'thumper' kicking - I'm a little sad that he can't experience the movements the way I can. Sometimes I feel a little distance between us, as I seem to be on the 'pregnancy journey' alone - after all, it's my body going through all these changes, it's my mind wondering who our child will grow up to be, it's my body dealing with the increased pain as my belly expands. Freddie's life hasn't changed that much - but mine has. Freddie often tells me he loves me, but he seems hesitant around me, as if I'm going to break or something. Don't get me wrong, I still have to nag and nag for him to do something for me, and he's been spared midnight runs to satisfy cravings, as I really haven't had any. The poor guys has had to deal with unbearable amounts of gas though, as I hate to admit that that is one symptom of this pregnancy that neither one of us can deal with.
The next section is a bit sensitive and I've never written about this before, so feel free to skip this section:
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This post seems to be all over the place, some update, some sadness and some frustration. I guess that's all part of being pregnant.
On Wednesday I'm going to see my new OB. I finally got an appointment and I'm not sure if I'll like this doctor. I've read mixed reviews for him online and I worry whether he will respect my birth plan, or whether he'll push his agenda. I guess I'll find out soon enough.
OK...enough whining. Must reheat dinner as Freddie will be home soon.
Wishing you all the happiness possible in 2012 - and Thank You for sticking with me through all my ups and downs!
I hope that you all had a wonderful Christmas and a great New Year!!
I wish that I could say that mine was great, but my now infamous aunt, caused more drama at our special Christmas Eve dinner and effectively ruined it. Oddly, I had gone to confession and decided to make a very conscious effort to have a NICE dinner and a great holiday this year and to NOT react to any of my aunt's poking and prodding. This is the last Christmas that Freddie and I are 'alone', as next year we'll have a little one with us. I had expected that my aunt and grandma would fuss over me a little bit or be excited about the baby, but that was not meant to be. Dinner was strained, filled with many awkward pauses and silence. We tried to fill the dead air as much as possible with the kind of small talk that I normally hate. I did well, not reacting to any of my aunt's 'baits' and comments and I was proud of myself. After the meal, I was in a lot of pain from sitting at the table and suggested that we move to the couch and spend some time around the tree - and that's when it all fell apart. My aunt just got up abruptly and started getting dressed to leave. I asked what was going on and she declared that she was not going to be exchanging gifts [as she declares each year]. To be clear, my aunt has never been happy with any gift she has ever received - she was born a complainer and has never enjoyed anything. She has not wanted to do gifts for years, and for years she hasn't brought gifts [including birthdays], but we continue to buy small tokens of Christmas for all of us - this year's 'gift' was a $2.00 box of ornaments for each person bought at last year's Boxing Day sale. It's not the amount, but simply the spirit of the Holiday. Anyway, my mom had gone upstairs to write a card and I asked my aunt to at least wait until she came down. As my mom came down the stairs, my aunt was out the door followed by her son and my grandma. Only grandma managed to say 'Bye' over her shoulder, while the other two offered no 'Thank You for dinner', 'Goodbye' or I daresay "Wow, nice place" - as my mom had just moved and this was their first visit to her new home. Nothing. I was stunned. I was so upset I could feel my entire body shaking and the tears came - what the heck was that? Why do we bother getting together as a family at all?? Honestly, if someone else had refused a nominal gift and left midway from our annual Christmas celebration I'd be offended - and I was! It was a record: one hour and twenty two minutes of Christmas. We were all stunned. Freddie and my mom comforted me and reminded me that next year we'll have our own Christmas with a new baby. Oddly, there was not even the mention of the baby, or how much I've grown...nothing. I don't know why I bother letting this same person hurt me over and over again - why am I stupid and naive enough to hope for a nice family gathering? Freddie keeps telling me that the definition of Insanity is expecting a different result time and time again, and I think he's right, I am the insane one, hoping and praying for a different family gathering. I really should learn to lower my expectations and simply be surprised should an actual dinner go well.
The next day, since my mom now lives 3 streets over, we invited her over for breakfast and we all went to church together. The service was lovely and I could feel the tears well up when the priest talked about what Christmas means to us as a community, as a family and as individuals. Yup, that close sense of family was nonexistant for me and it really saddened me. After church, we went home to relax then headed over to Freddie's parents, where no family gathering is made out into a huge celebration - what I mean is, we were greeted by my FIL in his jogging pants and sweatshirt, MIL in an 'everyday' outfit, and the rest of the gang in jeans and sometimes ripped socks. I mean at our place, this is the time to dress up and put on your best outfit - clearly, not the case here. We had appetizers then did a small gift exchange. Freddie and I didn't expect anything as we were given a cheque prior to the holidays [their tradition is that his mom gives everyone money, everyone buys their own gift and returns it to her, then she wraps and you get it at Christmas]. Our cheque was reserved for baby items...so we didn't expect anything. But under the tree were two stockings and a cloth bag full of baby outfits, blankets, hats, etc. Apparently, my MIL had gone and bought all these items at a second hand store, which I loved!!! I was actually worried that she had gone out and spent a small fortune on this baby stash, so learning that these were inexpensive items helped. We were so touched!! Oddly, this was such a contrast to the 'family' experience the night before!!
I was happy to see Sammy's ornament on both my in-laws' tree and on my mom's. Often I'd look at the ornament on our tree and think about what could have been... what should have been... how Sammy should have been 9 months old and this should have been his first Christmas... A happy Christmas and the celebration of Christ's birth saddened me as I thought that while we celebrate the entrance of one baby into the world, my baby wasn't here...
Oddly, I thought about the fact that I should have gotten Sammy a stocking to put up with the two that Freddie and I had. It was a total fluke that my MIL had put the baby clothes into two identical stockings - so one will be for Sammy and one for the new baby. I'm hoping that next year, we will write small notes to Sammy and date them. I'm hoping that over the years, as I read our wishes to our child, it will somehow keep him closer to me at Christmas. I miss my child so much, especially at family gatherings where we should have a high chair between Freddie and I, we should hear happy gurgling and baby noises... instead I end up rubbing my belly and praying that this second baby will be a 'take home' baby. I'm not naive enough to think that since I'm in my 30th week now that we're in the 'safe' zone, as I simply don't think there is one. I pray and hope that we'll have a baby soon... and I pray that Sammy always knows how much we love and miss him. I'd hate to think that our angel would be upset or jealous of this new life...
The rest of the break was spent with Freddie relaxing and enjoying our time together. Many an evening I would lay on the couch beside Freddie, with our two cats curled up on my belly, while "thumper" would kick, probably telling them that s/he needed more room. I love when Freddie puts his hand on my belly and feels 'thumper' kicking - I'm a little sad that he can't experience the movements the way I can. Sometimes I feel a little distance between us, as I seem to be on the 'pregnancy journey' alone - after all, it's my body going through all these changes, it's my mind wondering who our child will grow up to be, it's my body dealing with the increased pain as my belly expands. Freddie's life hasn't changed that much - but mine has. Freddie often tells me he loves me, but he seems hesitant around me, as if I'm going to break or something. Don't get me wrong, I still have to nag and nag for him to do something for me, and he's been spared midnight runs to satisfy cravings, as I really haven't had any. The poor guys has had to deal with unbearable amounts of gas though, as I hate to admit that that is one symptom of this pregnancy that neither one of us can deal with.
The next section is a bit sensitive and I've never written about this before, so feel free to skip this section:
************************************************
***************************************************************
This post seems to be all over the place, some update, some sadness and some frustration. I guess that's all part of being pregnant.
On Wednesday I'm going to see my new OB. I finally got an appointment and I'm not sure if I'll like this doctor. I've read mixed reviews for him online and I worry whether he will respect my birth plan, or whether he'll push his agenda. I guess I'll find out soon enough.
OK...enough whining. Must reheat dinner as Freddie will be home soon.
Wishing you all the happiness possible in 2012 - and Thank You for sticking with me through all my ups and downs!
Today, I was thinking about this blog and about the fact that I just don't have time to write lately. I've been consumed with my mom's move, dealing with all the bills and finances [as we are financing the move], my medical stuff, my disability, work worries, etc. And that doesn't even begin to cover my overwhelmed state regarding Christmas - I've only done my cards and NOTHING else.
With all this going on, this blog as well as my diary, has sort of fallen by the wayside ~ and I was reminded of this today when I logged on to see that I had lost a reader. When there are only 31 of you, a loss of one is felt. And I don't blame this person - I just haven't really blogged lately. So I started by catching up on reading some of my blogs, and I was struck by the following words from a blogging friend and fellow BLM, Alissa, over at "On KK's Butterfly Wings", who was reflecting on her 30th birthday:
"We are now the mothers of rainbows. We are the mothers of non-profits. We are the
mothers of memorial events. We are the mothers of blogs. We are the mothers of
memorial and remembrance items. We are the mothers of support groups. And as
we all know, we wouldn't be the mothers of any of that without our babies and the
time that has passed since we said good-bye."
Time is a funny thing. Time can heal. Time can ease the pain. Time can allow me to move forward ~ but time can also make my memories fuzzy. Time can let me focus on today and let yesterday 'slip' away from me. And Time keeps moving forward, whether I want it to or not.
I started thinking about Time today and where I was last year. Last year, I was raw. I was hurting. I was angry. I hated Time. I hated the fact that Sammy wasn't with us. The thought of our sweet babe missing or needing me and being so far away broke my heart [it still does], and it drove me to include Sammy in all I did. Even last year's cards were signed "Joanna * Freddie", with the star being my own way of including Sammy in our lives. No one knew that the little star I made wasn't a Christmas star or simply a fancy ampersand - only I knew that the little star was our baby. I felt proud of finding a way to include Sammy in our cards, even if no one besides me knew...
...and then Time changed everything. With Time, we slowly moved forward. With Time, my rawness scabbed over and scarred. With Time, my anger lessened and turned into pleading and prayers asking God to take care of Sammy and to tell him how much we love and miss him each day. With Time, that sharp, stabbing pain that takes your breath away slowly gave way to a dull ache. Someone told me today that I looked happy, with Time. But today, I find myself thinking of the cards that I signed this year, and I'm ashamed that with Time, I signed them "Joanna & Freddie". How could I allow Time to dull my memory? How could I allow Time to cause me to forget to include Sammy in this year's festivities? How could I let Time focus on the future and the baby to come, and not honour the memory of our sweet Sammy?
The one thing that Time can't change are the hot tears that fall down my face as I miss my child, and as I'm ashamed that I forgot to include him in our card. Time can be a blessing, but it can also be a curse. Will more Time make me forget more? Will more Time diminish Sammy's importance in our lives? With Time, will we focus on the child we have with us, instead of the one we ache for?
Last year, I wanted Time to speed up to and get as far away from all the pain and hurt, hoping to get to a place of some peace... but with Time, I want to go back. I want to have thoughts of Sammy with every breath, instead of a few times a day. In 10 years, will I be one of those women who never speak or acknowledge the child they lost? I hope and pray that Time won't rob me that way.
How fitting that I get back to blogging on the Feast of the Holy Innocents. I've started looking at some devotionals and daily prayers on line - this is one of the ones that I like: http://www.americancatholic.org/Features/SaintofDay/
Christmas went better than expected. On Christmas Eve, we had a really nice dinner at my mom's, and the family behaved themselves for the most part. My aunt was reasonably tolerable - I must let you know that recently I have not gotten along with this woman. She prides herself on being the etiquette expert and never fails to tell any of us what to do or how to do it, and when we get annoyed with her, she plays the "respect your elders" card. She also prides herself on being a devout Catholic and standing up for the Church's teachings. I've been upset with her because when our angel left, she never said a word to us about it or even acknowledged our child's life. As a "good Catholic", you'd think that she would recognize that our baby was a real entity and child of God from conception, but instead silence. My mom, on the other hand, was really touched when she opened up her gift and among them was a small ornament to commemorate our sweet angel. Her eyes welled up and I was really touched. She hung the ornament promptly and I was happy to see this gesture.
The next day, we went to my in-laws and it was fairly pleasant too. I must admit that I was really bored at the start and frankly a little annoyed when all the 'tweens' pulled out their phones and proceeded to play and/or text, ignoring those of us in the room. I am always annoyed by the fact that on my in-law's side, there is no distinction between Christmas and any other day. The kids were either in jeans and t-shirts, or in jogging pants. Nothing was particularly clean or pressed. Freddie's dad did impress this year - he left his jogging pants and put on "real" pants this year, so that was nice. But the rest of the clan was dressed like any other day and this bugs me, as in my house, Christmas is one of the most important holidays, next to Easter, and everyone is dressed for dinner and the festivities.
Freddie's dad was also in a funky mood and at one point and came down and shared with us that my mother in law had had a biopsy on a growth on her leg and it came back cancerous, but they are certain that they cut it all out and she is healthy and apparently cancer free. She will be monitored for the next while. So he tells us this as we are sitting on the couch, one of the adults is sleeping on the next couch over and the kids are playing games on the floor. Now Freddie's dad is notorious for lacking the ability to keep a secret, so I'm not sure if this was news that he was supposed to share or if he simply spilled the beans as always. So naturally this spoiled the dinner for Freddie and I as we were totally worried, but couldn't even say anything as we weren't sure if we were supposed to know. Oh, so stressful!
I've been praying every single day for our angel and to our angel that our angel will intercede on our behalf and ask God for another baby. Freddie and I are really working hard at another baby and sometimes I worry that I'm going to wear the poor guy out! On the bright side, I've had some cramping, I've had one instance of some mild pink spotting if you will, and so I'm so hopeful that this will be our Christmas miracle. I'm just worried that we might be disappointed again.
So far, the break has been really nice with Freddie. I feel that we are really close and on the same page. Although I'll never forget our sweet baby, I don't cry and seem as sad as before, so I know that Freddie isn't as worried as before. That doesn't mean that I'm magically better, but its just nice to have him from work and with me during the day, which definitely keeps my spirits up.
I've got a few medical appointments coming up, including seeing a surgeon to figure out next steps. I started preparing for the appointment by reading up some info and making a list of questions I should be asking. The more I read, the more scared I get of the surgery. In fact, I'm TERRIFIED of surgery. I've never had surgery before. I'm not only scared of the increased pain, but I'm deathly afraid that it might make things worse. What if I end up in more pain? What if I end up in worse shape? Or worse still, in a wheelchair? If this was a life or death issue and I had not choice but to do surgery, then it would be easier. The choice terrifies me - and then what if I decide that surgery is too risky but my disability insurer disagrees? Can they force me to have surgery? I just feel so scared right now!!! We desperately want a baby and with my age, this is the best time for us, we shouldn't wait. If by some miracle we got pregnant this month, then that would give me more time to figure out what my options are, maybe see another surgeon, or simply postpone the surgery...
I'm ready and positively thrilled at just the thought that perhaps God would grace our lives with another child, but the thought of surgery and the possibly life-altering after effects simply terrify me. I just feel scared.
I was happy to see Sammy's ornament on both my in-laws' tree and on my mom's. Often I'd look at the ornament on our tree and think about what could have been... what should have been... how Sammy should have been 9 months old and this should have been his first Christmas... A happy Christmas and the celebration of Christ's birth saddened me as I thought that while we celebrate the entrance of one baby into the world, I cant' help but think of the loss of another...
