I wish that I could say that mine was great, but my now infamous aunt, caused more drama at our special Christmas Eve dinner and effectively ruined it. Oddly, I had gone to confession and decided to make a very conscious effort to have a NICE dinner and a great holiday this year and to NOT react to any of my aunt's poking and prodding. This is the last Christmas that Freddie and I are 'alone', as next year we'll have a little one with us. I had expected that my aunt and grandma would fuss over me a little bit or be excited about the baby, but that was not meant to be. Dinner was strained, filled with many awkward pauses and silence. We tried to fill the dead air as much as possible with the kind of small talk that I normally hate. I did well, not reacting to any of my aunt's 'baits' and comments and I was proud of myself. After the meal, I was in a lot of pain from sitting at the table and suggested that we move to the couch and spend some time around the tree - and that's when it all fell apart. My aunt just got up abruptly and started getting dressed to leave. I asked what was going on and she declared that she was not going to be exchanging gifts [as she declares each year]. To be clear, my aunt has never been happy with any gift she has ever received - she was born a complainer and has never enjoyed anything. She has not wanted to do gifts for years, and for years she hasn't brought gifts [including birthdays], but we continue to buy small tokens of Christmas for all of us - this year's 'gift' was a $2.00 box of ornaments for each person bought at last year's Boxing Day sale. It's not the amount, but simply the spirit of the Holiday. Anyway, my mom had gone upstairs to write a card and I asked my aunt to at least wait until she came down. As my mom came down the stairs, my aunt was out the door followed by her son and my grandma. Only grandma managed to say 'Bye' over her shoulder, while the other two offered no 'Thank You for dinner', 'Goodbye' or I daresay "Wow, nice place" - as my mom had just moved and this was their first visit to her new home. Nothing. I was stunned. I was so upset I could feel my entire body shaking and the tears came - what the heck was that? Why do we bother getting together as a family at all?? Honestly, if someone else had refused a nominal gift and left midway from our annual Christmas celebration I'd be offended - and I was! It was a record: one hour and twenty two minutes of Christmas. We were all stunned. Freddie and my mom comforted me and reminded me that next year we'll have our own Christmas with a new baby. Oddly, there was not even the mention of the baby, or how much I've grown...nothing. I don't know why I bother letting this same person hurt me over and over again - why am I stupid and naive enough to hope for a nice family gathering? Freddie keeps telling me that the definition of Insanity is expecting a different result time and time again, and I think he's right, I am the insane one, hoping and praying for a different family gathering. I really should learn to lower my expectations and simply be surprised should an actual dinner go well.
The next day, since my mom now lives 3 streets over, we invited her over for breakfast and we all went to church together. The service was lovely and I could feel the tears well up when the priest talked about what Christmas means to us as a community, as a family and as individuals. Yup, that close sense of family was nonexistant for me and it really saddened me. After church, we went home to relax then headed over to Freddie's parents, where no family gathering is made out into a huge celebration - what I mean is, we were greeted by my FIL in his jogging pants and sweatshirt, MIL in an 'everyday' outfit, and the rest of the gang in jeans and sometimes ripped socks. I mean at our place, this is the time to dress up and put on your best outfit - clearly, not the case here. We had appetizers then did a small gift exchange. Freddie and I didn't expect anything as we were given a cheque prior to the holidays [their tradition is that his mom gives everyone money, everyone buys their own gift and returns it to her, then she wraps and you get it at Christmas]. Our cheque was reserved for baby items...so we didn't expect anything. But under the tree were two stockings and a cloth bag full of baby outfits, blankets, hats, etc. Apparently, my MIL had gone and bought all these items at a second hand store, which I loved!!! I was actually worried that she had gone out and spent a small fortune on this baby stash, so learning that these were inexpensive items helped. We were so touched!! Oddly, this was such a contrast to the 'family' experience the night before!!
I was happy to see Sammy's ornament on both my in-laws' tree and on my mom's. Often I'd look at the ornament on our tree and think about what could have been... what should have been... how Sammy should have been 9 months old and this should have been his first Christmas... A happy Christmas and the celebration of Christ's birth saddened me as I thought that while we celebrate the entrance of one baby into the world, I cant' help but think of the loss of another...Oddly, I thought about the fact that I should have gotten Sammy a stocking to put up with the two that Freddie and I had. It was a total fluke that my MIL had put the baby clothes into two identical stockings - so one will be for Sammy and one for the new baby. I'm hoping that next year, we will write small notes to Sammy and date them. I'm hoping that over the years, as I read our wishes to our child, it will somehow keep him closer to me at Christmas. I miss my child so much, especially at family gatherings where we should have a high chair between Freddie and I, we should hear happy gurgling and baby noises... instead I end up rubbing my belly and praying that this second baby will be a 'take home' baby. I'm not naive enough to think that since I'm in my 30th week now that we're in the 'safe' zone, as I simply don't think there is one. I pray and hope that we'll have a baby soon... and I pray that Sammy always knows how much we love and miss him. I'd hate to think that our angel would be upset or jealous of this new life...
The rest of the break was spent with Freddie relaxing and enjoying our time together. Many an evening I would lay on the couch beside Freddie, with our two cats curled up on my belly, while "thumper" would kick, probably telling them that s/he needed more room. I love when Freddie puts his hand on my belly and feels 'thumper' kicking - I'm a little sad that he can't experience the movements the way I can. Sometimes I feel a little distance between us, as I seem to be on the 'pregnancy journey' alone - after all, it's my body going through all these changes, it's my mind wondering who our child will grow up to be, it's my body dealing with the increased pain as my belly expands. Freddie's life hasn't changed that much - but mine has. Freddie often tells me he loves me, but he seems hesitant around me, as if I'm going to break or something. Don't get me wrong, I still have to nag and nag for him to do something for me, and he's been spared midnight runs to satisfy cravings, as I really haven't had any. The poor guys has had to deal with unbearable amounts of gas though, as I hate to admit that that is one symptom of this pregnancy that neither one of us can deal with.
The next section is a bit sensitive and I've never written about this before, so feel free to skip this section:
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This post seems to be all over the place, some update, some sadness and some frustration. I guess that's all part of being pregnant.
On Wednesday I'm going to see my new OB. I finally got an appointment and I'm not sure if I'll like this doctor. I've read mixed reviews for him online and I worry whether he will respect my birth plan, or whether he'll push his agenda. I guess I'll find out soon enough.
OK...enough whining. Must reheat dinner as Freddie will be home soon.
Wishing you all the happiness possible in 2012 - and Thank You for sticking with me through all my ups and downs!
As far as the intimacy goes I would just let it ride. I am sure that there has to be some fear of possibly hurting your baby even though nothing should happen.
ReplyDeleteAs far as your family goes I think it's time to move on and just do your own Christmas. Who needs that at Christmas. I know you want everyone to be happy and get along but sometimes it's just not possible. ((HUGS))
I think you're bang on Debby - I need to move on and focus on MY closest family and not worry about the extended clan. I really should be used to all that by now...
ReplyDeleteGirl. First, I totally hate that your aunt ruined the holiday for you and your mom Glad that your MIL, even though their family was a bit less conventional, helped make up a bit.
ReplyDeleteSecond.
I'm a little embarrassed to write this and I am SURE you know who would not appreciate me sharing, but I will to maybe relate a bit. After Matthew died, I think maybe ONE time...and I'm not even sure about that. While I was pregnant with him, there were only a couple. But after he died, MAYBE one before Luke. And then...while pregnant with Luke? Nada. Not once. Didn't want to take ANY chances...either of us. After Luke was born? Nada. Not until he was 11.5 months old!!! Because the girls were full of milk, and he was sort of weirded out about that. (Me too, honestly.) And even then, only because our RE told us to try naturally before this cycle. Soooo add that up...Since November of 2009, ONE, maybe two times. TOTAL.
Sometimes I worry that we are NOT normal. But, we talk about it. I tell him what I'm worried about and he reassures me that it really is him, not me. And it is. These guys have a lot of residual issues with losing the babies...that they just push to the side sometimes, but another pregnancy brings so much up and really freaks them out, even if they'd never be able to put that to words. You're sort of right...even though they are in it with us, it really is a solo journey for us with the pregnancy and they just feel even less in control...and that takes a toll on them overall.
Ok. enough rambling. Sending you love. Can't wait to meet Thumper soon!!
xoxo
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