Another year older, another year further behind?

You might be wondering about the title of this post, and yes, I do admit that it's confusing.  That's because I'm confused and unsettled.

From Psychology Today

Yesterday, my 37th birthday, should have been a day of celebrations, but instead it turned into a day of deep reflection for me.  I thought about where I was this year, compared to last year, and you know what?  I was no further ahead.  All day, I had this unsettled feeling linger over me, which continues today.  I started asking myself "Why am I here?", "What is the purpose of my life?", etc.  Now, let's be clear, I am NOT, nor have I ever contemplated suicide, so don't panic, this is NOT a cry for help... well, it is, but help in figuring out who I am... I'm definitely sticking around!!


Last year, on my 36th birthday, I was suffering from chronic pain, I was on sick leave, we were trying to have a baby, and I felt my life in limbo.  Now, a year later, I'm a year older, still suffering from chronic pain, still on sick leave, still trying to have a living child [as we have our Angel in heaven], and my life is still in limbo.  So what have I achieved this year?  It seems, not much.  So to admit this, for a Type A, always in control gal, is no small feat.


All my life, I had this feeling like I had been chosen by God for something bigger.  I had this notion that I had been selected to change the world, make an impact, leave my mark.  Lately, I wonder what my legacy will be - and each time I conclude that there won't be one.  Maybe this is coming from facing the realization that we may not be able to be parents, natural birth or adoptive, or perhaps this is facing the rest of my life with chronic pain that is causing these questions, I don't know.


I have always been goal driven.  I have always been in control and successful.  I was the first if my family to go to university, and then complete a Master's Degree.  Within a few years, I doubled my income and ran a department.  I had successes.  I had certificates on my office wall.  I was nominated for the Employee of the Year at our firm of 10,000 employees - twice!  I moved my mom and I out of our tiny apartment and bought a brand new condo, and paid it off within 8 years!  I travelled and saw new places and people.  I was respected in my ethnic community as a 'nice girl' and even more as a 'successful nice girl' - I was often the example of what to aspire to.  And I did it all on my own, overcoming incredible odds: being an immigrant, learning to speak English, growing up with a single mom, carrying 3 jobs throughout university to pay for it, never receiving a hand out from anyone - I did it all.  I had achieved each goal and dream which I had at that time.  And through it all was this feeling, this force that I was destined to make this world better.  


Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that things were easy.  I worked hard for all my successes.  At the age of 29, I started suffering from chronic pain, but with lots of hard work, within a year, we found a combo of meds that worked and let me continue living, skiing, scuba diving, biking, rollerblading, dancing, etc.  Within a few years, I found Freddie, we fell in love and got married.  Things were finally in place, all the pieces were there....till now.

From Insight Media Centres

My life is different now.  My life is filled with difficulty, pain, inability to do the things I enjoy, I feel 'different' from my friends, I don't think they understand my pain, both physical and emotional.  I am no longer a career woman, I am simply a 'disabled housewife' - what I mean by that is that I do the best I can to run our home, and that's it.  I'm not working and it seems that this may be a permanent thing.  My disability insurer wants me to apply to our federal disability program and I pray that I'm approved, as I can't see me going back to work with the pain which skyrockets when I'm more active, or simply stand/sit/walk for more than 20 minutes.  My career successes are over.  Even if I am somehow able to get back to work, I won't be able to make the choices that I want, they will be choices that are suitable for my disability.  My ability to have fun has also diminished - I can't ski, bike, rollerblade, dance, jog,  etc.  I used to love weddings - now they fill me with fear, as I know there will be sitting, standing and dancing, all of which are excruciating.  I used to strive towards things - a raise, an advancement, a dream vacation, etc.  I have no goals now.  I don't contribute to society in any meaningful way.  I can't volunteer.  I can't even really plan an activity as I don't know how I'll feel. 


I support Freddie as much as I can, and I know he loves me - but he doesn't need me.  Sometimes, I not only feel worthless and useless, but I also feel like I'm holding him back.  I've thought about how his life might look if he was single - he could meet and marry someone who is fertile, he would have a travel buddy once again [I mean we backpacked through Japan!], someone who is much more social and outgoing, simply, he'd have more fun.  But  I know that he chose me and chooses to stay, and I'm thankful for him each day.


I just can't shake this feeling that I have no purpose. No legacy. No reason for being here.  I don't feel chosen or special, I now feel like I was stupid and naive to think that I could make any great mark on this world.  I feel embarrassed to talk about my disability.  I'm embarrassed when people ask me what I do and I have to admit that I don't work.  I'm ashamed of being a drain on society.  I know that I still bring in an income through my work disability pension, but I don't feel like it's money I've earned.  I feel stuck in the same place for the last 12 months.  I have not moved forward.  I haven't achieved anything.  Instead, I'm hoping and praying to be approved for permanent disability - I don't know what I'll do if I'm not.  I can't go back to work, but we can't afford for me to stay at home with no paycheque.


I hate the fact that I'm not fun anymore. I don't enjoy much these days, and to be honest, on a good day, I'm worried that someone from work will see me and think that I don't look disabled.  On a good day, when my pain is under control and I can walk with ease, I feel guilty, that if I can take a walk, I should be able to pull an eight hour shift.  I know how perception can play a role - I'm young and people can't see pain.


I'm so unsettled. I'm a planner, but everything is in limbo.  Will my pension be approved?  Will we have an income? If I have no income, can we afford for me to be a stay-at-home mom?  Will we even be able to have kids?  What if we can't?  What if we can't adopt because of my disability or due to the fact that I take narcotics to manage the pain?  How did I get to this point?  If I'm no longer a contributing member of society, WHO AM I?  WHY AM I HERE?

From Living Stingy

I used to be a success at life - now I feel like a failure.  I've failed to work. I've failed to conceive.  I've failed to be a good friend.  I've failed to be 'connected'.  I simply feel like I've failed in so many ways...


I'm sorry to ramble, I just needed to get it out.  Have you ever felt like this?  Do you think this is the frustration with infertility?  Frustration with what looks like a pain filled future?  Maybe both?  If you ever dealt with anything like this, how did you handle it?  Were you able to find some purpose?  How do I get over this nagging feeling?

Happy Birthday to ME!

From: MakeAMemory.com

Well, it's my birthday today! So, Happy Birthday to ME!


The forecast for the weekend was rain, rain and more rain.  But we were spared yesterday and actually had a really gorgeous day.  In the evening, Freddie and I went for a lovely walk around a local pond.  It had been a long while since I had done anything 'normal', due to the chronic pain, and although I was IN PAIN, I figured that I'm in pain regardless of what I do, so I might as well try to have a little fun.  I was dying by the time we got to the car, but I also felt a sense of accomplishment.


This morning, my 37th Birthday, I woke up to a lovely sunny day - but now its overcast, but not raining!  And my gift arrived just after I woke up.  I had just torn open another pregnancy test, when I felt that familiar feeling, you know the one, when you know that AF is here - so I guess the fat lady has sung...there was no point in taking the test.  I put it back in the packaging, put on my best face and thought about the bottle of chilean Malbec that friends brought over last night. 


 It was hard to tell Freddie, as his face fell in disappointment - I tried to cover mine up as much as possible, as the last few days of ups and downs got me to the point where I wanted to know definitively one way or the other and just get on with life, instead of hoping each morning and having my emotions hang on some stupid test result.  But I was soooo disappointed.  I was so sure that my body was giving me signs and I just feel let down by my own body.  It's sending me mixed and confusing signals.


Well, let's hope that next month is better for us.  I may even get the free monitoring done at the clinic to make sure that I'm ovulating when I think I am.  I guess I can have a few birthday drinks tonight - what a Birthday!

It's not looking good

I was hopeful this month, really hopeful.  But today I'm a bit 'blue'.  

You see, this is our first Clomid cycle and I had all sorts of weird symptoms.  My abdomen swelled up so much that I looked 3 months pregnant, so I took it as a sign that the drugs are working, right?  A few days after ovulation, my breasts were so sore that I was sure something was happening.  When my temp spiked up to 98.2 and stayed up there, we got excited.  Even though I took three pregnancy tests and found 2 negative, I was sure that I saw the faintest of lines on the first one...I know, logically, if that was true, the line should be getting darker, but I'm throwing logic out and going back to hope and prayer.  But today, my temp dropped to 97.7 and I'm trying to still be optimistic, remembering that another BLM posted she also had a temp drop before a BFP.  So I guess I keep hoping and praying 'till the 'fat lady sings'....so here is to keeping the faith.  It's day 28 today, and with my birthday on Monday, I would love to get this special 'gift'... I guess we'll know one way or another.

The other piece of upsetting news is that there is a chance that the state of my health could be a block to adoption and fostering.  It seems that I would need to declare that to my disability insurer and they may choose to continue my benefits or not...it also seems that my required physical for the Children's Aid Society could also be problematic.  So frustrating!

Seeing as we have a long weekend here in Canada, maybe Freddie will take me out of town for a change of pace, change of scenery and maybe I'll pick up a new perspective!!

Please keep me in your prayers - I could really use them!

I never thought...

that our scaredy-cat would venture out into the big world.  Boy, did we have a crazy night!  Allow me to backtrack...


Last year, we started seeing a young, thin kitty hanging around our backyard.  I started feeding her and with time, she would come into the house to play.  She was always so very nervous and scared of everything!  When I saw that we had a large racoon living under the deck, I swooped in and brought the kitty indoors - we named her Peanut.  That was November 2009.  Since then, she is very affectionate, but completely scared of her own shadow!  She hates going outside unless the patio door is open wide so she can come back into the house and if one of us is outside with her.  I can easily leave the door open and do some gardening with no fear that she will roam onto the deck on her own.


Over the last few nights, I again have noticed another young cat roaming our yard and have begun to feed it.  This new cat is very confident, comes right into the house to play, while Peanut hides.  On one occasion Peanut ran onto the deck after the other cat to chase her off, but as soon as I called her, she bolted into the house.  That's why last night was so strange...we were heading up to bed for the night and as I passed the front door I realized that I had a houseplant out there which might not do well with the cold evening, so I opened the door and brought the plant in.  As I was setting it on the floor, I noticed Peanut slowly stroll onto the porch.  No biggie.  I called her and she just stared at me as she scampered down the stairs.  I ran after her onto the driveway, in my bathrobe and slippers no less, and she darted between our cars.  The more I followed, the more she ran, as if playing some fun game of hide and seek. I lost her between our neighbour's cars.  So I ran back in to grab Freddie to help me.  We spent the next 40 minutes walking up and down our street, banging her food dish, looking under cars and peeking into neighbours yards.  Although my gut said that she'd be back, I was so worried that she might get hit by a car or attacked by a racoon or dog.  I kept hoping that the fact that she was scared of everyone and everything might keep her out of harms way.


I decided to stay up and wait, checking the front and back door, in between praying to St. Anthony and St. Francis to keep our girl safe.  I'd periodically go out and shake her treat bag or bang on her food bowl.  After another 1:30, I heard a small noise at the front door and there she was, sitting on the bottom step.  I opened the door, she looked at me, and bolted again - I lost her again!  At least I knew she was near the house.  After another 15 minutes she appeared at the back door, pressing her face against the screen door.  When I opened the screen, she was clearly ready to come home from her big two hour adventure.  She ate a bowl full of food, went to the litter box [she couldn't do that out there??], let me clean her dirty/muddy paws and hopped into bed.  Whew...I could now go to bed too.


Sadly, sleep was elusive to me as I was not only stressed, but also had had a bit of exercise walking up and down the street and squatting to look under cars for Peanut.  This morning I woke up exhausted and in a lot of pain...but this was the sight that met me:

I lover her innocent look, like saying "What did I do??"

Well worth the trouble I say :-)

Would you use a sperm donor??

It's been a miserable, rainy, weekend, which allowed Freddie and I to have a 'lazy day', just cuddling on the couch.  I also made a phone-date with an old friend of mine.  I always have mixed feelings about our chats as we don't speak on a weekly or even a monthly basis, but when we do, its a 1-2 hour chat...and I'm not that crazy about hanging on the phone for that long.  In fact, I'd rather write letters, emails, skype, whatever, but I dread these looooooooong chats.  


Anyway, this time, our chat lasted 2:45!!!  It's really nice to catch up, but lately I find that I have some difficulty in being supportive to my friend, as I simply don't agree with her life choices.  Now, I'll preface this right off the bat by saying that I keep my opinion to myself, as sharing my views with her will only have a negative impact on our friendship.  So I bite my tongue, try to be as supportive as I can...and I keep biting my tongue.


My friend is in her 40's now, single and desperately wants a baby.  In her younger years, she focused more on her career and not on a family, but lately that has switched.  She has always done what worked for her, at times with little regard for others...like the time she had a relationship with a man old enough to be her father, who she knew was still living with his wife for the sake of his son [ big eye roll here, ugh!].  She works as a freelance consultant, so her work and income are not steady, and she has no private insurance - now, you may be thinking "But I thought Canada has free healthcare??", well, we do, in the sense that our doctor's visits are covered, as well as hospital treatment and stays, but our plan does not cover certain things like medications, fertility treatments, plastic surgery [unless necessary], etc.  So she is looking to not only fund her fertility treatments, which is not easy, but also pay for a private plan while pregnant in the event that something goes wrong.


Now, my friend is not overly religious and definitely has a different view on the world.  She wants to experience having a baby of her own and so is insisting on going through IUI and possibly IVF on her own.  As you can imagine, I have some strong feeling about this and the use of a sperm donor, and frankly it has nothing to do with religion.  Being raised by a single mom, I know what it's like to grow up without a dad around and I would never deliberately choose this option for my child.  I just feel that there are so many children in our foster care system who need a family or those in our Childrens' Aid Society who are hoping for an adoptive family, why not make that a priority?  Maybe my perspective is unique as I grew up without a dad, and although I had a wonderfully strong mother, who had the strength to leave an abusive alcoholic, it was only when I was dating and older that I understood how many issues I had with trusting men, believing that they really loved me and that they would stay when times got tough, as that had not been my experience in the past. Not to mention that my entire childhood was a financial struggle, not being able to be involved in hobbies or sports like other kids, as a teen having to take on part time work to help support the two of us and in general having to grow up way too fast.  Looking back I really feel like I didn't have much of a childhood - I had to take on tasks and decisions, as well as simply be aware of situations that were more adult than I was and I don't think it's fair to do that to a child.

Compliments of theNewsChronicle

So I feel that it is very selfish of my friend to deliberately bring a child into this world which will be condemned to a life with a single parent.  I feel that it is more advantageous to take a child already in this world, who has no parents or family to raise him/her, and improve their life by becoming their parent.  As parents, we do what is best for our children, not necessarily what we want or need.  


Now here are some other issues that I see coming down the line:
-you may be able to  help a child understand how they came into this world, but what will happen when this child turns 18 and fully understands the repercussions of his/her mother's decision?  Knowing that their mother was so selfish that she didn't consider what kind of life this child would have?
-my friend is using a sperm donor, who apparently is very popular.  She has no idea how many successful pregnancies this donor has had, so how exactly is she going to ensure that her future child will not date/marry a genetic sibling?  How do you even broach this subject, or even when do you talk about it in the dating cycle??  Will this child look into each face wondering if they are genetically related?
-I realize that these days sperm donors are required to provide a complete medical history, but who is to say that this guy is telling the truth?  What if this child will have more questions?  What if this child want to meet this donor?
-what if she has a special needs child? Does she have any clue what she is setting herself up for on her own?

Compliments of MomLogic

I have so many other 'what if' questions and worries for her.  I just feel that there are so many children, especially toddlers and older kids who are desperately looking for someone to love them and protect them.  Although I can completely understand her desire to know what it feels like to be pregnant and to go through the experience, I still feel that it is extremely selfish.  So when we talk and she complains how much all her fertility treatments are costing and how the few IUI's she's tried have not worked yet, I have to admit that it's hard for me to be supportive.  I know how she feels as we are also struggling to get pregnant, but we are married and are in a committed relationship, we have a stable income and good health insurance.  I also understand that she doesn't want to have a child with someone just for the sake of having a child, as then that person will always have a say in their upbringing, but I just honestly don't think that she should be having a baby alone!!!


Now, I've NEVER told her this.  I've been loving and supportive, and in fact, last night she was saying that another good friend had some of these concerns and shared them with her and my friend felt that nobody had a right to comment on her life unless they've walked a mile in her shoes - and I agree, however, there are other points of view that should be considered.  So I just told my friend that the role of all of us as her friends, is to be supportive and loving and keep our opinions to ourselves, as opposing views will only cause discourse in our friendship, and although I truly believe this, I also feel so sorry for this child already, even though she isn't even pregnant.


I'll keep her in my prayers that although she is not very religious, that perhaps God will move her heart towards adoption and encourage her to become an adoptive mother to a needy child, that she will look further at the repercussions of her actions and do what is best in the long run for her child, and not for herself.


Have you ever been in a position like mine, where you are supporting someone who you feel is acting a bit irresponsibly and selfishly?

Letter to God

As part of my Bible Study, I was asked to write a letter to God.  At first, this seemed a little daunting, but when I stopped to think about it, it just seemed that I would compile all the things that I offer up in my nightly prayers, how I ask the Lord each night to take care of our child and to make sure that he knows how much we love and miss him and can't wait to be all together once again.  You'll note that I use the male form to refer to our baby and that is not based on knowing the gender, but just a feeling I had about our sweet bundle of joy.  Upon further reflection, I decided to share my letter here:

Dear God,

Thank you so very much for blessing us with *****.  I will be forever grateful that you answered our prayers and chose us to be *****’s parents, giving us such a precious gift.

I find it so hard, Lord, to have to give this ‘gift’ back to you for safe-keeping.  The thing that hurts me the most is that ***** died and isn’t here with us.  We were a family for a moment and now we are a couple once again.  Our child made us a family, but ***** can’t be with us.  We had wanted ***** so much, that at times our baby fades from my memory and seems to be a lovely dream. I have to remember that ***** was real, that ***** was here, that ***** was alive for 10 weeks and 2 days.  And now, Lord, ***** is with you and you get to be with *****, but we don’t.  We are alone Lord, missing our child.

Some of the things that I miss doing with my baby are the simple things: seeing what ***** looked like, searching for those resemblances from our families, discovering *****’s personality, and even simpler things like just holding/cuddling or even just smelling that baby scent.  I wish I could hold our baby and take care of ***** – I think of bath times or walks in a stroller, watching Freddie hold his child and seeing that loving pride in his eyes.  We’ll never know who ***** would have grown up to be. Would he be tall like my side of the family?  Would he have Freddie’s happy disposition?  Would he inherit my love of nature and his grandma’s care and empathy?  Would he be a wild child or a proud academic?  Would he have married and had kids of his own?  Would he have grown up to be a caring man who would make us proud?  I’m already proud of our angel - I just miss being *****’s mom.

If I could talk to *****, I’d say what I pray for each night, that ***** is safe, that ***** knows how much we love him, miss him and wish that he was with us each day.  A day doesn’t go by Lord, that I don’t miss our child.  I guess the most important thing that I want ***** to know is how much he was loved & wanted, more than anything we’d ever wanted before.

I am looking forward to being reunited with my baby in heaven someday.  I know that I’ll finally be at peace, be able to understand why it had to be this way.  I’ll finally be together with our baby, instead of being so far apart.  Our little family will be reunited and we will be giddy with happiness.  I’ll be complete and whole once again.

I’m not sure what I need right now, Lord.  I do know that I keep searching for some small sign that ***** is OK.  I keep hoping for a dream where I can visualize our baby, even a small glimpse would do.  I do need strength to keep going, to live for today and enjoy what I do have around me.  I also need peace of mind as I worry that as I find comfort in you Lord, I worry that I’m forgetting ***** or that *****’s memory will be lost if You chose to bless us with another child.  I need to release myself from this guilt of being a bad mom and not keeping my love exclusively for *****, that somehow by loving another child my love for ***** lessens… or that another child will somehow replace our precious first born or even refocus our attention.  I need your help Lord, to ensure that no matter what the future holds, that ***** is always loved, always in my heart and always at the forefront of my thoughts.

We can’t take care of ***** Lord, he is completely in your care.  Please take good care of our baby.  Tell him how much he was wanted and loved by both of us.  Tell him how much we miss him and always will.  Just love him – I hope that he can feel our love and that he isn’t lonely.  I know that a lifetime for us on earth, will be but a moment for ***** and I’m so glad that he won’t suffer without us.

Please hug and kiss ***** for us – I can’t wait to see him and be with you both.  With love always,

I have another label!

Compliments of Grit & Grace from the Journey of a Dreamer

Yes, I'm all about labels and am collecting them in droves lately, whether I want them or not!  You might recall that some of my labels already include:
Mother to an angel
Unexplained infertility
Chronic Pain Sufferer
Multiple herniated discs
Fibromyalgia patient


and now.... Sufferer of a pinched rotator cuff!


Wow, I love collecting things, but NOT labels!


I have neck and shoulder pain often as part of my "normal" state of being.  On Monday, my shoulder was hurting and aching, Tuesday as well.  On Wednesday, I had to lay on my stomach to get my acupuncture done and my shoulder was throbbing and my hand and arm went numb upto my elbow.  I pointed this out to my therapist and she asked me to raise my hand up, lower it, push against her in various directions and then she gave me another label.  Great!  This obviously won't kill me, but I need to take it easy, ice it and hopefully it will loosen up on its own.  


The crappy part, from what I've read, is that this can be a recurrent issue that I may have to deal with on and off.  Also, the fact that my mom has pain in the same shoulder also scares me a bit, that perhaps this is also a hereditary 'weakness' if you will.  My mom is at the point that trigger point injections don't help much.  It's all scary to me as I seem to have many of my mom's illnesses, but about 15 years before hers developed!  I worry what I will look/feel like in 20 years, but I also worry whether I will pass on these nasties to any future children.  So much worrying....


...And I'm clearly well into the 2ww.  This was our FIRST Clomid cycle!  I was fine while taking the meds, but at ovulation time my abdomen swelled up so much that I already looked 3 months pregnant [I wish!] and gained about 8lbs in water weight.  A few days before and after ovulation, my lower abdomen around the ovaries was so painful I had trouble sitting down, sneezing or heaven forbid passing gas...yes, I know TMI... this calmed down a few days later and now I just get the occasional twinge. My stomach swelling is almost gone and I've lost 5lbs in water weight already, the rest I'm sure is chocolate and cookie weight!   I'm on day 20 today and can't wait to test - I pray each night and am so hopeful that Clomid was the answer to our problems.


Have you had any strange symptoms while on Clomid?  Did it work for you?

Mother's Day Aftermath

Compliments of Mei Generis

Well, it's all over, whew!  
I didn't think I would really care that much about it, I mean it's just another day.  But I was wrong, it hurt and stung a bit.


Last week, I almost forgot about the International Baby Loss Mother's Day, and although I applaud the efforts of this group to bring awareness, I also didn't feel that I needed a different Mother's Day than the rest of the world.  I want to be acknowledged as a mom with all the other mothers - I don't want to be an outcast who then creates her own holiday...does this make sense?  I just want to be part of the "Mom In-crowd", that's all.


So it was the 'real' Mother's Day this weekend.  I prepared by getting cards for my Mom, my MIL, my grandma and my 'favourite' aunt - since my grandma is currently living with my aunt, I felt obliged to get her a card as well.  If you remember from previous posts, although my aunt is my mom's only sister and my godmother, we can never seem to get along, as demonstrated in one of our exchanges here.  Although I didn't feel that my aunt remotely deserved a card, I thought that I would be the bigger person and get one anyway, but I do admit that finding the right card was hard, as all the 'aunt' cards were thankful for a wonderful person or someone who has impacted my life, neither of which my aunt has been to me, so I settled on a generic "Wishing you a happy Mother's Day".  Next, we went to Costco to get flowers, as I traditionally buy potted plants for the front stoops for my mom and MIL. While there, I picked up some geraniums for my aunt and grandma, and we bought cut tulips for me, for Mother's Day.  I had hoped that Freddie would remember and get me a card and acknowledge me as a Mother, but the poor guy has been sick with a nasty cold since the middle of last week.  In fact, he came home early on Friday and spent the rest of the day in bed.  Although he came with me to Costco, his head was spinning and he had a fever, so we made the trip short and I knew that he hadn't had time to buy me flowers or a card, so I picked out the tulips myself.


The next day, I was a little sad, but I went on with my day.  I went on my own to my MIL's to drop off her gift as Freddie still had a fever and was going to spend the day in bed.  As I was leaving, she said "Well thanks for coming and Happy Mother's Day to...", at which point I actually thought she might say 'to you', but instead I heard "to your mom".  I gulped, swallowed, held back a tear and said Thank you.  I picked up my mom and we went to church, where on this Sunday we had the parish's First Communion.  It was so nice to see the young girls in their white gowns and the boys in suits.  At the start of the mass, the priest asked us to remember our mothers today: those that were in church with us today, those who were unable to join us today and those that have already passed on - I felt my eyes well up and I put my head down so that the tears wouldn't roll.  I just felt like the priest was acknowledging and praying for all groups of mothers, except the group I belonged to, mothers who had lost their children and in particular my situation where I have no other living children.  I had not expected to feel so excluded, so alone, so devalued.


After church, my mom and I went to visit my grandma and aunt.  My grandma was sweet, but my aunt had to throw a few little digs in, which I graciously ignored.  She was clear to tell me that she wished she had a niece [me] who was more respectful and polite and loving to her - I ignored her, as in my head I was thinking that respect and love, once lost had to be gained back and she clearly didn't get that.  My mom was a gem though, as we were leaving, she made it clear to my aunt that if grandma wasn't living there, we would not have come to see my aunt for Mother's Day at all - kind of saying 'Just be thankful that we came to honour you on Mother's Day, as your own 35 year old mooch of a son in the next room, hasn't thought fit to even get you a card'.  Although I was proud of myself for not exploding and just being polite, I was also saddened that a family outing can't be fun, it's something I need to get geared up for and during it I ask God to give me strength to get through it.


All in all, I felt like this wasn't my holiday.  The only times I felt included and celebrated were when Freddie would hold me and wipe away my tears and remind me that I AM A MOTHER, and also during my Bible Study class, where the other women, who are so incredibly compassionate, were able to related and also acknowledged me as a mother too.


I didn't say this yesterday, but I should have and so I'll say it now:
Lord, thank you for the gift of motherhood.  Although the world may not acknowledge me as a mother, I know that You know the truth.  You, who are currently taking care of my child, You who knows the truth.  Thank You also for the gift of a wonderful husband who is able to support me and pick me up on days like this.  I also want to thank You for the wonderful gift of meeting the women from the Bible Study class - it's incredible how 'strangers' can speak Your words and be reminders to me that You are always with me.  Thank You Lord for a wonderful day yesterday and for taking care of my child - please tell ***** about us and please make sure that *****knows how much we love and miss him every single day.

Happy Mother's Day to us all

A Mother’s Day Gift From God

Lord today is Mother’s Day,

but my heart is split in ...two

Half of my heart is still here,

the other with my child that is there with you.

All the lovely presents are a nice surprise

But the only thing I want most is missing,

and tears fill my eyes.

I know when you sent him Lord,

You didn’t promise how long he would stay

All you said was to love him

and treasure each and every day.

But Lord it crushed my heart,

when you called for his return.

I really feel like half a Mom,

as I ache, weep, and yearn.

But Lord tell him I Love Him

just as much as I did before.

And could you please make a window,

so he can see through heaven’s floor,

Let him see that he is missed

and thought of with each breath.

And that a Mother’s love begins before life,

and does not end with death.

So on this Mother’s Day,

The Greatest Gift

“I Give To You.”.

For Lord I know you missed him,

and you Love him too.

~ Author Unknown ~

Hopeful is spelled C-L-O-M-I-D!

Welcome back!  As you can see, I'm starting to catch up on all the things I've been meaning to post, but just didn't get around to it.


So, a few weeks ago, we had our "second opinion" appointment at the new fertility clinic.  As soon as we got into the waiting room, the feeling was really warm and welcoming.  The decor was really soothing and it looked very modern and almost upscale.  We waited maybe 2-3 minutes before being called in by Dr. M [since I already used Dr. Fertility for our previous doctor, I'm going to refer to this one as Dr. Miracle - we hope!].  Dr. M. kind of reminded me of an older surfer type, not quite a grandparent, but really nice and sweet. His office walls were pasted with more certificates and diplomas than I'd seen in my life - easily 40-50 there!  We sat down and he talked WITH us, instead of AT us.  The first thing was that he was shocked that we were referred from the other clinic, and I made it clear that WE requested this option.  Although he had all our files, he didn't want to read them but preferred to talk to us first, do our history, etc.  We talked fairly in depth about what we've been through.  He referred us to a few of his online articles.  He asked whether our cycle length varied at all and I was very frank that I vary between a 28-32 day cycle - his response was to pull up a paper he did where he looked at the rate of ovulation compared to cycle variation.  Basically, he concluded that the more you vary in the length of your cycle, the less you ovulate.  So in our case, the table indicated that with a  2-4 day variation in my cycle length, I am ovulating only 60% of the time.  In my case, he felt that I wasn't 'completely' ovulating.  What I mean is, I always thought you either ovulated or you didn't, but he said that there are degrees to ovulation and I might be ovulating a bit with/without the release of an egg.  It's only when you fully ovulate that everything works well.  So he felt that I wasn't fully ovulating.  

When I told him that Dr. F wanted me to go to IUI, his jaw dropped and he asked why?  He also thought that it was crazy to skip a few steps and go straight to ART when he didn't feel that we needed to be that aggressive. He felt that at 36, there was no rush and that egg reserves typically drop after 40.  So he made me feel like we still had plenty of time.  He looked at my reserve numbers based on my blood work and felt that I was bang on track for my age and that there were no problems [Dr. F led me to believe that I had few eggs left and IUI was needed now].  I can't remember which blood analysis this was based on, but I do remember that basically if the value was over 10 then the egg reserve was dropping - I tested at 6, which he felt was still pretty far from 10 and hence things were relatively ok.  He felt that since ovulation was the problem, we should start with meds....ironically, based on my BBT charts, this is the same conclusion that I had arrived at before the appointment, then as a way to test this new doctor I didn't announce this or show my BBT charts as I wanted to know whether he would get there on his own, and I was thrilled that he did.  I'm really confident that this guy knows what he is doing and has our best interest at heart.  Finally, he reviewed our files and medical info which was sent over from Dr. F's office.

Compliments of www.genericclomid.com

So needless to say we really liked him.  He gave me a script for Clomid after discussing both clomid and femarin [I think] and explaining the differences between them.  I asked him what we needed to do to transfer our care to his clinic as we really liked his approach and he laughed and said that since he has our files, we are part of his clinic.  The nice thing is that they have all the services as the hospital did plus better hours, free parking and a non-clinical feel.  He told me that in his clinic, only 3% of the couples have to go to IVF, as they like to solve fertility issues with 'easier' methods.  This really made me happy as I felt that we didn't have to rush to IVF right now.  He also told me that he ran a study based on the patients in his clinic only, and that in his practice the chance of twins from clomid is 5.7%.  Apparently, his clinic was one of the pioneering clinics that did trials on femarin to show that it was safe to use for infertility issues.  He also felt that we didn't need to spend $$ on our clearblue monitor, as they offer free cycle monitoring to their patients - this involves coming and getting bloodwork done and an ultrasound if needed and they can tell us exactly when we are ovulating.  

So all in all, he really made me feel comfortable and where I was so dejected and hopeless after our visits with Dr. F, I'm actually feeling really optimistic that this dream is not out of reach.  So I have my first prescription of clomid which I started last week. I have a script for a total of 6 rounds and we agreed that we would try one cycle on 'our own' and if things don't work out, next cycle we'll take advantage of their free monitoring and do the required blood work and ultrasounds to tell us when we ovulate - but I'm hoping that the ClearBlue monitor will help us this month.   So I really liked Dr. M, his approach and his common sense and encouraging way.  The nice thing is that it didn't cost us a dime. I didn't get charged for my files and Dr. M's visit was covered by our health plan, so this was time really well spent.

Today, the ClearBlue Monitor showed two bars, which means that I will ovulate within the next day or so. Typically, I thought I ovulated anywhere from CD16-22.  With the Clomid, Dr. M promised that I would ovulate between CD12-15.  And the best part is that Dr. M laughed when he said that the big O would be CD12-15 and after that I'm supposed to seduce Freddie - so Freddie keeps laughing that I have to seduce him, doctor's orders!  So it seems that we're both happier and more relaxed about the whole thing.