Making a conscious choice...

This post is about to get very personal - so you have been warned :-)
I am genuinely looking for input here, especially if you are a practicing Roman Catholic, who can offer some suggestions [although other opinions are valued as well!].

As you are aware, I am a practicing Roman Catholic, and although at time I may not agree with all the 'rules', as a practicing member of my faith, I abide by them.  So here is my dilemma - we currently have a 4.5 month old baby who is the joy of our lives, but we don't want another baby for another year or so. Simply put, I wouldn't be able to take care of a baby and deal with pregnancy symptoms [should we be lucky enough to get pregnant right away] or deal with a baby and an infant simultaneously.  There is also the little matter of my disability hearing, hopefully this winter, and I know that the issue would come up how I am able to care for one child [let alone 2] while I'm 'claiming' to be disabled and unable to hold a regular, daily job.  I would hate for the fact that I'm a mother to ruin my chances to get disability. There is also the issue that with the nasty tendonitis in both hands, they want to start a new treatment next month which is not conducive to being pregnant...and again, for disability purposes I can't refuse medical treatment because I want to get pregnant and expect to be awarded disability.  Yes, I know that it's not a fair comparison or a fair question, but I know that it will be an issue... and for personal vanity, I'd like to get back to my pre-pregnancy weight before trying for another baby [and as of today, that is only 15lbs away!!]

So, the dilemma is, knowing that we don't want a baby for at least a year, do I violate my faith and use birth control in order to have a relationship with my husband?  The natural method is not an option for me as my periods have never been regular [and I still haven't gotten my period yet].  This is really a dilemma for me, as I believe that in order to go to confession and receive absolution, you need to be repentant and want to make an effort to do better, not simply return to doing the same thing.

I feel stuck.  I certainly don't want to reject a baby should God choose to bestow us with one, as I sometimes wonder if we lost Sammy because we had used birth control right after we got married, as we didn't want kids at that point.  I am totally aware that this is God's choice as to how many and when I may have children, but for my medical/disability issues it's just not feasible right now.  Are there any other options I'm overlooking? For now, we simply don't have time or energy to enjoy each other's company, but I know that won't last forever.

Maybe I'm fretting over nothing.  We needed Clomid to get pregnant with Sophie, and it too us over a year to get pregnant with Sammy... but isn't that always the way, when you don't think it will happen, that is just might?

Confused and not sure what choice to make,

2nd Anniversary

Tomorrow, we will honour the second anniversary of Sammy's passing. How hard to believe that TWO years have gone by...and life has changed so very much in that time.

This morning, I went to mass at 7:30am, as it was a mass for Sammy.  Sophie, as if knowing that I'd be up, woke up for her morning feed at 5:30 am, instead of the regular 7-7:30am.  I made it to church before mass started and lit a candle for our sweet babe.  During mass, the intentions mentioned Sammy and I started crying.  The reading was about the lesson that we must be like little children in order to get into heaven and I couldn't help but think how lucky that Sammy was already there, living happily with our Lord and the Angels.  But I also couldn't help, that like Mary [as I was sitting right by a painting of her and the little candles that you light] although I'm honoured that God chose my child for a purpose and to be with Him, I don't necessarily have to like it.  Like Mary, I would have much preferred that the Lord spared my child this path and that our Sammy could be with us instead.  That is selfish, I know, but I'm selfish when it comes to my children.

I'll write a letter to Sammy and put it in his memory box tomorrow.  We'll also do a balloon release with Sophie and spend some quiet family time.  I won't post here tomorrow, as I think I'll spend the day in quiet reflection.

Often, I look at Sophie, and I wonder if Sammy would have looked the same.  Would they have shared a similar nose?  Similar eyes?  I often wonder if Sammy comes to visit Sophie, as she often stares over my shoulder and giggles...a few weeks ago, there was this eerie experience where we were all in bed, but I heard the mobile in her room start to play for a few seconds and stop...was it Sammy checking up on her?  I hope so...

Despite being blessed with Sophie, she doesn't completely fill the hole in my heart where Sammy should be.  I think of him each and every single day, and I pray daily that he knows how much we love him and miss him, but also that he doesn't feel this pain of separation that I do.  It's hard to fathom that I'm a mother to TWO children, but sadly no one recognizes that except for Freddie...it's like it's our little secret.

Loving and missing our angel...

How could I be jealous??

It's no secret that I've always wanted more than one child.  Having grown up as an only child, it was lonely childhood.  My mom was a single parent and my dad was a no-show in my life due to addiction.  If I didn't have cousins and close friends, once my mom is gone, I would be a very lonely girl.  I'm fairly private and don't have many friends, but the ones I do have are wonderful.  Anyway, this is why I don't want Sophie to grow up alone - I really think that growing up alone led me to be very shy, insecure and lack confidence.  I look at my cousin's three boys.  The eldest was extremely timid, shy, clingy and had no confidence whatsoever as a little boy - then they had another baby and the eldest became a big brother and acquired instant confidence at showing his little brother how everything worked.  I totally saw a change in his demeanour and personality...and that is what I want for Sophie, confidence, to be outgoing and personable, not like her mama.

We are friends with another couple, as the wife went to school with my hubby.  This couple are pretty much newlyweds, but over the last year, have lost two angels.  This is always such a tough conversation to have, but knowing that she may need info without wanting to have a full on discussion, I emailed her and disclosed our journey to Clomid and eventually a beautiful baby girl with the help of our fertility clinic.  I suggested that she make an appointment as they clearly didn't have any issues getting pregnant, but rather staying pregnant and the clinic may be able to offer some help.  We hadn't heard anything for weeks, but I kept praying for good news...and last week it came - they are expecting their rainbow in January! I was so thrilled and excited for them...but I'm ashamed to admit, I was a little bit envious.  I loved being pregnant so much and can't wait to have another bundle...just not now.  So I'm thrilled and excited for them, but each time I think of them, I can't shake this slight feeling of jealousy, and that is weird. I mean these folks deserve this wonderful news, and I don't have anything to be envious of, as my gorgeous rainbow is sleeping upstairs in her crib, surrounded by photos of her older brother...and yet that slight envy is still there.

I'm actually starting to worry that I might not have an 'off' button...we discussed two kids, but what if I want more?  I don't know if I could handle more than two kids, but I'm starting to feel the urge for a large family...we'll see what is in God's plan for us... but in the meantime, I feel like I am sinning with my envy...and trust me, I thank the good Lord daily for our rainbow and for our angel...

It's crazy how time flies...

It feels, as if I just blinked, and Sophie is coming up on 4 months.  I'd love to slow down time so I could enjoy all these precious moments more and more, but time moves on its own pace is not concerned with my 'wants'...remember how much I prayed for time to speed up after Sammy's loss, so I wouldn't feel all that pain?  Needless to say, time moved at its own pace, unconcerned with my pain or happiness.


Often, while I'm feeding Sophie, I look into those gorgeous blue eyes, those pink lips puckered up while she eats, the hands that caress my breast or absent-mindedly grab my finer and squeeze...and I think of Sammy.  I think of what life would have been like with a toddler and a newborn.  I wonder if I would have cherished all these quiet moments with Sophie, knowing what I lost with Sammy.  And sometimes, I wonder if Sammy is there, as Sophie stares over my shoulder and starts to laugh for no reason - I'd like to think that our sweet boy visits his little sister and entertains her.


She is totally into grabbing things and putting them in her mouth, drooling A LOT, cooing and smiling.  Her newest talent is laughing so whole-heartedly that it melts my heart...it is the sweetest sound!  She rolled over twice in one day, but nothing since.  All in all, she is a very happy and easy going girl, and we usually don't have any issues with feeding or bedtime, etc.


Things for me aren't easy.  Sophie doesn't nap during the day, but wants to be entertained ALL the time.  For me, with all my chronic pain, this is hard as I don't have much time to lie down or rest.  Luckily, my mom  comes over almost daily to give me a bit of a rest, so that is a HUGE help.  But the part that sucks is that my pregnancy Carpal Tunnel has turned into long-term tendonitis in both hands and it hurts a lot do pick up Sophie...so much that I can't always breastfeed her as I can't hold that long [not to mention that position isn't great for my back either].  I'm doing physio for this [acupuncture and ultrasound] but it doesn't seem to help. I'm told that if this doesn't get better by my next appt at the pain clinic, I'll be referred to the appropriate specialist, but my physiotherapist tells me that the only thing that helps with this is a different type of brace - yey, as if trying to take care of a baby isn't hard enough, let's throw wrist braces into the mix!   But if they help, I'm game, as I almost dropped Sophie today - she kind of arched her back and I lost her, but luckily grabbed her with my other hand at the level of my knees.  I was so glad I caught her!  Don't want to think of what might have happened if I hadn't!


All my other worries still exist - I still don't know what is happening with my disability status after the maternity leave, but considering that my employer has decided to eliminate my job, I have nothing to go back to, if I could.  I hate having choice taken away from me!!  Freddie is still unemployed, not for lack of trying, but the job market really sucks right now.  I am greatful that he is here to help me, but cash would help a lot too!  But amidst all these problems and difficulties, Sophie remains a bright spot of joy in my life.  I can honestly say that she makes life worth living and I"m so very lucky to be her mom and have the privilege of this little angel in our lives...and another angel in heaven too!!

DRAFT

Actually, I had a pretty horrible back labour, which with my back pain was pretty bad...for 36 hours!! I lasted 15 hours without an epidural and by then it was so bad that I couldn't think straight...things were progressing really well until the epidural, then the last centimeter took hours and hours to get to - but I was relatively 'comfortable'. After 3.5 hours of pushing, I was rushed into the OR for a forcep birth, which if it failed would have turned into an immediate C-section. Things got very scary as I was 'prepped' just as for a C-section - oxygen, monitors, the whole thing. Luckily. Zofia was born via forceps relatively quickly - but this kind of birth causes a lot of damage so they were sewing me up for vaginal tears for a good 45 minutes and I had one perineal tear. Don't mean to scare you with all this, but rather let you know what could happen - for me, I had somehow not heard much about back labour and didn't know what that would feel like. I even called the hospital to ask if what I was feeling was back pain or labour [as back pain doesn't come in waves] and they didn't really know, or rather wouldn't tell me over the phone - I'm sure it's CYA mode for legal issues. So we left for the hospital, when what I now know to be contractions were 3 minutes apart and lasted for 3 minutes. My water broke as I sat on the exam table - good timing, eh?


Because my water broke for 22 hours prior to delivery, I had a fever and so did Zofia - so as a precaution they took her to the NICU for 48 hours of antibiotics, which then turned into a spinal tap [still think it was unnecessary] and 7 days of antibiotics, despite all her tests coming back normal and clear. It was very disheartening as the communication with the physicians was horrible - they didn't include us, but rather informed us once they had made a decision and acted on ot. We wanted to be part of her care, not just bystanders - I mean we ARE the parents. I was discharged on Saturday after delivering on Thursday - I could barely walk but they had a bed shortage as they schedule most C-sections for the weekend. Luckily, the NICU coordinator had a cot moved into Zofia's room, so I lived in the NICU all week, and Dave was there with us round the clock except for night time - he'd go home around midnight, do laundry, feed the cats and complete the list of things I needed for the next day [including clothes and toiletries as I thought we'd be there 2 days, not a week], then he'd be back by 8am the next day. It was a week of hell. Not the way we expected it to go, but it wasn't a 'typical' delivery.


Make sure you bring a package of nighttime pads - they only give you a limited supply, and you need the largest ones! Also, bring panties for the pads - I didn't think of that, I just had my maternity underwear which ended up being too loose as they don't have elastics. They only give you one pair of those disposable panties, so the nurses really had to scrounge to get me a second pair. Diapers - you only get 6, so bring more in case you need more...in the NICU we had an unlimited supply and even took some home. Bring a change of clothes for hubby - we brought all my stuff, and I didn't think to bring Dave's toiletries or a change of clothes for him, and he was there for 2 days before he had a chance to go home for a shower and break.

On the 4th floor, there is a Ronald McDonald room for families of patients - this was a Godsend for us during our weeklong stay. It opened up 2 weeks before we were there, so not everyone knew about it. It's totally free and so helpful. THey have 3 'hotel rooms' with beds, linens and full bathrooms with showers, so I was there each day to grab a shower. THey also have laundry facilities, so we could clean our clothes - they even have 'loaner' clothes you can wear while yours are washing. They have a fully stocked fridge, so we would go there for breakfast and lunch as it not only saved us $$, but we were sick of eating unhealthy hospital cafeteria food - yuck! They have internet and phones, which made it easier to stay in touch with everyone while we were stuck at the hospital. So if you guys end up staying longer [hope not!], you can take advantage of this.

I don't know what else to tell you Claudia. We are thrilled to have our angel home - there are some trying times, but for the most part, she eats like a champ, sleeps between 3-5 hours at a stretch, which is great...but my milk supply isn't where it needs to be so we're supplementing with formula, so I get up to pump during the night and Dave does the night time feeding with bottled breastmilk or formula, as it would just take me too long to breastfeed, then pump and express...by the time you finish it's almost time to do it all over again. BTW...if you do choose or need to supplement, the hospital uses Similac Advance formula - so if you don't want that, you might want to bring your own.

I hope I haven't painted a gory picture - we just had a difficult delivery, but they are not all like that. If you want to chat about how things went or have questions, I'd be happy to answer them - you're more than welcome to come over or to call

Yeah, it was a rough delivery - I forgot to mention that she was also turned the wrong way and that made it all the more painful too...but go in positive, hopefully all will go well and you will have a more 'standard' delivery. The nurses in L&D were awesome though, so you will be well taken care of. THe med students coming in constantly and introducing themselves are a bit annoying...one guy asked if I remembered him and I thought 'Should I??' I mean I won't ever see him again!

Don't worry about the epidural - it WILL work. It won't work if you have it administered too late, but you can always ask them to tell you before you reach the 'point of no return' and you'll be fine. I just kept telling myself that women have done this for a very long time, and that I'm not the first woman to give birth...but those women didn't have modern drugs or epidurals. I kept thinking of 'cave women' giving birth alone in the wild and worrying about wild animals finding her or the baby - compared to that, we've got a breeze  [I know...it's the power of suggestion]. Wow, that is a big baby - if you opt for a c-section, you can tell them once you get there that that is your preference...but you'll still be in labour for a while until they get you in. Just make sure that Marcus will be a good advocate for you - he should know your birth plan and should know what you would want, as you can imagine we are a little vulnerable during labour and can't think straight - so it's important that he can stand up for you. Even after delivery, my head felt like I was swimming a little bit and it helped to have Dave be the 'voice of reason'.

You only gained 20lbs? Good for you! I gained over 60, but I lost 40 by the time we left the hospital - thanks to not eating, not sleeping and stressing through the roof!! I swelled up like a balloon a few days after the delivery to the point I couldn't put my flip flops on and I couldn't even crouch down becuase my entire body was so swollen!! I still have 20-25lbs to go, but I'm obviously not even trying as I need to eat well for my milk supply and we don't always get out for a short walk as besides my back issues, 'things' are still tender...oh, the joys of childbirth!




-Sammy's flowers and butterflies
-feeling Sammy's hands on my face

Our little girl is THREE months old today!!

Somehow, time flies by so quickly these days and I can't believe that our sweet Sophie is already three months old!   After losing Sammy, I just wanted time to speed up so that the pain wouldn't be so hard and that I could get through it...but now, how I wish things would slow down.

Having Sophie with us is that 'perfect fit' that I knew Sammy would have been.  But having her here just makes me wonder what Sammy would have looked like, how our lives would be different with a toddler and an infant around...


Our lives are very busy and hectic, as you can see by this very long overdue post!  Sophie is a great sleeper, meaning that when we put her down around 10 or 11pm, she'll sleep right through till 6-8am, but the tradeoff is that she doesn't want to sleep much during the day.  If I'm lucky, she'll take a 15 minute nap or two, but that's it.  This means that I can't really do much throughout the day as we are "on" and need to occupy her.  Sophie is growing by leaps and bounds.  She is cooing more and more each day and if she could would be chatting up a storm.


I've been meaning to write down Sophie's birth story, but just haven't really had a chance to sit down and do that - and I know that with each passing day the memories get a little fuzzier.  I mean even our difficult stay in the NICU seems like a million years away now and it's so much easier to focus on the joys of today instead of dealing with the pains of the beginning.  But, as you can tell, I'm hoping that this is my comeback, my comeback to journalling [which I've also not done in over 3 months] and my comeback to blogging.


I'd love to share more photos of Sophie with you, but I hope you understand that for safety reasons, I don't plan on posting pictures of our sweetie on a public blog.  I'm sure you'll see 'snippets' like the one above of our sweet girl...


It feels good to be back - I've missed you all!  I assure you that I have been reading your blogs, even if I didn't always comment on them.  Hugs to you all!

I haven't forgotten you!

I haven't forgotten you - I promise I'm working on the birth story, to be published soon.  As you can imagine, finding time to sit and write is in short supply.  Our rainbow sleeps well, is gaining weight faster than 'normal' and has developed gorgeous chubby cheeks that I love to kiss.  I mourn our angel each day and wonder if he'd look like his sister...
I'll write soon,

She's here :-)

Hello Dear Friends,

I've been absent for a little while - for a very good reason:  our little girl arrived on March 29th, after a difficult 36 hours of back labour.  We were in the NICU for a week and just got home a week ago and are settling in...slowly.  I'll write more when I get the chance... but just wanted to share our good news for now.

Happy 1st Birthday Sammy!!!

My dear sweet Sammy,

Another year has gone by and we miss you more than ever.  There isn't a day that goes by that I don't pray for you or think about you.  I know that you asked our good Lord for a baby sibling so that we wouldn't be here alone, without you.  So THANK YOU my sweet angel... but I still wish so much that you were here, on earth, with us.  The little bear you see at the side here was sent to us by Angel Whispers and we have kept it as a memento of you - it sits by the candle that we light each night and think of you up in heaven.  The last few nights, the stars have been so bright and I often see one prominent star 'peeking' into our window and looking down on me - I can't help but wonder if that is a small message for us from heaven?


Last night, just a few minutes short of midnight, the candle started to flicker and it died almost right at midnight.  It's strange how the wick just happened to end at that particular date and time.  I figured it was fitting that we light a brand new candle for you this evening - I've selected a burgundy candle for you that has an apple cinnamon smell - we'll be lighting it for you tonight.

I often think and wonder how big you would be, would you be walking/crawling?  How many baby teeth would you have by now?  Would you be excited at the prospect of a new baby brother or sister?  Or are you excited about this new baby up in heaven?  I must admit that sometimes I worry that you might be a little jealous that your baby sibling will hopefully get to stay with us, while you are so far away - I hope and pray that isn't the case.  You know, our sweet babe, how much we love and miss you and how much we wish that you could be here with us.  I miss seeing your gorgeous blue eyes [and that is the only thing I can be sure of based on simple biology] and knowing your sweet baby smell.  How I wish that you could have kept us up for hours, or how much we could have heard your voice if even for a moment, or a second to simply hold you... I've prayed for a glimpse of you in my dreams, and even thought I sometimes dream of you, I've never seen your face.  Even that one night, months ago, where I woke up to see a fuzzy, light image floating at the foot of the bed for a moment - but I didn't see YOU.  Even though there is a new baby coming so very soon, you are always in our thoughts and our hearts.  Your baby brother/sister will know all about you and you will not be forgotten, my sweet child.  That is why I made a point of including you in our maternity photos and hope to always have you in our family portraits as well.  Even though you are not here, Sammy, you are a very special part of our family.

It's so hard for me to believe that we were expecting you two years ago!  In some ways, it seems that we lost you so long ago, and at other times it seems that it was just yesterday.  There are days when I can think of you and smile, but then there are days when I think of you and cry.  It pains me to even think that some people don't believe you were real...  we have a constant reminder of you living right next door to us - another little boy who was born a day after you, and who I know would have been a great playmate of yours.  I can't help but see you, whenever I see him... and I haven't even seen his face as I hide whenever I see his mom or dad coming, as the tears are always there as I wish you were here and not so far away.

Lent is always such a sad time for us now, much sadder than it was ever before.  Last year, your birthday fell on a gloomy and rainy day, which matched our mood perfectly.   This year, it is sunny and warm out, almost as if the weather was telling us that the darkness and gloom of last year has passed and that happy and sunny days are ahead - we hope so.  Daddy and I play on going for a walk later and I'm sure we'll be talking and thinking of you!  

If I were to think of a 'silver lining' to all of this, it is the fact that I've 'met' so many wonderful women who also share my grief, either through their blogs or through the Bible Study I did.  I'm honored and humbled to know that you will be remembered by these wonderful ladies, and I hope that you enjoy playing with their sweet babies in heaven.  I know that you are in the good hands of God and His angels, as well our relatives, including your grandpa, your great-grandparents, great aunts and uncles...so many people who love you up there!  Just know that there are also people who love you right here!

Sending you hugs and kisses my sweet baby and Happy 1st Birthday in Heaven!!

Love,

Mommy and Daddy

We're almost there!

It's so hard for me to believe that we are now in our 37th week with Thumper!  This entire pregnancy has seemingly flown by and I'm sad to see it coming to an end.  I love our 'down time' in the evening, when I finally put my swollen feet up, and Thumper moves around like crazy.  I love that feeling of the baby moving, but I wish that Freddie could experience it as well.


At today's OB appointment, my bp continues to be good. 118/74 with a heartbeat of 84 for me, and 150-170 for Thumper, which the OB called 'perfect' - which was frankly music to my ears!  I've had no bleeding, no braxton hicks [unless you count a bit of cramping] and nothing out of the ordinary.  About 2 weeks ago, I started suffering from Carpal Tunnel Syndrome, which I had no idea was part of pregnancy. My hands are so swollen that I can't sleep at night due to the pain, I can't bend my fingers which makes holding a toothbrush comical and I can't even open up my pill bottles.  My feet are also starting to swell up now and my shoes are constantly tight despite being slip ons.


Life continues unchanged.  I've applied for our federal maternity leave program and am waiting to hear if I will be approved.  IF I am approved, then my work is willing to top up the payments for 3 months, so that would be a huge help.  Freddie continues to be unemployed, despite scouring every nook and cranny for possible jobs.  It's just a bad time here and not much is even being posted.  My disability status is unchanged and I pray each night that things will get better.


March is turning out to be a month full of emotion.  Freddie's birthday is on the 13th.  Sammy's birthday would have been on the 10th, and this rainbow is due to arrive on the 25th.  It's so hard for me to imagine what my life might have looked like if Sammy was here with us - we'd have a one year old running around, getting excited at the prospect of a little brother or sister.  A few days ago, Freddie was chatting with our neighbour, who you might recall had a baby due around the same time as Sammy [and whom I've been avoiding like the plague for over a year now], well, anyway, she mentioned to Freddie that her little boy will be turning one on Sunday, the 11th.  Only one day after Sammy's due date.  I'm happy for them, but I still can't help but question why them and not us?  Why will they get to have a family party to celebrate their son, and we will celebrate in silence as noone in our family remembers the importance of these dates.  As each year passes, I feel sadder and sadder that Sammy isn't growing up with us here.


Friends of ours were kind enough to lend us a crib and others came through with other used items.  I found some  decent bedding on clearance at Winners and bought that for the freshly painted room that Freddie had done.  Now, as I sit in the nursery, I wish that Sammy could have seen it, could have slept in that crib if only for one night.  I plan on creating a few crafts to honour Sammy and have them up in the nursery, and we may find a way to honour Sammy via a middle name for Thumper.  I'm just determined that despite the entire world forgetting about Sammy, that our family won't.  That our future child/ren will remember that they have an older sibling and that Sammy's memory will live on.


Maybe that is why I still have trouble believing that Thumper will really be here.  Most of my friends can't understand why I feel this way, but I'm not naive anymore - I know that things can still go wrong at this point and that there is never a guarantee that we'll get to take Thumper home with us.  People keep saying "Boy, you must be so excited", but the honest truth is that I'm not.  I simply won't believe it until I hold this child in my arms and know that we will take him/her home with us.


So as you can see, I have days when I feel a bit better, then days that are a fair bit worse.  I still feel the weight of the world, but seeing the sunshine outside helps a lot.  Then Sammy's absence casts a dark cloud over my day... but I expect that it will always be this way.  I do ask for your prayers for a safe delivery and a healthy baby - Thank you!

A new year, a new set of problems...

A new year typically signifies hope for better things to come, for times of joy and happiness, looking forward to spring and happy times.  For us, sadly, the New Year has come in with a BANG, and not the good kind.


Last week, Freddie was thanked for his services at his job and terminated.  Just like that.  No reason, no warning, nothing.  In fact, he was told what a great employee he was, how much they liked him, blah, blah, blah...and then goodbye.  Needless to say this was shocking to both of us, and now that the 'dust has settled', we are dealing with the fallout of all this.  For me, I was livid and angry with his employer, as they are a small, family owned company which purports to care so much about their employees.  In fact, we had received some hand-made receiving blankets from the owner and his wife a few months ago when they learned we were expecting - and the Christmas bonus, which I'm sure everyone received, was a pleasant surprise too.  So now, for them to terminate Freddie when they know he had booked vacation in 8 weeks for the birth of our child, is absolutely heartless.  This isn't purely driven by finances, which they claim is the main reason, as they just moved to a brand new building that they had custom built for their needs - so its hard to reconcile what they say with what they do.


On the bright side, I'm happy to have Freddie at home to help me more, as I definitely need it!  It's also nice to see him get some well-deserved rest before 'Thumper' arrives, as I do tend to wake him up multiple times as I struggle to sleep.  And clearly, I'm happy to have him home and able to bond with our new baby in those first few days and weeks, as I was feeling a little guilty that he wouldn't be able to see all the 'firsts' that happen in that initial period - but I never wanted it to be like this.


Now, on the flip side, he had moved to this job from another position, so he had been there for less than a year, which means almost no severance [it's pretty minuscule].  This is clearly going to be a problem in terms of finances, with a baby on the way - there are always things to buy, despite buying used all along!  And to top it off, my  disability insurer is suspending my claim for disability and forcing me to go on our federal maternity leave, which only pays 55% of our wages, and has a weekly cap too.  So my disability pay, which covered 70% of my normal pay, will drop to 55% once 'Thumper' is born...it's not going to be easy with both of us earning 55% of our salaries.  My employer does have a top up program, but they are now determining if I would even qualify.  I really hope that I do, as I feel I gave them almost 12 years of my life, pulling 80 hour work weeks and asking for nothing in return, so I would hate to be penalized and excluded from this supplementary funding just because I got sick, which we only get for 4 months anyway, but at this time, every little bit helps!  We're good with money, so we are not flat broke and have some savings, but it's hard to know how long it will take to find replacement income, especially as we in an 'economically depressed' area, so I do fear that our savings will run out...   


I guess it just angers me that, that we both have done the 'right' things all along.  We both have university degrees, we have both worked hard at our careers, we have both sacrificed a lot for our employers, we have played by the rules and never strayed...this should have a predictable and stable outcome, but it doesn't.  It angers me that some lazy co-workers who don't do much but kiss butt all day are promoted or kept employed, while good employees are terminated.  I'm frustrated by the lack of fairness in this - and yes, I know life isn't fair.  I know that there are good times and bad, but lately it just seems like we've had more bad than good.  Things were wonderful, we got married and actually got to enjoy being DINKS and having some disposable income.  We paid off the wedding, neither one of us had student loans as we had multiple part time jobs each and took care of that prior to graduation, and we were planning out our futures.  Then, I got sick, I had to leave work and take disability leave.  A glimmer of hope came with our first pregnancy and then the heartbreak as our child slipped away.  Months of grief and heartache were compounded by Freddie's job which involved a lot of travel and took him all over the US, probably accounting for 40% of the time.  Another glimmer of stability when he changed jobs for less travel and closer to home - only to be terminated weeks before the birth of our first take-home baby, God willing.  With this baby, I thought things were getting better, but the stress and worry of an uncertain future is frustrating.  


Oddly, I'm not panicking...yet.  I pray a lot, I look for the positive, and I know we'll make it through this.  Life is cyclical and sometimes you're on top riding the wave, and at other times you're below the water gasping for air - that's where we are, again...but we have to start climbing the wave crest soon.  This isn't the way I had wanted things to be, but this wasn't our choice.  With God's help, we'll make it through - we have to!

Back online for 2012

I hope that you all had a wonderful Christmas and a great New Year!!



I wish that I could say that mine was great, but my now infamous aunt, caused more drama at our special Christmas Eve dinner and effectively ruined it.  Oddly, I had gone to confession and decided to make a very conscious effort to have a NICE dinner and a great holiday this year and to NOT react to any of my aunt's poking and prodding.  This is the last Christmas that Freddie and I are 'alone', as next year we'll have a little one with us.  I had expected that my aunt and grandma would fuss over me a little bit or be excited about the baby, but that was not meant to be.  Dinner was strained, filled with many awkward pauses and silence.  We tried to fill the dead air as much as possible with the kind of small talk that I normally hate.  I did well, not reacting to any of my aunt's 'baits' and comments and I was proud of myself.  After the meal, I was in a lot of pain from sitting at the table and suggested that we move to the couch and spend some time around the tree - and that's when it all fell apart.  My aunt just got up abruptly and started getting dressed to leave.  I asked what was going on and she declared that she was not going to be exchanging gifts [as she declares each year].  To be clear, my aunt has never been happy with any gift she has ever received - she was born a complainer and has never enjoyed anything.  She has not wanted to do gifts for years, and for years she hasn't brought gifts [including birthdays], but we continue to buy small tokens of Christmas for all of us - this year's 'gift' was a $2.00 box of ornaments for each person bought at last year's Boxing Day sale.  It's not the amount, but simply the spirit of the Holiday.  Anyway, my mom had gone upstairs to write a card and I asked my aunt to at least wait until she came down.  As my mom came down the stairs, my aunt was out the door followed by her son and my grandma.  Only grandma managed to say 'Bye' over her shoulder, while the other two offered no 'Thank You for dinner', 'Goodbye' or I daresay "Wow, nice place" - as my mom had just moved and this was their first visit to her new home.  Nothing.  I was stunned.  I was so upset I could feel my entire body shaking and the tears came - what the heck was that?  Why do we bother getting together as a family at all??  Honestly, if someone else had refused a nominal gift and left midway from our annual Christmas celebration I'd be offended - and I was!  It was a record: one hour and twenty two minutes of Christmas.  We were all stunned.  Freddie and my mom comforted me and reminded me that next year we'll have our own Christmas with a new baby.  Oddly, there was not even the mention of the baby, or how much I've grown...nothing.  I don't know why I bother letting this same person hurt me over and over again - why am I stupid and naive enough to hope for a nice family gathering?  Freddie keeps telling me that the definition of Insanity is expecting a different result time and time again, and I think he's right, I am the insane one, hoping and praying for a different family gathering.  I really should learn to lower my expectations and simply be surprised should an actual dinner go well.


The next day, since my mom now lives 3 streets over, we invited her over for breakfast and we all went to church together.  The service was lovely and I could feel the tears well up when the priest talked about what Christmas means to us as a community, as a family and as individuals.  Yup, that close sense of family was nonexistant for me and it really saddened me.  After church, we went home to relax then headed over to Freddie's parents, where no family gathering is made out into a huge celebration - what I mean is, we were greeted by my FIL in his jogging pants and sweatshirt, MIL in an 'everyday' outfit, and the rest of the gang in jeans and sometimes ripped socks.  I mean at our place, this is the time to dress up and put on your best outfit - clearly, not the case here.  We had appetizers then did a small gift exchange.  Freddie and I didn't expect anything as we were given a cheque prior to the holidays [their tradition is that his mom gives everyone money, everyone buys their own gift and returns it to her, then she wraps and you get it at Christmas].  Our cheque was reserved for baby items...so we didn't expect anything.  But under the tree were two stockings and a cloth bag full of baby outfits, blankets, hats, etc.  Apparently, my MIL had gone and bought all these items at a second hand store, which I loved!!!  I was actually worried that she had gone out and spent a small fortune on this baby stash, so learning that these were inexpensive items helped.  We were so touched!!  Oddly, this was such a contrast to the 'family' experience the night before!!


I was happy to see Sammy's ornament on both my in-laws' tree and on my mom's.  Often I'd look at the ornament on our tree and think about what could have been... what should have been... how Sammy should have been 9 months old and this should have been his first Christmas...  A happy Christmas and the celebration of Christ's birth saddened me as I thought that while we celebrate the entrance of one baby into the world, I cant' help but think of the loss of another...


Oddly, I thought about the fact that I should have gotten Sammy a stocking to put up with the two that Freddie and I had.  It was a total fluke that my MIL had put the baby clothes into two identical stockings - so one will be for Sammy and one for the new baby.  I'm hoping that next year, we will write small notes to Sammy and date them.  I'm hoping that over the years, as I read our wishes to our child, it will somehow keep him closer to me at Christmas.  I miss my child so much, especially at family gatherings where we should have a high chair between Freddie and I, we should hear happy gurgling and baby noises... instead I end up rubbing my belly and praying that this second baby will be a 'take home' baby.  I'm not naive enough to think that since I'm in my 30th week now that we're in the 'safe' zone, as I simply don't think there is one.  I pray and hope that we'll have a baby soon... and I pray that Sammy always knows how much we love and miss him.  I'd hate to think that our angel would be upset or jealous of this new life...


The rest of the break was spent with Freddie relaxing and enjoying our time together.  Many an evening I would lay on the couch beside Freddie, with our two cats curled up on my belly, while "thumper" would kick, probably telling them that s/he needed more room.    I love when Freddie puts his hand on my belly and feels 'thumper' kicking - I'm a little sad that he can't experience the movements the way I can.  Sometimes I feel a little distance between us, as I seem to be on the 'pregnancy journey' alone - after all, it's my body going through all these changes, it's my mind wondering who our child will grow up to be, it's my body dealing with the increased pain as my belly expands.  Freddie's life hasn't changed that much - but mine has.  Freddie often tells me he loves me, but he seems hesitant around me, as if I'm going to break or something.  Don't get me wrong, I still have to nag and nag for him to do something for me, and he's been spared midnight runs to satisfy cravings, as I really haven't had any.  The poor guys has had to deal with unbearable amounts of gas though, as I hate to admit that that is one symptom of this pregnancy that neither one of us can deal with. 


The next section is a bit sensitive and I've never written about this before, so feel free to skip this section:


************************************************

 I hate to even say this, and I don't know quite how, so I'll put it right out there - our intimacy has greatly suffered throughout this pregnancy.  Once we found out we were expecting, we were both a little hesitant, but once we were into the second trimester, I initiated things a few times and he seemed to act like he was doing me a favour by obliging.  Prior to getting pregnant, our intimacy was always with a 'purpose', as I would announce that it was a good day or it was time.  It got to a point where I don't think either of us really enjoyed our private time and quickies were the norm.  Now, it seems that we can't get back to being together for ourselves.  All the pregnancy books say that I should be having the best sex of my life while pregnant, but that isn't the case.  I realize that Freddie is concerned about hurting me or the baby - I get that.  But I just feel so rejected!  I mean I put on a nice nighty and try to initiate and I get turned down flat.  I know I'm big.  I know I'm not that attractive right now, but I never felt that way, till now.  I just worry that things may stay this way and that somehow we have lost ourselves in this entire process.  Don't get me wrong, I'm not some starved crazy woman, but I do miss and crave the intimacy that I shared with my husband.  I know he's worried about hurting the baby, I know he doesn't mean for me to feel so rejected - but I do.  I promised myself that I wouldn't push or pressure him, but again, like a fool, I slipped into a fancy bra and panties last night as we slipped into bed to watch TV.  He noticed, even commented that it was nice, then fell asleep.  I ended up rolling over and crying a bit - I'm trying to be understanding, but between feeling disconnected with my family this Christmas, I'm feeling disconnected with him.  I worry that he sees me as a lazy-a** who just sits at home not doing much, gaining pound after pound and turning into a slob.  Oddly, I LOVE being pregnant.  I love my big belly.  I love every curve and stretch mark - but I have to face the facts that he clearly doesn't feel that same passion for this new body as I do.  But that's it - I'm officially done.  I can't take any more tearful nights or any more rejection.  I've decided I'm not making a move - ever.  If he wants to connect after the baby comes, it will be upto him...I just worry that this stance might make us start down a road where our future might include a marriage therapist or worse....oh, forgive me, I think this is just the rantings and insecurities of a pregnant woman...


***************************************************************


This post seems to be all over the place, some update, some sadness and some frustration.  I guess that's all part of being pregnant.


On Wednesday I'm going to see my new OB. I finally got an appointment and I'm not sure if I'll like this doctor.  I've read mixed reviews for him online and I worry whether he will respect my birth plan, or whether he'll push his agenda. I guess I'll find out soon enough.


OK...enough whining.  Must reheat dinner as Freddie will be home soon.
Wishing you all the happiness possible in 2012 - and Thank You for sticking with me through all my ups and downs!

Back online for 2012

I hope that you all had a wonderful Christmas and a great New Year!!



I wish that I could say that mine was great, but my now infamous aunt, caused more drama at our special Christmas Eve dinner and effectively ruined it.  Oddly, I had gone to confession and decided to make a very conscious effort to have a NICE dinner and a great holiday this year and to NOT react to any of my aunt's poking and prodding.  This is the last Christmas that Freddie and I are 'alone', as next year we'll have a little one with us.  I had expected that my aunt and grandma would fuss over me a little bit or be excited about the baby, but that was not meant to be.  Dinner was strained, filled with many awkward pauses and silence.  We tried to fill the dead air as much as possible with the kind of small talk that I normally hate.  I did well, not reacting to any of my aunt's 'baits' and comments and I was proud of myself.  After the meal, I was in a lot of pain from sitting at the table and suggested that we move to the couch and spend some time around the tree - and that's when it all fell apart.  My aunt just got up abruptly and started getting dressed to leave.  I asked what was going on and she declared that she was not going to be exchanging gifts [as she declares each year].  To be clear, my aunt has never been happy with any gift she has ever received - she was born a complainer and has never enjoyed anything.  She has not wanted to do gifts for years, and for years she hasn't brought gifts [including birthdays], but we continue to buy small tokens of Christmas for all of us - this year's 'gift' was a $2.00 box of ornaments for each person bought at last year's Boxing Day sale.  It's not the amount, but simply the spirit of the Holiday.  Anyway, my mom had gone upstairs to write a card and I asked my aunt to at least wait until she came down.  As my mom came down the stairs, my aunt was out the door followed by her son and my grandma.  Only grandma managed to say 'Bye' over her shoulder, while the other two offered no 'Thank You for dinner', 'Goodbye' or I daresay "Wow, nice place" - as my mom had just moved and this was their first visit to her new home.  Nothing.  I was stunned.  I was so upset I could feel my entire body shaking and the tears came - what the heck was that?  Why do we bother getting together as a family at all??  Honestly, if someone else had refused a nominal gift and left midway from our annual Christmas celebration I'd be offended - and I was!  It was a record: one hour and twenty two minutes of Christmas.  We were all stunned.  Freddie and my mom comforted me and reminded me that next year we'll have our own Christmas with a new baby.  Oddly, there was not even the mention of the baby, or how much I've grown...nothing.  I don't know why I bother letting this same person hurt me over and over again - why am I stupid and naive enough to hope for a nice family gathering?  Freddie keeps telling me that the definition of Insanity is expecting a different result time and time again, and I think he's right, I am the insane one, hoping and praying for a different family gathering.  I really should learn to lower my expectations and simply be surprised should an actual dinner go well.


The next day, since my mom now lives 3 streets over, we invited her over for breakfast and we all went to church together.  The service was lovely and I could feel the tears well up when the priest talked about what Christmas means to us as a community, as a family and as individuals.  Yup, that close sense of family was nonexistant for me and it really saddened me.  After church, we went home to relax then headed over to Freddie's parents, where no family gathering is made out into a huge celebration - what I mean is, we were greeted by my FIL in his jogging pants and sweatshirt, MIL in an 'everyday' outfit, and the rest of the gang in jeans and sometimes ripped socks.  I mean at our place, this is the time to dress up and put on your best outfit - clearly, not the case here.  We had appetizers then did a small gift exchange.  Freddie and I didn't expect anything as we were given a cheque prior to the holidays [their tradition is that his mom gives everyone money, everyone buys their own gift and returns it to her, then she wraps and you get it at Christmas].  Our cheque was reserved for baby items...so we didn't expect anything.  But under the tree were two stockings and a cloth bag full of baby outfits, blankets, hats, etc.  Apparently, my MIL had gone and bought all these items at a second hand store, which I loved!!!  I was actually worried that she had gone out and spent a small fortune on this baby stash, so learning that these were inexpensive items helped.  We were so touched!!  Oddly, this was such a contrast to the 'family' experience the night before!!


I was happy to see Sammy's ornament on both my in-laws' tree and on my mom's.  Often I'd look at the ornament on our tree and think about what could have been... what should have been... how Sammy should have been 9 months old and this should have been his first Christmas...  A happy Christmas and the celebration of Christ's birth saddened me as I thought that while we celebrate the entrance of one baby into the world, my baby wasn't here...


Oddly, I thought about the fact that I should have gotten Sammy a stocking to put up with the two that Freddie and I had.  It was a total fluke that my MIL had put the baby clothes into two identical stockings - so one will be for Sammy and one for the new baby.  I'm hoping that next year, we will write small notes to Sammy and date them.  I'm hoping that over the years, as I read our wishes to our child, it will somehow keep him closer to me at Christmas.  I miss my child so much, especially at family gatherings where we should have a high chair between Freddie and I, we should hear happy gurgling and baby noises... instead I end up rubbing my belly and praying that this second baby will be a 'take home' baby.  I'm not naive enough to think that since I'm in my 30th week now that we're in the 'safe' zone, as I simply don't think there is one.  I pray and hope that we'll have a baby soon... and I pray that Sammy always knows how much we love and miss him.  I'd hate to think that our angel would be upset or jealous of this new life...


The rest of the break was spent with Freddie relaxing and enjoying our time together.  Many an evening I would lay on the couch beside Freddie, with our two cats curled up on my belly, while "thumper" would kick, probably telling them that s/he needed more room.    I love when Freddie puts his hand on my belly and feels 'thumper' kicking - I'm a little sad that he can't experience the movements the way I can.  Sometimes I feel a little distance between us, as I seem to be on the 'pregnancy journey' alone - after all, it's my body going through all these changes, it's my mind wondering who our child will grow up to be, it's my body dealing with the increased pain as my belly expands.  Freddie's life hasn't changed that much - but mine has.  Freddie often tells me he loves me, but he seems hesitant around me, as if I'm going to break or something.  Don't get me wrong, I still have to nag and nag for him to do something for me, and he's been spared midnight runs to satisfy cravings, as I really haven't had any.  The poor guys has had to deal with unbearable amounts of gas though, as I hate to admit that that is one symptom of this pregnancy that neither one of us can deal with. 


The next section is a bit sensitive and I've never written about this before, so feel free to skip this section:


************************************************

 I hate to even say this, and I don't know quite how, so I'll put it right out there - our intimacy has greatly suffered throughout this pregnancy.  Once we found out we were expecting, we were both a little hesitant, but once we were into the second trimester, I initiated things a few times and he seemed to act like he was doing me a favour by obliging.  Prior to getting pregnant, our intimacy was always with a 'purpose', as I would announce that it was a good day or it was time.  It got to a point where I don't think either of us really enjoyed our private time and quickies were the norm.  Now, it seems that we can't get back to being together for ourselves.  All the pregnancy books say that I should be having the best sex of my life while pregnant, but that isn't the case.  I realize that Freddie is concerned about hurting me or the baby - I get that.  But I just feel so rejected!  I mean I put on a nice nighty and try to initiate and I get turned down flat.  I know I'm big.  I know I'm not that attractive right now, but I never felt that way, till now.  I just worry that things may stay this way and that somehow we have lost ourselves in this entire process.  Don't get me wrong, I'm not some starved crazy woman, but I do miss and crave the intimacy that I shared with my husband.  I know he's worried about hurting the baby, I know he doesn't mean for me to feel so rejected - but I do.  I promised myself that I wouldn't push or pressure him, but again, like a fool, I slipped into a fancy bra and panties last night as we slipped into bed to watch TV.  He noticed, even commented that it was nice, then fell asleep.  I ended up rolling over and crying a bit - I'm trying to be understanding, but between feeling disconnected with my family this Christmas, I'm feeling disconnected with him.  I worry that he sees me as a lazy-a** who just sits at home not doing much, gaining pound after pound and turning into a slob.  Oddly, I LOVE being pregnant.  I love my big belly.  I love every curve and stretch mark - but I have to face the facts that he clearly doesn't feel that same passion for this new body as I do.  But that's it - I'm officially done.  I can't take any more tearful nights or any more rejection.  I've decided I'm not making a move - ever.  If he wants to connect after the baby comes, it will be upto him...I just worry that this stance might make start us down a road where our future might include a marriage therapist....oh, forgive me, I think this is just the rantings and insecurities of a pregnant woman...


***************************************************************


This post seems to be all over the place, some update, some sadness and some frustration.  I guess that's all part of being pregnant.


On Wednesday I'm going to see my new OB. I finally got an appointment and I'm not sure if I'll like this doctor.  I've read mixed reviews for him online and I worry whether he will respect my birth plan, or whether he'll push his agenda. I guess I'll find out soon enough.


OK...enough whining.  Must reheat dinner as Freddie will be home soon.
Wishing you all the happiness possible in 2012 - and Thank You for sticking with me through all my ups and downs!