Back online for 2012

I hope that you all had a wonderful Christmas and a great New Year!!



I wish that I could say that mine was great, but my now infamous aunt, caused more drama at our special Christmas Eve dinner and effectively ruined it.  Oddly, I had gone to confession and decided to make a very conscious effort to have a NICE dinner and a great holiday this year and to NOT react to any of my aunt's poking and prodding.  This is the last Christmas that Freddie and I are 'alone', as next year we'll have a little one with us.  I had expected that my aunt and grandma would fuss over me a little bit or be excited about the baby, but that was not meant to be.  Dinner was strained, filled with many awkward pauses and silence.  We tried to fill the dead air as much as possible with the kind of small talk that I normally hate.  I did well, not reacting to any of my aunt's 'baits' and comments and I was proud of myself.  After the meal, I was in a lot of pain from sitting at the table and suggested that we move to the couch and spend some time around the tree - and that's when it all fell apart.  My aunt just got up abruptly and started getting dressed to leave.  I asked what was going on and she declared that she was not going to be exchanging gifts [as she declares each year].  To be clear, my aunt has never been happy with any gift she has ever received - she was born a complainer and has never enjoyed anything.  She has not wanted to do gifts for years, and for years she hasn't brought gifts [including birthdays], but we continue to buy small tokens of Christmas for all of us - this year's 'gift' was a $2.00 box of ornaments for each person bought at last year's Boxing Day sale.  It's not the amount, but simply the spirit of the Holiday.  Anyway, my mom had gone upstairs to write a card and I asked my aunt to at least wait until she came down.  As my mom came down the stairs, my aunt was out the door followed by her son and my grandma.  Only grandma managed to say 'Bye' over her shoulder, while the other two offered no 'Thank You for dinner', 'Goodbye' or I daresay "Wow, nice place" - as my mom had just moved and this was their first visit to her new home.  Nothing.  I was stunned.  I was so upset I could feel my entire body shaking and the tears came - what the heck was that?  Why do we bother getting together as a family at all??  Honestly, if someone else had refused a nominal gift and left midway from our annual Christmas celebration I'd be offended - and I was!  It was a record: one hour and twenty two minutes of Christmas.  We were all stunned.  Freddie and my mom comforted me and reminded me that next year we'll have our own Christmas with a new baby.  Oddly, there was not even the mention of the baby, or how much I've grown...nothing.  I don't know why I bother letting this same person hurt me over and over again - why am I stupid and naive enough to hope for a nice family gathering?  Freddie keeps telling me that the definition of Insanity is expecting a different result time and time again, and I think he's right, I am the insane one, hoping and praying for a different family gathering.  I really should learn to lower my expectations and simply be surprised should an actual dinner go well.


The next day, since my mom now lives 3 streets over, we invited her over for breakfast and we all went to church together.  The service was lovely and I could feel the tears well up when the priest talked about what Christmas means to us as a community, as a family and as individuals.  Yup, that close sense of family was nonexistant for me and it really saddened me.  After church, we went home to relax then headed over to Freddie's parents, where no family gathering is made out into a huge celebration - what I mean is, we were greeted by my FIL in his jogging pants and sweatshirt, MIL in an 'everyday' outfit, and the rest of the gang in jeans and sometimes ripped socks.  I mean at our place, this is the time to dress up and put on your best outfit - clearly, not the case here.  We had appetizers then did a small gift exchange.  Freddie and I didn't expect anything as we were given a cheque prior to the holidays [their tradition is that his mom gives everyone money, everyone buys their own gift and returns it to her, then she wraps and you get it at Christmas].  Our cheque was reserved for baby items...so we didn't expect anything.  But under the tree were two stockings and a cloth bag full of baby outfits, blankets, hats, etc.  Apparently, my MIL had gone and bought all these items at a second hand store, which I loved!!!  I was actually worried that she had gone out and spent a small fortune on this baby stash, so learning that these were inexpensive items helped.  We were so touched!!  Oddly, this was such a contrast to the 'family' experience the night before!!


I was happy to see Sammy's ornament on both my in-laws' tree and on my mom's.  Often I'd look at the ornament on our tree and think about what could have been... what should have been... how Sammy should have been 9 months old and this should have been his first Christmas...  A happy Christmas and the celebration of Christ's birth saddened me as I thought that while we celebrate the entrance of one baby into the world, I cant' help but think of the loss of another...


Oddly, I thought about the fact that I should have gotten Sammy a stocking to put up with the two that Freddie and I had.  It was a total fluke that my MIL had put the baby clothes into two identical stockings - so one will be for Sammy and one for the new baby.  I'm hoping that next year, we will write small notes to Sammy and date them.  I'm hoping that over the years, as I read our wishes to our child, it will somehow keep him closer to me at Christmas.  I miss my child so much, especially at family gatherings where we should have a high chair between Freddie and I, we should hear happy gurgling and baby noises... instead I end up rubbing my belly and praying that this second baby will be a 'take home' baby.  I'm not naive enough to think that since I'm in my 30th week now that we're in the 'safe' zone, as I simply don't think there is one.  I pray and hope that we'll have a baby soon... and I pray that Sammy always knows how much we love and miss him.  I'd hate to think that our angel would be upset or jealous of this new life...


The rest of the break was spent with Freddie relaxing and enjoying our time together.  Many an evening I would lay on the couch beside Freddie, with our two cats curled up on my belly, while "thumper" would kick, probably telling them that s/he needed more room.    I love when Freddie puts his hand on my belly and feels 'thumper' kicking - I'm a little sad that he can't experience the movements the way I can.  Sometimes I feel a little distance between us, as I seem to be on the 'pregnancy journey' alone - after all, it's my body going through all these changes, it's my mind wondering who our child will grow up to be, it's my body dealing with the increased pain as my belly expands.  Freddie's life hasn't changed that much - but mine has.  Freddie often tells me he loves me, but he seems hesitant around me, as if I'm going to break or something.  Don't get me wrong, I still have to nag and nag for him to do something for me, and he's been spared midnight runs to satisfy cravings, as I really haven't had any.  The poor guys has had to deal with unbearable amounts of gas though, as I hate to admit that that is one symptom of this pregnancy that neither one of us can deal with. 


The next section is a bit sensitive and I've never written about this before, so feel free to skip this section:


************************************************

 I hate to even say this, and I don't know quite how, so I'll put it right out there - our intimacy has greatly suffered throughout this pregnancy.  Once we found out we were expecting, we were both a little hesitant, but once we were into the second trimester, I initiated things a few times and he seemed to act like he was doing me a favour by obliging.  Prior to getting pregnant, our intimacy was always with a 'purpose', as I would announce that it was a good day or it was time.  It got to a point where I don't think either of us really enjoyed our private time and quickies were the norm.  Now, it seems that we can't get back to being together for ourselves.  All the pregnancy books say that I should be having the best sex of my life while pregnant, but that isn't the case.  I realize that Freddie is concerned about hurting me or the baby - I get that.  But I just feel so rejected!  I mean I put on a nice nighty and try to initiate and I get turned down flat.  I know I'm big.  I know I'm not that attractive right now, but I never felt that way, till now.  I just worry that things may stay this way and that somehow we have lost ourselves in this entire process.  Don't get me wrong, I'm not some starved crazy woman, but I do miss and crave the intimacy that I shared with my husband.  I know he's worried about hurting the baby, I know he doesn't mean for me to feel so rejected - but I do.  I promised myself that I wouldn't push or pressure him, but again, like a fool, I slipped into a fancy bra and panties last night as we slipped into bed to watch TV.  He noticed, even commented that it was nice, then fell asleep.  I ended up rolling over and crying a bit - I'm trying to be understanding, but between feeling disconnected with my family this Christmas, I'm feeling disconnected with him.  I worry that he sees me as a lazy-a** who just sits at home not doing much, gaining pound after pound and turning into a slob.  Oddly, I LOVE being pregnant.  I love my big belly.  I love every curve and stretch mark - but I have to face the facts that he clearly doesn't feel that same passion for this new body as I do.  But that's it - I'm officially done.  I can't take any more tearful nights or any more rejection.  I've decided I'm not making a move - ever.  If he wants to connect after the baby comes, it will be upto him...I just worry that this stance might make us start down a road where our future might include a marriage therapist or worse....oh, forgive me, I think this is just the rantings and insecurities of a pregnant woman...


***************************************************************


This post seems to be all over the place, some update, some sadness and some frustration.  I guess that's all part of being pregnant.


On Wednesday I'm going to see my new OB. I finally got an appointment and I'm not sure if I'll like this doctor.  I've read mixed reviews for him online and I worry whether he will respect my birth plan, or whether he'll push his agenda. I guess I'll find out soon enough.


OK...enough whining.  Must reheat dinner as Freddie will be home soon.
Wishing you all the happiness possible in 2012 - and Thank You for sticking with me through all my ups and downs!

Back online for 2012

I hope that you all had a wonderful Christmas and a great New Year!!



I wish that I could say that mine was great, but my now infamous aunt, caused more drama at our special Christmas Eve dinner and effectively ruined it.  Oddly, I had gone to confession and decided to make a very conscious effort to have a NICE dinner and a great holiday this year and to NOT react to any of my aunt's poking and prodding.  This is the last Christmas that Freddie and I are 'alone', as next year we'll have a little one with us.  I had expected that my aunt and grandma would fuss over me a little bit or be excited about the baby, but that was not meant to be.  Dinner was strained, filled with many awkward pauses and silence.  We tried to fill the dead air as much as possible with the kind of small talk that I normally hate.  I did well, not reacting to any of my aunt's 'baits' and comments and I was proud of myself.  After the meal, I was in a lot of pain from sitting at the table and suggested that we move to the couch and spend some time around the tree - and that's when it all fell apart.  My aunt just got up abruptly and started getting dressed to leave.  I asked what was going on and she declared that she was not going to be exchanging gifts [as she declares each year].  To be clear, my aunt has never been happy with any gift she has ever received - she was born a complainer and has never enjoyed anything.  She has not wanted to do gifts for years, and for years she hasn't brought gifts [including birthdays], but we continue to buy small tokens of Christmas for all of us - this year's 'gift' was a $2.00 box of ornaments for each person bought at last year's Boxing Day sale.  It's not the amount, but simply the spirit of the Holiday.  Anyway, my mom had gone upstairs to write a card and I asked my aunt to at least wait until she came down.  As my mom came down the stairs, my aunt was out the door followed by her son and my grandma.  Only grandma managed to say 'Bye' over her shoulder, while the other two offered no 'Thank You for dinner', 'Goodbye' or I daresay "Wow, nice place" - as my mom had just moved and this was their first visit to her new home.  Nothing.  I was stunned.  I was so upset I could feel my entire body shaking and the tears came - what the heck was that?  Why do we bother getting together as a family at all??  Honestly, if someone else had refused a nominal gift and left midway from our annual Christmas celebration I'd be offended - and I was!  It was a record: one hour and twenty two minutes of Christmas.  We were all stunned.  Freddie and my mom comforted me and reminded me that next year we'll have our own Christmas with a new baby.  Oddly, there was not even the mention of the baby, or how much I've grown...nothing.  I don't know why I bother letting this same person hurt me over and over again - why am I stupid and naive enough to hope for a nice family gathering?  Freddie keeps telling me that the definition of Insanity is expecting a different result time and time again, and I think he's right, I am the insane one, hoping and praying for a different family gathering.  I really should learn to lower my expectations and simply be surprised should an actual dinner go well.


The next day, since my mom now lives 3 streets over, we invited her over for breakfast and we all went to church together.  The service was lovely and I could feel the tears well up when the priest talked about what Christmas means to us as a community, as a family and as individuals.  Yup, that close sense of family was nonexistant for me and it really saddened me.  After church, we went home to relax then headed over to Freddie's parents, where no family gathering is made out into a huge celebration - what I mean is, we were greeted by my FIL in his jogging pants and sweatshirt, MIL in an 'everyday' outfit, and the rest of the gang in jeans and sometimes ripped socks.  I mean at our place, this is the time to dress up and put on your best outfit - clearly, not the case here.  We had appetizers then did a small gift exchange.  Freddie and I didn't expect anything as we were given a cheque prior to the holidays [their tradition is that his mom gives everyone money, everyone buys their own gift and returns it to her, then she wraps and you get it at Christmas].  Our cheque was reserved for baby items...so we didn't expect anything.  But under the tree were two stockings and a cloth bag full of baby outfits, blankets, hats, etc.  Apparently, my MIL had gone and bought all these items at a second hand store, which I loved!!!  I was actually worried that she had gone out and spent a small fortune on this baby stash, so learning that these were inexpensive items helped.  We were so touched!!  Oddly, this was such a contrast to the 'family' experience the night before!!


I was happy to see Sammy's ornament on both my in-laws' tree and on my mom's.  Often I'd look at the ornament on our tree and think about what could have been... what should have been... how Sammy should have been 9 months old and this should have been his first Christmas...  A happy Christmas and the celebration of Christ's birth saddened me as I thought that while we celebrate the entrance of one baby into the world, my baby wasn't here...


Oddly, I thought about the fact that I should have gotten Sammy a stocking to put up with the two that Freddie and I had.  It was a total fluke that my MIL had put the baby clothes into two identical stockings - so one will be for Sammy and one for the new baby.  I'm hoping that next year, we will write small notes to Sammy and date them.  I'm hoping that over the years, as I read our wishes to our child, it will somehow keep him closer to me at Christmas.  I miss my child so much, especially at family gatherings where we should have a high chair between Freddie and I, we should hear happy gurgling and baby noises... instead I end up rubbing my belly and praying that this second baby will be a 'take home' baby.  I'm not naive enough to think that since I'm in my 30th week now that we're in the 'safe' zone, as I simply don't think there is one.  I pray and hope that we'll have a baby soon... and I pray that Sammy always knows how much we love and miss him.  I'd hate to think that our angel would be upset or jealous of this new life...


The rest of the break was spent with Freddie relaxing and enjoying our time together.  Many an evening I would lay on the couch beside Freddie, with our two cats curled up on my belly, while "thumper" would kick, probably telling them that s/he needed more room.    I love when Freddie puts his hand on my belly and feels 'thumper' kicking - I'm a little sad that he can't experience the movements the way I can.  Sometimes I feel a little distance between us, as I seem to be on the 'pregnancy journey' alone - after all, it's my body going through all these changes, it's my mind wondering who our child will grow up to be, it's my body dealing with the increased pain as my belly expands.  Freddie's life hasn't changed that much - but mine has.  Freddie often tells me he loves me, but he seems hesitant around me, as if I'm going to break or something.  Don't get me wrong, I still have to nag and nag for him to do something for me, and he's been spared midnight runs to satisfy cravings, as I really haven't had any.  The poor guys has had to deal with unbearable amounts of gas though, as I hate to admit that that is one symptom of this pregnancy that neither one of us can deal with. 


The next section is a bit sensitive and I've never written about this before, so feel free to skip this section:


************************************************

 I hate to even say this, and I don't know quite how, so I'll put it right out there - our intimacy has greatly suffered throughout this pregnancy.  Once we found out we were expecting, we were both a little hesitant, but once we were into the second trimester, I initiated things a few times and he seemed to act like he was doing me a favour by obliging.  Prior to getting pregnant, our intimacy was always with a 'purpose', as I would announce that it was a good day or it was time.  It got to a point where I don't think either of us really enjoyed our private time and quickies were the norm.  Now, it seems that we can't get back to being together for ourselves.  All the pregnancy books say that I should be having the best sex of my life while pregnant, but that isn't the case.  I realize that Freddie is concerned about hurting me or the baby - I get that.  But I just feel so rejected!  I mean I put on a nice nighty and try to initiate and I get turned down flat.  I know I'm big.  I know I'm not that attractive right now, but I never felt that way, till now.  I just worry that things may stay this way and that somehow we have lost ourselves in this entire process.  Don't get me wrong, I'm not some starved crazy woman, but I do miss and crave the intimacy that I shared with my husband.  I know he's worried about hurting the baby, I know he doesn't mean for me to feel so rejected - but I do.  I promised myself that I wouldn't push or pressure him, but again, like a fool, I slipped into a fancy bra and panties last night as we slipped into bed to watch TV.  He noticed, even commented that it was nice, then fell asleep.  I ended up rolling over and crying a bit - I'm trying to be understanding, but between feeling disconnected with my family this Christmas, I'm feeling disconnected with him.  I worry that he sees me as a lazy-a** who just sits at home not doing much, gaining pound after pound and turning into a slob.  Oddly, I LOVE being pregnant.  I love my big belly.  I love every curve and stretch mark - but I have to face the facts that he clearly doesn't feel that same passion for this new body as I do.  But that's it - I'm officially done.  I can't take any more tearful nights or any more rejection.  I've decided I'm not making a move - ever.  If he wants to connect after the baby comes, it will be upto him...I just worry that this stance might make start us down a road where our future might include a marriage therapist....oh, forgive me, I think this is just the rantings and insecurities of a pregnant woman...


***************************************************************


This post seems to be all over the place, some update, some sadness and some frustration.  I guess that's all part of being pregnant.


On Wednesday I'm going to see my new OB. I finally got an appointment and I'm not sure if I'll like this doctor.  I've read mixed reviews for him online and I worry whether he will respect my birth plan, or whether he'll push his agenda. I guess I'll find out soon enough.


OK...enough whining.  Must reheat dinner as Freddie will be home soon.
Wishing you all the happiness possible in 2012 - and Thank You for sticking with me through all my ups and downs!

The BIG Fight!

I knew that we'd fight sooner or later.  It was just inevitable. It had been building for months now. I thought I could stifle the anger. I thought I could move past it.  And then it happened, I had a huge fight with my aunt.
 
I guess I should backtrack a little. You may recall that I've blogged about my aunt, who also happens to be my godmother here.  Our relationship over the years has not been easy, as she is such a difficult person to deal with. In fact, it seems that every family gathering sees her "butting heads" with someone.  In her opinion, she is the smartest, most knowledgeable, most caring, most friendly, most tolerant, blah, blah, blah.  In truth, its almost the opposite.  Her main fault is that she is incapable of empathy in any way, shape or form. She never understands where any of us are coming from in conversation.  She can't understand anyones pain, difficulty or sorrow.  In addition, the world has to revolve around her - we always have to adjust our Holidays, celebrations to her schedule. If she doesn't want to do gifts, we don't, to avoid an argument, but I digress.
 
Empathy, in the image here, is defined as: "Understanding what the other person is going through and being there".  It would be nice if she could simply understand.  "Being there", would be a nice added bonus!

So you may recall that she has never said a word about the loss of our baby.  There was no card, no phone call, no flowers.  Even after a while, when we finally met at a family function, she barely would even say "Hello" to me - but still no expression of condolences.  This really hurt me as I like to think that we are fairly close. We live in the same town!  The mother-in-law of one of my relatives managed to hug me and whisper her condolences to me, while greeting me at church.  I received more empathy from a stranger than from my aunt/godmother.

Recently, my grandmother was in the hospital.  For four days we weren't sure if she'd make it.  The entire situation was extremely stressful (and you might remember what stress is doing to me here).  My aunt kept hovering and driving me insane for 2 days while we were there together, while I bit my tongue, went for walks, and avoided arguing with her. On the fifth day of the hospital visits, yesterday, IT finally happened.

 We were talking about my grandma's after care and what might be involved.  Knowing that my aunt is grossed out by bodily functions, I made a joke (it's hard to understand how a grown woman can refuse to kiss her dying mother, or bathe her in her hospital bed, or heaven forbid change an adult diaper!  My mother does all of this readily and I am prepared to do this for my & Freddie's parents if need be.  That's the order of things, but I digress again!).

Before I tell you the joke that started it all, the night before, she started talking about IVF.  She claimed that she watched a TV show (she only watches one Catholic station from Europe) about IVF and proceeded to tell me her opinion, as well as what she claimed the Catholic Church thought.  We exchanged words, as I had done a lot of research on this topic when we were considering IVF, and I stupidly shared my info with her.  My poor mother kept trying to shut my aunt up as she  knew that sooner or later I'd be upset.  My mom later told me that she had spoken to my aunt after that, telling her to back off and leave me alone. Apparently, my mom explained to my aunt that losing our Angel was clearly extremely difficult for us, so difficult in fact that I didn't really talk too much about it with my mom.  My mom asked her to avoid these stupid "baby" subjects as they were very painful for me. 

So fast forward to yesterday, my aunt, my mom and I are standing over grandma's bed.  My aunt wasn't too happy that my grandma wanted to go home when she felt better, instead of moving in with my aunt.  So I jokingly, with a smile on my face, told her not to worry, that she'd still have a chance to change grandma's diapers (as we're at that point now).  My aunt's rebuttal was that I would have to change them as well since I'd have to help out, and I said "of course, I've already done it". Since she had no more to add, her reply was "Well, you should be changing a baby's diapers by now!"   And I LOST IT!  As we were in the hospital and trying to whisper, I hissed at her:  "Oh, you have an opinion now??  When my baby died you didn't have a word to say. You were incapable of picking up the phone to offer your condolences or to see how I was doing. If you didn't want to call, you could have sent a sympathy card.  You haven't said a word in days, but now 5 months, 3 weeks and 5 days later you have an opinion?  It's one thing to forget my birthday and say nothing, but to ignore that our child died is inexcusable.  Just stay the f**k out of my life!!!"  To be honest, I was shocked at myself as I don't swear often!  I've never even sworn around my grandma, mom or Freddie's parents, but I was so mad. My heart was pounding so hard that I heard the thumping in my ears, I was lightheaded and my legs were shaking.  My aunt started raising her voice that she can't "talk" to me, that I'm always upset, that she didn't say anything wrong, etc.  My mom kept trying to shut my aunt up, telling her that she was insensitive, that she had no empathy, no tact, that of course she can't talk to me after all the pain and stress I've been through, but this all fell on deaf ears.  Eventually my aunt left.  I fully expected my mom to give me an earful about respecting elders, swearing, etc., as my entire life I remember her telling me to be tolerant of my aunt, to respect her, to listen to her even if I knew she was wrong, to be polite to her - then as I became a teenager and knew she was full of it, to simply smile and ignore her, instead of causing a family scene.  Yet this time, my mom totally supported me and was shocked herself that my aunt would bring up this topic again, even after mom had a discussion with her recently. Naturally, my aunt feels like the injured party, but again, this is nothing new.


I'm sure we all have some difficult relatives, but this one takes the cake.  Freddie readily admits that his family has aspects of "crazy" as well, but he agrees that it's nowhere to this degree.  I think that this may have changed my relationship with my aunt forever - not in the sense that my aunt will hold a grudge, as over the years she has had scenes like this with both of her sons, my mom, grandma, etc, but more

in the way that I see her.  I almost 

feel free now, released from trying to make a dysfunctional relationship work.  I feel that I no longer need to have a relationship with her because she's my aunt. I feel like I am choosing to be polite, treat her as an acquaintance, and enjoy myself. I feel like I no longer need to prepare myself for biting my tongue or for trying to find a way to keep the peace at each family function.  I feel like I finally stood up for myself and my angel.  I feel free of the expectation to be "good", then feeling guilty if I can't meet or exceed that expectation.  I feel free of the hope that my aunt would be supportive or kind. I'm free of the dream that I'll be able to get along with her.  If I hadn't had this blow up with her, it would always be between us and I would always have an underlying anger.  I feel lighter, my anger is gone and I feel good.

The bonus is that she is not my mother and that I will not be taking care of her in her old age.  Prior to this, I felt obligated, as her god-daughter, and the only female in my family (as she has a son and a step-son with a wife) to help her out. I felt obligated as her son is totally irresponsible and won't take care of her, while her step-son and his wife are very decent, but my aunt has treated them horribly over the years claiming that they weren't "her blood".  Her stepson has a large family of his own and won't have the time or space to help her out much, I suspect their interaction will be limited.  That's why I felt that I should help her, but I no longer feel this obligation. I feel free to focus on my family and have options in place for my mom's elder care. That's it.  Perhaps this huge blow-up of an argument was good in the end.  I certainly feel better!