Self -isolation

My Dear Friends,
I'll be the first to admit, that it's hard for me to juggle my constant chronic pain, and two kids. It's been years since I've worked on this blog, and even though I often think about it, finding the time is hard. I'm home now, full-time, raising my two little girls. Sophie just turned 8 on the weekend, and Gabs turned 4 in February. Life is very busy with two rambunctious kids in the house. Freddie and I finally have the family that we had always dreamed of. But finding time for myself, for my own hobbies and interests, is almost nonexistent. I've made a bit of a mistake here, by throwing myself so wholeheartedly into my children and my family life, that I have lost myself. I keep telling myself that in September, when Gabs goes to JK, that I'll be able to rediscover who I am and what my interests are. But now with this coronavirus, I don't know what this new school year will look like.

Today is Wednesday April 1st, 2020. We have now been in self isolation for 2 and 1/2 weeks. This is the third week of self-isolation for us. The girls and I stay at home, completely by ourselves, while Freddie continues to go to work. The business that he is in is deemed to be an essential service, which means that he has to be at work. Sadly, he has had to lay off all of his employees, but he still has to work. I worry for him everyday, worried that he might pick up the virus and get it himself, or bring it home to us.

The last year or so, we have been helping take care of my elderly mother, who is exhibiting early signs of dementia. These are very early stages, and she's able to take care of herself for the most part, but we still drop off food for her on a daily basis. Now, with a virus on a rampage through our country, we simply drop off her meals on the porch, remind her to wipe down all the containers, and and have her bring them into the house. Neither I nor my girls, have been in contact with my mom for over three weeks. We visit her by standing on the sidewalk and talking from a distance.

The girls get along for the most part. But let's be honest, it's far too hard for Gabs to have her sister here full time. Gabs is used to having her own space, her own schedule and now her older sister is here full time. We try to have some semblance of a schedule, but it's not easy. They love each other and get along, but within the next 5 minutes are each other's throats, and yelling, screaming, fighting. We're trying to get out every day for a couple of hours so they can get their energy out. But it's eery being out on the street, and not seeing anybody.

I don't sleep well at night. I crawl into bed and then I toss and turn for hours. I worry about Freddie's business and whether it will be able to survive? I worry whether the initial investment we put into it, whether that will also be devoured by the virus? I worry about my girls and how they're handling all of this? I worry about Sophie missing her First Holy Communion this year. I worry that one of us, or someone close to us, may become sick... and I'm absolutely terrified of what might happen should Freddie and I both be ill with the coronavirus. What will happen to our girls then? Who will take care of them? Do we keep them in the house, exposed to the virus? Or do we try to have a distant relative take them so that they will be safe? Will anyone even want to take them into their home, if they may have been exposed to the virus? So much worry going on right now. It's hard to keep a level head. I've never been in this position before, and if you had told me about this even a few months ago, I would have never believed it. But here we are... I'm scared, and I'm worried. But during the day, I put on a brave face as we colour, paint, and do ballet over the internet. I don't want my children to worry about the true gravity of the situation. We're honest with them about everything, but we keep stressing how even IF we did get sick we would survive, but honestly, young people in their thirties and forties are dying. It's rare, but it happens. And that leaves me completely scared...