The weather was in the low 20's [Celsius of course], which is about mid-70's F. The days were a mix of sun and cloud, with the last day being a bit rainy. We spent a few hours on two occasions enjoying the beach, although the water was too cold to get in past the navel. We rented a scooter and drove all over the island - but let's be honest, it was not easy for me to get on or off normally, but the added bump of the pregnancy really made it difficult. We saw all kinds of amazing sights, especially the colourful houses and great ocean views. We did every touristy thing we could, and I admit that I pushed myself probably more than I should have, but I am in pain daily, so the trade-off of increased pain for incredible memories was worth it...plus I knew I'd be resting when I got home. I have to admit that my butt and tailbone still hurt today, and we've been home for 2 days now. We enjoyed lots of great local fish, and I even had a bit of rum cake...and boy was it doused with rum!! The evenings were quiet and we were in bed usually by 9 or 10pm, but considering that I am chronically ill and pregnant to boot, the slower pace of this vacation was just right for me. The sad thing was that the three pools at the complex were not heated, and the only one that was, was barely tepid. One night we did try the 'heated' pool, but I knew it was a mistake the minute the water was past my knees. By the time I was fully submerged, the cold actually made my breasts hurt! It was like being stabbed with a thousand knives, and the fabric rubbing my nipples was agonizing. I had never experienced anything like this - and we never used that pool again.
On our way back from the airport, we picked up the mail and Freddie found a letter from the government agency administering our federal disability program. I was scared to open it and felt my knees get a little weak. Freddie encouraged me that the letter was thick, so perhaps that was good news for us. So I took a deep breath and opened it...immediately I saw '...we regret to inform you....'. I had tears in my eyes and felt like I had been sucker-punched. I was mad and so disappointed! I knew that the general practice is to deny all first-time applications in hopes that the applicant will give up and weed out the 'fakers' out there, but I still felt like they were saying 'you're fine, this is all in your head'. I actually thought I'd throw up I was so upset. All the relaxation and fun we had just had vanished, and I was back in the dumps.
So I've already booked my appointment with a paralegal specializing in disability cases and we'll see what he says, if I have a chance at winning, etc. I know that this is going to be a long road ahead, but I hope that the fact that I'm going to go on mat leave will extend my sick time and give me longer to file appeals. The committee totally ignored the new evidence of additional herniated discs in my lower back and several in my neck, combined with the new diagnosis of fibromyalgia, but chose instead to focus on the fact that I had a small nerve impingement 5 years ago, which had lessened on the last MRI... but I have 4 new herniated discs around that area! They also cited the neurosurgeon's letter which indicated that I was not a candidate for surgery and that I may find some relief from the pain with time...but they ignored the fact that I'm not a candidate for surgery as they can only do one disc replacement and I have multiple disc problems combined with the fact that they can't determine which disc is the most problematic. So he recommended that since he can't really help me, that perhaps I may find relief in time with the disc issues...but that doesn't even take into consideration the constant problems with fibromyalgia. I just feel so beat up and tired of this - and I know I have a big battle ahead.
If I lose, I will have no choice but return to work somehow and try to make it through the day. I mean I'm not surprised that I was denied, but I was hoping that maybe, just maybe, things were going to start getting a bit easier after all the rough times we've dealt with over the last 2 years...so I am so very disappointed and sad. I'm back to feeling uncertain about my future and feeling like I'm hanging in limbo and frankly a bit scared of how things will turn out. I know I can't work at the same level as before, so when I do go back to work, I know that sooner or later I'll be let go as there will be no way that I can be as productive as before. I mean, the physical difficulties with standing/sitting/walking are obvious, but when I'm in pain I get testy and can't focus. The other part is that due to all the meds my focus, concentration and memory has gone to hell. I read something three or four times to make sense of it, I can't remember simple things, I can't focus long enough to make a decision or get through a conversation - how am I supposed to oversee staff and run a department when I can get barely through the daily routine?? And if I am let go for that reason, then I know I have a wrongful dismissal suit, but that is again more lawyers and court time... Oh, it just isn't looking good anytime soon. Please pray for me that somehow this gets resolved...I'm just so scared that I'll end up with no job, no health coverage [my meds are not cheap], no money and no future. Oh God, help me please!!!
