May the birth of our Lord fill each of us with love and joy, and a deep knowledge that all our children are spending Christmas with Jesus in heaven. Although we miss them terribly and wish they were here with us, know that they are being taken care of by our Father and allow love, joy and peace to enter your heart and reside there this Christmas and throughout 2012.
Saturday, December 24, 2011
Friday, December 16, 2011
Ouch! What happened??
I don't know what I did. I hurt - a lot. In fact, I can barely move. I can barely walk. I've been on the heating pad for the last few days and spend my entire day in my PJ's yesterday. Let me backtrack...
On Tuesday, I went back to the aqua physio class in the warm water pool. I hadn't gone since we got home from Bermuda as I was busy helping mom unpack at her new place, take care of medical appointments, etc. So I went back to the warm water pool - and let me make it clear: this is a class of seniors and me. So between my medical issues and being in the last trimester of this pregnancy, I am neither graceful nor do I move quickly, even if I tried. I took it easy in class and I don't think I even got winded. I stretched and I didn't overdo it, but I felt my left hip start hurting. By the time it was time to get out of the pool, I couldn't get out! The lifeguard walked over and offered to get the moveable step ladder for me, but I was on the last step by then. That afternoon, I had to hit the grocery store as Freddie was having his work Christmas party the next day and I had promised to make a cabbage dish for him... which I did that afternoon, in a lot of pain.
To make a long story short, I kept feeling worse and in more pain as time went on, and I was less and less mobile. By evening, I couldn't get off the couch without help or get into bed on my own. The night was horrible. I couldn't roll over, couldn't sleep due to the pain...ah, pain, pain and more pain. Over the last 3-4 days, I've improved every so slightly, but honestly, not much. Yesterday, I was able to unload the dishwasher and put a pot of stock on the stove - that's it. It is so hard to roll over or get up off the couch. I use the cane to walk around the house and its so hard to get dressed [and don't get me started on the difficulties with self-hygiene at this time!!].
All of this has me freaked out a little bit. Whenever this has happened in the past, it was precipitated by a huge muscle spasm or I did something or moved in a particular way - but this time, it just got worse and worse. I'm not sure if this is related to the increased pregnancy weight, or if it's part of my 'regular' medical issues. What if this doesn't get better soon? What if this happens when we have a baby? I mean, I can't life a jug of water to pour myself a glass! Luckily, my mom is now a 2-3 minute drive away and my in-laws are 7 minutes away, so I can get help, but it still scares me that I might not be able to pick my baby up from the crib!
Christmas is just around the corner and I am NOT ready at all! The tree isn't up, the gifts aren't wrapped [luckily I shopped on Boxing Day last year], the few gifts left have not been bought and in an act of desperation, Freddie and I decided last night not to get each other gifts at all, as we really don't have the money or the time to run around. With a baby coming, even though I'm buying mostly used items [as long as I can wash it], there will be expenses - but I do hope to pick up a few items at a baby shower in January. I haven't done any baking, decorating, nothing! I only did the cards last month and that is is! So today Freddie is working a 1/2 day, so he'll bring up our artificial tree and then my mom is going to come over and help me dress it - I am still hobbling and barely walking, but I have to start. I don't want to push myself too much, but I also can't be 'resting' all the time. So I'm going to try... and praying that we can get it accomplished by the end of the weekend!
On Tuesday, I went back to the aqua physio class in the warm water pool. I hadn't gone since we got home from Bermuda as I was busy helping mom unpack at her new place, take care of medical appointments, etc. So I went back to the warm water pool - and let me make it clear: this is a class of seniors and me. So between my medical issues and being in the last trimester of this pregnancy, I am neither graceful nor do I move quickly, even if I tried. I took it easy in class and I don't think I even got winded. I stretched and I didn't overdo it, but I felt my left hip start hurting. By the time it was time to get out of the pool, I couldn't get out! The lifeguard walked over and offered to get the moveable step ladder for me, but I was on the last step by then. That afternoon, I had to hit the grocery store as Freddie was having his work Christmas party the next day and I had promised to make a cabbage dish for him... which I did that afternoon, in a lot of pain.
To make a long story short, I kept feeling worse and in more pain as time went on, and I was less and less mobile. By evening, I couldn't get off the couch without help or get into bed on my own. The night was horrible. I couldn't roll over, couldn't sleep due to the pain...ah, pain, pain and more pain. Over the last 3-4 days, I've improved every so slightly, but honestly, not much. Yesterday, I was able to unload the dishwasher and put a pot of stock on the stove - that's it. It is so hard to roll over or get up off the couch. I use the cane to walk around the house and its so hard to get dressed [and don't get me started on the difficulties with self-hygiene at this time!!].
All of this has me freaked out a little bit. Whenever this has happened in the past, it was precipitated by a huge muscle spasm or I did something or moved in a particular way - but this time, it just got worse and worse. I'm not sure if this is related to the increased pregnancy weight, or if it's part of my 'regular' medical issues. What if this doesn't get better soon? What if this happens when we have a baby? I mean, I can't life a jug of water to pour myself a glass! Luckily, my mom is now a 2-3 minute drive away and my in-laws are 7 minutes away, so I can get help, but it still scares me that I might not be able to pick my baby up from the crib!
Christmas is just around the corner and I am NOT ready at all! The tree isn't up, the gifts aren't wrapped [luckily I shopped on Boxing Day last year], the few gifts left have not been bought and in an act of desperation, Freddie and I decided last night not to get each other gifts at all, as we really don't have the money or the time to run around. With a baby coming, even though I'm buying mostly used items [as long as I can wash it], there will be expenses - but I do hope to pick up a few items at a baby shower in January. I haven't done any baking, decorating, nothing! I only did the cards last month and that is is! So today Freddie is working a 1/2 day, so he'll bring up our artificial tree and then my mom is going to come over and help me dress it - I am still hobbling and barely walking, but I have to start. I don't want to push myself too much, but I also can't be 'resting' all the time. So I'm going to try... and praying that we can get it accomplished by the end of the weekend!
P.S.
I did start knitting a baby bootie last night - I got 1/3 of it done. I'm trying to follow a pattern with YouTube guidance, but it's not easy. Most people knit 'backwards', as I'm used to moving my needle through the yarn, but most of the videos on YouTube wrap the yarn around the needle, which is a bit different. Anyway, wish me luck!
Monday, December 12, 2011
Updating how "we're" doing
How far along: Completed 25 weeks today. I can't believe that we're entering our 7th month!!
Weight gain/loss: I've gained about 27lbs since the start of the pregnancy. It's mostly going into the belly and boobs, which honestly I don't mind :-) I can still wear my old jean with the belly band and I've been in the same pair of pants for a while, so I'm happy about that!
Maternity clothes: Definitely! I'm into Large mat clothes. Most of what I have are clothes I've bought used online. I tried to find some 'nicer' clothing for Christmas this past weekend and was so sad to see how little choice there was and how ugly most of the maternity clothes are. The worst thing is underwear - most places don't carry maternity underwear, and the ones at a Maternity Store are so expensive, that I've been buying L/XL normal undies...oh well, just my little gripe!
Stretch marks: I don't think so. Sometimes in the light I think I see some forming on one side of my hips, but I don't care about that too much...at least I don't care now.
Sleep: I DO NOT SLEEP... barely! I wake up constantly due to extreme pain. My hips and legs are on fire and the deep burning wakes me up. I then find it very difficult to roll over onto my other side. As I'm entering my 7th month, I've read that I should no longer sleep on my back, as the weight and pressure from the uterus can cut off some circulation to the baby, so I try to avoid it, but it is hard. I'm exhausted all the time and nap here and there to try and catch up.
Best moment since the last update: I've had a few. I love feeling the baby move and kick. For me, it's not the 'fluttering' that people describe, but rather that funny feeling you get when the elevator drops a bit. It's that kind of 'weird' sensation, but I love it! I also enjoyed shopping for some baby clothes this weekend - it started feeling real. And lastly, I loved getting an entire box of baby clothes from my mother in law - she had saved some of Freddie's blankets, clothing and even his christening outfit. These are old items, many hand knitted and they are adorable!!!
Food cravings: I don't think I have any.
Gender: We have no plans on finding out. Before I felt it might be a girl, but lately I'm wondering if it's a boy...so we'll see.
Belly button in or out? Still in.
Movement: Lots of it and loving it.
What I miss: Due to my disability situation, I've been advised by my legal rep not to share the news with work, so I haven't really told anyone and when I go out in public, I bundle up and 'hide' the baby. I wish I could openly enjoy this and not worry that I might be seen.
What I'm looking forward to: Meeting this little munchkin!
Milestones: We've past the point where the baby becomes viable, so that is a huge relief. I'm not deluding myself that things could go wrong to the very end, but I'm hoping and praying that all will be ok.
Weight gain/loss: I've gained about 27lbs since the start of the pregnancy. It's mostly going into the belly and boobs, which honestly I don't mind :-) I can still wear my old jean with the belly band and I've been in the same pair of pants for a while, so I'm happy about that!
Maternity clothes: Definitely! I'm into Large mat clothes. Most of what I have are clothes I've bought used online. I tried to find some 'nicer' clothing for Christmas this past weekend and was so sad to see how little choice there was and how ugly most of the maternity clothes are. The worst thing is underwear - most places don't carry maternity underwear, and the ones at a Maternity Store are so expensive, that I've been buying L/XL normal undies...oh well, just my little gripe!
Stretch marks: I don't think so. Sometimes in the light I think I see some forming on one side of my hips, but I don't care about that too much...at least I don't care now.
Sleep: I DO NOT SLEEP... barely! I wake up constantly due to extreme pain. My hips and legs are on fire and the deep burning wakes me up. I then find it very difficult to roll over onto my other side. As I'm entering my 7th month, I've read that I should no longer sleep on my back, as the weight and pressure from the uterus can cut off some circulation to the baby, so I try to avoid it, but it is hard. I'm exhausted all the time and nap here and there to try and catch up.
Best moment since the last update: I've had a few. I love feeling the baby move and kick. For me, it's not the 'fluttering' that people describe, but rather that funny feeling you get when the elevator drops a bit. It's that kind of 'weird' sensation, but I love it! I also enjoyed shopping for some baby clothes this weekend - it started feeling real. And lastly, I loved getting an entire box of baby clothes from my mother in law - she had saved some of Freddie's blankets, clothing and even his christening outfit. These are old items, many hand knitted and they are adorable!!!
Food cravings: I don't think I have any.
Gender: We have no plans on finding out. Before I felt it might be a girl, but lately I'm wondering if it's a boy...so we'll see.
Belly button in or out? Still in.
Movement: Lots of it and loving it.
What I miss: Due to my disability situation, I've been advised by my legal rep not to share the news with work, so I haven't really told anyone and when I go out in public, I bundle up and 'hide' the baby. I wish I could openly enjoy this and not worry that I might be seen.
What I'm looking forward to: Meeting this little munchkin!
Milestones: We've past the point where the baby becomes viable, so that is a huge relief. I'm not deluding myself that things could go wrong to the very end, but I'm hoping and praying that all will be ok.
Friday, December 9, 2011
The gift and curse of time
Today, I was thinking about this blog and about the fact that I just don't have time to write lately. I've been consumed with my mom's move, dealing with all the bills and finances [as we are financing the move], my medical stuff, my disability, work worries, etc. And that doesn't even begin to cover my overwhelmed state regarding Christmas - I've only done my cards and NOTHING else.
With all this going on, this blog as well as my diary, has sort of fallen by the wayside ~ and I was reminded of this today when I logged on to see that I had lost a reader. When there are only 31 of you, a loss of one is felt. And I don't blame this person - I just haven't really blogged lately. So I started by catching up on reading some of my blogs, and I was struck by the following words from a blogging friend and fellow BLM, Alissa, over at "On KK's Butterfly Wings", who was reflecting on her 30th birthday:
"We are now the mothers of rainbows. We are the mothers of non-profits. We are the
mothers of memorial events. We are the mothers of blogs. We are the mothers of
memorial and remembrance items. We are the mothers of support groups. And as
we all know, we wouldn't be the mothers of any of that without our babies and the
time that has passed since we said good-bye."
Time is a funny thing. Time can heal. Time can ease the pain. Time can allow me to move forward ~ but time can also make my memories fuzzy. Time can let me focus on today and let yesterday 'slip' away from me. And Time keeps moving forward, whether I want it to or not.
I started thinking about Time today and where I was last year. Last year, I was raw. I was hurting. I was angry. I hated Time. I hated the fact that Sammy wasn't with us. The thought of our sweet babe missing or needing me and being so far away broke my heart [it still does], and it drove me to include Sammy in all I did. Even last year's cards were signed "Joanna * Freddie", with the star being my own way of including Sammy in our lives. No one knew that the little star I made wasn't a Christmas star or simply a fancy ampersand - only I knew that the little star was our baby. I felt proud of finding a way to include Sammy in our cards, even if no one besides me knew...
...and then Time changed everything. With Time, we slowly moved forward. With Time, my rawness scabbed over and scarred. With Time, my anger lessened and turned into pleading and prayers asking God to take care of Sammy and to tell him how much we love and miss him each day. With Time, that sharp, stabbing pain that takes your breath away slowly gave way to a dull ache. Someone told me today that I looked happy, with Time. But today, I find myself thinking of the cards that I signed this year, and I'm ashamed that with Time, I signed them "Joanna & Freddie". How could I allow Time to dull my memory? How could I allow Time to cause me to forget to include Sammy in this year's festivities? How could I let Time focus on the future and the baby to come, and not honour the memory of our sweet Sammy?
The one thing that Time can't change are the hot tears that fall down my face as I miss my child, and as I'm ashamed that I forgot to include him in our card. Time can be a blessing, but it can also be a curse. Will more Time make me forget more? Will more Time diminish Sammy's importance in our lives? With Time, will we focus on the child we have with us, instead of the one we ache for?
Last year, I wanted Time to speed up to and get as far away from all the pain and hurt, hoping to get to a place of some peace... but with Time, I want to go back. I want to have thoughts of Sammy with every breath, instead of a few times a day. In 10 years, will I be one of those women who never speak or acknowledge the child they lost? I hope and pray that Time won't rob me that way.
With all this going on, this blog as well as my diary, has sort of fallen by the wayside ~ and I was reminded of this today when I logged on to see that I had lost a reader. When there are only 31 of you, a loss of one is felt. And I don't blame this person - I just haven't really blogged lately. So I started by catching up on reading some of my blogs, and I was struck by the following words from a blogging friend and fellow BLM, Alissa, over at "On KK's Butterfly Wings", who was reflecting on her 30th birthday:
"We are now the mothers of rainbows. We are the mothers of non-profits. We are the
mothers of memorial events. We are the mothers of blogs. We are the mothers of
memorial and remembrance items. We are the mothers of support groups. And as
we all know, we wouldn't be the mothers of any of that without our babies and the
time that has passed since we said good-bye."
Time is a funny thing. Time can heal. Time can ease the pain. Time can allow me to move forward ~ but time can also make my memories fuzzy. Time can let me focus on today and let yesterday 'slip' away from me. And Time keeps moving forward, whether I want it to or not.
I started thinking about Time today and where I was last year. Last year, I was raw. I was hurting. I was angry. I hated Time. I hated the fact that Sammy wasn't with us. The thought of our sweet babe missing or needing me and being so far away broke my heart [it still does], and it drove me to include Sammy in all I did. Even last year's cards were signed "Joanna * Freddie", with the star being my own way of including Sammy in our lives. No one knew that the little star I made wasn't a Christmas star or simply a fancy ampersand - only I knew that the little star was our baby. I felt proud of finding a way to include Sammy in our cards, even if no one besides me knew...
...and then Time changed everything. With Time, we slowly moved forward. With Time, my rawness scabbed over and scarred. With Time, my anger lessened and turned into pleading and prayers asking God to take care of Sammy and to tell him how much we love and miss him each day. With Time, that sharp, stabbing pain that takes your breath away slowly gave way to a dull ache. Someone told me today that I looked happy, with Time. But today, I find myself thinking of the cards that I signed this year, and I'm ashamed that with Time, I signed them "Joanna & Freddie". How could I allow Time to dull my memory? How could I allow Time to cause me to forget to include Sammy in this year's festivities? How could I let Time focus on the future and the baby to come, and not honour the memory of our sweet Sammy?
The one thing that Time can't change are the hot tears that fall down my face as I miss my child, and as I'm ashamed that I forgot to include him in our card. Time can be a blessing, but it can also be a curse. Will more Time make me forget more? Will more Time diminish Sammy's importance in our lives? With Time, will we focus on the child we have with us, instead of the one we ache for?
Last year, I wanted Time to speed up to and get as far away from all the pain and hurt, hoping to get to a place of some peace... but with Time, I want to go back. I want to have thoughts of Sammy with every breath, instead of a few times a day. In 10 years, will I be one of those women who never speak or acknowledge the child they lost? I hope and pray that Time won't rob me that way.
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