This post is about to get very personal - so you have been warned :-)
I am genuinely looking for input here, especially if you are a practicing Roman Catholic, who can offer some suggestions [although other opinions are valued as well!].
As you are aware, I am a practicing Roman Catholic, and although at time I may not agree with all the 'rules', as a practicing member of my faith, I abide by them. So here is my dilemma - we currently have a 4.5 month old baby who is the joy of our lives, but we don't want another baby for another year or so. Simply put, I wouldn't be able to take care of a baby and deal with pregnancy symptoms [should we be lucky enough to get pregnant right away] or deal with a baby and an infant simultaneously. There is also the little matter of my disability hearing, hopefully this winter, and I know that the issue would come up how I am able to care for one child [let alone 2] while I'm 'claiming' to be disabled and unable to hold a regular, daily job. I would hate for the fact that I'm a mother to ruin my chances to get disability. There is also the issue that with the nasty tendonitis in both hands, they want to start a new treatment next month which is not conducive to being pregnant...and again, for disability purposes I can't refuse medical treatment because I want to get pregnant and expect to be awarded disability. Yes, I know that it's not a fair comparison or a fair question, but I know that it will be an issue... and for personal vanity, I'd like to get back to my pre-pregnancy weight before trying for another baby [and as of today, that is only 15lbs away!!]
So, the dilemma is, knowing that we don't want a baby for at least a year, do I violate my faith and use birth control in order to have a relationship with my husband? The natural method is not an option for me as my periods have never been regular [and I still haven't gotten my period yet]. This is really a dilemma for me, as I believe that in order to go to confession and receive absolution, you need to be repentant and want to make an effort to do better, not simply return to doing the same thing.
I feel stuck. I certainly don't want to reject a baby should God choose to bestow us with one, as I sometimes wonder if we lost Sammy because we had used birth control right after we got married, as we didn't want kids at that point. I am totally aware that this is God's choice as to how many and when I may have children, but for my medical/disability issues it's just not feasible right now. Are there any other options I'm overlooking? For now, we simply don't have time or energy to enjoy each other's company, but I know that won't last forever.
Maybe I'm fretting over nothing. We needed Clomid to get pregnant with Sophie, and it too us over a year to get pregnant with Sammy... but isn't that always the way, when you don't think it will happen, that is just might?
Confused and not sure what choice to make,
Tomorrow, we will honour the second anniversary of Sammy's passing. How hard to believe that TWO years have gone by...and life has changed so very much in that time.
This morning, I went to mass at 7:30am, as it was a mass for Sammy. Sophie, as if knowing that I'd be up, woke up for her morning feed at 5:30 am, instead of the regular 7-7:30am. I made it to church before mass started and lit a candle for our sweet babe. During mass, the intentions mentioned Sammy and I started crying. The reading was about the lesson that we must be like little children in order to get into heaven and I couldn't help but think how lucky that Sammy was already there, living happily with our Lord and the Angels. But I also couldn't help, that like Mary [as I was sitting right by a painting of her and the little candles that you light] although I'm honoured that God chose my child for a purpose and to be with Him, I don't necessarily have to like it. Like Mary, I would have much preferred that the Lord spared my child this path and that our Sammy could be with us instead. That is selfish, I know, but I'm selfish when it comes to my children.
I'll write a letter to Sammy and put it in his memory box tomorrow. We'll also do a balloon release with Sophie and spend some quiet family time. I won't post here tomorrow, as I think I'll spend the day in quiet reflection.
Often, I look at Sophie, and I wonder if Sammy would have looked the same. Would they have shared a similar nose? Similar eyes? I often wonder if Sammy comes to visit Sophie, as she often stares over my shoulder and giggles...a few weeks ago, there was this eerie experience where we were all in bed, but I heard the mobile in her room start to play for a few seconds and stop...was it Sammy checking up on her? I hope so...
Despite being blessed with Sophie, she doesn't completely fill the hole in my heart where Sammy should be. I think of him each and every single day, and I pray daily that he knows how much we love him and miss him, but also that he doesn't feel this pain of separation that I do. It's hard to fathom that I'm a mother to TWO children, but sadly no one recognizes that except for Freddie...it's like it's our little secret.
Loving and missing our angel...
It's no secret that I've always wanted more than one child. Having grown up as an only child, it was lonely childhood. My mom was a single parent and my dad was a no-show in my life due to addiction. If I didn't have cousins and close friends, once my mom is gone, I would be a very lonely girl. I'm fairly private and don't have many friends, but the ones I do have are wonderful. Anyway, this is why I don't want Sophie to grow up alone - I really think that growing up alone led me to be very shy, insecure and lack confidence. I look at my cousin's three boys. The eldest was extremely timid, shy, clingy and had no confidence whatsoever as a little boy - then they had another baby and the eldest became a big brother and acquired instant confidence at showing his little brother how everything worked. I totally saw a change in his demeanour and personality...and that is what I want for Sophie, confidence, to be outgoing and personable, not like her mama.
We are friends with another couple, as the wife went to school with my hubby. This couple are pretty much newlyweds, but over the last year, have lost two angels. This is always such a tough conversation to have, but knowing that she may need info without wanting to have a full on discussion, I emailed her and disclosed our journey to Clomid and eventually a beautiful baby girl with the help of our fertility clinic. I suggested that she make an appointment as they clearly didn't have any issues getting pregnant, but rather staying pregnant and the clinic may be able to offer some help. We hadn't heard anything for weeks, but I kept praying for good news...and last week it came - they are expecting their rainbow in January! I was so thrilled and excited for them...but I'm ashamed to admit, I was a little bit envious. I loved being pregnant so much and can't wait to have another bundle...just not now. So I'm thrilled and excited for them, but each time I think of them, I can't shake this slight feeling of jealousy, and that is weird. I mean these folks deserve this wonderful news, and I don't have anything to be envious of, as my gorgeous rainbow is sleeping upstairs in her crib, surrounded by photos of her older brother...and yet that slight envy is still there.
I'm actually starting to worry that I might not have an 'off' button...we discussed two kids, but what if I want more? I don't know if I could handle more than two kids, but I'm starting to feel the urge for a large family...we'll see what is in God's plan for us... but in the meantime, I feel like I am sinning with my envy...and trust me, I thank the good Lord daily for our rainbow and for our angel...
