May the birth of our Lord fill each of us with love and joy, and a deep knowledge that all our children are spending Christmas with Jesus in heaven. Although we miss them terribly and wish they were here with us, know that they are being taken care of by our Father and allow love, joy and peace to enter your heart and reside there this Christmas and throughout 2012.
Saturday, December 24, 2011
Friday, December 16, 2011
Ouch! What happened??
I don't know what I did. I hurt - a lot. In fact, I can barely move. I can barely walk. I've been on the heating pad for the last few days and spend my entire day in my PJ's yesterday. Let me backtrack...
On Tuesday, I went back to the aqua physio class in the warm water pool. I hadn't gone since we got home from Bermuda as I was busy helping mom unpack at her new place, take care of medical appointments, etc. So I went back to the warm water pool - and let me make it clear: this is a class of seniors and me. So between my medical issues and being in the last trimester of this pregnancy, I am neither graceful nor do I move quickly, even if I tried. I took it easy in class and I don't think I even got winded. I stretched and I didn't overdo it, but I felt my left hip start hurting. By the time it was time to get out of the pool, I couldn't get out! The lifeguard walked over and offered to get the moveable step ladder for me, but I was on the last step by then. That afternoon, I had to hit the grocery store as Freddie was having his work Christmas party the next day and I had promised to make a cabbage dish for him... which I did that afternoon, in a lot of pain.
To make a long story short, I kept feeling worse and in more pain as time went on, and I was less and less mobile. By evening, I couldn't get off the couch without help or get into bed on my own. The night was horrible. I couldn't roll over, couldn't sleep due to the pain...ah, pain, pain and more pain. Over the last 3-4 days, I've improved every so slightly, but honestly, not much. Yesterday, I was able to unload the dishwasher and put a pot of stock on the stove - that's it. It is so hard to roll over or get up off the couch. I use the cane to walk around the house and its so hard to get dressed [and don't get me started on the difficulties with self-hygiene at this time!!].
All of this has me freaked out a little bit. Whenever this has happened in the past, it was precipitated by a huge muscle spasm or I did something or moved in a particular way - but this time, it just got worse and worse. I'm not sure if this is related to the increased pregnancy weight, or if it's part of my 'regular' medical issues. What if this doesn't get better soon? What if this happens when we have a baby? I mean, I can't life a jug of water to pour myself a glass! Luckily, my mom is now a 2-3 minute drive away and my in-laws are 7 minutes away, so I can get help, but it still scares me that I might not be able to pick my baby up from the crib!
Christmas is just around the corner and I am NOT ready at all! The tree isn't up, the gifts aren't wrapped [luckily I shopped on Boxing Day last year], the few gifts left have not been bought and in an act of desperation, Freddie and I decided last night not to get each other gifts at all, as we really don't have the money or the time to run around. With a baby coming, even though I'm buying mostly used items [as long as I can wash it], there will be expenses - but I do hope to pick up a few items at a baby shower in January. I haven't done any baking, decorating, nothing! I only did the cards last month and that is is! So today Freddie is working a 1/2 day, so he'll bring up our artificial tree and then my mom is going to come over and help me dress it - I am still hobbling and barely walking, but I have to start. I don't want to push myself too much, but I also can't be 'resting' all the time. So I'm going to try... and praying that we can get it accomplished by the end of the weekend!
On Tuesday, I went back to the aqua physio class in the warm water pool. I hadn't gone since we got home from Bermuda as I was busy helping mom unpack at her new place, take care of medical appointments, etc. So I went back to the warm water pool - and let me make it clear: this is a class of seniors and me. So between my medical issues and being in the last trimester of this pregnancy, I am neither graceful nor do I move quickly, even if I tried. I took it easy in class and I don't think I even got winded. I stretched and I didn't overdo it, but I felt my left hip start hurting. By the time it was time to get out of the pool, I couldn't get out! The lifeguard walked over and offered to get the moveable step ladder for me, but I was on the last step by then. That afternoon, I had to hit the grocery store as Freddie was having his work Christmas party the next day and I had promised to make a cabbage dish for him... which I did that afternoon, in a lot of pain.
To make a long story short, I kept feeling worse and in more pain as time went on, and I was less and less mobile. By evening, I couldn't get off the couch without help or get into bed on my own. The night was horrible. I couldn't roll over, couldn't sleep due to the pain...ah, pain, pain and more pain. Over the last 3-4 days, I've improved every so slightly, but honestly, not much. Yesterday, I was able to unload the dishwasher and put a pot of stock on the stove - that's it. It is so hard to roll over or get up off the couch. I use the cane to walk around the house and its so hard to get dressed [and don't get me started on the difficulties with self-hygiene at this time!!].
All of this has me freaked out a little bit. Whenever this has happened in the past, it was precipitated by a huge muscle spasm or I did something or moved in a particular way - but this time, it just got worse and worse. I'm not sure if this is related to the increased pregnancy weight, or if it's part of my 'regular' medical issues. What if this doesn't get better soon? What if this happens when we have a baby? I mean, I can't life a jug of water to pour myself a glass! Luckily, my mom is now a 2-3 minute drive away and my in-laws are 7 minutes away, so I can get help, but it still scares me that I might not be able to pick my baby up from the crib!
Christmas is just around the corner and I am NOT ready at all! The tree isn't up, the gifts aren't wrapped [luckily I shopped on Boxing Day last year], the few gifts left have not been bought and in an act of desperation, Freddie and I decided last night not to get each other gifts at all, as we really don't have the money or the time to run around. With a baby coming, even though I'm buying mostly used items [as long as I can wash it], there will be expenses - but I do hope to pick up a few items at a baby shower in January. I haven't done any baking, decorating, nothing! I only did the cards last month and that is is! So today Freddie is working a 1/2 day, so he'll bring up our artificial tree and then my mom is going to come over and help me dress it - I am still hobbling and barely walking, but I have to start. I don't want to push myself too much, but I also can't be 'resting' all the time. So I'm going to try... and praying that we can get it accomplished by the end of the weekend!
P.S.
I did start knitting a baby bootie last night - I got 1/3 of it done. I'm trying to follow a pattern with YouTube guidance, but it's not easy. Most people knit 'backwards', as I'm used to moving my needle through the yarn, but most of the videos on YouTube wrap the yarn around the needle, which is a bit different. Anyway, wish me luck!
Monday, December 12, 2011
Updating how "we're" doing
How far along: Completed 25 weeks today. I can't believe that we're entering our 7th month!!
Weight gain/loss: I've gained about 27lbs since the start of the pregnancy. It's mostly going into the belly and boobs, which honestly I don't mind :-) I can still wear my old jean with the belly band and I've been in the same pair of pants for a while, so I'm happy about that!
Maternity clothes: Definitely! I'm into Large mat clothes. Most of what I have are clothes I've bought used online. I tried to find some 'nicer' clothing for Christmas this past weekend and was so sad to see how little choice there was and how ugly most of the maternity clothes are. The worst thing is underwear - most places don't carry maternity underwear, and the ones at a Maternity Store are so expensive, that I've been buying L/XL normal undies...oh well, just my little gripe!
Stretch marks: I don't think so. Sometimes in the light I think I see some forming on one side of my hips, but I don't care about that too much...at least I don't care now.
Sleep: I DO NOT SLEEP... barely! I wake up constantly due to extreme pain. My hips and legs are on fire and the deep burning wakes me up. I then find it very difficult to roll over onto my other side. As I'm entering my 7th month, I've read that I should no longer sleep on my back, as the weight and pressure from the uterus can cut off some circulation to the baby, so I try to avoid it, but it is hard. I'm exhausted all the time and nap here and there to try and catch up.
Best moment since the last update: I've had a few. I love feeling the baby move and kick. For me, it's not the 'fluttering' that people describe, but rather that funny feeling you get when the elevator drops a bit. It's that kind of 'weird' sensation, but I love it! I also enjoyed shopping for some baby clothes this weekend - it started feeling real. And lastly, I loved getting an entire box of baby clothes from my mother in law - she had saved some of Freddie's blankets, clothing and even his christening outfit. These are old items, many hand knitted and they are adorable!!!
Food cravings: I don't think I have any.
Gender: We have no plans on finding out. Before I felt it might be a girl, but lately I'm wondering if it's a boy...so we'll see.
Belly button in or out? Still in.
Movement: Lots of it and loving it.
What I miss: Due to my disability situation, I've been advised by my legal rep not to share the news with work, so I haven't really told anyone and when I go out in public, I bundle up and 'hide' the baby. I wish I could openly enjoy this and not worry that I might be seen.
What I'm looking forward to: Meeting this little munchkin!
Milestones: We've past the point where the baby becomes viable, so that is a huge relief. I'm not deluding myself that things could go wrong to the very end, but I'm hoping and praying that all will be ok.
Weight gain/loss: I've gained about 27lbs since the start of the pregnancy. It's mostly going into the belly and boobs, which honestly I don't mind :-) I can still wear my old jean with the belly band and I've been in the same pair of pants for a while, so I'm happy about that!
Maternity clothes: Definitely! I'm into Large mat clothes. Most of what I have are clothes I've bought used online. I tried to find some 'nicer' clothing for Christmas this past weekend and was so sad to see how little choice there was and how ugly most of the maternity clothes are. The worst thing is underwear - most places don't carry maternity underwear, and the ones at a Maternity Store are so expensive, that I've been buying L/XL normal undies...oh well, just my little gripe!
Stretch marks: I don't think so. Sometimes in the light I think I see some forming on one side of my hips, but I don't care about that too much...at least I don't care now.
Sleep: I DO NOT SLEEP... barely! I wake up constantly due to extreme pain. My hips and legs are on fire and the deep burning wakes me up. I then find it very difficult to roll over onto my other side. As I'm entering my 7th month, I've read that I should no longer sleep on my back, as the weight and pressure from the uterus can cut off some circulation to the baby, so I try to avoid it, but it is hard. I'm exhausted all the time and nap here and there to try and catch up.
Best moment since the last update: I've had a few. I love feeling the baby move and kick. For me, it's not the 'fluttering' that people describe, but rather that funny feeling you get when the elevator drops a bit. It's that kind of 'weird' sensation, but I love it! I also enjoyed shopping for some baby clothes this weekend - it started feeling real. And lastly, I loved getting an entire box of baby clothes from my mother in law - she had saved some of Freddie's blankets, clothing and even his christening outfit. These are old items, many hand knitted and they are adorable!!!
Food cravings: I don't think I have any.
Gender: We have no plans on finding out. Before I felt it might be a girl, but lately I'm wondering if it's a boy...so we'll see.
Belly button in or out? Still in.
Movement: Lots of it and loving it.
What I miss: Due to my disability situation, I've been advised by my legal rep not to share the news with work, so I haven't really told anyone and when I go out in public, I bundle up and 'hide' the baby. I wish I could openly enjoy this and not worry that I might be seen.
What I'm looking forward to: Meeting this little munchkin!
Milestones: We've past the point where the baby becomes viable, so that is a huge relief. I'm not deluding myself that things could go wrong to the very end, but I'm hoping and praying that all will be ok.
Friday, December 9, 2011
The gift and curse of time
Today, I was thinking about this blog and about the fact that I just don't have time to write lately. I've been consumed with my mom's move, dealing with all the bills and finances [as we are financing the move], my medical stuff, my disability, work worries, etc. And that doesn't even begin to cover my overwhelmed state regarding Christmas - I've only done my cards and NOTHING else.
With all this going on, this blog as well as my diary, has sort of fallen by the wayside ~ and I was reminded of this today when I logged on to see that I had lost a reader. When there are only 31 of you, a loss of one is felt. And I don't blame this person - I just haven't really blogged lately. So I started by catching up on reading some of my blogs, and I was struck by the following words from a blogging friend and fellow BLM, Alissa, over at "On KK's Butterfly Wings", who was reflecting on her 30th birthday:
"We are now the mothers of rainbows. We are the mothers of non-profits. We are the
mothers of memorial events. We are the mothers of blogs. We are the mothers of
memorial and remembrance items. We are the mothers of support groups. And as
we all know, we wouldn't be the mothers of any of that without our babies and the
time that has passed since we said good-bye."
Time is a funny thing. Time can heal. Time can ease the pain. Time can allow me to move forward ~ but time can also make my memories fuzzy. Time can let me focus on today and let yesterday 'slip' away from me. And Time keeps moving forward, whether I want it to or not.
I started thinking about Time today and where I was last year. Last year, I was raw. I was hurting. I was angry. I hated Time. I hated the fact that Sammy wasn't with us. The thought of our sweet babe missing or needing me and being so far away broke my heart [it still does], and it drove me to include Sammy in all I did. Even last year's cards were signed "Joanna * Freddie", with the star being my own way of including Sammy in our lives. No one knew that the little star I made wasn't a Christmas star or simply a fancy ampersand - only I knew that the little star was our baby. I felt proud of finding a way to include Sammy in our cards, even if no one besides me knew...
...and then Time changed everything. With Time, we slowly moved forward. With Time, my rawness scabbed over and scarred. With Time, my anger lessened and turned into pleading and prayers asking God to take care of Sammy and to tell him how much we love and miss him each day. With Time, that sharp, stabbing pain that takes your breath away slowly gave way to a dull ache. Someone told me today that I looked happy, with Time. But today, I find myself thinking of the cards that I signed this year, and I'm ashamed that with Time, I signed them "Joanna & Freddie". How could I allow Time to dull my memory? How could I allow Time to cause me to forget to include Sammy in this year's festivities? How could I let Time focus on the future and the baby to come, and not honour the memory of our sweet Sammy?
The one thing that Time can't change are the hot tears that fall down my face as I miss my child, and as I'm ashamed that I forgot to include him in our card. Time can be a blessing, but it can also be a curse. Will more Time make me forget more? Will more Time diminish Sammy's importance in our lives? With Time, will we focus on the child we have with us, instead of the one we ache for?
Last year, I wanted Time to speed up to and get as far away from all the pain and hurt, hoping to get to a place of some peace... but with Time, I want to go back. I want to have thoughts of Sammy with every breath, instead of a few times a day. In 10 years, will I be one of those women who never speak or acknowledge the child they lost? I hope and pray that Time won't rob me that way.
With all this going on, this blog as well as my diary, has sort of fallen by the wayside ~ and I was reminded of this today when I logged on to see that I had lost a reader. When there are only 31 of you, a loss of one is felt. And I don't blame this person - I just haven't really blogged lately. So I started by catching up on reading some of my blogs, and I was struck by the following words from a blogging friend and fellow BLM, Alissa, over at "On KK's Butterfly Wings", who was reflecting on her 30th birthday:
"We are now the mothers of rainbows. We are the mothers of non-profits. We are the
mothers of memorial events. We are the mothers of blogs. We are the mothers of
memorial and remembrance items. We are the mothers of support groups. And as
we all know, we wouldn't be the mothers of any of that without our babies and the
time that has passed since we said good-bye."
Time is a funny thing. Time can heal. Time can ease the pain. Time can allow me to move forward ~ but time can also make my memories fuzzy. Time can let me focus on today and let yesterday 'slip' away from me. And Time keeps moving forward, whether I want it to or not.
I started thinking about Time today and where I was last year. Last year, I was raw. I was hurting. I was angry. I hated Time. I hated the fact that Sammy wasn't with us. The thought of our sweet babe missing or needing me and being so far away broke my heart [it still does], and it drove me to include Sammy in all I did. Even last year's cards were signed "Joanna * Freddie", with the star being my own way of including Sammy in our lives. No one knew that the little star I made wasn't a Christmas star or simply a fancy ampersand - only I knew that the little star was our baby. I felt proud of finding a way to include Sammy in our cards, even if no one besides me knew...
...and then Time changed everything. With Time, we slowly moved forward. With Time, my rawness scabbed over and scarred. With Time, my anger lessened and turned into pleading and prayers asking God to take care of Sammy and to tell him how much we love and miss him each day. With Time, that sharp, stabbing pain that takes your breath away slowly gave way to a dull ache. Someone told me today that I looked happy, with Time. But today, I find myself thinking of the cards that I signed this year, and I'm ashamed that with Time, I signed them "Joanna & Freddie". How could I allow Time to dull my memory? How could I allow Time to cause me to forget to include Sammy in this year's festivities? How could I let Time focus on the future and the baby to come, and not honour the memory of our sweet Sammy?
The one thing that Time can't change are the hot tears that fall down my face as I miss my child, and as I'm ashamed that I forgot to include him in our card. Time can be a blessing, but it can also be a curse. Will more Time make me forget more? Will more Time diminish Sammy's importance in our lives? With Time, will we focus on the child we have with us, instead of the one we ache for?
Last year, I wanted Time to speed up to and get as far away from all the pain and hurt, hoping to get to a place of some peace... but with Time, I want to go back. I want to have thoughts of Sammy with every breath, instead of a few times a day. In 10 years, will I be one of those women who never speak or acknowledge the child they lost? I hope and pray that Time won't rob me that way.
Monday, November 21, 2011
And the storms keep brewing...
We're back! We had a really wonderful time in Bermuda. It wasn't the type of vacation that I normally take, as I love the beach and SCUBA diving, but it was nice to get away with Freddie, hold hands and snuggle.
The weather was in the low 20's [Celsius of course], which is about mid-70's F. The days were a mix of sun and cloud, with the last day being a bit rainy. We spent a few hours on two occasions enjoying the beach, although the water was too cold to get in past the navel. We rented a scooter and drove all over the island - but let's be honest, it was not easy for me to get on or off normally, but the added bump of the pregnancy really made it difficult. We saw all kinds of amazing sights, especially the colourful houses and great ocean views. We did every touristy thing we could, and I admit that I pushed myself probably more than I should have, but I am in pain daily, so the trade-off of increased pain for incredible memories was worth it...plus I knew I'd be resting when I got home. I have to admit that my butt and tailbone still hurt today, and we've been home for 2 days now. We enjoyed lots of great local fish, and I even had a bit of rum cake...and boy was it doused with rum!! The evenings were quiet and we were in bed usually by 9 or 10pm, but considering that I am chronically ill and pregnant to boot, the slower pace of this vacation was just right for me. The sad thing was that the three pools at the complex were not heated, and the only one that was, was barely tepid. One night we did try the 'heated' pool, but I knew it was a mistake the minute the water was past my knees. By the time I was fully submerged, the cold actually made my breasts hurt! It was like being stabbed with a thousand knives, and the fabric rubbing my nipples was agonizing. I had never experienced anything like this - and we never used that pool again.
On our way back from the airport, we picked up the mail and Freddie found a letter from the government agency administering our federal disability program. I was scared to open it and felt my knees get a little weak. Freddie encouraged me that the letter was thick, so perhaps that was good news for us. So I took a deep breath and opened it...immediately I saw '...we regret to inform you....'. I had tears in my eyes and felt like I had been sucker-punched. I was mad and so disappointed! I knew that the general practice is to deny all first-time applications in hopes that the applicant will give up and weed out the 'fakers' out there, but I still felt like they were saying 'you're fine, this is all in your head'. I actually thought I'd throw up I was so upset. All the relaxation and fun we had just had vanished, and I was back in the dumps.
So I've already booked my appointment with a paralegal specializing in disability cases and we'll see what he says, if I have a chance at winning, etc. I know that this is going to be a long road ahead, but I hope that the fact that I'm going to go on mat leave will extend my sick time and give me longer to file appeals. The committee totally ignored the new evidence of additional herniated discs in my lower back and several in my neck, combined with the new diagnosis of fibromyalgia, but chose instead to focus on the fact that I had a small nerve impingement 5 years ago, which had lessened on the last MRI... but I have 4 new herniated discs around that area! They also cited the neurosurgeon's letter which indicated that I was not a candidate for surgery and that I may find some relief from the pain with time...but they ignored the fact that I'm not a candidate for surgery as they can only do one disc replacement and I have multiple disc problems combined with the fact that they can't determine which disc is the most problematic. So he recommended that since he can't really help me, that perhaps I may find relief in time with the disc issues...but that doesn't even take into consideration the constant problems with fibromyalgia. I just feel so beat up and tired of this - and I know I have a big battle ahead.
If I lose, I will have no choice but return to work somehow and try to make it through the day. I mean I'm not surprised that I was denied, but I was hoping that maybe, just maybe, things were going to start getting a bit easier after all the rough times we've dealt with over the last 2 years...so I am so very disappointed and sad. I'm back to feeling uncertain about my future and feeling like I'm hanging in limbo and frankly a bit scared of how things will turn out. I know I can't work at the same level as before, so when I do go back to work, I know that sooner or later I'll be let go as there will be no way that I can be as productive as before. I mean, the physical difficulties with standing/sitting/walking are obvious, but when I'm in pain I get testy and can't focus. The other part is that due to all the meds my focus, concentration and memory has gone to hell. I read something three or four times to make sense of it, I can't remember simple things, I can't focus long enough to make a decision or get through a conversation - how am I supposed to oversee staff and run a department when I can get barely through the daily routine?? And if I am let go for that reason, then I know I have a wrongful dismissal suit, but that is again more lawyers and court time... Oh, it just isn't looking good anytime soon. Please pray for me that somehow this gets resolved...I'm just so scared that I'll end up with no job, no health coverage [my meds are not cheap], no money and no future. Oh God, help me please!!!
The weather was in the low 20's [Celsius of course], which is about mid-70's F. The days were a mix of sun and cloud, with the last day being a bit rainy. We spent a few hours on two occasions enjoying the beach, although the water was too cold to get in past the navel. We rented a scooter and drove all over the island - but let's be honest, it was not easy for me to get on or off normally, but the added bump of the pregnancy really made it difficult. We saw all kinds of amazing sights, especially the colourful houses and great ocean views. We did every touristy thing we could, and I admit that I pushed myself probably more than I should have, but I am in pain daily, so the trade-off of increased pain for incredible memories was worth it...plus I knew I'd be resting when I got home. I have to admit that my butt and tailbone still hurt today, and we've been home for 2 days now. We enjoyed lots of great local fish, and I even had a bit of rum cake...and boy was it doused with rum!! The evenings were quiet and we were in bed usually by 9 or 10pm, but considering that I am chronically ill and pregnant to boot, the slower pace of this vacation was just right for me. The sad thing was that the three pools at the complex were not heated, and the only one that was, was barely tepid. One night we did try the 'heated' pool, but I knew it was a mistake the minute the water was past my knees. By the time I was fully submerged, the cold actually made my breasts hurt! It was like being stabbed with a thousand knives, and the fabric rubbing my nipples was agonizing. I had never experienced anything like this - and we never used that pool again.
On our way back from the airport, we picked up the mail and Freddie found a letter from the government agency administering our federal disability program. I was scared to open it and felt my knees get a little weak. Freddie encouraged me that the letter was thick, so perhaps that was good news for us. So I took a deep breath and opened it...immediately I saw '...we regret to inform you....'. I had tears in my eyes and felt like I had been sucker-punched. I was mad and so disappointed! I knew that the general practice is to deny all first-time applications in hopes that the applicant will give up and weed out the 'fakers' out there, but I still felt like they were saying 'you're fine, this is all in your head'. I actually thought I'd throw up I was so upset. All the relaxation and fun we had just had vanished, and I was back in the dumps.
So I've already booked my appointment with a paralegal specializing in disability cases and we'll see what he says, if I have a chance at winning, etc. I know that this is going to be a long road ahead, but I hope that the fact that I'm going to go on mat leave will extend my sick time and give me longer to file appeals. The committee totally ignored the new evidence of additional herniated discs in my lower back and several in my neck, combined with the new diagnosis of fibromyalgia, but chose instead to focus on the fact that I had a small nerve impingement 5 years ago, which had lessened on the last MRI... but I have 4 new herniated discs around that area! They also cited the neurosurgeon's letter which indicated that I was not a candidate for surgery and that I may find some relief from the pain with time...but they ignored the fact that I'm not a candidate for surgery as they can only do one disc replacement and I have multiple disc problems combined with the fact that they can't determine which disc is the most problematic. So he recommended that since he can't really help me, that perhaps I may find relief in time with the disc issues...but that doesn't even take into consideration the constant problems with fibromyalgia. I just feel so beat up and tired of this - and I know I have a big battle ahead.
If I lose, I will have no choice but return to work somehow and try to make it through the day. I mean I'm not surprised that I was denied, but I was hoping that maybe, just maybe, things were going to start getting a bit easier after all the rough times we've dealt with over the last 2 years...so I am so very disappointed and sad. I'm back to feeling uncertain about my future and feeling like I'm hanging in limbo and frankly a bit scared of how things will turn out. I know I can't work at the same level as before, so when I do go back to work, I know that sooner or later I'll be let go as there will be no way that I can be as productive as before. I mean, the physical difficulties with standing/sitting/walking are obvious, but when I'm in pain I get testy and can't focus. The other part is that due to all the meds my focus, concentration and memory has gone to hell. I read something three or four times to make sense of it, I can't remember simple things, I can't focus long enough to make a decision or get through a conversation - how am I supposed to oversee staff and run a department when I can get barely through the daily routine?? And if I am let go for that reason, then I know I have a wrongful dismissal suit, but that is again more lawyers and court time... Oh, it just isn't looking good anytime soon. Please pray for me that somehow this gets resolved...I'm just so scared that I'll end up with no job, no health coverage [my meds are not cheap], no money and no future. Oh God, help me please!!!
Wednesday, November 9, 2011
Taking a 'Babymoon'
I'm very excited to share with you that at the end of the week, we are leaving for a one week 'Babymoon' in Bermuda. We had booked this over a year ago, before we had any hope of conceiving again and it just so happened to work out that I'll be at the start of my 21st week when we are there. You see, my in-laws had invited us to join them for one week at their time share and we were thrilled to be invited [after hinting for so many years!!].
The pregnancy is progressing well and my nausea and vomiting are subsiding, finally! I'm still taking Diclectin, which is helping A LOT! Since we had booked this so long ago, I really wasn't getting overly excited, but lately I've been so exhausted and swamped, as I'm also dealing with selling my mom's property and moving her to a new home, so between dealing with utilities and running from lawyer to realtor, dealing with my own medical appointments and starting to get ready for the baby and dealing with 'normal' pregnancy stuff, I just feel overwhelmed and exhausted. Freddie also has been pulling double duty with full time work and dealing with painting the new house top to bottom and dealing with all sorts of instal stuff. So this vacation couldn't have come at a better time for both of us as we're tired and feel like we're both burning the candle at both ends. Whew, we need this time away...and after dealing with all my medical stuff, my disability leave, the loss of Sammy and the lack of a vacation in 2 years, I think it's time that went away and relaxed a little bit...and I can't wait!!
We'll be staying in a 2 bedroom condo with my in-laws, but they have been going there each year for over 50 years, so I doubt that they will be tagging along with us too much. So I'm packing my cane, my pain meds, my back brace and hoping that the warm weather will ease the pain a little bit and let me enjoy this.
As for 'junior', I'm feeling slight movements, but I really have to take time to pay attention and focus. There are slight movements and little kicks, but I admit that I deal with constipation and gas bubbles all year round, so I often mistake movements for my normal digestive system. If Freddie lays his hand on my tummy, he can sometimes feel little flutters as well. We're both looking forward to feeling more and more of these as times goes by...and I know my in-laws will also enjoy spending an entire week with us and seeing us daily, especially during the pregnancy [as they do tend to get jealous of the time I spend with my mom].
So forgive me if I'm gone for a week - I'll be thinking of you all and praying for all of you and your specific situations. I may not comment on all your posts, but I do think of you all often.
See you soon!
Friday, October 28, 2011
Introducing...
Today we had our anatomy scan, which was fantastic!!
We were in there for almost 90 minutes and the tech gave us a really nice tour of all the body parts. "Junior" was very active and kept making us laugh by constantly yawning and moving around. The tech even commented that "Junior" was really, really active! To make a long story short, all is good. No signs of spina bifida or any defects. She then surprised us by switching to the 3D/4D wand and we go to see our little munchin...and I breathed a sigh of relief to see that we make cute babies and that this little one is so very, very cute. I mean all babies are cute, but let's be honest...some need to grow into their features, but it was so nice to see our little "Junior" is absolutely adorable...and you can even check out the hairline - this kid is going to have a full head of hair, as this is only 18.5 weeks!
Then we got to see a really clear shot of "Junior's" big feet - look at this, how clear all the toes are! We were joking that the baby inherited Freddie's flat feet...actually, hope not! The clinic actually asked to use this as one of their stock photos and we happily agreed, as the shot is really neat.
So all in all it was a great visit. We didn't expect the 3D shots, but it sure was a nice surprise! And so relieved and happy that everything is looking good and on track!!
We were in there for almost 90 minutes and the tech gave us a really nice tour of all the body parts. "Junior" was very active and kept making us laugh by constantly yawning and moving around. The tech even commented that "Junior" was really, really active! To make a long story short, all is good. No signs of spina bifida or any defects. She then surprised us by switching to the 3D/4D wand and we go to see our little munchin...and I breathed a sigh of relief to see that we make cute babies and that this little one is so very, very cute. I mean all babies are cute, but let's be honest...some need to grow into their features, but it was so nice to see our little "Junior" is absolutely adorable...and you can even check out the hairline - this kid is going to have a full head of hair, as this is only 18.5 weeks!
Then we got to see a really clear shot of "Junior's" big feet - look at this, how clear all the toes are! We were joking that the baby inherited Freddie's flat feet...actually, hope not! The clinic actually asked to use this as one of their stock photos and we happily agreed, as the shot is really neat.
So all in all it was a great visit. We didn't expect the 3D shots, but it sure was a nice surprise! And so relieved and happy that everything is looking good and on track!!
Monday, October 24, 2011
I stepped on the scale....and Oh MY!!!
Oh dear, how do I fess up to this? I don't feel 'fat', but the scale clearly says I am :-(
So I guess I should divulge the number right? OK...here goes....I've gained approx 20lbs and I'm in my 18th week [4.5 months]!!! Now, I was weighed at my last appointment, but that was about 6lbs ago, and I was told that it was ok, but seeing the number this morning was a shock! I did do some online searching and the info is random that I had sites quoting normal pregnancy weight gain at 11-25lbs over the entire pregnancy, to 20-45lbs. So if it's the latter, I'm ok...but if its the former, I'm in trouble!
I know how I did this...I haven't been eating well and I know it. Normally, I make sure to eat lots of fruits and veggies, but honestly, with all the morning sickness and vomiting, I've been eating more and more often, as an empty stomach leads to worse nausea. To top it off, the acid in fruit or fruit juices would induce vomiting, so I have not been eating a lot of fruits or veggies. It's been carbs, carbs and carbs. I try to get whole grains in, but I'm not always successful. So now that the nausea seems to have curbed, I'm hoping that I can decrease my food volume and get back to fruits and veggies. I even had a salad on Saturday and it stayed down!!
We have our anatomy scan on Friday, so I'm sure I'll be weighed at that point and get the official info from my doc then. I've never been a stick figure, as pre-pregnancy I was a size 10 and weighed approx 165lbs on a 5'7 frame. I don't feel heavy or look it, but the baby bump is actually a baby belly already. I'm still wearing my pre-pregnancy jeans, just with a belly band as I clearly can't do them up. I met for lunch with a friend of mine who is also pregnant, but she is 6.5 months along, compared to my 4.5, and I swear that our bellies are about the same size!!!! So needless to say, I'm not overly worried about this weight gain, as pregnancy is no time to diet...but I do plan to decrease my volume a little bit and get back to my fruits and veggies. And by volume, I mean that I will halve my breakfasts and lunches, which for the last while were 2 pieces of toast/sandwiches, and I think that since the nausea isn't bugging me as much I should be OK with 1 sandwich or piece of toast and use fruits/veggies as snacks in between.
Thanks for letting me whine about this,
So I guess I should divulge the number right? OK...here goes....I've gained approx 20lbs and I'm in my 18th week [4.5 months]!!! Now, I was weighed at my last appointment, but that was about 6lbs ago, and I was told that it was ok, but seeing the number this morning was a shock! I did do some online searching and the info is random that I had sites quoting normal pregnancy weight gain at 11-25lbs over the entire pregnancy, to 20-45lbs. So if it's the latter, I'm ok...but if its the former, I'm in trouble!
I know how I did this...I haven't been eating well and I know it. Normally, I make sure to eat lots of fruits and veggies, but honestly, with all the morning sickness and vomiting, I've been eating more and more often, as an empty stomach leads to worse nausea. To top it off, the acid in fruit or fruit juices would induce vomiting, so I have not been eating a lot of fruits or veggies. It's been carbs, carbs and carbs. I try to get whole grains in, but I'm not always successful. So now that the nausea seems to have curbed, I'm hoping that I can decrease my food volume and get back to fruits and veggies. I even had a salad on Saturday and it stayed down!!
We have our anatomy scan on Friday, so I'm sure I'll be weighed at that point and get the official info from my doc then. I've never been a stick figure, as pre-pregnancy I was a size 10 and weighed approx 165lbs on a 5'7 frame. I don't feel heavy or look it, but the baby bump is actually a baby belly already. I'm still wearing my pre-pregnancy jeans, just with a belly band as I clearly can't do them up. I met for lunch with a friend of mine who is also pregnant, but she is 6.5 months along, compared to my 4.5, and I swear that our bellies are about the same size!!!! So needless to say, I'm not overly worried about this weight gain, as pregnancy is no time to diet...but I do plan to decrease my volume a little bit and get back to my fruits and veggies. And by volume, I mean that I will halve my breakfasts and lunches, which for the last while were 2 pieces of toast/sandwiches, and I think that since the nausea isn't bugging me as much I should be OK with 1 sandwich or piece of toast and use fruits/veggies as snacks in between.
Thanks for letting me whine about this,
Monday, October 17, 2011
4th Wedding Anniversary
Last week, we celebrated our fourth wedding anniversary. It is so hard to believe how quickly time flies! I guess that means we've been together for approximately 6-7 years now. Wow, it's funny how it just seems like we have been together from the very beginning.When I think back to that lovely October day, I remember that it was gorgeous and sunny, but fairly cool. I remember that I wasn't nervous at all - I knew what I was getting into [in fact, I agonized over my answer to the proposal, but once I said "Yes", there was no second guessing, no 'cold feet', no second thoughts]. I remember all the love that was in the church, with all our friends and family there - which I'm sure several of them were thinking "Finally", as we were both 33 at the time. I remember all the well wishes, all the hugs and all the dreams for what our future would look like...
We all go into marriage planning happy times, but never thinking what might happen when our dreams don't exactly come true. Our dreams never included Freddie getting downsized and finding himself unemployed, or me having to leave my job and go on disability due to health reasons, or Freddie taking a job which included a 2 hour daily commute, or the cancer scare with his mom, or the close-to-death experience with my grandmother, or the difficulty with getting pregnant, then the joy, only to lead to such sadness and despair when we lost our baby, or the agony and loneliness of feeling that it was just the two of us mourning our child, or..... the list goes on and on and on. When I think of all we have been through in four short years, I sometimes feel like we've lived an entire lifetime in these 48 months. But through it all, I never felt alone - I always had Freddie by my side, supporting me, propping me up when I needed it, and most importantly always loving me.
When we think of marriage, we only think of the good times, but in truth, it's the hard times that make us stronger as people and as a couple. I can honestly say that in each of those 1460 days, I have loved my husband more and more, more than the day before. My husband has truly become my 'other half', my absolute best friend, my biggest champion and the only love of my life. With Freddie's love and support, I'm much more comfortable in my own skin, knowing who I am and what I stand for. I cannot imagine my life without him - and now, expecting our second child, I once again look forward to what our life will be like with our baby in the house. But should God have other plans for us, I know that Freddie will be there to love and support me, no matter what situation we find ourselves in. Freddie has truly been the greatest gift and blessing. Looking forward to another lifetime with you Honey!!!
Saturday, October 15, 2011
October 15th - Pregnancy & Infant Loss
If you are located in Canada, and especially Ontario, please support the Perinatal Bereavement Society of Ontario in their attempt to pass legislation to have October 15 recognized as Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day in Ontario. You can send a sample letter that they have available on their site [ http://pbso.ca/main/?page_id=807 ]directly to your MPP to support this cause. I sent a letter last year and I'll be sending a letter again this year. Thank you for your support.
Wednesday, October 12, 2011
Forgiving or Forgetting
I had an interesting exchange with a priest in confession today. Now, normally, I don't share the details of what I'm confessing with anyone, as that is exclusively between God, the priest and me, but today, the priest said something that made me pause and think.
Now, I will admit, that over the years, I have had trouble with forgiveness. Forgiveness is hard
and today as I was preparing for confession, it occurred to me how God forgives us for everything, doesn't hold a grudge or hang onto that anger. So if God can forgive me over and over, why do I have such difficulty with this? This doesn't meant that I haven't tried. I try to resolve my feelings about the situation and I try to get past it, as really, in the end, forgiveness is more for me than for the other person. In the situation of which I'm thinking, a relative posted my personal family information online in a public place for all to see - I'm sure you're thinking what is the big deal? The big deal was that this person listed all of my father's previous relationships online, and to top it off listed these women as my father's wives, when in fact they were girlfriends. This was not only incredibly hurtful to me and my mother [who was the only wife], but it also opened up the door for unknown relatives to crawl out of the woodwork. I do know that I have an older step-brother, but we've never met, I don't know his name and I have no interest in establishing a familial bond with this person. With the advancement of the internet, this relative almost put a target on me in case this long lost relative was looking for me. I was and am still upset, as I feel strongly that this is my private information and that this person, relative or not, violated privacy laws. I've expressed my anger to this individual and we no longer speak. So I'm certain that this relative doesn't care if I forgive or not... but I do.
So while confessing, I explained that I try to forgive and move past it, but each time I see this person, it all comes back and I don't feel like I've moved on. The priest, quietly and wisely pointed out to me, that perhaps this is the memory of that situation and the associated anger which surfaces, and not necessarily the lack of forgiveness. That really made me pause and think - perhaps I have forgiven, but I just can't seem to forget?? Perhaps he is correct, that it is the memory of that betrayal which reappears. I do admit that the anger is still there when I think about it. So perhaps I need to work on filing that memory away and keeping it tucked out of sight.
I've forgiven, but I clearly haven't forgotten as I feel like I can't trust this person with any of my information or any news pertaining to my immediate family. I've made the conscious decision to not associate with them any further and have not invited them to my home or family festivities if they are at our house. We do, however, still see each other at major Holidays and general family functions. We are cordial, but nothing more. I just want to get to the point where I can be cordial and mean it, without fuming inside. How do you forget? How do you compartmentalize your feelings and be a mature adult about these things? How do you become the 'bigger' person and rise above it?
Now, I will admit, that over the years, I have had trouble with forgiveness. Forgiveness is hard
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| From: Catholic Unveiled |
So while confessing, I explained that I try to forgive and move past it, but each time I see this person, it all comes back and I don't feel like I've moved on. The priest, quietly and wisely pointed out to me, that perhaps this is the memory of that situation and the associated anger which surfaces, and not necessarily the lack of forgiveness. That really made me pause and think - perhaps I have forgiven, but I just can't seem to forget?? Perhaps he is correct, that it is the memory of that betrayal which reappears. I do admit that the anger is still there when I think about it. So perhaps I need to work on filing that memory away and keeping it tucked out of sight.
I've forgiven, but I clearly haven't forgotten as I feel like I can't trust this person with any of my information or any news pertaining to my immediate family. I've made the conscious decision to not associate with them any further and have not invited them to my home or family festivities if they are at our house. We do, however, still see each other at major Holidays and general family functions. We are cordial, but nothing more. I just want to get to the point where I can be cordial and mean it, without fuming inside. How do you forget? How do you compartmentalize your feelings and be a mature adult about these things? How do you become the 'bigger' person and rise above it?
Thursday, September 29, 2011
Giving it all to God
I thought that this pregnancy would be different.
I didn't think that I'd feel this way.
But in a strange way, I'm at peace.
I expected to be worried, full of anxiety and stress. Based on what others have told me and based on what I've read, I didn't even expect to enjoy this pregnancy. I thought that the worry and stress from thinking about the possibility of losing this baby too would overshadow the entire experience... but I'm strangely peaceful and I trust that this baby will be coming home with us.
I pray. I speak to God. And I know that He loves me. I've never been one to blame God for what happens to me. Ever since I was a child, I also felt a special connection to God - simply put, I felt loved. I know that early on it was the simple naivete of a child growing up with a single parent, praying that my 'magical' father in heaven would make sure that I was OK...but as I matured, I realized that I found strength and comfort in God. I couldn't achieve anything without HIM. I remember praying as a child, after the death of my dad, that God would protect my mom so that I wouldn't be an orphan - and now I thank God that He protected me. And so it is now with this pregnancy. It is an eerie calm and a feeling of peace, knowing that God is watching over us. I remember having this exact same feeling when we left the Emergency Room - the doctor indicated that this was probably nothing and to go home and monitor the situation - as we walked outside, I knew that God was with us and no harm would come to Sammy. Well, I was wrong, the harm did come, but I never felt alone. The one comfort that I had was that my sweet Sammy was always in a better place - enjoying heaven with God and all His angels. And now, I feel like this baby is the answer to all my prayers and the prayers of my loved ones. Once our family friends, who happen to be nuns, found out that I was pregnant once more, they offered to call their motherhouse in Europe [which I had visited 20 years ago with my mom] and ask that the nuns there pray for me and this baby. Perhaps its the love, via prayer, that I feel from others. Or perhaps it's knowing that even IF anything should happen, modern medicine can't help me, only our Lord can do that. I know miracles happen, but in today's society we call them 'modern medicine' or 'technology', but deep down, I feel the hand of God guiding those who help us.
So I keep praying - and I don't stress. Each day with this baby is a gift, a gift I wish I could have shared with Sammy. Perhaps this is me simply trying to protect my heart - I prefer to think that it is confidence in God's plan for me. If I were to be honest with you [and with me], although I realize that I am indeed pregnant, it's hard for me to fathom that we will have a baby in the house. It's hard for me to imagine all the ways that our lives will change. Perhaps it's just hard for me to imagine a happy ending.
But no matter what happens, I know that my God is always with me. I know that Mary, to whom I've been praying for the gift of motherhood, is also by my side. I feel empowered. I feel safe. And I daresay I feel content. I only pray that I will be able to pass on this strong belief in God onto our child...for how do you quantify or teach it? I just hope that s/he will feel that God loves us and trust that we are never alone.
I didn't think that I'd feel this way.
But in a strange way, I'm at peace.
I expected to be worried, full of anxiety and stress. Based on what others have told me and based on what I've read, I didn't even expect to enjoy this pregnancy. I thought that the worry and stress from thinking about the possibility of losing this baby too would overshadow the entire experience... but I'm strangely peaceful and I trust that this baby will be coming home with us.
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| Compliments of Soul Inference |
So I keep praying - and I don't stress. Each day with this baby is a gift, a gift I wish I could have shared with Sammy. Perhaps this is me simply trying to protect my heart - I prefer to think that it is confidence in God's plan for me. If I were to be honest with you [and with me], although I realize that I am indeed pregnant, it's hard for me to fathom that we will have a baby in the house. It's hard for me to imagine all the ways that our lives will change. Perhaps it's just hard for me to imagine a happy ending.
But no matter what happens, I know that my God is always with me. I know that Mary, to whom I've been praying for the gift of motherhood, is also by my side. I feel empowered. I feel safe. And I daresay I feel content. I only pray that I will be able to pass on this strong belief in God onto our child...for how do you quantify or teach it? I just hope that s/he will feel that God loves us and trust that we are never alone.
Wednesday, September 28, 2011
Family Reactions
I hate to admit it, but I've been struggling with some of the family reactions that we've received lately. Instead of being happy and enjoying their well wishes, I find myself feeling annoyed and a little resentful...
Last weekend, we went over to visit with some family for a few belated birthday celebrations. It was strange to receive 'Congratulations' from smiling, happy faces - when just a few months ago these same faces were nowhere to be found, at a time when we needed them most. For me, it was strange to see this much excitement over this baby, when Sammy still seems to be the silent secret that our families won't talk about. Some of our family members have still never acknowledged Sammy's loss with any sign or expression of condolensces - is it me or is that weird?? So when they offer congratulatory hugs and well wishes, I can't
help but feel awkward, almost put on the spot, embarrassed in some strange way - simply put, my emotions are torn between loving my family, happiness about this new baby but also disappointment and anger towards these same well wishers. Maybe they feel bad about their behaviour and lack of support after Sammy's death, so now they are 'laying it on a little thick" to make up for it?? Or maybe they are genuinely happy this time? What is it about this child that was different from Sammy? They never met Sammy, but they also haven't met this child? There was the same hope that they would meet Sammy, as we have now that they will meet this baby? I know I'm reading too much into this, but what made Sammy so unlovable to our families? Why was Sammy not as special and unique to them, as he was to us? And if they were so indifferent about Sammy, why all the fuss and excitement now?
One of my traits, which I inherited from my maternal grandmother, and hate, is the fact that I can't seem to get excited and deliriously happy to the point of jumping around. My grandmother is definitely a pessimist about everything, and my mom works to overcome that, but still shows some of this at times and she hates this trait as she knows it has disappointed me in the past. When we were shopping for my wedding dress, each girl expects that when you find 'the dress', your mother will be happy for you, well up with tears and cry at how beautiful her little girl looked - well not my mom. We narrowed it down to 2 dresses, and then she proceeded to nitpick at each one, pointing out their positives and negatives in relation to how they looked on me - please don't misread this, this was the criticism that I needed and this is the way we shop - and once I decided, she told me it was a gorgeous dress and I looked lovely in it. We paid the deposit and left. That's it - no tears, no emotional hugs - that's just not US. This last time when we announced our pregnancy, Freddie's mom teared up and started crying and hugging us at the same time, while my mom put the card down, gulped for air, looked worried and she said 'You're not going to do anything you're not supposed to, right? God -willing, this time it will work'. So you see, my MIL had the expected reaction, meanwhile my mom was subdued. Sadly, I also exhibit this trait and I hate it. Let me give you an example - when Freddie proposed, instead of screaming "Yes", I was scared and I mean deathly afraid! I took almost a month to finally say "Yes", and that was only after I looked at all my options, figured out the worst case scenario and analyzed the likelihood of our marriage working. Maybe I'm just analytical, or maybe I'm just scared coming from broken marriage with no dad in the picture. Whatever the reason, it wasn't the expected reaction. When I told my mom for the first time that we were pregnant, I was almost embarrassed to say it, as if she would know for sure that I was having sex! I mean really, I was 36 and married for crying out loud... but I still felt awkward about it!
So perhaps my weird feelings towards our families are simply more ME than them. Perhaps it's simply MY inability to get deliriously happy and jump up for joy. Maybe it's my own insecurities rearing their ugly head. Maybe I'm reading way more into this than anyone of them would think. I just don't know...
Last weekend, we went over to visit with some family for a few belated birthday celebrations. It was strange to receive 'Congratulations' from smiling, happy faces - when just a few months ago these same faces were nowhere to be found, at a time when we needed them most. For me, it was strange to see this much excitement over this baby, when Sammy still seems to be the silent secret that our families won't talk about. Some of our family members have still never acknowledged Sammy's loss with any sign or expression of condolensces - is it me or is that weird?? So when they offer congratulatory hugs and well wishes, I can't
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| Compliments of Futchi at DeviantArt |
One of my traits, which I inherited from my maternal grandmother, and hate, is the fact that I can't seem to get excited and deliriously happy to the point of jumping around. My grandmother is definitely a pessimist about everything, and my mom works to overcome that, but still shows some of this at times and she hates this trait as she knows it has disappointed me in the past. When we were shopping for my wedding dress, each girl expects that when you find 'the dress', your mother will be happy for you, well up with tears and cry at how beautiful her little girl looked - well not my mom. We narrowed it down to 2 dresses, and then she proceeded to nitpick at each one, pointing out their positives and negatives in relation to how they looked on me - please don't misread this, this was the criticism that I needed and this is the way we shop - and once I decided, she told me it was a gorgeous dress and I looked lovely in it. We paid the deposit and left. That's it - no tears, no emotional hugs - that's just not US. This last time when we announced our pregnancy, Freddie's mom teared up and started crying and hugging us at the same time, while my mom put the card down, gulped for air, looked worried and she said 'You're not going to do anything you're not supposed to, right? God -willing, this time it will work'. So you see, my MIL had the expected reaction, meanwhile my mom was subdued. Sadly, I also exhibit this trait and I hate it. Let me give you an example - when Freddie proposed, instead of screaming "Yes", I was scared and I mean deathly afraid! I took almost a month to finally say "Yes", and that was only after I looked at all my options, figured out the worst case scenario and analyzed the likelihood of our marriage working. Maybe I'm just analytical, or maybe I'm just scared coming from broken marriage with no dad in the picture. Whatever the reason, it wasn't the expected reaction. When I told my mom for the first time that we were pregnant, I was almost embarrassed to say it, as if she would know for sure that I was having sex! I mean really, I was 36 and married for crying out loud... but I still felt awkward about it!
So perhaps my weird feelings towards our families are simply more ME than them. Perhaps it's simply MY inability to get deliriously happy and jump up for joy. Maybe it's my own insecurities rearing their ugly head. Maybe I'm reading way more into this than anyone of them would think. I just don't know...
Tuesday, September 27, 2011
I've been in a funk.
Sorry to have 'disappeared' on you for a little bit, but I just didn't feel like writing. In fact, I didn't even write in my personal journal since we went on vacation at the start of August - and I feel a little bit bad about that too. I didn't really have a reason why I didn't write or blog - I just didn't feel like it. For some reason, I needed to retreat into my own little cocoon and pay attention to ME for a little bit. I'm sure that dealing with the loss of our friend and the constant morning sickness didn't make me very lively either.
I'm feeling better now - on all fronts, so I'm happy to say that I'm back!
A few weeks ago [as I've completed 14 weeks and am now in my 15th week of pregnancy], we had our 12 week scan and neuchtal testing. I won't lie, I was a little bit apprehensive about this, as any mother would be - but Freddie and I had discussed all the possibilities and even before getting pregnant, we had decided that for us, any of our children would be coming home with us, regardless of their physical/mental/behavioural challenges. Now, let me be clear: we are both hoping and praying for a happy and healthy baby, but we love this child no matter what. So to make a long story short, the thickness of the vessels in the neck measured I think 0.3cm, and anything over 1cm might indicate a problem - so we got a clean bill of health! I go back for further blood work for Downes and other potential problems, but I've been told that based on the good result above, they do not expect any negative results, so that is very optimistic.It was a really great visit, as Freddie had our video camera and it was clear that our little munchkin was extremely active! The baby kept flipping between its back and side, so it was hard to get a clear shot, but it was very exciting to see our little one moving around so much!! I think we spent a good 40 minutes looking at our baby and listening to the heartbeat, and we loved every minute of it. It was so exciting to later show the video to our parents, for whom it was just a blob moving around and my MIL kept asking where the head was :-)
In terms of health, the morning sickness is easing up a little bit. I don't think I've thrown up in about a week and a half. I still get an episode or two of nasty nausea, but as long as I eat, it vanishes as quickly as it came - and yes, I'm still taking Diclectin, but I'm down to 4 pills from 5. The bad part is that the back, neck and join pain is a lot worse. I'm using the lidocaine cream, which sometimes works, depending on how bad the pain is, but I can't count on it. I've had quite a few days where I'm immobile on the couch, whimpering and waiting for the day to end. I've used the hot tub to ease the pain, but it only helps as long as I'm in the warm water. The heating pad helps a bit too.
Today, I went back, for the first time in weeks, to my warm pool aquabics class. There was a new instructor who was very good, but an exercise tyrant! I went at my own pace, as due to my medical conditions there are some moves that I simply can't do [like jumping high up out of the water, or doing jumping jacks and doing a 360 degree rotation] and due to the pregnancy and the fact that this was my first time in weeks, I was taking it easy. At one point, she came over, turned off her mike and asked if I was doing OK - I smiled [actually laughed almost] and said, "Yes, please don't worry - I just have some medical conditions so I can't do all the moves". She seemed relieved, as I think she was genuinely concerned - after class I had hoped to chat with her a bit more, but a lady who works at the same place as I did before my medical leave was chatting with her, and frankly I didn't want this woman to know any of my business - oh well, I'm sure we'll chat again.
I'm home now, resting and feeling all the muscles in my body working. I'll end things there as I don't want this post getting too long...I'll write again soon!
And following Mary's lead at Viva La Vida, here are my stats for the week....
How far along: 14 weeks and 1 day
Weight gain/loss: I eat a little bit more than usual [my doc recommended 500 calories more] and so since the start of my pregnancy I think I've gained approximately 8lbs - not bad. I just wish I could control where on my body this weight comes - for me, its clearly in the tummy and boobs, but the thighs are growing too :-(
Maternity clothes: I'm starting to wear some, especially pants. Most of my pants don't zip up and the thighs feel a little bit tight. A friend gave me the belly band, so I might get to wear some jeans again. I also bought some used pregnancy clothes online, so I have some pants, jeans, capris and cords...and the thighs fit!
Stretch marks: No stretch marks...yet. I do use BioOil, but I don't use it twice a day as the instructions indicate. I might use it every other day...I know this is TMI, but I am using it on my nipples as well which are getting dry and I can almost see the individual ducts forming, sexy, eh?
Sleep: I didn't need naps up until last week, but now I feel the need to nap between 7-9pm. I go to bed at 10:30pm with Freddie and I still wake up A LOT! When I try to roll over, it hurts as my hips and legs often feel like they are asleep and I have trouble shifting the weight. I usually get up to pee about once or twice a night, and in general the sleep is not good. I do find that I stay in bed until about 9:30am and I still wake up tired [I know, I can hear you gasping! Luckily, I don't have to be at work right now...]
Best moment since the last update: Seeing our budding soccer star showing off some moves on the ultrasound.
Food cravings: I seem to eat quite often, and when I eat, I'm already planning my next 'snack'. I haven't had cravings, but I seem to want to cook some of the fall dishes that I associate with the season. I've also been doing some cooking and freezing half, in anticipation of times when I'll be too sick to cook [and I'm sick of Freddie's frozen pizzas!]
Gender: We have no plans on finding out, but at our last ultrasound the tech asked if we wanted to know as she was over the genitals, so I'm almost thinking that its a boy, as what else could she see at 12 weeks? Although I kind of 'feel' that it might be a girl...so we'll see!
Belly button in or out? Still in.
Movement: Lots of it - I just don't feel it yet. I do feel some gas and stretching, so I think that it might be movement but I just don't know for sure...I'm sure I'll start feeling our baby soon.
What I miss: Feeling more energetic - I just feel like a huge slob. Freddie has to remind me that I'm on medical leave for a reason AND I'm also pregnant. I tend to 'forget' and lament that I don't have the same energy levels as before.
What I'm looking forward to: Being a good size so that it is obvious I'm pregnant. I'm at the point now where I can still conceal it and I just look pudgy.
Milestones: Having yet another day with our baby!
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