I had an interesting exchange with a priest in confession today. Now, normally, I don't share the details of what I'm confessing with anyone, as that is exclusively between God, the priest and me, but today, the priest said something that made me pause and think.
Now, I will admit, that over the years, I have had trouble with forgiveness. Forgiveness is hard
and today as I was preparing for confession, it occurred to me how God forgives us for everything, doesn't hold a grudge or hang onto that anger. So if God can forgive me over and over, why do I have such difficulty with this? This doesn't meant that I haven't tried. I try to resolve my feelings about the situation and I try to get past it, as really, in the end, forgiveness is more for me than for the other person. In the situation of which I'm thinking, a relative posted my personal family information online in a public place for all to see - I'm sure you're thinking what is the big deal? The big deal was that this person listed all of my father's previous relationships online, and to top it off listed these women as my father's wives, when in fact they were girlfriends. This was not only incredibly hurtful to me and my mother [who was the only wife], but it also opened up the door for unknown relatives to crawl out of the woodwork. I do know that I have an older step-brother, but we've never met, I don't know his name and I have no interest in establishing a familial bond with this person. With the advancement of the internet, this relative almost put a target on me in case this long lost relative was looking for me. I was and am still upset, as I feel strongly that this is my private information and that this person, relative or not, violated privacy laws. I've expressed my anger to this individual and we no longer speak. So I'm certain that this relative doesn't care if I forgive or not... but I do.
So while confessing, I explained that I try to forgive and move past it, but each time I see this person, it all comes back and I don't feel like I've moved on. The priest, quietly and wisely pointed out to me, that perhaps this is the memory of that situation and the associated anger which surfaces, and not necessarily the lack of forgiveness. That really made me pause and think - perhaps I have forgiven, but I just can't seem to forget?? Perhaps he is correct, that it is the memory of that betrayal which reappears. I do admit that the anger is still there when I think about it. So perhaps I need to work on filing that memory away and keeping it tucked out of sight.
I've forgiven, but I clearly haven't forgotten as I feel like I can't trust this person with any of my information or any news pertaining to my immediate family. I've made the conscious decision to not associate with them any further and have not invited them to my home or family festivities if they are at our house. We do, however, still see each other at major Holidays and general family functions. We are cordial, but nothing more. I just want to get to the point where I can be cordial and mean it, without fuming inside. How do you forget? How do you compartmentalize your feelings and be a mature adult about these things? How do you become the 'bigger' person and rise above it?
I went to confession today. I admit that I don't go often, but I make a point of going at least twice a year. If I did go more often, I think that would definitely strengthen my relationship with God, but I also feel that I talk to Him daily not only in prayer, but also in conversation.
The church was quiet, except for the sound of Christmas carols in the background. There were two priests available all day, sitting in full view, on either side of the altar. Now, quite often, this strikes the "Fear of God", literally, into most Catholics walking into church for reconciliation, but knowing that I had nothing embarrassing to confess, I was not daunted.
One of my favourite priests, Father Jim was free, so I kneeled down and prayed for a moment and thought about what I would say (bonus: no lineup!!). He smiled as I approached. It took me a moment to get organized as I had to put my purse down on the floor as I kneeled on the kneeler, and of course I had to place my cane down as well...yes, you read correctly, I am using a cane to get around. Some days I can make it on my own, but often my balance is off and I need it for stability - then there are days like today where I just hurt and I need it to get around. I also know that as the day progresses, I need the cane more and more, and I had planned on going to Costco afterwards as well, so preparation is key. But I digress...
I confessed from being a hard-ass at work sometimes. I know that although I try to be inclusive of my team, sometimes I need to lay down the law and I know that in the spring I had a temporary employee who was just "not all there" and so I had to ask for things 3 or 4 times and eventually I came to dislike her and I know that I was less than pleasant at times - I regret that. I told Father Jim that Freddie and I had lost a baby over the summer and before I knew it, the tears were streaming down my face.
I could barely whisper that I was angry, so angry all the time. I confessed that I feel entitled to certain things, like sympathy and care from my family, and when I don't get it, I get angry again. I confessed that I am lazy in prayer because I don't kneel down at night, instead I crawl into bed, I cuddle up to Freddie and I pray under the covers. Now don't get me wrong, I DO NOT blame God for our loss, but I do feel lazy about prayer. I was literally whispering this, as I couldn't even articulate my thoughts between the tears streaming down my face; Father Jim just smiled at me with such love and care and told me that it was OK to be angry and entitled. He reminded me that there is no perfect Christmas, but that it is Christmas regardless of our pain and suffering. He encouraged me to pray, make a routine out of it, and to offer my pain and suffering to God. He spoke with me for a long while and I know this because my knees were starting to give out on me.
I am really taking his suggestion to heart. I'll try to find a quiet spot during the day when I can light a candle, read the Bible a little bit, and reflect on my prayer a bit more. Hopefully if I publicly state that, I'll follow through - so feel free to ask me how its going.
I ended up staying another 30 minutes at church talking to God. I lit a candle for our angel and I prayed to St. Jude, patron saint of lost causes, begging for the chance to have a baby. I'm hoping this will be our month...
Have you had difficulty with prayer? If so, how did you overcome it?
