... I will praise your name for ever and ever. [Psalm 145:1]

I know that Psalm 145:1 is praising the Lord, but in a way, it fits this post as I will praise the name of my child as well.  I've never called our baby anything but our angel on this blog, as somehow, despite sharing so much here, I wanted to 'save' a little bit of our child for us, and only us.  At home, we speak of our angel freely and it's nice to hear the name resonate and remind me that this child WAS here, he was real!  But now, I realize that I'd like to share some photos that dear friends have sent and I'd like to speak freely about our child, instead of masking or hiding the identity behind 'angel', 'baby', 'child', when in truth, our sweet baby DID have a name ~

**S*a*m*m*y**

We chose "Sam" as that was a neutral, unisex name [although my heart tells me it was a boy], but we speak of Sammy often.  Sadly, our family barely recognizes the name and if we do use it in their presence, there is often an initial look of confusion before it sinks in as to who Sammy was.  So, my dear friends, our sweet baby Sammy will be in our hearts forever.

Aug. 15th was the one year anniversary of Sammy's death.  That was also the day of our first ultrasound with Baby #2 and I blogged about it here.  That night, I woke up in the middle of the night in that groggy state that we all know too well, and I saw a small, childlike figure hovering over the corner of our bed.  Instead of being afraid, my first thought was that it was Sammy coming for a visit and watching over us.  This was so comforting for me, as I had never dreamt of Sammy, despite praying for that for a year now.  It was so fitting so see Sammy on this special day.

A few days later, I went to mass - I had reserved a service for Sammy's anniversary, but due to scheduling conflicts it was scheduled a few days later and at 7:30am!!  That particular morning I had gotten up to get ready for church, but the nausea wave hit me pretty bad and I started dry-heaving as I was washing my teeth [I know, yuck!].  I ran back to the bed, gasping to catch a breath, lay down and reached for the saltines.  I ended up staying there for a while, which in turn made me late for church and I felt like a horrible mom - late for my baby's service!  After mass, I sat in a pew in front of a painting of Mary and baby Jesus and prayed the Rosary for Sammy.  I was thinking of how things might have been different, why did this have to happen, why us...you know those nagging thoughts.  Suddenly, a thought, clear as ever popped into my head

"I sent him to you because I knew you'd love him."

This thought came in my own inner voice, but I knew this was not my thought.  I knew instantly that I had just heard the voice of God, possibly for the first time, whispering in my ear.  Of course, that made perfect sense!  Why had I not ever considered that option?  Of course Sammy was sent to us because God knew that we would love him with all our hearts and would never forget our first child - it was so clear that Sammy was never destined to be with us here on earth, but God wanted Sammy to be loved by his parents.  It made me think of all those babies that are aborted around the globe, with no one to love or miss them - and it made me a little glad that God had wanted Sammy to know this type of love and that Sammy was chosen specifically for US.  That thought '...because I knew you'd love him' keeps echoing in my head and it give me some peace.

I'm sharing a few photos of how Sammy is always with us...

These two photos were sent to me from a dear friend who was part of my Bible Study class ~ she was kind enough to remember Sammy on her vacation and I think that these are gorgeous!!

The following photos were taken by us at Rehoboth  Beach, Delaware, during our vacation earlier in August.  I should have taken the shots the other way towards the water, but the waves were so big and kept coming in that I had to hurry.  So you see a bit of my head shadow...

...and then I took the closeup of Sammy's name, and it was immediately washed away by an incoming wave and strangely I thought it was almost appropriate that Sammy was here but for a moment, before disappearing from our lives...but we know he was here and now I know why....

10 weeks today!

So here we are - we are 10 weeks today!!  It's kind of a little bittersweet as we are excited, but we lost our sweet baby at 10weeks and 2 days.  So once we're past that point, I'm hoping to feel a little bit better.  I think that I had mentioned that our 8 week ultrasound was on Aug 15th, exactly one year since we lost our angel.  The clinic was great and due to my previous loss, they suggested that we do another ultrasound at 10 weeks to reassure me, before continuing to the 12-week ultrasound where they do some tests and measurements.  I was happy to see them care and offer this extra 'viewing' - which is tomorrow.  Tomorrow I will be 10w1d - we started miscarrying our angel at 10w1d and we lost him by the next day.  So again, a day full of symbolism and uncanny coincidences.


But back to our ultrasound on Aug 15th, which was 8 weeks for us.  The tech started the ultrasound and I saw the outline of the baby - and yes, there was just a tiny bit of 'oh, only one', but that sadness was quickly overshadowed as silence filled the room and the tech kept moving around and I couldn't see the heart flicker.  It seemed like forever and I started to panic...and then there it was.  Whew - tears almost came to my eyes in relief!  Here is one of the photos we got to take home, you'll note that I had to post it upside down as the baby was head down.

Our baby measured 7w6d, which is almost bang on as according to the calendar it was 8 weeks even. We saw the head and the arms were clearly visible.  The tech then showed us the flickering heart and was able to turn the sound on and we heard the strong heartbeat of our baby - the heartbeat measured 165bpm, which is very good.  I was so very thankful to hear that this baby was measuring on track and that the heartbeat was strong.  Thank the Lord!!


Next, we met with the doctor to talk about our progress, etc.  She informed us that from this point, there is less than a 5% chance of miscarriage and that we shouldn't worry about the possibility of another loss as everything was looking really really good.  I of course had some questions, which she answered honestly.  The good news is that she felt that despite my use of narcotic medications during this pregnancy, she didn't feel that that would make me a high-risk pregnancy and she felt that I could, if I chose, still have a midwife attend the birth - but in all honesty, I think I'd rather be in a hospital just in case things don't go as planned.


I asked the doctor to review my file and tell me about my hcg numbers from our last pregnancy. She looked them up and the numbers reflected that within 3 days they had not doubled or even increased by 60%.  I do recall Dr. F. telling us at the time that the numbers were low but that often they bounce back later and that was that.  Now, a year later, I wonder why he didn't do additional bloodwork to make sure that the numbers would rise?  Perhaps if he had warned us that things were not going as planned, we could have better prepared or somehow been more protected from the shock of losing our child.  I really feel that Dr. F was totally irresponsible and did not take good care of me and my baby.  I can't believe that he was so careless and flippant about the whole thing, when he knew how things were likely to go - he knew!!


I know it doesn't change anything, knowing that our angel was never destined to be ours, but knowing that gave me a strange sense of peace, knowing that there was nothing that we could have done to change the outcome and also knowing that nothing I did had even remotely caused us to lose our child.  The anger with Dr. F is still there - it's down to a slow simmer now...

So hard to believe that summer is OVER!

Hello my dear friends,
I know I've said this before, but I'm sorry for not blogging regularly - I simply haven't felt up to it.  No, no, there is no reason, I've just simply been feeling sick for the last week or so as the nausea hits in waves and I've been almost cocooned on my couch with the TV permanently in the ON position.


I have so much to update you on, so I'll try to break them up into smaller, easier-to-read posts as no one wants to read a novel in one sitting.


So to get things started, some of you have been asking how I've been doing and I've been OK.  I do admit that the all-day 'morning sickness' has me licked!  I'm taking 5 Diclectin pills daily and some days are OK, while others are horrible.  I notice it even at night, especially when I turn my head on the pillow and the whole room keeps spinning - not fun. So needless to say, I haven't even updated my diary with our Washington updates...I'll get to it soon!

All is fine...

Sorry for not writing folks. I just haven't been feeling great lately, but all is fine.  The baby is fine and developing right on track.  THANK YOU for your prayers - and please keep them coming. I really appreciate it. Will write soon!

Endings are also Beginnings

My sweet, dear *****,
Not a day goes by that I don't think of you, love you and miss you terribly.  I pray for you and to you my sweet angel, just like I pray to my guardian angel.  I know that we wouldn't be expecting your sibling right now without your intercession - so Thank You.

I can't believe it's been a YEAR!

Wow, how time flies...I can't believe that it's been a whole year since we lost *****.  I'm not sure how I feel, there is sadness but the tears are not as hot and uncontrollable as they once were.  I have a busy day ahead, maybe that is good?  I won't be dwelling on it all day.  Will post later...

Yesterday's numbers were...

As I mentioned, I had gone to the clinic on Tuesday for another blood test, just to make sure that our little bean[s] were still growing and our number was 98,133!!!  I totally have myself convinced that there are two little beans, so I hope I won't be disappointed on Monday!!


I haven't had a chance to go through all our photos yet or to blog about our vacation, as I was slammed with the all-day-long morning sickness that had me horizontal for over 24 hours.  Today is a little better, as its at least coming in waves, so I can do a bit here and there.


Thanks for all the comments girls:

4 comments:

mrsnice777 said...

Glad for the good report!

((hugz))
Jamie

Thanks for the encouragement Jamie!

Valerie said...

What???!!!

How did I miss all this exciting news?!!!

OMGOSH!!!

Okay, lots of prayers for you. Sounds like things are definitely looking good and heading in the right direction.

Blessings to you,
Val

Thanks Val - I appreciate your prayers and ask you to please continue keeping 'us' in your prayers, as we need all the love, prayer and support we can get!

ccc said...

Thanks for posting an update. I have been thinking of you. Those symptoms sound great even though they are not when you are feeling them!

Thanks ccc - I've been thinking of you too, a lot.  I'll email soon.

The Great Elephant Symposium said...

I'm glad your vacation was good!! I'm also happy that you're back!! Can't wait to hear more about your trip :)

Thanks Mary - you were part of my 'confidence' to drive so far.  Glad we did it...and even more glad that nothing bad came of it!

We're BACK!

Hello Friends,
Thank you for all the wonderful and sweet messages I have received - I am so flattered and humbled by all your well wishes and support - THANK YOU!


We just got back last night from our first vacation in over 2 years and it was wonderful!  We did have to deal with the incredible heat wave in Washington, but overall I felt pretty good [save for a few outbursts of nausea].  I didn't eat as I normally do at home, so there were a few 'digestive issues' let's say and I was pretty tired a lot and obviously in a lot of pain, but other than that, it went well.  


I did check my HcG's before we left, and on 25DPO my numbers were 10,144.  I will be going tomorrow to make sure that my numbers are still going up, as I do feel a little 'antsy' about that.


Anyway, just wanted to touch base and say that I'll write soon and hopefully post some pics from our time away!