10 weeks today!

So here we are - we are 10 weeks today!!  It's kind of a little bittersweet as we are excited, but we lost our sweet baby at 10weeks and 2 days.  So once we're past that point, I'm hoping to feel a little bit better.  I think that I had mentioned that our 8 week ultrasound was on Aug 15th, exactly one year since we lost our angel.  The clinic was great and due to my previous loss, they suggested that we do another ultrasound at 10 weeks to reassure me, before continuing to the 12-week ultrasound where they do some tests and measurements.  I was happy to see them care and offer this extra 'viewing' - which is tomorrow.  Tomorrow I will be 10w1d - we started miscarrying our angel at 10w1d and we lost him by the next day.  So again, a day full of symbolism and uncanny coincidences.


But back to our ultrasound on Aug 15th, which was 8 weeks for us.  The tech started the ultrasound and I saw the outline of the baby - and yes, there was just a tiny bit of 'oh, only one', but that sadness was quickly overshadowed as silence filled the room and the tech kept moving around and I couldn't see the heart flicker.  It seemed like forever and I started to panic...and then there it was.  Whew - tears almost came to my eyes in relief!  Here is one of the photos we got to take home, you'll note that I had to post it upside down as the baby was head down.

Our baby measured 7w6d, which is almost bang on as according to the calendar it was 8 weeks even. We saw the head and the arms were clearly visible.  The tech then showed us the flickering heart and was able to turn the sound on and we heard the strong heartbeat of our baby - the heartbeat measured 165bpm, which is very good.  I was so very thankful to hear that this baby was measuring on track and that the heartbeat was strong.  Thank the Lord!!


Next, we met with the doctor to talk about our progress, etc.  She informed us that from this point, there is less than a 5% chance of miscarriage and that we shouldn't worry about the possibility of another loss as everything was looking really really good.  I of course had some questions, which she answered honestly.  The good news is that she felt that despite my use of narcotic medications during this pregnancy, she didn't feel that that would make me a high-risk pregnancy and she felt that I could, if I chose, still have a midwife attend the birth - but in all honesty, I think I'd rather be in a hospital just in case things don't go as planned.


I asked the doctor to review my file and tell me about my hcg numbers from our last pregnancy. She looked them up and the numbers reflected that within 3 days they had not doubled or even increased by 60%.  I do recall Dr. F. telling us at the time that the numbers were low but that often they bounce back later and that was that.  Now, a year later, I wonder why he didn't do additional bloodwork to make sure that the numbers would rise?  Perhaps if he had warned us that things were not going as planned, we could have better prepared or somehow been more protected from the shock of losing our child.  I really feel that Dr. F was totally irresponsible and did not take good care of me and my baby.  I can't believe that he was so careless and flippant about the whole thing, when he knew how things were likely to go - he knew!!


I know it doesn't change anything, knowing that our angel was never destined to be ours, but knowing that gave me a strange sense of peace, knowing that there was nothing that we could have done to change the outcome and also knowing that nothing I did had even remotely caused us to lose our child.  The anger with Dr. F is still there - it's down to a slow simmer now...