**S*a*m*m*y**
We chose "Sam" as that was a neutral, unisex name [although my heart tells me it was a boy], but we speak of Sammy often. Sadly, our family barely recognizes the name and if we do use it in their presence, there is often an initial look of confusion before it sinks in as to who Sammy was. So, my dear friends, our sweet baby Sammy will be in our hearts forever.
Aug. 15th was the one year anniversary of Sammy's death. That was also the day of our first ultrasound with Baby #2 and I blogged about it here. That night, I woke up in the middle of the night in that groggy state that we all know too well, and I saw a small, childlike figure hovering over the corner of our bed. Instead of being afraid, my first thought was that it was Sammy coming for a visit and watching over us. This was so comforting for me, as I had never dreamt of Sammy, despite praying for that for a year now. It was so fitting so see Sammy on this special day.
A few days later, I went to mass - I had reserved a service for Sammy's anniversary, but due to scheduling conflicts it was scheduled a few days later and at 7:30am!! That particular morning I had gotten up to get ready for church, but the nausea wave hit me pretty bad and I started dry-heaving as I was washing my teeth [I know, yuck!]. I ran back to the bed, gasping to catch a breath, lay down and reached for the saltines. I ended up staying there for a while, which in turn made me late for church and I felt like a horrible mom - late for my baby's service! After mass, I sat in a pew in front of a painting of Mary and baby Jesus and prayed the Rosary for Sammy. I was thinking of how things might have been different, why did this have to happen, why us...you know those nagging thoughts. Suddenly, a thought, clear as ever popped into my head
"I sent him to you because I knew you'd love him."
This thought came in my own inner voice, but I knew this was not my thought. I knew instantly that I had just heard the voice of God, possibly for the first time, whispering in my ear. Of course, that made perfect sense! Why had I not ever considered that option? Of course Sammy was sent to us because God knew that we would love him with all our hearts and would never forget our first child - it was so clear that Sammy was never destined to be with us here on earth, but God wanted Sammy to be loved by his parents. It made me think of all those babies that are aborted around the globe, with no one to love or miss them - and it made me a little glad that God had wanted Sammy to know this type of love and that Sammy was chosen specifically for US. That thought '...because I knew you'd love him' keeps echoing in my head and it give me some peace.
I'm sharing a few photos of how Sammy is always with us...
These two photos were sent to me from a dear friend who was part of my Bible Study class ~ she was kind enough to remember Sammy on her vacation and I think that these are gorgeous!!
The following photos were taken by us at Rehoboth Beach, Delaware, during our vacation earlier in August. I should have taken the shots the other way towards the water, but the waves were so big and kept coming in that I had to hurry. So you see a bit of my head shadow...
...and then I took the closeup of Sammy's name, and it was immediately washed away by an incoming wave and strangely I thought it was almost appropriate that Sammy was here but for a moment, before disappearing from our lives...but we know he was here and now I know why....
That is wonderful that the thought was put in your head. God knows what we need to hear and tells us. You must be filled with so much peace right now.
ReplyDeleteI like the pictures of your baby's name--and the name itself too.