Often, while I'm feeding Sophie, I look into those gorgeous blue eyes, those pink lips puckered up while she eats, the hands that caress my breast or absent-mindedly grab my finer and squeeze...and I think of Sammy. I think of what life would have been like with a toddler and a newborn. I wonder if I would have cherished all these quiet moments with Sophie, knowing what I lost with Sammy. And sometimes, I wonder if Sammy is there, as Sophie stares over my shoulder and starts to laugh for no reason - I'd like to think that our sweet boy visits his little sister and entertains her.
She is totally into grabbing things and putting them in her mouth, drooling A LOT, cooing and smiling. Her newest talent is laughing so whole-heartedly that it melts my heart...it is the sweetest sound! She rolled over twice in one day, but nothing since. All in all, she is a very happy and easy going girl, and we usually don't have any issues with feeding or bedtime, etc.
Things for me aren't easy. Sophie doesn't nap during the day, but wants to be entertained ALL the time. For me, with all my chronic pain, this is hard as I don't have much time to lie down or rest. Luckily, my mom comes over almost daily to give me a bit of a rest, so that is a HUGE help. But the part that sucks is that my pregnancy Carpal Tunnel has turned into long-term tendonitis in both hands and it hurts a lot do pick up Sophie...so much that I can't always breastfeed her as I can't hold that long [not to mention that position isn't great for my back either]. I'm doing physio for this [acupuncture and ultrasound] but it doesn't seem to help. I'm told that if this doesn't get better by my next appt at the pain clinic, I'll be referred to the appropriate specialist, but my physiotherapist tells me that the only thing that helps with this is a different type of brace - yey, as if trying to take care of a baby isn't hard enough, let's throw wrist braces into the mix! But if they help, I'm game, as I almost dropped Sophie today - she kind of arched her back and I lost her, but luckily grabbed her with my other hand at the level of my knees. I was so glad I caught her! Don't want to think of what might have happened if I hadn't!
All my other worries still exist - I still don't know what is happening with my disability status after the maternity leave, but considering that my employer has decided to eliminate my job, I have nothing to go back to, if I could. I hate having choice taken away from me!! Freddie is still unemployed, not for lack of trying, but the job market really sucks right now. I am greatful that he is here to help me, but cash would help a lot too! But amidst all these problems and difficulties, Sophie remains a bright spot of joy in my life. I can honestly say that she makes life worth living and I"m so very lucky to be her mom and have the privilege of this little angel in our lives...and another angel in heaven too!!
