Giving it all to God

I thought that this pregnancy would be different.
I didn't think that I'd feel this way.
But in a strange way, I'm at peace.


I expected to be worried, full of anxiety and stress.  Based on what others have told me and based on what I've read, I didn't even expect to enjoy this pregnancy.  I thought that the worry and stress from thinking about the possibility of losing this baby too would overshadow the entire experience... but I'm strangely peaceful and I trust that this baby will be coming home with us.

Compliments of Soul Inference

I pray.  I speak to God.  And I know that He loves me.  I've never been one to blame God for what happens to me.  Ever since I was a child, I also felt a special connection to God - simply put, I felt loved.  I know that early on it was the simple naivete of a child growing up with a single parent, praying that my 'magical' father in heaven would make sure that I was OK...but as I matured, I realized that I found strength and comfort in God.  I couldn't achieve anything without HIM.  I remember praying as a child, after the death of my dad, that God would protect my mom so that I wouldn't be an orphan - and now I thank God that He protected me.  And so it is now with this pregnancy.  It is an eerie calm and a feeling of peace, knowing that God is watching over us.  I remember having this exact same feeling when we left the Emergency Room - the doctor indicated that this was probably nothing and to go home and monitor the situation - as we walked outside, I knew that God was with us and no harm would come to Sammy.  Well, I was wrong, the harm did come, but I never felt alone.  The one comfort that I had was that my sweet Sammy was always in a better place - enjoying heaven with God and all His angels.  And now, I feel like this baby is the answer to all my prayers and the prayers of my loved ones.  Once our family friends, who happen to be nuns, found out that I was pregnant once more, they offered to call their motherhouse in Europe [which I had visited 20 years ago with my mom] and ask that the nuns there pray for me and this baby.  Perhaps its the love, via prayer, that I feel from others.  Or perhaps it's knowing that even IF anything should happen, modern medicine can't help me, only our Lord can do that.  I know miracles happen, but in today's society we call them 'modern medicine' or 'technology', but deep down, I feel the hand of God guiding those who help us.


So I keep praying - and I don't stress.  Each day with this baby is a gift, a gift I wish I could have shared with Sammy.  Perhaps this is me simply trying to protect my heart - I prefer to think that it is confidence in God's plan for me.  If I were to be honest with you [and with me], although I realize that I am indeed pregnant, it's hard for me to fathom that we will have a baby in the house.  It's hard for me to imagine all the ways that our lives will change.  Perhaps it's just hard for me to imagine a happy ending.


But no matter what happens, I know that my God is always with me.  I know that Mary, to whom I've been praying for the gift of motherhood, is also by my side.  I feel empowered.  I feel safe.  And I daresay I feel content.  I only pray that I will be able to pass on this strong belief in God onto our child...for how do you quantify or teach it?  I just hope that s/he will feel that God loves us and trust that we are never alone.