Ouch! What happened??

I don't know what I did.  I hurt - a lot.  In fact, I can barely move.  I can barely walk.  I've been on the heating pad for the last few days and spend my entire day in my PJ's yesterday.  Let me backtrack...


On Tuesday, I went back to the aqua physio class in the warm water pool.  I hadn't gone since we got home from Bermuda as I was busy helping mom unpack at her new place, take care of medical appointments, etc.  So I went back to the warm water pool - and let me make it clear:  this is a class of seniors and me.  So between my medical issues and being in the last trimester of this pregnancy, I am neither graceful nor do I move quickly, even if I tried.  I took it easy in class and I don't think I even got winded.  I stretched and I didn't overdo it, but I felt my left hip start hurting.  By the time it was time to get out of the pool, I couldn't get out!  The lifeguard walked over and offered to get the moveable step ladder for me, but I was on the last step by then.  That afternoon, I had to hit the grocery store as Freddie was having his work Christmas party the next day and I had promised to make a cabbage dish for him... which I did that afternoon, in a lot of pain.


To make a long story short, I kept feeling worse and in more pain as time went on, and I was less and less mobile.  By evening, I couldn't get off the couch without help or get into bed on my own.  The night was horrible.  I couldn't roll over, couldn't sleep due to the pain...ah, pain, pain and more pain.  Over the last 3-4 days, I've improved every so slightly, but honestly, not much.  Yesterday, I was able to unload the dishwasher and put a pot of stock on the stove - that's it.  It is so hard to roll over or get up off the couch.  I use the cane to walk around the house and its so hard to get dressed [and don't get me started on the difficulties with self-hygiene at this time!!].  


All of this has me freaked out a little bit.  Whenever this has happened in the past, it was precipitated by a huge muscle spasm or I did something or moved in a particular way - but this time, it just got worse and worse.  I'm not sure if this is related to the increased pregnancy weight, or if it's part of my 'regular' medical issues.  What if this doesn't get better soon? What if this happens when we have a baby? I mean, I can't life a jug of water to pour myself a glass!  Luckily, my mom is now a 2-3 minute drive away and my in-laws are 7 minutes away, so I can get help, but it still scares me that I might not be able to pick my baby up from the crib!


Christmas is just around the corner and I am NOT ready at all!  The tree isn't up, the gifts aren't wrapped [luckily I shopped on Boxing Day last year], the few gifts left have not been bought and in an act of desperation, Freddie and I decided last night not to get each other gifts at all, as we really don't have the money or the time to run around.  With a baby coming, even though I'm buying mostly used items [as long as I can wash it], there will be expenses - but I do hope to pick up a few items at a baby shower in January.  I haven't done any baking, decorating, nothing!  I only did the cards last month and that is is!  So today Freddie is working a 1/2 day, so he'll bring up our artificial tree and then my mom is going to come over and help me dress it - I am still hobbling and barely walking, but I have to start.  I don't want to push myself too much, but I also can't be 'resting' all the time.  So I'm going to try... and praying that we can get it accomplished by the end of the weekend!

P.S.

I did start knitting a baby bootie last night - I got 1/3 of it done.  I'm trying to follow a pattern with YouTube guidance, but it's not easy.  Most people knit 'backwards', as I'm used to moving my needle through the yarn, but most of the videos on YouTube wrap the yarn around the needle, which is a bit different. Anyway, wish me luck!

No Surgery!!!

So I went to see a new doctor, a neurologist this time, let's call this one Dr. N.  I asked Freddie to go with me as I was worried that I might not have the guts to ask all the questions that needed to be asked - and I did prepare!  I had a whole list of questions that I found online and wanted to make sure that I didn't miss anything.  I was fairly nervous in the morning and although we got there on time, we still had to wait 30 minutes, but when Dr. N. came in, it was clear that he had read my file thoroughly.

The long and short of it is that there are significant problems, but due to the multiple discs involved, Dr. N. didn't feel that this would be an easy surgery.  Dr. N. also indicated that in a recent research study it was noted that 4 years post surgery, there was no difference in satisfaction or pain level between those that had surgery and those that didn't.  Dr. N. felt that in my case, we'd need to repeat the surgery in 4 years if we chose to do it now.

So I'm happy that I don't have to endure the pain of surgery or risk making my problems even worse, but at the same time I'm also sad as I had hoped that perhaps there was a way to end this constant pain.  My emotions are mixed right now and it will take a bit of time for me to totally absorb this news.

Feast of the Holy Innocents

How fitting that I get back to blogging on the Feast of the Holy Innocents.  I've started looking at some devotionals and daily prayers on line - this is one of the ones that I like:  http://www.americancatholic.org/Features/SaintofDay/


Christmas went better than expected.  On Christmas Eve, we had a really nice dinner at my mom's, and the family behaved themselves for the most part.  My aunt was reasonably tolerable - I must let you know that recently I have not gotten along with this woman. She prides herself on being the etiquette expert and never fails to tell any of us what to do or how to do it, and when we get annoyed with her, she plays the "respect your elders" card.  She also prides herself on being a devout Catholic and standing up for the Church's teachings. I've been upset with her because when our angel left, she never said a word to us about it or even acknowledged our child's life. As a "good Catholic", you'd think that she would recognize that our baby was a real entity and child of God from conception, but instead silence. My mom, on the other hand, was really touched when she opened up her gift and among them was a small ornament to commemorate our sweet angel.  Her eyes welled up and I was really touched.  She hung the ornament promptly and I was happy to see this gesture.


The next day, we went to my in-laws and it was fairly pleasant too. I must admit that I was really bored at the start and frankly a little annoyed when all the 'tweens' pulled out their phones and proceeded to play and/or text, ignoring those of us in the room.  I am always annoyed by the fact that on my in-law's side, there is no distinction between Christmas and any other day.  The kids were either in jeans and t-shirts, or in jogging pants. Nothing was particularly clean or pressed. Freddie's dad did impress this year - he left his jogging pants and put on "real" pants this year, so that was nice. But the rest of the clan was dressed like any other day and this bugs me, as in my house, Christmas is one of the most important holidays, next to Easter, and everyone is dressed for dinner and the festivities.


Freddie's dad was also in a funky mood and at one point and came down and shared with us that my mother in law had had a biopsy on a growth on her leg and it came back cancerous, but they are certain that they cut it all out and she is healthy and apparently cancer free.  She will be monitored for the next while.  So he tells us this as we are sitting on the couch, one of the adults is sleeping on the next couch over and the kids are playing games on the floor. Now Freddie's dad is notorious for lacking the ability to keep a secret, so I'm not sure if this was news that he was supposed to share or if he simply spilled the beans as always. So naturally this spoiled the dinner for Freddie and I as we were totally worried, but couldn't even say anything as we weren't sure if we were supposed to know.  Oh, so stressful!


I've been praying every single day for our angel and to our angel that our angel will intercede on our behalf and ask God for another baby.  Freddie and I are really working hard at another baby and sometimes I worry that I'm going to wear the poor guy out!  On the bright side,  I've had some cramping, I've had one instance of some mild pink spotting if you will, and so I'm so hopeful that this will be our Christmas miracle.  I'm just worried that we might be disappointed again.  


So far, the break has been really nice with Freddie.  I feel that we are really close and on the same page.  Although I'll never forget our sweet baby, I don't cry and seem as sad as before, so I know that Freddie isn't as worried as before.  That doesn't mean that I'm magically better, but its just nice to have him from work and with me during the day, which definitely keeps my spirits up.


I've got a few medical appointments coming up, including seeing a surgeon to figure out next steps.  I started preparing for the appointment by reading up some info and making a list of questions I should be asking.  The more I read, the more scared I get of the surgery.  In fact, I'm TERRIFIED of surgery. I've never had surgery before. I'm not only scared of the increased pain, but I'm deathly afraid that it might make things worse.  What if I end up in more pain? What if I end up in worse shape? Or worse still, in a wheelchair?  If this was a life or death issue and I had not choice but to do surgery, then it would be easier.  The choice terrifies me - and then what if I decide that surgery is too risky but my disability insurer disagrees?  Can they force me to have surgery?  I just feel so scared right now!!!  We desperately want a baby and with my age, this is the best time for us, we shouldn't wait. If by some miracle we got pregnant this month, then that would give me more time to figure out what my options are, maybe see another surgeon, or simply postpone the surgery...


I'm ready and positively thrilled at just the thought that perhaps God would grace our lives with another child, but the thought of surgery and the possibly life-altering after effects simply terrify me.  I just feel scared.