How fitting that I get back to blogging on the Feast of the Holy Innocents. I've started looking at some devotionals and daily prayers on line - this is one of the ones that I like: http://www.americancatholic.org/Features/SaintofDay/Christmas went better than expected. On Christmas Eve, we had a really nice dinner at my mom's, and the family behaved themselves for the most part. My aunt was reasonably tolerable - I must let you know that recently I have not gotten along with this woman. She prides herself on being the etiquette expert and never fails to tell any of us what to do or how to do it, and when we get annoyed with her, she plays the "respect your elders" card. She also prides herself on being a devout Catholic and standing up for the Church's teachings. I've been upset with her because when our angel left, she never said a word to us about it or even acknowledged our child's life. As a "good Catholic", you'd think that she would recognize that our baby was a real entity and child of God from conception, but instead silence. My mom, on the other hand, was really touched when she opened up her gift and among them was a small ornament to commemorate our sweet angel. Her eyes welled up and I was really touched. She hung the ornament promptly and I was happy to see this gesture.
The next day, we went to my in-laws and it was fairly pleasant too. I must admit that I was really bored at the start and frankly a little annoyed when all the 'tweens' pulled out their phones and proceeded to play and/or text, ignoring those of us in the room. I am always annoyed by the fact that on my in-law's side, there is no distinction between Christmas and any other day. The kids were either in jeans and t-shirts, or in jogging pants. Nothing was particularly clean or pressed. Freddie's dad did impress this year - he left his jogging pants and put on "real" pants this year, so that was nice. But the rest of the clan was dressed like any other day and this bugs me, as in my house, Christmas is one of the most important holidays, next to Easter, and everyone is dressed for dinner and the festivities.
Freddie's dad was also in a funky mood and at one point and came down and shared with us that my mother in law had had a biopsy on a growth on her leg and it came back cancerous, but they are certain that they cut it all out and she is healthy and apparently cancer free. She will be monitored for the next while. So he tells us this as we are sitting on the couch, one of the adults is sleeping on the next couch over and the kids are playing games on the floor. Now Freddie's dad is notorious for lacking the ability to keep a secret, so I'm not sure if this was news that he was supposed to share or if he simply spilled the beans as always. So naturally this spoiled the dinner for Freddie and I as we were totally worried, but couldn't even say anything as we weren't sure if we were supposed to know. Oh, so stressful!
I've been praying every single day for our angel and to our angel that our angel will intercede on our behalf and ask God for another baby. Freddie and I are really working hard at another baby and sometimes I worry that I'm going to wear the poor guy out! On the bright side, I've had some cramping, I've had one instance of some mild pink spotting if you will, and so I'm so hopeful that this will be our Christmas miracle. I'm just worried that we might be disappointed again.
So far, the break has been really nice with Freddie. I feel that we are really close and on the same page. Although I'll never forget our sweet baby, I don't cry and seem as sad as before, so I know that Freddie isn't as worried as before. That doesn't mean that I'm magically better, but its just nice to have him from work and with me during the day, which definitely keeps my spirits up.
I've got a few medical appointments coming up, including seeing a surgeon to figure out next steps. I started preparing for the appointment by reading up some info and making a list of questions I should be asking. The more I read, the more scared I get of the surgery. In fact, I'm TERRIFIED of surgery. I've never had surgery before. I'm not only scared of the increased pain, but I'm deathly afraid that it might make things worse. What if I end up in more pain? What if I end up in worse shape? Or worse still, in a wheelchair? If this was a life or death issue and I had not choice but to do surgery, then it would be easier. The choice terrifies me - and then what if I decide that surgery is too risky but my disability insurer disagrees? Can they force me to have surgery? I just feel so scared right now!!! We desperately want a baby and with my age, this is the best time for us, we shouldn't wait. If by some miracle we got pregnant this month, then that would give me more time to figure out what my options are, maybe see another surgeon, or simply postpone the surgery...
I'm ready and positively thrilled at just the thought that perhaps God would grace our lives with another child, but the thought of surgery and the possibly life-altering after effects simply terrify me. I just feel scared.
