Ouch! What happened??

I don't know what I did.  I hurt - a lot.  In fact, I can barely move.  I can barely walk.  I've been on the heating pad for the last few days and spend my entire day in my PJ's yesterday.  Let me backtrack...


On Tuesday, I went back to the aqua physio class in the warm water pool.  I hadn't gone since we got home from Bermuda as I was busy helping mom unpack at her new place, take care of medical appointments, etc.  So I went back to the warm water pool - and let me make it clear:  this is a class of seniors and me.  So between my medical issues and being in the last trimester of this pregnancy, I am neither graceful nor do I move quickly, even if I tried.  I took it easy in class and I don't think I even got winded.  I stretched and I didn't overdo it, but I felt my left hip start hurting.  By the time it was time to get out of the pool, I couldn't get out!  The lifeguard walked over and offered to get the moveable step ladder for me, but I was on the last step by then.  That afternoon, I had to hit the grocery store as Freddie was having his work Christmas party the next day and I had promised to make a cabbage dish for him... which I did that afternoon, in a lot of pain.


To make a long story short, I kept feeling worse and in more pain as time went on, and I was less and less mobile.  By evening, I couldn't get off the couch without help or get into bed on my own.  The night was horrible.  I couldn't roll over, couldn't sleep due to the pain...ah, pain, pain and more pain.  Over the last 3-4 days, I've improved every so slightly, but honestly, not much.  Yesterday, I was able to unload the dishwasher and put a pot of stock on the stove - that's it.  It is so hard to roll over or get up off the couch.  I use the cane to walk around the house and its so hard to get dressed [and don't get me started on the difficulties with self-hygiene at this time!!].  


All of this has me freaked out a little bit.  Whenever this has happened in the past, it was precipitated by a huge muscle spasm or I did something or moved in a particular way - but this time, it just got worse and worse.  I'm not sure if this is related to the increased pregnancy weight, or if it's part of my 'regular' medical issues.  What if this doesn't get better soon? What if this happens when we have a baby? I mean, I can't life a jug of water to pour myself a glass!  Luckily, my mom is now a 2-3 minute drive away and my in-laws are 7 minutes away, so I can get help, but it still scares me that I might not be able to pick my baby up from the crib!


Christmas is just around the corner and I am NOT ready at all!  The tree isn't up, the gifts aren't wrapped [luckily I shopped on Boxing Day last year], the few gifts left have not been bought and in an act of desperation, Freddie and I decided last night not to get each other gifts at all, as we really don't have the money or the time to run around.  With a baby coming, even though I'm buying mostly used items [as long as I can wash it], there will be expenses - but I do hope to pick up a few items at a baby shower in January.  I haven't done any baking, decorating, nothing!  I only did the cards last month and that is is!  So today Freddie is working a 1/2 day, so he'll bring up our artificial tree and then my mom is going to come over and help me dress it - I am still hobbling and barely walking, but I have to start.  I don't want to push myself too much, but I also can't be 'resting' all the time.  So I'm going to try... and praying that we can get it accomplished by the end of the weekend!

P.S.

I did start knitting a baby bootie last night - I got 1/3 of it done.  I'm trying to follow a pattern with YouTube guidance, but it's not easy.  Most people knit 'backwards', as I'm used to moving my needle through the yarn, but most of the videos on YouTube wrap the yarn around the needle, which is a bit different. Anyway, wish me luck!

Here I go again...

I started this blog over the summer and chose the title you see above, with the "Constantly in  Pain" url.  Little did I know how prophetic that title would be in all areas of my life for the next few months. This blog sat for a long time as I tried to sort out my feeling and emotions about what was going on and could look back on all my experiences and share them with others, which for the record, isn't as easy as it sounds.


I write this with mixed feelings. I'm happy to be venturing into the world of blogging, but I'm also not sure that I'm ready to pour my guts out completely online. Over the last few months, I've read many blogs by other women who also have lost a baby, and I can't help but wonder what's so special about me? I already journal privately, so why start blogging? Why would anyone want to ready my story? What makes it more compelling that any other? Then I arrived at the answer: my situation is unique, my story is unique, and even if it helps one family, it means its all worth it.

So let me backtrack a little bit. At the age of 29, I was diagnosed with a chronic back problem, which began my journey of chronic pain. Needless to say, I was shocked and surprised to receive this diagnosis - now I do have a parent with a back problem, but somehow I thought I'd be in my 60's when it would hit me, I just never thought it would be ME...and at 29!!! I was single at the time, working and supporting myself, and I felt like my entire world had come crashing down. The next few years were spent dealing with this news (and yes, I had gone through all the stages of grief in order to accept the "new me"). It took a long time to find the correct mix of drugs, and I had also tried physio, aqua therapy, acupuncture, TENS, epidurals, cortisone, nerve blocks, etc. You name, I tried it! Finally, things got manageable!

Over the next few years, I plowed ahead, built up my side of the business for our company, met Freddie and then married him, moved into a new home and started "living" life. Things were finally going well...finally! I had worked so hard to get here and I was so happy! But we all know that happiness and good times don't last, and this year things started to change...

After a year of marriage, Freddie and I decided that we wanted to start a family and promptly "got to work". Fun times, quickly turned to disappointment. After more than a year of trying, we finally decided to visit the local Fertility Clinic to get checked out. We went through all the standard testing and were called to come for the results, but we had some news of our own to share :-) At the appointment, we found out that there was nothing wrong with either one of us and that all the results were normal - and we shared that we were pregnant!! We quickly got blood work done to confirm the news and the following week we had our 6w2d ultrasound. Seeing our baby on the screen with a fluttering heartbeat was amazing! We were so incredibly happy, we were finally going to have a family.

Now, for about a year prior to this, my chronic back pain was increasing and increasing. My business was growing and succeeding, and so my company demanded longer and longer hours, and I obliged - I mean, we all know what the job market out there is like. Finally, things came to a head and I could barely walk. The next set of MRI's revealed multiple herniated discs in my lower back and one herniated disc in my neck. The problem is that the discs in the lower back are all herniated in various directions, which makes it problematic for diagnosing which disc needs to be replaced with an artificial disc or a full/partial fusion. Over the next few months my work hours had to be reduced and finally I had to stop working all together as I was unable to sit/stand/walk etc. My pain meds were more than doubled to simply take the "edge" off. I went back to physio [not that it helped much] and am now on disability from work and waiting to see a surgeon in order to determine if there is a surgical option for me.

The pain is constant, sometimes stronger and sometimes less, but it's always there. I have a hard time walking or even shopping, and all tasks at home take me much longer to complete. Due to the amount of pain meds I take, I also have a slowed digestive system which causes constant headaches, nausea and vomiting. I've lost about 20lbs in the last 4 months. I just feel miserable most of the time, but while pregnant, I honestly didn't mind the nausea.

One day, out of the blue, I started to bleed and we soon realized that we were miscarrying. I think I'll save that story for another post...until then,