Here I go again...

I started this blog over the summer and chose the title you see above, with the "Constantly in  Pain" url.  Little did I know how prophetic that title would be in all areas of my life for the next few months. This blog sat for a long time as I tried to sort out my feeling and emotions about what was going on and could look back on all my experiences and share them with others, which for the record, isn't as easy as it sounds.


I write this with mixed feelings. I'm happy to be venturing into the world of blogging, but I'm also not sure that I'm ready to pour my guts out completely online. Over the last few months, I've read many blogs by other women who also have lost a baby, and I can't help but wonder what's so special about me? I already journal privately, so why start blogging? Why would anyone want to ready my story? What makes it more compelling that any other? Then I arrived at the answer: my situation is unique, my story is unique, and even if it helps one family, it means its all worth it.

So let me backtrack a little bit. At the age of 29, I was diagnosed with a chronic back problem, which began my journey of chronic pain. Needless to say, I was shocked and surprised to receive this diagnosis - now I do have a parent with a back problem, but somehow I thought I'd be in my 60's when it would hit me, I just never thought it would be ME...and at 29!!! I was single at the time, working and supporting myself, and I felt like my entire world had come crashing down. The next few years were spent dealing with this news (and yes, I had gone through all the stages of grief in order to accept the "new me"). It took a long time to find the correct mix of drugs, and I had also tried physio, aqua therapy, acupuncture, TENS, epidurals, cortisone, nerve blocks, etc. You name, I tried it! Finally, things got manageable!

Over the next few years, I plowed ahead, built up my side of the business for our company, met Freddie and then married him, moved into a new home and started "living" life. Things were finally going well...finally! I had worked so hard to get here and I was so happy! But we all know that happiness and good times don't last, and this year things started to change...

After a year of marriage, Freddie and I decided that we wanted to start a family and promptly "got to work". Fun times, quickly turned to disappointment. After more than a year of trying, we finally decided to visit the local Fertility Clinic to get checked out. We went through all the standard testing and were called to come for the results, but we had some news of our own to share :-) At the appointment, we found out that there was nothing wrong with either one of us and that all the results were normal - and we shared that we were pregnant!! We quickly got blood work done to confirm the news and the following week we had our 6w2d ultrasound. Seeing our baby on the screen with a fluttering heartbeat was amazing! We were so incredibly happy, we were finally going to have a family.

Now, for about a year prior to this, my chronic back pain was increasing and increasing. My business was growing and succeeding, and so my company demanded longer and longer hours, and I obliged - I mean, we all know what the job market out there is like. Finally, things came to a head and I could barely walk. The next set of MRI's revealed multiple herniated discs in my lower back and one herniated disc in my neck. The problem is that the discs in the lower back are all herniated in various directions, which makes it problematic for diagnosing which disc needs to be replaced with an artificial disc or a full/partial fusion. Over the next few months my work hours had to be reduced and finally I had to stop working all together as I was unable to sit/stand/walk etc. My pain meds were more than doubled to simply take the "edge" off. I went back to physio [not that it helped much] and am now on disability from work and waiting to see a surgeon in order to determine if there is a surgical option for me.

The pain is constant, sometimes stronger and sometimes less, but it's always there. I have a hard time walking or even shopping, and all tasks at home take me much longer to complete. Due to the amount of pain meds I take, I also have a slowed digestive system which causes constant headaches, nausea and vomiting. I've lost about 20lbs in the last 4 months. I just feel miserable most of the time, but while pregnant, I honestly didn't mind the nausea.

One day, out of the blue, I started to bleed and we soon realized that we were miscarrying. I think I'll save that story for another post...until then,