What next???

I've been pondering, since I'm at home with a lot of time to think...maybe too much... but I've been pondering, what is our next move?  Should we start trying for another baby right away? Should we wait?

I read the recent study which indicated that there is no need to wait 6 months post miscarriage to have another baby. In fact, it seems that women who conceive within 6-months have a lower rate of miscarrying again. This is very encouraging, especially for someone like me, who is "age challenged".

At my age, and with the possibility of a fairly serious surgery in the future, we can't really wait. I'm seeing a specialist in the New Year and I hope that they will offer me a surgical option...I figure that with the wait time, I'll have approximately 9-12 months prior to surgery.  If I wait post surgery to think about getting pregnant, I'll be in my late 30's and that could be too late...so we're between a rock and a hard place. We can't afford IVF [and I don't agree with it on moral grounds...the disposal of embryos part], we won't be able to afford adoption either, as that gets expensive soon.  

This "next steps" thought process actually makes me upset sometimes.  Last weekend seemed particularly difficult...it started one evening when Freddie went out with his friends for beers and I stayed home. I was annoyed that my friends hadn't called to get together or drop by to see me...and I was in a fair bit of pain...and the mind starts to wander.  There is no doubt in my mind that no future child will replace our angel, and not a day goes by that I don't think and pray for our baby - but we also want to have a family.  Physically, we got the green light right away...but honestly, I don't think we'll ever be 100% emotionally ready, knowing the risks and knowing the heartache of losing a child. We both fully realize that the next pregnancy will not be the same - it won't be happy, but rather scary and nerve racking all the way...I don't think any amount of counselling can change that, but time is not on our side, so I guess the decision has been made for us.

When our angel left, we did use a unisex name, and openly use it at home - I hope you don't mind, if for the purposes of the blog, I simply refer to our baby as our Angel.  I know that if we are blessed to have another baby, we would not name any future children with our angel's name.  Our sweet angel was very unique, a one of a kind child, and I think that each child is individual and special...and deserves his/her own name.  So should we get far enough along to pick names, we would definitely pick an alternate one.  We didn't buy anything this time around, as I had just begun to show... but we had looked at some items on a US shopping trip and had started planning the nursery...we just never got to act on it.  I don't know what I'll want the second time around, I guess it will depend on how I feel.  All I know for sure is that if people ask [which they will] if this is our first, I will definitely say that its our second child.