Oh it's a really bad pain day today!

I fully realize that this blog is like a great private journal, where I can dump all my frustrations, anger and loss...and also pain.  I feel bad about that, that you, as the reader, gets to only read about the crappy part of my life, which admittedly, lately is the greater portion of it.  Maybe, like me, you're hoping to see some upbeat, happy posts, but so far I've disappointed you in that department.  I think that part of that stems from the fact that I feel the need to write when I'm having a tough time. Now don't worry, I won't abandon you when things pick up...did you notice that?  I said when, not if.  I guess that's optimism right there!


Last night, I made a date with a girl-friend from work.  I hadn't seen her since last fall, but although we worked together and have known each other via work for about 14 years, we really don't socialize much.  Since I've been sick, she's been the only one who chats to me on messenger when she sees that I'm online, she emails, she listens and she cares.  Out of all my personal friends, she seems to be the only true friend who has stuck with me during these difficult times.

from: http://pricetags.wordpress.com/2011/02/04/small-wheels-big-revolutions

So we met up last night at the local pub for a bite to each and chat.  Before meeting her, I decided to drop by the grocery store and pick up some items for the refrigerator, which was looking a little bare.  I put my quarter in, got my cart, and quickly noticed that it was "sticking" to one side, meaning that I had to correct it to make it go straight.  I was too lazy to go back, put this cart back, retrieve my quarter, go to another row and get another cart. I figured, what the heck, I only have a few items to pick up.  Armed with my grocery list I set off.  As it turned out, I fought this cart for 20 solid minutes while I was in the store.  Within the first few minutes I felt my back start to have those hot, sharp spasms.  The next few minutes brought on the usual radiating pain down my leg.  Soon, I was hunched over, unable to straighten up.  Making a turn into an aisle was almost impossible once the cart had a few items in it.  I just kept thinking of the finish line.  I finally made it to the till, paid for my items, packed them into my fabric grocery bags, then had to put them back into this darned cart, in order to get them to the car.  By the time I was at my tailgate, I was so exhausted that I was hot and clammy.  I was so thankful that I took my cane in with me as I desperately needed it to get back to the car.  I guess that is the frustrating part for me that I have to take my cane with me wherever I go, as I never know when I'll over-exert myself and be limping back.


By the time I reached the pub, I was so hobbling along.  We had a great time catching up and chatting.  I must admit that I was jealous of the glass of wine that she ordered.  I had to have just water, as with my meds, I'm very careful when driving, fully realizing that should someone hit me I could still be subjected to a breathalyzer and a glass of wine combined with my pain meds makes for a bad combo.  So I watched her sip her wine as she listened to me whine.  I appreciated that, that she didn't try to gloss over my pain and heartache- she just listened and offered support.  About 90 minutes in, she noticed that I was squirming in my seat. To be fair, I'd been squirming since the moment I sat down, but the frequency increased from changing positions every 10-15 minutes, to every 2-3.  She asked if we should call it a night, but stubbornly I said "Nah, I'm having a good time, let's chat for a bit longer".  These words would haunt me for the rest of the night.

from http://bayswater.ca/2010/05/chronic-pain-won’t-go-away

After spending 2 hours at the pub, I came home.  While in the car, I could feel my back and legs throbbing.  By the time I came home, I was exhausted.  I lay down on the couch in front of the fire as I felt cold - Freddie said it wasn't that cold in the house, but I find that when I'm in pain, I feel cold faster.  I spent the rest of the night on the couch.  On top of my regular fentanyl/amitryptaline cocktail, I downed 3 extra strength tylenols.  An hour passed and I felt not an ounce of relief.  I got the heating pad and set it to high and it must have offered some relief as I nodded off for a bit while watching "House".  By the time I crawled into bed, there were four of us there: besides Freddie and I, there was also the cat and the heating pad.  I had a lot of trouble falling asleep as I ached and hurt everywhere.  I couldn't move the heating pad fast enough from spot to spot, from my back, to my knees, to my hands, to my shoulders.  I know I was awake for a while, then finally dozed off.


The night was long. I woke up so many times!  This morning, I was groggier than most days.  Usually I get up with Freddie, make his coffee, breakfast and pack him a lunch while he gets ready for work.  No, we're not the Cleaver's, but I figure that this is my small contribution to his day, as I already feel that our roles are grossly out of balance.  This morning, I couldn't get out of bed.  Everything ached and throbbed.  I kept tossing and turning, only half sleeping - you know the feeling, when you're sleeping lightly and feel every ache and pain.  The Fertility Clinic woke me up at 8:30am - they couldn't find my file ( oh yes, I did get a new health card and changed my maiden name to my married name).  By 9:30am I gave up trying to sleep.  I was tired and exhausted.


It's now 11:30am. I've taken my Tylenol's, had breakfast and I'm resting on the couch.  My back and legs are throbbing in pain and I'm pretty uncomfortable and in a fair amount of pain.  It's crazy that I have to REST after breakfast!  It's crazy that a wobbly shopping cart can kick my a** in 20 minutes or less.  It's unbelievable that sitting with a friend for a mere 120 minutes was the cause of pain for the next slew of hours - but this is the new me.  I'm still getting used to this.  I still get scared and cry when I think that this might be the rest of my life.  For a Type A gal, it's hard to realize I have no control over any of this.


To add to the mix, the Fertility Clinic called back, agreeing to send me for a second opinion to another clinic (I'll write more about that later), so that made me really happy.  This happiness was dashed when Dr. Phil came on TV, which is usually on to keep me company during the day, and I got sucked into a story of a 15 year old girl who purposefully tried to induce a miscarriage, as she was scared to tell her parents, then suffered a still birth, felt remorse and guilt, took photos of her baby and buried the body nearby.  I couldn't stop listening to the show...  


I had planned on going out today, but at this point I'm not sure if I"ll be able to.  Let's hope tomorrow is a better day!

Another BFN!!

So I finally feel like I've brought this blog up to date and where I am today.  I will admit that it wasn't easy to go through all these memories and thoughts, and in a way, relive this experience "from a distance".

As you know, this was the first month that I felt "ready" to move on with having a family once again.  Our sweet angel is just that, an angel in heaven at the feet of God, perpetually in God's warmth and light. I know I don't have to worry about our angel as our sweet baby is in the care of God and His angels... but I still can't help but wish that I could hold our baby and have him/her here with us.  I've been praying for our angel's happiness, for good health for our family [as I desperately need it] and for another baby.  I'm starting to feel like its turning into a little bit of an obsession - all I can think about is having a baby, but it was such a long journey the first time, that I'm worried that this is some unattainable dream...

We are trying again, and I'm kind of sad and upset because I'm expecting my third period since our loss any day now...and I don't think we conceived this time again.  It took us so long last time that I'm scared it won't happen for us. My husband is trying to stay positive, but I'm having a tougher time.  I finally feel like I'm finally emotionally "ready" (or as ready as I could be) to move forward, and my body is failing me again.  I'm charting my BBT and observing all the signs, we even purchased PreSeed on the advice of a friend, and I don't think any of it helped.  My cycle had always been a bit irregular and since the miscarriage, I can only go on what happened last month. So based on that, AF should have arrived anytime between this past sunday and today... and so far still no sign of AF. I've taken multiple pregnancy tests and they all come back NEGATIVE, including this morning.  I'm using the internet tests, and I don't even see the faintest of lines, nothing, zip, zilch, zero!!!  I keep hoping and praying, but I just feel so defeated!!  


I can't really talk to anyone about this, as my friends just don't understand.  In the past, they've questioned if we should even have kids, in light of my back problems and requirement to take meds.  I've been questioned on the following:
     -will you be able to take care of a baby?
     -will you be able to carry a baby to term?
     -what if your child inherits your back problems?
     -will your meds affect your baby's development?
     -you won't be able to do "everything" with your child, aren't you depriving them?
     -why don't you just adopt?
I do appreciate their concerns, but sometimes I feel like people don't think we're capable of making this decision.  For the record, Freddie and I had a lot of frank discussions before we got married.  I made it very clear what our life could possibly look like - if I were to end up in a wheelchair (God forbid!), would he stick around with me or with our family?  And the answer was a resounding yes. But I guess the bottom line is that we can't plan life on "what if's".  There will always be "what if's" that are unavoidable.  So here are my answers to the questions above.
     Of course I'll be able to take care of a baby!  As long as I'm careful in how I do things, pace myself and take my time, I should be fine.  We've also considered certain aids that would make my life easier, like a drop down crib. Now before I get lambasted for this dangerous type of crib, in my case, it would be very difficult to lean over a crib to pick up a baby. So as long as its assembled appropriately, I think that this would be of great help to us. I'm fully aware that once we have a toddler on our hands, odds are that Freddie would be the only one lifting our child, but I'm certain that I can show love and cuddles in other ways. Its not all about carrying your child around.
     I know I can carry a baby to term - I've asked!!  As soon as I found out I had this back problem, that was one of my concerns, and I've been assured by multiple physicians, therapists and physiatrists that yes, I can make it through a pregnancy. Apparently, there might be some bed rest involved at the end, but my mom tells me that she was told she'd be on bed rest while pregnant with me (due to her back problems), and that wasn't the case... and that was over 30 years ago!!!
     Inheriting my back problems is certainly a concern, as I would never want to purposefully inflict this type of pain on anyone, especially my child.  I would also hate for him/her to have my "thunder thighs" (I still remember Freddie laughing hysterically the first time he heard me describe them this way, as clearly he didn't see them this way :-)  ), or my need for glasses, or  Freddie's need for glasses, or the history of diabetes on Freddie's side, and the list goes on and on.  The back problems that I have are different than those of my mom, as I clearly didn't inherit her issues, I was blessed with my own.  There is simply no way of knowing what our child may or may not inherit, so we can't let that stop us from starting a family.
     I think that I've mentioned this before, that when we were merely thinking about a baby, we visited an endocrinologist who reviewed all my medications and gave us indications of what was safe or not.  The only concern that exists is the pain medication that I take, as it may cause a mild withdrawal symptom at birth and a possibly lower birth weight.  Several physicians have assured me that these are not major issues and that we are not talking about a crack baby here.  I've read all the available studies out there and the above occurred in dosages that were 2-3 times mine - my current dosage is unlikely to increase that much anytime soon.  I've also read studies where women on a slightly higher dosage than mine had a completely uneventful and normal delivery, with a healthy baby or normal weight, with no withdrawal symptoms whatsoever.  I've also visited a forum for chronic pain where several ladies have stories of healthy babies growing into healthy toddlers and beyond. I've also been assured that there is no evidence of my meds contributing to any physical, developmental or behavioural issues later on.  I really feel like we've done our homework here.
     There is certainly a chance that I won't be able to do "everything" with our child - at the moment, I can't ski, snowboard, rollerblade, etc.  For the record, though, I also can't windsurf, play chess or skydive, as I simply don't know how.  My physical limitations are significant to my daily life and I do need help around the house, but although I can't do some things, I can still do others... and our children would still have a fantastic father who would love to do things with them as well.  
     Adoption - yes, why don't we?  Well, although I'm very open to adoption, I also want to experience having a child of my own.  I want to see Freddie's eyes and my lips looking back at me.  I want to know what that connection with our child is like and I want to know what it's like to have a baby.  We are open to adopting other children, but the reality is that we would probably adopt an older child, as there are very few babies available through the Children's Aid Society.  In order to adopt a baby, we would need to go through a private agency or possibly look internationally - I've looked into it and simply filing the paperwork requires a starting retainer of $10-15,000.  By the time the adoption is complete, we could be looking at $40,000 or more...and who can afford that??


It just seems that there is a challenge at every step of this journey!!  It just seems that everyone is able to achieve this simple task, except me. I know there is still a slight chance this month as AF isn't here yet, but its just not looking likely, and I just feel so sad again.  I was hoping that there might be a glimmer of hope and happiness for Christmas...

What next???

I've been pondering, since I'm at home with a lot of time to think...maybe too much... but I've been pondering, what is our next move?  Should we start trying for another baby right away? Should we wait?

I read the recent study which indicated that there is no need to wait 6 months post miscarriage to have another baby. In fact, it seems that women who conceive within 6-months have a lower rate of miscarrying again. This is very encouraging, especially for someone like me, who is "age challenged".

At my age, and with the possibility of a fairly serious surgery in the future, we can't really wait. I'm seeing a specialist in the New Year and I hope that they will offer me a surgical option...I figure that with the wait time, I'll have approximately 9-12 months prior to surgery.  If I wait post surgery to think about getting pregnant, I'll be in my late 30's and that could be too late...so we're between a rock and a hard place. We can't afford IVF [and I don't agree with it on moral grounds...the disposal of embryos part], we won't be able to afford adoption either, as that gets expensive soon.  

This "next steps" thought process actually makes me upset sometimes.  Last weekend seemed particularly difficult...it started one evening when Freddie went out with his friends for beers and I stayed home. I was annoyed that my friends hadn't called to get together or drop by to see me...and I was in a fair bit of pain...and the mind starts to wander.  There is no doubt in my mind that no future child will replace our angel, and not a day goes by that I don't think and pray for our baby - but we also want to have a family.  Physically, we got the green light right away...but honestly, I don't think we'll ever be 100% emotionally ready, knowing the risks and knowing the heartache of losing a child. We both fully realize that the next pregnancy will not be the same - it won't be happy, but rather scary and nerve racking all the way...I don't think any amount of counselling can change that, but time is not on our side, so I guess the decision has been made for us.

When our angel left, we did use a unisex name, and openly use it at home - I hope you don't mind, if for the purposes of the blog, I simply refer to our baby as our Angel.  I know that if we are blessed to have another baby, we would not name any future children with our angel's name.  Our sweet angel was very unique, a one of a kind child, and I think that each child is individual and special...and deserves his/her own name.  So should we get far enough along to pick names, we would definitely pick an alternate one.  We didn't buy anything this time around, as I had just begun to show... but we had looked at some items on a US shopping trip and had started planning the nursery...we just never got to act on it.  I don't know what I'll want the second time around, I guess it will depend on how I feel.  All I know for sure is that if people ask [which they will] if this is our first, I will definitely say that its our second child.

Awkward moments...

We had an awkward situation this weekend. We were at a goodbye party for some friends that were moving and ran into my husbands former boss... a jovial guy who speaks before he thinks, and before we knew it, he asked if we were making babies yet... we both felt like we turned to stone, not knowing what to say. I couldn't even think of a smartass joke-type comment...he actually said that the awkward silence that followed clearly showed it was none of his business and he laughed. In retrospect....probably the best answer we could have given him!

I feel like a Yo-Yo!!

It seems that my state of mind depends on the day, what's going on, how I'm feeling, etc.  The weekend seemed to be much better, and my husband, as if on cue, told me all the things that I needed to hear...and I didn't even tell him about my "freak out" thoughts. It does seem though that I feel a lot better, then come back to this dark place of despair once in a while...but I also tend to think that this might be a bit normal.  In my case, I also have a lot more to deal with, considering my long term illness.  I don't know if I want to talk to a counsellor... I've heard from some people that its a chance to talk it out...but I would hope that there would also be an element of learning strategies to cope with this grief and sadness. Anyway, a recommendation always goes a lot further than just picking someone out of the phonebook.

I created a lovely memory box for our angel and put in it all the things I could: the pregnancy test, my hospital ID bracelets, prescriptions, info on follow up care, the ultrasound photo, the letter I wrote to our angel, as well as the few cards and flowers that we received.  I know that our baby's birth day [due date] and death anniversary will always be engraved on our hearts.  I I haven't put away all the sympathy cards yet...soon.

I also realize that part of sharing my story via this blog is to establish a new set of friends and support network.  I've been reading many blogs over the last few months and just didn't feel ready to share yet, but I really valued the support and friendships which blossomed between these women who didn't even know each other...and I'd love to be part of this group. As my mom always reminds me, we don't pick our families...we pick our friends. So my family will always be that, family... but I realize that I lack a good girlfriend in whom I can confide...I thought I had that, but clearly not...

Down in the dumps!

I seem to have entered the dumps and can't quite seem to drag myself back  to the top. It just feels like everything is out of control.  I'm praying that surgery will be able to help me get my life back. I just feel so worthless and useless right now. My self-esteeem and self-worth are hitting rock bottom. I still get out and try to do as much as I can, but I just don't feel worthy or deserving of anything at the moment. My husband is being amazing, but even my mom mentioned that he didn't sign up for all of this. We are getting along well and there are no problems, but I have this gnawing thought that has been bugging me lately - when is he going to say "enough" and move on? This is so totally irrational as I don't think its going to happen, but its my greatest fear. Due to my illness, we don't do much, we don't go out, I don't even laugh as much as I used to...my body is failing me in so many areas. I don't contribute to the household as much as I used to, financially or with work. My career prospects are dim at the moment...everything is out of control.

Anyway, back to the topic at hand...the memorial service was actually very nice. It was a cold and rainy day and it turned out that the service was private. I thought it was going to be part of the regular daily mass, but it turned out that that particular church didn't have a mass and that my friend, the priest, presided over a mass just for us. My inlaws came and my mom did too. We got flowers from all of them for our 3rd wedding anniversary which was the same day. It was really nice to have our sweet angel acknowledged publicly. It was just us in a large quiet church. It was so somber and fitting.  I did wonder if perhaps we should have invited the rest of the family, but on the flip side, I didn't want that fake pleasantry or the fake support. I had hoped that my friend might have done something a little more special, like maybe get us a candle or a medallion for our baby, but he's a typical guy and didn't think of it...that's OK. So the service was just a regular mass with a few blessings and the main intention was for our angel's eternal rest and to thank God for blessing us with this baby in the first place.  I did write a letter to our sweet baby on Oct 15th...and I cried throughout the whole thing. All those dreams and hopes ...dashed. 

Thanksgiving was OK. Support? Ha!  Dinner at my in-laws went OK. One of my brothers in law, about halfway through dinner, mentioned that he was sorry to hear about our loss [2 months later...a little late, eh?] and are we going to try again. Wow, talk about jumping from one thing to the next and invading our privacy! He hasn't spoken to us in months and then asks us about our private family plans...I was glad that Freddie answered him, as I could feel the tears welling up and my throat getting tight. That was it...no further mention.  Then, when we all disclosed what we were thankful for this year, I was honest, I said that I was thankful that despite this difficult time, I was thankful that things weren't worse - I'm chronically ill, I'm worried that I may not have a job to go back to, we lost our baby, and both my husband and I were lucky that I didn't lose my life or our ability to have kids in the future...and the brother in law made a snide remark that that was a silly thing to be thankful for and I wasn't taking it seriously. Walk a mile in our shoes buddy before you talk...we all know too well how insensitive people are ...wish I could say that these remarks get easier to handle, but they just don't :-(    


Then we had dinner with my family on the Monday, and my dear aunt/godmother, the one who hasn't said a word to us (and its hurtful as our family is very close, or so I thought, and she claims to be the proper etiquette expert and never fails to point our anyone else's errors, yet she can't see that the 'proper' thing would be to at least send a card...). I went over to hug her hello and she said, "Oh don't bother bending down"...she could have stood up to say hello. So I took that to mean "don't really bother". She didn't say a word to either of us all day and at the end, she said goodbye to everyone else except us. She was leaving so I went to the door to say goodbye to my grandmother who was going with her, and she just waved as she walked out the door...but had hugged and said a proper goodbye to everyone else. In a way I'm glad that she didn't say anything, as I think that no matter what she would have said, I'd be mad at her. It just makes family get togethers really odd...I guess I can do the polite thing and respect my elders, but know that deep down she's just hurtful and never count on her support again.

My husbands siblings have also chosen to ignore us. My closest friends have also stayed away. My two friends who lost babies have also stayed away. I met up once, with my friend who lost a baby 16 years ago, and that was it. I think that she also thinks I need to suck it up and move on. My other friend has a little girl, but has lost 3 babies over the last 5 years...I think that perhaps talking to me just opens up wounds and that is why she's avoiding me and my emails...that's what I think as I don't really know.  I'm just so disappointed that at tough times like these, we're supposed to be able to count on friends and family...and I sadly realize that I can't count on one or the other. We did, however, get a sympathy card from my husbands great-aunt. She didn't write much, but that simple gesture meant so much...oddly, we see her about once every 2 years, and she felt compelled to send a note...it was really nice.

I did write a letter to my mother-in-law, and I didn't lambaste her for being insensitive, but I just explained how hard this was for us, how supportive her son has been and how overworked he is [aka stop asking him to do stuff for you, he has his own worries]. I also said that our angel brought us closer together and that I was planning on calling them "mom" and "dad"...she seemed to get it a bit after that and there have been no more insensitive comments. I think that maybe she realized that we were more affected by this than she thought...Freddie tends to put up the 'we're fine" face, and I think they need to know that we're not fine. They did display our angel's ultrasound at Thanksgiving... 

We've started trying again. I finally got my period a couple of weeks ago...I was getting worried as it was almost 9 weeks for it to arrive. It took us so long to get pregnant last time [over a year and a half], that I don't feel like we have time to wait. We're both in our mid-30's, so for me, I don't have much time before the infertility gets worse. I really feel like its now or never. I want another baby, as we both want a family, but I don't want that to overshadow our angel. I don't know if I'm emotionally ready, there is so much going on with me in terms of medical stuff, not working...it would give me something to focus on...I just don't know. I figure that God will decide if its right or not...I'm not sure how I'll feel...I don't know if we're even going to be lucky enough to have a baby again....

Another aspect is that it seems that Freddie has moved on and I'm left in the dumps alone.  It  helps Freddie that he goes to work and has to return to a normal life, while I stay at home and wallow in my grief. I don't even know if its grief or just frustration at my entire "life" situation right now. I'm seriously thinking that if this funk doesn't change soon, maybe I do need to go talk with a counsellor...my fears are starting to get the better of me.  I don't want to only talk, I'd like to get some advice and strategies to use...I just feel so lost right now. I thought I was doing well and things were getting better, and then suddenly I feel like crap all over again...hormones perhaps? Oh I don't know..I'm just all over the map right now...  I wish I could go away on vacation somewhere and regroup.  I seem to wish for so much lately....

Who I THOUGHT I could COUNT on....

In case you're confused by the multiple posts per day, I'm including some of the thoughts from my diary, about how I felt about things over the last few months.  As I've decided to blog, I'm trying to bring you up to date on where we are today.
I guess the topic of friends, family and support is often addressed in cases of a baby loss.  These are people who have been part of my life for a long time, people on whom I thought I could count in good times and bad - I mean they were there to bask in the good times!

Friends.  Let's see. We didn't tell anyone until after the first trimester, so most people didn't know. Neither our friends nor family have been anything but "ok...now get over it" attitude.  Only my in-laws and my mom have been really good about it.  I did sent out an email notice to close family and friends to share our sad news and barely got any replies back.  I got a card from a work friend, and another one from a colleague who said "she knew how much I wanted to be pregnant"...what?  It was a To Cheer You type of card. It wasn't about being pregnant, it was about the baby that we lost!!  My brothers in law have not communicated with us at all, most of my family hasn't said much either.  I have two friends, one came over and spent about 4 hours with me, the other spent 2 hours chatting with me - they both went through this....we haven't talked since.  I get the vibe from the first one that she also thinks I need to move on.... other than that, I've really had no friends step up and let me talk or offer me a shoulder to cry on. I'm shocked and really disappointed. I think of all the times I was there for them....  I think that the relationship has changed with our families - I feel like I'm done putting up with crap from them. I don't want "fake" sympathy now...but I've learned that I can't count on them at all. Its really hurtful and so extremely disappointing.

It seems that friends are usually great in good times, but when you need them, very few step up and help. I don't feel the need to talk to them about this, as it will end in an argument and I know they don't "get it" regardless of how much I want them to understand.  So I think I'll muddle through as is, then share some good news with them next time there is some and leave it at that...

We haven't had any baby news in our immediate circle, except for my next door neighbour who is due 10 days after our due date. There are some girls at work who are due, but I do not intent on going to their showers...I just can't do it.  We had our angels' memorial service -we only invited our parents, as I don't want that fake family support now...where were they all when we needed them?  We didn't get cards or flowers or a casserole. It would have been great if someone had offered to make us dinner...but we got nothing. In fact, my mother in law pointed out that we should be calling her two other sons, because one also has a chronic illness and he gets "lonely" and the other one has kids and is busy. I was so upset - they never called us, they never expressed condolences, I'm also home on disability leave for a chronic condition and no one calls me, but somehow I'm supposed to reach out to others? It just seemed to take the cake!  My family is Catholic and we're supposed to believe that a baby has a soul from conception, yet somehow, my family and friends don't really practice that belief...if they did, they'd understand that we lost a child, not a pregnancy. You know, the more I think about it, the madder I feel at my family & friends for their apathetic response to this. It just really makes me feel so totally alone...

There are days like today, when I'm really sad about the whole thing. The loss of our baby, the lack of family support, etc.  Then there are days when I have to remember that our baby was actually real.  We had tried for so long to have a baby, that it almost seems like a distant dream...and I'm almost back to feeling like we're never going to have kids.  I still don't get out much - I really don't want to be out with people too much - I listen to their gripes and I can't help but think "Big deal, its not as if you lost your baby or anything".  Sometimes, I still do the count to see where we would have been now. In fact, we're went to a wedding in November, and I was really looking forward to showing up  in a loose dress, showing off our happy news...and I'll be thinking of how it might have been...

Wow, writing this has really made me sentimental and has made me sadder than I was before.  I guess I still can't really accept that this has happened to us...

Thanks for "listening".