Letter to My Child

From: http://karenswhimsy.com/public-domain-images/tiny-angels/tiny-angels-3.shtm

My dearest child, how I've missed you these last 6 months.  We would have been excited to see you enter the world and take you place as our firstborn.  I had prayed and waited for you, for a long time.  I was looking forward to hearing your gurgling and laughter in the house, to proudly showing you off to our friends and family, to cuddling with you and daddy, and knowing that we all shared such a special bond.  Instead, it's a gloomy and rainy March day and the house is quiet and so very sad without you.  We have no grave to visit, no marker to show the world that you were here - only the huge imprint on our hearts of the few who loved and love you so dearly.


I think of you daily.  I miss you so much - I wish that you were still here with us *****!  We love you so very much.  Even though I know that you are taken care of and loved by the angels, I can't help but wish that we had more time with you.  That we could take care of you and tell you how much we love you.


I had planned to visit the cemetery today, to somehow visit you, but its raining out there - so maybe tomorrow.  I baked a little cake for you, so that daddy and I can celebrate your birthday after dinner.  You'll never be forgotten *****, you will always be a large part of us, especially since you may be our only child, the only proof of how much we love each other and how much we wanted you as part of our family.  We light a candle for you most nights my sweet baby and we lit a candle at yesterday, Ash Wednesday.


I'd do anything to have you back with us.  The last months since your death have been so hard and lonely without you.  Now, as we begin Lent, the sadness is back - I just have to remember that there is light at the end of this journey - there will be a time when we meet, when we'll get to hold and cuddle you, make you smile and laugh, and show you ho much you are loved.

From:  http://wordexpertise.com/tag/private-life/

I don't dream of you, but I wish I did.  I picture you as a large baby, with 'peach fuzz" hair, who is always content and laughing.  I can see daddy nuzzling with you, as if the two of you shared a secret.  Today, I should have heard your first cry, but please know that we've loved you since the moment we knew.


Loving you always ~
    Mommy

This should have been my due date

From: http://lightworkers.org/blog/126446/two-new-babies-born-heaven

Today, I wrote a letter to my child, on the day of his/her birth.  Somehow, I thought that **** would have been a boy, not sure why, but just a feeling.  A baby that had been prayed for, for a long time, a baby that was so desperately wanted.  I told * how much he was loved and missed each day and I pray that my words reach him via angels' wings - but for me, I just have another letter to put in *'s memory box.


Today should have been a day of happiness and laughter.  We should have been anxiously awaiting *'s birth.  I should have been able to hear * cry for the very first time, get to see his scrunched up little face and feel him in our arms, between our embrace.  Instead, it's three o'clock and I'm still in my PJ's, resting on the couch on this rainy and miserable March day, wiping away my tears.  Our home should have been bustling with activity and the cooing sounds of a baby, but the silence is deafening and it seems lonelier than most days.

From: www.beautyofthelord.com/a_letter_from_heaven.htm

I had hoped to make it out to the cemetery to lay some flowers at Our Mother's feet, but I'm achy today and the rain is making me stay home - Perhaps I'll make it out there tomorrow.  After all, it's not like * is actually there - he's at God's feet, surrounded by angels, his tiny little earthly body probably making it out to the lake or ocean, being one with God's nature.  I hope to drop a flower wreath into our river on his angelversary, but for today, we'll just remember our child, we'll have the small cake that I made for his Birthday, and we'll send our love and our hearts to him in heaven.


Last night, while we were at Ash Wednesday Mass, we sang the hymn Ashes, which I had never heard before.  Some of the lyrics were so profound that I had tears in my eyes, as I thought about the symbolism of the ashes and my own grief for *, I've highlighted the poignant parts:



We rise again from ashes,
from the good we've failed to do.
We rise again from ashes,
to create ourselves anew.
If all our world is ashes,
then must our lives be true,
An offering of ashes,
An offering to You.
          We offer You our failures,
          we offer You attempts;
          The gifts not fully given,
          the dreams not fully dreamt.
          Give our stumblings direction,
          give our visions wider view,
          An offering of ashes,
          An offering to You.
Then rise again from ashes,
let healing come to pain;
Though spring has turned to winter,
and sunshine turned to rain.
The rain we'll use for growing,
and create the world anew,
From an offering of ashes,
An offering to You.
          ... Thanks be to the Father,
          who made us like Himself.
          ... Thanks be to His Son,
          who saved us by His death.
          ... Thanks be to the Spirit,
          who creates the world anew,
          From an offering of ashes,
          An offering to You.

From: http://www.1freechurch.org/Forms/child-dedication.htm

I visited the page for I Spoke With My Child - it's been a while since I'd been there.  I imagined that this was a conversation I could have with *.  I broke down again.  All the pain of the last months, all that missing, all that loneliness and all the love flooded over me and I cried again with unending tears.  You will always be loved and missed...never forgotten.

Down in the dumps!

I seem to have entered the dumps and can't quite seem to drag myself back  to the top. It just feels like everything is out of control.  I'm praying that surgery will be able to help me get my life back. I just feel so worthless and useless right now. My self-esteeem and self-worth are hitting rock bottom. I still get out and try to do as much as I can, but I just don't feel worthy or deserving of anything at the moment. My husband is being amazing, but even my mom mentioned that he didn't sign up for all of this. We are getting along well and there are no problems, but I have this gnawing thought that has been bugging me lately - when is he going to say "enough" and move on? This is so totally irrational as I don't think its going to happen, but its my greatest fear. Due to my illness, we don't do much, we don't go out, I don't even laugh as much as I used to...my body is failing me in so many areas. I don't contribute to the household as much as I used to, financially or with work. My career prospects are dim at the moment...everything is out of control.

Anyway, back to the topic at hand...the memorial service was actually very nice. It was a cold and rainy day and it turned out that the service was private. I thought it was going to be part of the regular daily mass, but it turned out that that particular church didn't have a mass and that my friend, the priest, presided over a mass just for us. My inlaws came and my mom did too. We got flowers from all of them for our 3rd wedding anniversary which was the same day. It was really nice to have our sweet angel acknowledged publicly. It was just us in a large quiet church. It was so somber and fitting.  I did wonder if perhaps we should have invited the rest of the family, but on the flip side, I didn't want that fake pleasantry or the fake support. I had hoped that my friend might have done something a little more special, like maybe get us a candle or a medallion for our baby, but he's a typical guy and didn't think of it...that's OK. So the service was just a regular mass with a few blessings and the main intention was for our angel's eternal rest and to thank God for blessing us with this baby in the first place.  I did write a letter to our sweet baby on Oct 15th...and I cried throughout the whole thing. All those dreams and hopes ...dashed. 

Thanksgiving was OK. Support? Ha!  Dinner at my in-laws went OK. One of my brothers in law, about halfway through dinner, mentioned that he was sorry to hear about our loss [2 months later...a little late, eh?] and are we going to try again. Wow, talk about jumping from one thing to the next and invading our privacy! He hasn't spoken to us in months and then asks us about our private family plans...I was glad that Freddie answered him, as I could feel the tears welling up and my throat getting tight. That was it...no further mention.  Then, when we all disclosed what we were thankful for this year, I was honest, I said that I was thankful that despite this difficult time, I was thankful that things weren't worse - I'm chronically ill, I'm worried that I may not have a job to go back to, we lost our baby, and both my husband and I were lucky that I didn't lose my life or our ability to have kids in the future...and the brother in law made a snide remark that that was a silly thing to be thankful for and I wasn't taking it seriously. Walk a mile in our shoes buddy before you talk...we all know too well how insensitive people are ...wish I could say that these remarks get easier to handle, but they just don't :-(    


Then we had dinner with my family on the Monday, and my dear aunt/godmother, the one who hasn't said a word to us (and its hurtful as our family is very close, or so I thought, and she claims to be the proper etiquette expert and never fails to point our anyone else's errors, yet she can't see that the 'proper' thing would be to at least send a card...). I went over to hug her hello and she said, "Oh don't bother bending down"...she could have stood up to say hello. So I took that to mean "don't really bother". She didn't say a word to either of us all day and at the end, she said goodbye to everyone else except us. She was leaving so I went to the door to say goodbye to my grandmother who was going with her, and she just waved as she walked out the door...but had hugged and said a proper goodbye to everyone else. In a way I'm glad that she didn't say anything, as I think that no matter what she would have said, I'd be mad at her. It just makes family get togethers really odd...I guess I can do the polite thing and respect my elders, but know that deep down she's just hurtful and never count on her support again.

My husbands siblings have also chosen to ignore us. My closest friends have also stayed away. My two friends who lost babies have also stayed away. I met up once, with my friend who lost a baby 16 years ago, and that was it. I think that she also thinks I need to suck it up and move on. My other friend has a little girl, but has lost 3 babies over the last 5 years...I think that perhaps talking to me just opens up wounds and that is why she's avoiding me and my emails...that's what I think as I don't really know.  I'm just so disappointed that at tough times like these, we're supposed to be able to count on friends and family...and I sadly realize that I can't count on one or the other. We did, however, get a sympathy card from my husbands great-aunt. She didn't write much, but that simple gesture meant so much...oddly, we see her about once every 2 years, and she felt compelled to send a note...it was really nice.

I did write a letter to my mother-in-law, and I didn't lambaste her for being insensitive, but I just explained how hard this was for us, how supportive her son has been and how overworked he is [aka stop asking him to do stuff for you, he has his own worries]. I also said that our angel brought us closer together and that I was planning on calling them "mom" and "dad"...she seemed to get it a bit after that and there have been no more insensitive comments. I think that maybe she realized that we were more affected by this than she thought...Freddie tends to put up the 'we're fine" face, and I think they need to know that we're not fine. They did display our angel's ultrasound at Thanksgiving... 

We've started trying again. I finally got my period a couple of weeks ago...I was getting worried as it was almost 9 weeks for it to arrive. It took us so long to get pregnant last time [over a year and a half], that I don't feel like we have time to wait. We're both in our mid-30's, so for me, I don't have much time before the infertility gets worse. I really feel like its now or never. I want another baby, as we both want a family, but I don't want that to overshadow our angel. I don't know if I'm emotionally ready, there is so much going on with me in terms of medical stuff, not working...it would give me something to focus on...I just don't know. I figure that God will decide if its right or not...I'm not sure how I'll feel...I don't know if we're even going to be lucky enough to have a baby again....

Another aspect is that it seems that Freddie has moved on and I'm left in the dumps alone.  It  helps Freddie that he goes to work and has to return to a normal life, while I stay at home and wallow in my grief. I don't even know if its grief or just frustration at my entire "life" situation right now. I'm seriously thinking that if this funk doesn't change soon, maybe I do need to go talk with a counsellor...my fears are starting to get the better of me.  I don't want to only talk, I'd like to get some advice and strategies to use...I just feel so lost right now. I thought I was doing well and things were getting better, and then suddenly I feel like crap all over again...hormones perhaps? Oh I don't know..I'm just all over the map right now...  I wish I could go away on vacation somewhere and regroup.  I seem to wish for so much lately....