Oh it's a really bad pain day today!

I fully realize that this blog is like a great private journal, where I can dump all my frustrations, anger and loss...and also pain.  I feel bad about that, that you, as the reader, gets to only read about the crappy part of my life, which admittedly, lately is the greater portion of it.  Maybe, like me, you're hoping to see some upbeat, happy posts, but so far I've disappointed you in that department.  I think that part of that stems from the fact that I feel the need to write when I'm having a tough time. Now don't worry, I won't abandon you when things pick up...did you notice that?  I said when, not if.  I guess that's optimism right there!


Last night, I made a date with a girl-friend from work.  I hadn't seen her since last fall, but although we worked together and have known each other via work for about 14 years, we really don't socialize much.  Since I've been sick, she's been the only one who chats to me on messenger when she sees that I'm online, she emails, she listens and she cares.  Out of all my personal friends, she seems to be the only true friend who has stuck with me during these difficult times.

from: http://pricetags.wordpress.com/2011/02/04/small-wheels-big-revolutions

So we met up last night at the local pub for a bite to each and chat.  Before meeting her, I decided to drop by the grocery store and pick up some items for the refrigerator, which was looking a little bare.  I put my quarter in, got my cart, and quickly noticed that it was "sticking" to one side, meaning that I had to correct it to make it go straight.  I was too lazy to go back, put this cart back, retrieve my quarter, go to another row and get another cart. I figured, what the heck, I only have a few items to pick up.  Armed with my grocery list I set off.  As it turned out, I fought this cart for 20 solid minutes while I was in the store.  Within the first few minutes I felt my back start to have those hot, sharp spasms.  The next few minutes brought on the usual radiating pain down my leg.  Soon, I was hunched over, unable to straighten up.  Making a turn into an aisle was almost impossible once the cart had a few items in it.  I just kept thinking of the finish line.  I finally made it to the till, paid for my items, packed them into my fabric grocery bags, then had to put them back into this darned cart, in order to get them to the car.  By the time I was at my tailgate, I was so exhausted that I was hot and clammy.  I was so thankful that I took my cane in with me as I desperately needed it to get back to the car.  I guess that is the frustrating part for me that I have to take my cane with me wherever I go, as I never know when I'll over-exert myself and be limping back.


By the time I reached the pub, I was so hobbling along.  We had a great time catching up and chatting.  I must admit that I was jealous of the glass of wine that she ordered.  I had to have just water, as with my meds, I'm very careful when driving, fully realizing that should someone hit me I could still be subjected to a breathalyzer and a glass of wine combined with my pain meds makes for a bad combo.  So I watched her sip her wine as she listened to me whine.  I appreciated that, that she didn't try to gloss over my pain and heartache- she just listened and offered support.  About 90 minutes in, she noticed that I was squirming in my seat. To be fair, I'd been squirming since the moment I sat down, but the frequency increased from changing positions every 10-15 minutes, to every 2-3.  She asked if we should call it a night, but stubbornly I said "Nah, I'm having a good time, let's chat for a bit longer".  These words would haunt me for the rest of the night.

from http://bayswater.ca/2010/05/chronic-pain-won’t-go-away

After spending 2 hours at the pub, I came home.  While in the car, I could feel my back and legs throbbing.  By the time I came home, I was exhausted.  I lay down on the couch in front of the fire as I felt cold - Freddie said it wasn't that cold in the house, but I find that when I'm in pain, I feel cold faster.  I spent the rest of the night on the couch.  On top of my regular fentanyl/amitryptaline cocktail, I downed 3 extra strength tylenols.  An hour passed and I felt not an ounce of relief.  I got the heating pad and set it to high and it must have offered some relief as I nodded off for a bit while watching "House".  By the time I crawled into bed, there were four of us there: besides Freddie and I, there was also the cat and the heating pad.  I had a lot of trouble falling asleep as I ached and hurt everywhere.  I couldn't move the heating pad fast enough from spot to spot, from my back, to my knees, to my hands, to my shoulders.  I know I was awake for a while, then finally dozed off.


The night was long. I woke up so many times!  This morning, I was groggier than most days.  Usually I get up with Freddie, make his coffee, breakfast and pack him a lunch while he gets ready for work.  No, we're not the Cleaver's, but I figure that this is my small contribution to his day, as I already feel that our roles are grossly out of balance.  This morning, I couldn't get out of bed.  Everything ached and throbbed.  I kept tossing and turning, only half sleeping - you know the feeling, when you're sleeping lightly and feel every ache and pain.  The Fertility Clinic woke me up at 8:30am - they couldn't find my file ( oh yes, I did get a new health card and changed my maiden name to my married name).  By 9:30am I gave up trying to sleep.  I was tired and exhausted.


It's now 11:30am. I've taken my Tylenol's, had breakfast and I'm resting on the couch.  My back and legs are throbbing in pain and I'm pretty uncomfortable and in a fair amount of pain.  It's crazy that I have to REST after breakfast!  It's crazy that a wobbly shopping cart can kick my a** in 20 minutes or less.  It's unbelievable that sitting with a friend for a mere 120 minutes was the cause of pain for the next slew of hours - but this is the new me.  I'm still getting used to this.  I still get scared and cry when I think that this might be the rest of my life.  For a Type A gal, it's hard to realize I have no control over any of this.


To add to the mix, the Fertility Clinic called back, agreeing to send me for a second opinion to another clinic (I'll write more about that later), so that made me really happy.  This happiness was dashed when Dr. Phil came on TV, which is usually on to keep me company during the day, and I got sucked into a story of a 15 year old girl who purposefully tried to induce a miscarriage, as she was scared to tell her parents, then suffered a still birth, felt remorse and guilt, took photos of her baby and buried the body nearby.  I couldn't stop listening to the show...  


I had planned on going out today, but at this point I'm not sure if I"ll be able to.  Let's hope tomorrow is a better day!