Would you use a sperm donor??

It's been a miserable, rainy, weekend, which allowed Freddie and I to have a 'lazy day', just cuddling on the couch.  I also made a phone-date with an old friend of mine.  I always have mixed feelings about our chats as we don't speak on a weekly or even a monthly basis, but when we do, its a 1-2 hour chat...and I'm not that crazy about hanging on the phone for that long.  In fact, I'd rather write letters, emails, skype, whatever, but I dread these looooooooong chats.  


Anyway, this time, our chat lasted 2:45!!!  It's really nice to catch up, but lately I find that I have some difficulty in being supportive to my friend, as I simply don't agree with her life choices.  Now, I'll preface this right off the bat by saying that I keep my opinion to myself, as sharing my views with her will only have a negative impact on our friendship.  So I bite my tongue, try to be as supportive as I can...and I keep biting my tongue.


My friend is in her 40's now, single and desperately wants a baby.  In her younger years, she focused more on her career and not on a family, but lately that has switched.  She has always done what worked for her, at times with little regard for others...like the time she had a relationship with a man old enough to be her father, who she knew was still living with his wife for the sake of his son [ big eye roll here, ugh!].  She works as a freelance consultant, so her work and income are not steady, and she has no private insurance - now, you may be thinking "But I thought Canada has free healthcare??", well, we do, in the sense that our doctor's visits are covered, as well as hospital treatment and stays, but our plan does not cover certain things like medications, fertility treatments, plastic surgery [unless necessary], etc.  So she is looking to not only fund her fertility treatments, which is not easy, but also pay for a private plan while pregnant in the event that something goes wrong.


Now, my friend is not overly religious and definitely has a different view on the world.  She wants to experience having a baby of her own and so is insisting on going through IUI and possibly IVF on her own.  As you can imagine, I have some strong feeling about this and the use of a sperm donor, and frankly it has nothing to do with religion.  Being raised by a single mom, I know what it's like to grow up without a dad around and I would never deliberately choose this option for my child.  I just feel that there are so many children in our foster care system who need a family or those in our Childrens' Aid Society who are hoping for an adoptive family, why not make that a priority?  Maybe my perspective is unique as I grew up without a dad, and although I had a wonderfully strong mother, who had the strength to leave an abusive alcoholic, it was only when I was dating and older that I understood how many issues I had with trusting men, believing that they really loved me and that they would stay when times got tough, as that had not been my experience in the past. Not to mention that my entire childhood was a financial struggle, not being able to be involved in hobbies or sports like other kids, as a teen having to take on part time work to help support the two of us and in general having to grow up way too fast.  Looking back I really feel like I didn't have much of a childhood - I had to take on tasks and decisions, as well as simply be aware of situations that were more adult than I was and I don't think it's fair to do that to a child.

Compliments of theNewsChronicle

So I feel that it is very selfish of my friend to deliberately bring a child into this world which will be condemned to a life with a single parent.  I feel that it is more advantageous to take a child already in this world, who has no parents or family to raise him/her, and improve their life by becoming their parent.  As parents, we do what is best for our children, not necessarily what we want or need.  


Now here are some other issues that I see coming down the line:
-you may be able to  help a child understand how they came into this world, but what will happen when this child turns 18 and fully understands the repercussions of his/her mother's decision?  Knowing that their mother was so selfish that she didn't consider what kind of life this child would have?
-my friend is using a sperm donor, who apparently is very popular.  She has no idea how many successful pregnancies this donor has had, so how exactly is she going to ensure that her future child will not date/marry a genetic sibling?  How do you even broach this subject, or even when do you talk about it in the dating cycle??  Will this child look into each face wondering if they are genetically related?
-I realize that these days sperm donors are required to provide a complete medical history, but who is to say that this guy is telling the truth?  What if this child will have more questions?  What if this child want to meet this donor?
-what if she has a special needs child? Does she have any clue what she is setting herself up for on her own?

Compliments of MomLogic

I have so many other 'what if' questions and worries for her.  I just feel that there are so many children, especially toddlers and older kids who are desperately looking for someone to love them and protect them.  Although I can completely understand her desire to know what it feels like to be pregnant and to go through the experience, I still feel that it is extremely selfish.  So when we talk and she complains how much all her fertility treatments are costing and how the few IUI's she's tried have not worked yet, I have to admit that it's hard for me to be supportive.  I know how she feels as we are also struggling to get pregnant, but we are married and are in a committed relationship, we have a stable income and good health insurance.  I also understand that she doesn't want to have a child with someone just for the sake of having a child, as then that person will always have a say in their upbringing, but I just honestly don't think that she should be having a baby alone!!!


Now, I've NEVER told her this.  I've been loving and supportive, and in fact, last night she was saying that another good friend had some of these concerns and shared them with her and my friend felt that nobody had a right to comment on her life unless they've walked a mile in her shoes - and I agree, however, there are other points of view that should be considered.  So I just told my friend that the role of all of us as her friends, is to be supportive and loving and keep our opinions to ourselves, as opposing views will only cause discourse in our friendship, and although I truly believe this, I also feel so sorry for this child already, even though she isn't even pregnant.


I'll keep her in my prayers that although she is not very religious, that perhaps God will move her heart towards adoption and encourage her to become an adoptive mother to a needy child, that she will look further at the repercussions of her actions and do what is best in the long run for her child, and not for herself.


Have you ever been in a position like mine, where you are supporting someone who you feel is acting a bit irresponsibly and selfishly?