Another year older, another year further behind?

You might be wondering about the title of this post, and yes, I do admit that it's confusing.  That's because I'm confused and unsettled.

From Psychology Today

Yesterday, my 37th birthday, should have been a day of celebrations, but instead it turned into a day of deep reflection for me.  I thought about where I was this year, compared to last year, and you know what?  I was no further ahead.  All day, I had this unsettled feeling linger over me, which continues today.  I started asking myself "Why am I here?", "What is the purpose of my life?", etc.  Now, let's be clear, I am NOT, nor have I ever contemplated suicide, so don't panic, this is NOT a cry for help... well, it is, but help in figuring out who I am... I'm definitely sticking around!!


Last year, on my 36th birthday, I was suffering from chronic pain, I was on sick leave, we were trying to have a baby, and I felt my life in limbo.  Now, a year later, I'm a year older, still suffering from chronic pain, still on sick leave, still trying to have a living child [as we have our Angel in heaven], and my life is still in limbo.  So what have I achieved this year?  It seems, not much.  So to admit this, for a Type A, always in control gal, is no small feat.


All my life, I had this feeling like I had been chosen by God for something bigger.  I had this notion that I had been selected to change the world, make an impact, leave my mark.  Lately, I wonder what my legacy will be - and each time I conclude that there won't be one.  Maybe this is coming from facing the realization that we may not be able to be parents, natural birth or adoptive, or perhaps this is facing the rest of my life with chronic pain that is causing these questions, I don't know.


I have always been goal driven.  I have always been in control and successful.  I was the first if my family to go to university, and then complete a Master's Degree.  Within a few years, I doubled my income and ran a department.  I had successes.  I had certificates on my office wall.  I was nominated for the Employee of the Year at our firm of 10,000 employees - twice!  I moved my mom and I out of our tiny apartment and bought a brand new condo, and paid it off within 8 years!  I travelled and saw new places and people.  I was respected in my ethnic community as a 'nice girl' and even more as a 'successful nice girl' - I was often the example of what to aspire to.  And I did it all on my own, overcoming incredible odds: being an immigrant, learning to speak English, growing up with a single mom, carrying 3 jobs throughout university to pay for it, never receiving a hand out from anyone - I did it all.  I had achieved each goal and dream which I had at that time.  And through it all was this feeling, this force that I was destined to make this world better.  


Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that things were easy.  I worked hard for all my successes.  At the age of 29, I started suffering from chronic pain, but with lots of hard work, within a year, we found a combo of meds that worked and let me continue living, skiing, scuba diving, biking, rollerblading, dancing, etc.  Within a few years, I found Freddie, we fell in love and got married.  Things were finally in place, all the pieces were there....till now.

From Insight Media Centres

My life is different now.  My life is filled with difficulty, pain, inability to do the things I enjoy, I feel 'different' from my friends, I don't think they understand my pain, both physical and emotional.  I am no longer a career woman, I am simply a 'disabled housewife' - what I mean by that is that I do the best I can to run our home, and that's it.  I'm not working and it seems that this may be a permanent thing.  My disability insurer wants me to apply to our federal disability program and I pray that I'm approved, as I can't see me going back to work with the pain which skyrockets when I'm more active, or simply stand/sit/walk for more than 20 minutes.  My career successes are over.  Even if I am somehow able to get back to work, I won't be able to make the choices that I want, they will be choices that are suitable for my disability.  My ability to have fun has also diminished - I can't ski, bike, rollerblade, dance, jog,  etc.  I used to love weddings - now they fill me with fear, as I know there will be sitting, standing and dancing, all of which are excruciating.  I used to strive towards things - a raise, an advancement, a dream vacation, etc.  I have no goals now.  I don't contribute to society in any meaningful way.  I can't volunteer.  I can't even really plan an activity as I don't know how I'll feel. 


I support Freddie as much as I can, and I know he loves me - but he doesn't need me.  Sometimes, I not only feel worthless and useless, but I also feel like I'm holding him back.  I've thought about how his life might look if he was single - he could meet and marry someone who is fertile, he would have a travel buddy once again [I mean we backpacked through Japan!], someone who is much more social and outgoing, simply, he'd have more fun.  But  I know that he chose me and chooses to stay, and I'm thankful for him each day.


I just can't shake this feeling that I have no purpose. No legacy. No reason for being here.  I don't feel chosen or special, I now feel like I was stupid and naive to think that I could make any great mark on this world.  I feel embarrassed to talk about my disability.  I'm embarrassed when people ask me what I do and I have to admit that I don't work.  I'm ashamed of being a drain on society.  I know that I still bring in an income through my work disability pension, but I don't feel like it's money I've earned.  I feel stuck in the same place for the last 12 months.  I have not moved forward.  I haven't achieved anything.  Instead, I'm hoping and praying to be approved for permanent disability - I don't know what I'll do if I'm not.  I can't go back to work, but we can't afford for me to stay at home with no paycheque.


I hate the fact that I'm not fun anymore. I don't enjoy much these days, and to be honest, on a good day, I'm worried that someone from work will see me and think that I don't look disabled.  On a good day, when my pain is under control and I can walk with ease, I feel guilty, that if I can take a walk, I should be able to pull an eight hour shift.  I know how perception can play a role - I'm young and people can't see pain.


I'm so unsettled. I'm a planner, but everything is in limbo.  Will my pension be approved?  Will we have an income? If I have no income, can we afford for me to be a stay-at-home mom?  Will we even be able to have kids?  What if we can't?  What if we can't adopt because of my disability or due to the fact that I take narcotics to manage the pain?  How did I get to this point?  If I'm no longer a contributing member of society, WHO AM I?  WHY AM I HERE?

From Living Stingy

I used to be a success at life - now I feel like a failure.  I've failed to work. I've failed to conceive.  I've failed to be a good friend.  I've failed to be 'connected'.  I simply feel like I've failed in so many ways...


I'm sorry to ramble, I just needed to get it out.  Have you ever felt like this?  Do you think this is the frustration with infertility?  Frustration with what looks like a pain filled future?  Maybe both?  If you ever dealt with anything like this, how did you handle it?  Were you able to find some purpose?  How do I get over this nagging feeling?