It's been a busy week. We've been hit with our second huge snowstorm of the year. The city once again was at a standstill, services were suspended and we were stranded at home...again. I must say that I can't really complain - I enjoy these snow days, as at least I'm not home alone all the time. Granted, Freddie spent a good chunk of the day trying to clear the driveway, but at least he was home, with me.
A few days after our 'tearful' weekend, I decided to give it my all - and bake. You already know I'm just not in the Christmas spirit, but after Freddie put up the tree and the lights, I trimmed it the next day. It was sooooo much work, but I wanted it done. I bought an angel baby ornament for our sweet angel, and I hung it next to our "First Christmas Together" ornament. Its right at eye-level when I'm on the couch, and I can't help but be sad that all we have this Christmas is an ornament - no baby :-(
The next day, I decorated the rest of the house, including our large staircase. I also cleaned up and put everything away, as our bi-weekly cleaning lady was coming and since this was going to be the last cleaning prior to Christmas, I wanted to make sure it was thorough. And...
I was exhausted! I was in so much pain that I though I'd pass out. On the last batch of macaroons I actually got so nauseous, dizzy and shaky, my vision went blurry and I honestly thought I'd pass out any minute. I called Freddie and he had to spoon out the last sheet of macaroons and bake them. At no point did he say, 'Whoa, you're doing too much babe!' - but he did say it the next day. I just realized that I CAN'T DO IT ALL. I can't do the things I used to be able to do. The amount of pain every single day is manageable if I "take it easy", but when I try to behave like the old me, I'm whimpering and crumbling in pain. I have to face reality, I'm not being lazy, sadly, this is the "new" me, and Freddie is just going to have to realize that this is the way it is now, and somehow accept it. Wish us luck!!
So here we find ourselves, its almost hard to believe, that we're only 2 weeks from Christmas! I don't know how or when this happened, but this year it has really snuck up on me (and maybe you too?). I decorated the tree and will finish the last touches on the rest of the house today, I hope.
The weekend was a bit rough. Freddie and I had the first argument in months! Now, I might preface this by disclosing that we do not argue often, I'd say maybe once or twice a year and its usually over cleaning. And that is how this one started. As you know, any good fight is not about one topic exclusively, somehow all other "beefs" and "gripes" get sucked into it and it inevitably ends in tears. I hate the fact that I'm so emotional and that I end up crying. Its not fair, in fact I feel like I'm sabotaging Freddie by using the "tear card" - except that its not a "tear card", I genuinely can't help it!
So I asked Freddie to clean off the dining room table from his tools, bring the tree and ornaments up, and, and, and. He proceeded to tell me that its hard for him to take direction from someone sitting on Facebook - and he was right. I've come to lean on him so much that the things I'd do when I was single, I now wait for him to do, and lately, as I'm trying not to overdo it, a lot more falls on his shoulders. I really felt that he was implying that I wasn't doing a whole lot around the house - and compared to before, I really haven't done a whole lot. When I questioned him about it, he kept repeating that he was sorry that he made me feel bad, that he hated seeing me upset like this... but at no time did he say that it wasn't true, that I was doing enough, or that it was OK.
I know that he tries to be supportive, but I know its hard for him. I think that deep down somewhere he resents, a little bit, the fact that I'm home all day, "sitting on my a** and playing online". Now, if you ask him, he'd say it wasn't true, but I think that it is, a least a little bit. I've made a conscious effort to make more of an effort around here and try to do more each day, which is hard for me as I feel so sad and depressed most of the time. I didn't bother to try and explain that the community of women I've found online, on various blogs, and yes, on Facebook, are my support and almost a "life line" to the outside world. I don't have a strong social network, my friends are all doing their own thing, especially now with Christmas coming, and I'm cooped up in the house most of the day [save for the few hours I'm out at physio] seeing the mess and thinking of all the things that need to be done, the things that I'll ask Freddie to do when he gets home. I just have to remember that he needs some down time too - if I were to psychoanalyze myself, I think that keeping our home in shape is the only thing I can control right now and so I try, but I can't do it alone. I just need to let it go a bit, lower my standards and chill.
On Sunday, I was still a little sad from our emotional Saturday night. In church, it was another lovely service with the participation of our local Bishop, who had a sermon about patience and he gave examples relating to raising children. I couldn't help but cry through the entire service. It wasn't one of those hysterical cries, but rather tears streaming down my face all the time. I hid this from Freddie by blowing my nose, or just "scratching" my cheek to wipe a tear. I couldn't help but think where we'd be with our angel now...well into our 6th month. I had hoped so much to have something to look forward to for Christmas, the possibility of a new baby, but instead I feel so gutted.
I'll try to bake some cookies and maybe that will improve my mood, at least temporarily.
