Appreciate what & who you have in your life - today!

I'm writing this with a heavy heart. In fact, all week has been heavy and sad.


On Monday, Labour Day, Freddie and I were having a very relaxing day - what I mean is we were still in our PJ's enjoying our brunch and watching TV, when the phone rang.  Freddie's buddy texted to see if we are home and if he could call.  That was odd - why not just call?  We speculated that perhaps he got engaged or had some good news to share with us...well, we were partially right.  He called to inform us that our good friend, Roxanne, who Freddie had gone to school with and whom I had gotten to know over the years, had lost her husband that morning.  WHAT???  He DIED??  The shock set in and the happy glow of the day was gone in an instant.


To give you a bit of history, Roxanne and Freddie had been friends for about 15 years.  When I joined Freddie's life, Roxanne and I had one of those relationships where we teased each other incessantly and had great fun doing it.  Although Roxanne doesn't live in our town, she is only 2 hours away, and she attended our Christmas parties over the years, and we saw each other a few times each year.  Roxanne was a very independent and free woman - she got out of an arranged engagement in college and blazed her own path setting up a great career and a good life for herself.  Recently, she met a nice guy and last summer they got married.  During 14 months of their marriage, they travelled a fair bit and had a blast.  Until Monday, that is.  Now it seems that her world is crumbling.


We last saw our friends earlier in the summer and we chatted about how life was going, how they were all adjusting to living together [as Roxanne became a step mom when they married], etc.  Now, she is dealing with the loss of her husband to a car accident and trying to be a step-parent to a 16 year old young man.  I'm so worried about her.  For those of us who have lost a child, we know that it is not the same as losing a grandparent, aunt/uncle, cousin or even a parent - it is totally different, completely.  I dare not even assume that I know what she is dealing with, but having lost a child, I think that I might be able to understand it a bit better than most.  I also know the long road ahead of her, as I had just travelled a similar path. I know that the next year will be horrible, lonely and full of pain.  I also realize that although the young man's mother is not in the picture, Roxanne has no legal right to this boy - I don't know if she is thinking of continuing to parent him or letting him move in with his grandparents.  All I know is that the road ahead is rocky, steep and difficult.


We are going to miss the funeral at the mosque, as it is during the day, but we will attend the funeral reception tomorrow night.  We will also stay until Saturday and hopefully spend part of the day with her.  I want to tell her so much, to share so much and let her know that I understand a bit of what she's going through...but its too soon.  I'll talk to her in a week or two, once the dust settles and all the relatives have gone home - that is when she'll need the most support.


I'm starting to think about suggestions and ideas I could share with her to help her deal with her loss and I have a short list so far:
-I've picked up a few poems about loss that helped me
-I'll suggest that she put together a memory box of a few of her husband's things that she might want to hold on to
-writing a letter to her husband, saying all the things she wishes she could have said
-writing a letter to God, if that would help her
-journalling her thoughts and feelings
-seeking counselling help for herself and/or her step-son
-joining a bereavement group in her area
-I'll give her my copy of Heaven is For Real [although I thought the book was a little bit simple, it does offer hope and inspiration.  Roxanne is muslim, but we worship the same God, so I don't think that she'll mind the reference to Christ]
-taking as much time as she needs - not rushing the process.


Do you have any other thoughts on what might help her grieve the loss of her husband and best friend?


I've ordered a large planter of flowers that we will bring to her home - that way, she can water and care for her little garden.  We had received a similar garden from my in-laws, and I enjoy always having it in sight.


For now, we'll offer love and support, a hand to hold and a shoulder to cry on.  We're still in shock... but it made both Freddie and I appreciate the fact that we have each other, our families and friends, as clearly life is so fragile...   Please keep Roxanne and her family in you prayers - and hug your loved ones tonight!

Today, Lent begins

From: http://between2cities.wordpress.com/2010/02/17/ash-wednesday/

Today is Ash Wednesday, which for a Catholic like me, is the beginning of the Lenten season, the approximately 40 days prior to Easter when we reflect on the last days of our Lord, Jesus Christ.  Traditionally, this is a very sad time, with no loud parties, no dancing, no drinking. Although we don't have to attend mass service tonight, I'm looking forward to going, listening to the priest give a homily which is meant to introduce us to the Lenten Season, and receive ashes, which traditionally used to be from burned palms from Palm Sunday.  The priest uses the phrase from Ecclesiastes "You are from dust and to dust you shall return".  It's just a reminder of how fleeting life really is and tonight will serve as the mass for my unborn child, whose due date would have been tomorrow.


Ash Wednesday, in our family, was the start of many days of fasting.  Our parish bulletin included the following explanation "Fasting means eating only one full meal with our other two meals not equal to that one meal. While making us more aware of those in need, fasting also makes us more alert in our prayer. A generous heart allows us to think less of our needs and more of the needs of others, resulting in practical action and giving".  As a child, I remember fasting and what a challenge it was - these days, it's no big deal for me to skip lunch and just have a normal dinner.  Growing up, I remember that meatless Fridays extended year round, as we always tried to skip the meat at the end of the week, which was not only religious, but also pretty healthy and our hearts thank us!

From:  http://www.dpcdsb.org/BSCAL

This Lent, I plan to not only fast, give and pray, but also to make it a spiritual journey for exploring my relationship with God.  I hope that I can remain steadfast in my attempt to be kind to others, do my best to see their point of view, read the scripture daily (you might recall I had tried that at the start of the New Year, and when troubles came at the end of January, this habit dropped by the wayside), abstain from swearing at home (as I never do in public) and limit my sweet intake.  I say 'limit', as I won't be able to give up sweets completely as I made a little cake for our angel's birthday tomorrow, and there will be sweets at Freddie's birthday on Sunday, then my mom's birthday in April, so I won't be antisocial.  But I give up sweets each year and am able to do it.  This year, being kind to others and reading the Bible are the most important things for me.  To delve further into my own faith, attend Lamentations or Stations of the Cross and perhaps even try to do this weekly.  I know that that will be a struggle, but Christ suffered and struggled so much for us, that I'd like to do a little in return.


Tonight, as I attend mass at the Cathedral, I will think about the journey ahead of Christ, which will end in His crucifixion and death - I will think about what Christ must have felt at the impending path ahead - I will think of what God felt to know that His child would die, and I feel that I understand those feelings much more than before.  I have a much better appreciation of God's love for us now, knowing how much pain it cost Him to lose His only son.  I know that pain too.  As the priest puts ashes on my forehead tonight, I'll feel closer to those who have gone before me and allowed me to be a Christian openly - those early Christians who often paid with their lives for our religious freedom, for those family members who are now dust, and of course of our child.  The shining light at the end of this journey is Easter and the celebration of Christ's resurrection - a constant reminder that death is not permanent, that there is life beyond death and that we will all be with God someday.  This has brought me a lot of peace lately and decreased my fear and anxiety about death.  Death was something to be feared and avoided, but now I see it as an opportunity to be with my child once again, to see this child and get to know him/her - to finally be together, to finally be complete.


So as we embark on this approximately 40 day journey - what are your plans?