We're almost there!

It's so hard for me to believe that we are now in our 37th week with Thumper!  This entire pregnancy has seemingly flown by and I'm sad to see it coming to an end.  I love our 'down time' in the evening, when I finally put my swollen feet up, and Thumper moves around like crazy.  I love that feeling of the baby moving, but I wish that Freddie could experience it as well.


At today's OB appointment, my bp continues to be good. 118/74 with a heartbeat of 84 for me, and 150-170 for Thumper, which the OB called 'perfect' - which was frankly music to my ears!  I've had no bleeding, no braxton hicks [unless you count a bit of cramping] and nothing out of the ordinary.  About 2 weeks ago, I started suffering from Carpal Tunnel Syndrome, which I had no idea was part of pregnancy. My hands are so swollen that I can't sleep at night due to the pain, I can't bend my fingers which makes holding a toothbrush comical and I can't even open up my pill bottles.  My feet are also starting to swell up now and my shoes are constantly tight despite being slip ons.


Life continues unchanged.  I've applied for our federal maternity leave program and am waiting to hear if I will be approved.  IF I am approved, then my work is willing to top up the payments for 3 months, so that would be a huge help.  Freddie continues to be unemployed, despite scouring every nook and cranny for possible jobs.  It's just a bad time here and not much is even being posted.  My disability status is unchanged and I pray each night that things will get better.


March is turning out to be a month full of emotion.  Freddie's birthday is on the 13th.  Sammy's birthday would have been on the 10th, and this rainbow is due to arrive on the 25th.  It's so hard for me to imagine what my life might have looked like if Sammy was here with us - we'd have a one year old running around, getting excited at the prospect of a little brother or sister.  A few days ago, Freddie was chatting with our neighbour, who you might recall had a baby due around the same time as Sammy [and whom I've been avoiding like the plague for over a year now], well, anyway, she mentioned to Freddie that her little boy will be turning one on Sunday, the 11th.  Only one day after Sammy's due date.  I'm happy for them, but I still can't help but question why them and not us?  Why will they get to have a family party to celebrate their son, and we will celebrate in silence as noone in our family remembers the importance of these dates.  As each year passes, I feel sadder and sadder that Sammy isn't growing up with us here.


Friends of ours were kind enough to lend us a crib and others came through with other used items.  I found some  decent bedding on clearance at Winners and bought that for the freshly painted room that Freddie had done.  Now, as I sit in the nursery, I wish that Sammy could have seen it, could have slept in that crib if only for one night.  I plan on creating a few crafts to honour Sammy and have them up in the nursery, and we may find a way to honour Sammy via a middle name for Thumper.  I'm just determined that despite the entire world forgetting about Sammy, that our family won't.  That our future child/ren will remember that they have an older sibling and that Sammy's memory will live on.


Maybe that is why I still have trouble believing that Thumper will really be here.  Most of my friends can't understand why I feel this way, but I'm not naive anymore - I know that things can still go wrong at this point and that there is never a guarantee that we'll get to take Thumper home with us.  People keep saying "Boy, you must be so excited", but the honest truth is that I'm not.  I simply won't believe it until I hold this child in my arms and know that we will take him/her home with us.


So as you can see, I have days when I feel a bit better, then days that are a fair bit worse.  I still feel the weight of the world, but seeing the sunshine outside helps a lot.  Then Sammy's absence casts a dark cloud over my day... but I expect that it will always be this way.  I do ask for your prayers for a safe delivery and a healthy baby - Thank you!