2nd Anniversary

Tomorrow, we will honour the second anniversary of Sammy's passing. How hard to believe that TWO years have gone by...and life has changed so very much in that time.

This morning, I went to mass at 7:30am, as it was a mass for Sammy.  Sophie, as if knowing that I'd be up, woke up for her morning feed at 5:30 am, instead of the regular 7-7:30am.  I made it to church before mass started and lit a candle for our sweet babe.  During mass, the intentions mentioned Sammy and I started crying.  The reading was about the lesson that we must be like little children in order to get into heaven and I couldn't help but think how lucky that Sammy was already there, living happily with our Lord and the Angels.  But I also couldn't help, that like Mary [as I was sitting right by a painting of her and the little candles that you light] although I'm honoured that God chose my child for a purpose and to be with Him, I don't necessarily have to like it.  Like Mary, I would have much preferred that the Lord spared my child this path and that our Sammy could be with us instead.  That is selfish, I know, but I'm selfish when it comes to my children.

I'll write a letter to Sammy and put it in his memory box tomorrow.  We'll also do a balloon release with Sophie and spend some quiet family time.  I won't post here tomorrow, as I think I'll spend the day in quiet reflection.

Often, I look at Sophie, and I wonder if Sammy would have looked the same.  Would they have shared a similar nose?  Similar eyes?  I often wonder if Sammy comes to visit Sophie, as she often stares over my shoulder and giggles...a few weeks ago, there was this eerie experience where we were all in bed, but I heard the mobile in her room start to play for a few seconds and stop...was it Sammy checking up on her?  I hope so...

Despite being blessed with Sophie, she doesn't completely fill the hole in my heart where Sammy should be.  I think of him each and every single day, and I pray daily that he knows how much we love him and miss him, but also that he doesn't feel this pain of separation that I do.  It's hard to fathom that I'm a mother to TWO children, but sadly no one recognizes that except for Freddie...it's like it's our little secret.

Loving and missing our angel...