I should explain, though, that dealing with chronic pain is more than simply being in pain all the time. In addition to the constant pain, there are a lot of psychological issues that tag along - depression, sadness, low self worth, blaming yourself and a lot of negativity. I feel devalued on a daily basis, like a failure at life. I mean I can't work, I no longer bring the same income, I can't keep up with housework, I don't see friends as often or even enjoy going out. Being sick, I feel like I'm a shell of my old self, and at times I barely recognize myself. And at a time that should be the happiest period of my life, I feel almost cheated because I'm not giddy all the time.
So let me tell you what happened today. I was getting tired of feeding Sophie the same old thing and a fellow mom gave me a recipe for buckwheat curry. I was all excited to try it and introduce Sophie to new tastes and offer her a dish with loads of vitamins. My mom came over and watched her for a little bit so I could get all the ingredients combined and cooked. I then pureed it so there were very few lumps [at almost 11 months, she is eating texture, but still gags sometimes on lumps] and packed the bulk of it for the freezer in little pots. The rest, I left for Sophie to have after our afternoon nap and breastfeed session. I was worried that the mixture was a little too thick, so I added a fair bit of water. Well, Sophie started to gag on it...so I added more water to loosen up the mixture. But sadly it was just not going down, so I got some applesauce out of the freezer and would 'cheat' by putting half a spoon of curry and the rest applesauce. Finally success, the food started to go down, albeit slowly. Each bite was a struggle. She probably ate half a bowl when Freddie tried to help by forcing a spoonful and then it ALL came back up. I was watching it in slow motion as all the apple/curry mixture reappeared. After struggling with the entire feed, I just couldn't take it anymore. I had to walk away while Freddie cleaned up Sophie...and I proceeded to cry. I think I yelled at Freddie while he was stripping her down, taking my anger out on someone...I might have yelled at Sophie too. It was sadness, anger, frustration, defeat, etc. all rolled into one. I just felt like such a failure - I couldn't even get my own kid to eat supper. Not to mention how much effort went into it!!
Is it my lack of patience? Delayed post partum coming in? Normal mommy angst with everyday life? Chronic pain interfering with my life in yet another way? I'm not sure, but immediately afterward, I felt like a failure for loosing my cool and getting upset. I mean, what's the big deal? My almost 11 month old puked her entire dinner up - this is normal stuff with kids, right? In the grand scheme of things, its life. My getting angry or upset doesn't mean anything to Sophie right now and it doesn't change her behaviour. Often, I find that I'm doing well with her and then she'll do something that drives me crazy. Perhaps its the fact that I'm with her ALL the time now. Freddie is starting up a new business so he's gone all day and then has all sorts of evening events, so most nights I'm lucky to have him home for an hour to play with Sophie. My mom comes over to help a couple of times a week for a couple hours...and the rest of the time its just her and me...ALL THE TIME.
Do any other mom's have a tough time with their little ones? I mean, I love her to death and fought so hard to get her here....and I'm so ashamed that I'm being such a bad mom by losing my temper with her :-(
Oh hon... Days like that are par for the course I think. (At least here, and mine are 3 and a half. Different struggles, but similar feelings). My new Lenten task: Let it ride. Jesus personified Love. We are called to be just like Him in our frustrations. He didnt lose it with the apostles when they were daft or with the people who crowded him. He just took a deep breath and let it ride. Instructing and going about his business with and in love. So, I'm letting it ride, Disaster- okay, it wont last forever. Clean it and dont stress it. Unhappy kiddo? Let it ride. Just snuggle, hug, and tell them you love them, and go from there. A meal tossed on the floor? Let it ride... They only have this one life to live... I dont want them to remember me as always on them or always upset. I have an Irish temper and no patience and it has always been a struggle to keep it in check but recently it became apparent to me that the person who needs fixing is me. Not my kids, not my husband- me. So, daily (and in those moments where I feel like I'm going to lose it) I just say "Jesus, I need you. Help me." and try with all my might, to let it ride.
ReplyDeleteThanks Michele - that makes me feel a bit better. Today was another tough day with lunch, but once she got going she ate everything. So who knows, weird baby shananigans. Trying to keep the patience and stay calm...so far, so good, but we're on our own till bedtime tonight, so I'll be tested, for sure :-)
DeleteIt sounds like normal everyday mommy stuff mixed with your chronic pain. ((HUGS)) I also think you should talk with your doctor. She really should be eating finger foods by now unless your exclusively breast feeding for the first year. Does she do Cherrios?
ReplyDeleteHi Debby - yes she does eat finger foods appropriate for her age. Rice rusks, cheerio like puffs, rice biscuits, cookies. pieces of grapes, bites apples, etc. If she feeds herself then she's OK. I think its partly psychological - if she does it herself, its fine, but if mommy does it she gags. Sadly, she can't spoon feed herself at this stage and she is finnicky about trying new textures, so we keep working on it.
DeleteYou asked, "My almost 11 month old puked her entire dinner up - this is normal stuff with kids, right?"
ReplyDeleteAnd the answer is - Yes! Right!
Give yourself a break. You tried, and as Mommies, that's all we can do. Do that, and then be happy with it at the end of the day.
I could never feed Hannah. Beth yes, but Hannah no. Hannah has to do it all herself, and when she's done eating, you'll see it on the floor - that's how she tells you. The remainder will be on the floor - or my cabinets. My kitchen is a MESS!!! I clean when I can, and otherwise, it waits.
Anyway, do you get any time away from Sophie during the week? Mom's morning out? Could you swing a daycare day once or twice a week. It does WONDERS for the psyche!
My mommy moto is this: If momma ain't happy, ain't noboday happy!
Toward that end, I make taking care of me top priority so that taking care of my girls can be a priority. It's like when a plane is going down. They say to put your oxygen mask on first before you can help anyone else with theirs. Smart advice ;-)
Hang in there. It does get easier!!!
((hugz))