I used to call them "Mom" and "Dad"

The last few weeks have been difficult to say the least, and I don't even know where to start. I'm so sad and upset over this situation that I just don't know what to do or how to behave, but sadly, the last few weeks have changed our lives and our relationship as we know it with my in laws.  

Allow me to backtrack.  A few weeks ago, my husband was called by his parents over to their place for a 'chat'.  Apparently, they had quite a few grievances towards him, but the main one was the they feel excluded from our lives and that we don't see each other as often as we used to.  Now to be fair, we have never missed a family dinner, we call them weekly and we see each other ever 2-3 weeks.  In order to get them more interested in Sophie, I asked my MIL to watch her once a week and she had done so for the last 4 weeks - but even that didn't go without a grievance.  It seems that my MIL was upset that I didn't trust her enough to leave her alone with Sophie.  This made me upset a little bit as it's not that I don't trust her, but I had explained to her that Sophie is going through major separation anxiety and she cries to the point of hives and hyperventilating if I'm not around. So the last 3 weeks I'd be upstairs while Sophie and grandma spent time downstairs.  I thought my MIL understood that Sophie needs to get used to her, and as she spends more time with her, I will certainly leave the house to run errands and let them be alone.

My husband, after being downsized, decided to start his own business and has spent the last year finalizing the space and is getting ready to open the retail side within the next few weeks.  The space still, however, is a bit of a construction zone, and yet my in-laws would drop by unexpectedly to see how things were going, sometimes twice a week.  This actually upset me a little bit as they didn't express this much interest in their granddaughter and frankly this is why I wanted my MIL to start watching her on a regular basis.  Freddie, however, asked that they please not drop by, but rather wait a few weeks until he's done with all the inspections before they visit.  He explained that he is very busy now working 16 hour days and needs to supervise trades people who come to work on the property, not to mention the slew of inspectors that seem to be there constantly checking one thing or another.  He also explained to them that there are liability issues having them, two mid-70 year old seniors at a construction site with live wires and debris all over the floors.  He expressed that he would love for them to visit then things are more buttoned up and he has more time.  Two weeks ago, my in-laws summoned my husband once again, demanding to know why he had requested that they not visit his new business, accusing him that he was embarrassed of his parents.  Freddie was incredibly hurt by all of this, compounded by their earlier comments about him being a bad son [they even accused him of never being around or helping them when they need it and this couldn't be further from the truth. I can't tell you how many times we pick up their mail when they are on vacation, deal with their home alarm system, Freddie repairs dad's computer ALL the time, he hangs their pictures, moves their furniture, etc., etc., etc.].  Needless to say, my in laws did not see his point of view at all.

So last week, I wanted to talk to my MIL about all of this, as I was excluded from these discussions.  I attempted to relay to her that all of this is adding a lot of stress and pressure on Freddie right now, and frankly on us, as the business is almost open, my mat leave is over and I'm being reassessed for disability leave once again, this means that at the moment we have ZERO income coming in, and so Freddie is devoting every waking moment to the business and to getting it operating and profitable...and that perhaps we could hold these discussions a little later once the proverbial dust settles a bit and we are in a bit of a better place.  Sadly, my MIL did not want to speak with me at all about any of this and then dropped a bombshell. She told me, matter of factly, that she knew they, meaning her and my FIL, were not my favourite people.  I said what???  What would ever give her that idea?  Apparently, there was one instance where they came over for a visit and I happened to take a phone call and then went to our open concept kitchen and made applesauce for Sophie.  I tried to explain to my MIL that with my illness I need a lot of help and I assumed that they were coming to see Sophie, and to help me out, allowing me to slip out and do a chore for my daughter. I wasn't slighting them or avoiding them...I was still part of the conversation from the kitchen, but nothing I said made any difference, I could tell it was falling on deaf ears.  My MIL also complained that we used to drop in to visit them when we were out running errands and that I don't do that anymore.  So once again I tried to explain that with my illness, I have a lot of pain and I need help.  When Sophie was smaller, Freddie worked from home and he'd run errands with me and we'd all drop in on my in laws.  Now Sophie is bigger and it takes more of an effort for me to get us organized to go anywhere, and since Freddie works away from home now, its just me - and frankly I'm exhausted at the end of a shopping trip, for example...not to mention we now deal with a routine and need to get home for a nap, Sophie no longer sleeps in an infant carseat that we can just pick up and take with us.  My MIL then told me that she also had 4 kids at my age and she managed to get out of the house with all 4 kids, and wouldn't it be good for Sophie to be in a new environment? This felt like a slap in the face - she was comparing herself to me.  Comparing a well woman to one who is sick with a chronic illness.  I made a snide comment that she must clearly be a much better mother than I could ever be as I clearly can't keep up - but as it turns out, later I learned that my MIL only heard that she was a better mother, and the sarcasm was lost on her completely.

Since things were tense, Freddie and I decided to pop over there last weekend and clear the air.  I spoke with my pain management therapist and she suggested that I write down how I feel when my MIL compares herself to me, how it makes me feel like a bad mother, like I should be doing more to keep up, realizing, that perhaps they don't know much about my illness or perhaps don't realize how much help I really need.  So I wrote a letter and I read it to them.  As soon as I started, my MIL crossed her arms on her chest and rolled her eyes - I should have stopped right there, but like a fool I read my letter.  I should have known that she would be so defensive that she wouldn't hear what I had to say.  I told her how much I appreciated her coming to watch Sophie, how much we love them and want them in our lives, but I also told her how it makes me feel horrible to know that she implies I'm not a good mom.  At the end, she was very angry and called it 'character assassination', despite the fact that I didn't attack her at all, it was all about me and how I feel about the situation.  The discussion went south from there with more accusations of Freddie being a bad son, ungrateful, and whenever he tried to explain how he felt he was told that his feelings were 'petty'.  My MIL also had a few tidbits for me - apparently they have never liked me, even since before our wedding almost 6 years ago.  She told me that she thought she'd gain a daughter when we got married, but she didn't even get a DIL and instead she lost a son.  She also told me that I'm 'Smyth' in name only - and when I told her that that was incredibly hurtful, she told me to stop trying to make it all about me.  How can it not be about me when she just told me I'm not a member of her family?  She also told me that I should be grateful for all her support when our 'baby' died - it killed me that she couldn't even use Sammy's name, and it angered me that she felt so entitled when they sent flowers via a florist [they didn't even come over] and months later they came to a memorial service we arranged.  They didn't speak with us about Sammy's loss, they didn't cry with us or spend weeks in therapy dealing with the loss of our child.  So for my MIL to bring that up stung more than anything.  It was clear how little she thought of me.  I told her that I wanted a relationship with her and not be in a situation where we are simply polite at family function and that was greeted with dead silence.  My FIL just kept saying that we should 'wipe the slate clean' - but how do you forget the nasty things she said to me and the fact that they hate me?  At the end of the night as we were leaving, my FIL asked for a hug, and my MIL also hugged me as if nothing had changed, but a lot had changed for me.

This week my MIL called Freddie asking what they can do to make things better. He expressed that an apology was in order for the nasty things my MIL said to me, and she denied every saying anything. Freddie held firm and told her that he heard her say it and her response was asking him if it was fair for me to attack a 70 year old woman.  Listen, I'm not looking for an apology, but it would go a long way to mending fences between us.  All of this puts Freddie in a terribly awkward position and I don't want this rift with his parents to affect our marriage at some point.  To be honest, I don't know what we'll do.  I think we simply pretend it didn't happen and continue going to dinners and letting them spend time with Sophie.  I will simply need to swallow my pride and smile awkwardly across the dinner table -but honestly, I don't know HOW I'll be able to do it, knowing that they hate me for stealing their son away from them. After Sammy died, I felt the fact that we shared a child in the family brought us all closer together and I started calling them 'mom' and 'dad', but I feel that I can no longer call them that.  The title of Mom and Dad is reserved for people who we not only love, but who love us back....and the latter is certainly not the case!