Here today, possibly gone tomorrow

Today, is a good day.  Or at least I'm trying to think of it that way.  You see, I'm pregnant...again.  This is our EIGHT baby.  And although my HCG's are 40% higher than last month, the overall number is still so low, that technically, the clinic is calling this a 'chemical pregnancy' and that the result is a 'chemical negative'.  I am, once again, expected to miscarry this sweet child within the next few days.

I'm a wreck - again. I just can't believe we are going through this...again. Guess its a good thing we go see that other fertility specialist next month, for a second opinion.  I just can't believe it....again.  I don't know how many more times I can do this.  I try not to think about it, because honestly my head starts swimming, I get hot and I feel like literally the top of my head will explode and steam will come out.  I try not to think about it so I don't break down completely, but sometimes [like now] I feel awfully close...I'm not ready to give up yet, but I just feel like I'm between a rock and a hard place. I have no choices here...I don't know if I can just give up on our dream of a family.

I'm trying to focus on today, to enjoy what little time I have left with this baby, but I can't seem to stop thinking about the impending loss. I can't process all of this...Lord, please help me deal with all these losses.