It has been so long since I've written that I'm almost ashamed of the absence. But this space serves not only to connect me to others, but this serves as a form of online diary for me as well. So in the spirit of updating, let me start.
Back in February, after a quick 2 hour labour, I delivered a perfectly healthy little girl at home. I hadn't made a big deal about announcing our pregnancy, because being our 11th baby, I wasn't entirely sure that we would be blessed with a happy ending. Its only near the end of the second trimester that I started believing that we would have a baby to bring home. Early on when we had the anatomy scan, I held my breath tightly, waiting for the results, only to find out that we had a perfect baby. Gabs is now 8 months old and an active little girl. She crawls and is on the brink of walking. Gabs is enamored with Sophie, watching her big sister's every move!
Sophie has entered Junior Kindergarten and is loving it. We had started out with half days, as I didn't want her to feel pushed out of the house with a new baby, but she lasted a month at half days before she announced that she wanted to stay for the afternoon as well. She has made some wonderful friends there, including her new best friend M. We've already had a playdate with M and her mom which went really well. The girls enjoy each other and have survived their first 'incident' - M decided to bite Sophie, claiming she was hungry! Kids say the darndest things, don't they?
I hate to even admit this last part, but my pregnancy, labour and delivery went so well, that from the moment that Gabs appeared, I wanted to do it again. At first I thought it was hormones, but as time has gone by, my desire for another child has not subsided. At first I had this overwhelming feeling that there was one more baby coming our way, that it was destined, but now I'm not so sure. Freddie and I have talked at length about it and we both agree that it isn't 'smart' for us to pursue this option. Freddie feels that two children is enough for our finances, time availability and sanity, and we both agree that with our history of losses, especially with the genetic issues that we had with Asia and our advanced ages [we are both 42 this year] trying for another baby isn't the right option. I explained that I wasn't thinking of actively pursing another pregnancy - I wasn't planning on going back to the fertility clinic and doing monitoring...I was simply thinking of not preventing. But Freddie is right, the risk of another loss or a baby with a terminal diagnosis, in our case, is rather high and a big risk to take. So I'm dealing with the loss of our future - it hurts my heart to know that out of 11 pregnancies, we have only 2 children earthside. And now, we are done...and that feels like another form of a loss.
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