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| Compliments of Mei Generis |
I didn't think I would really care that much about it, I mean it's just another day. But I was wrong, it hurt and stung a bit.
Last week, I almost forgot about the International Baby Loss Mother's Day, and although I applaud the efforts of this group to bring awareness, I also didn't feel that I needed a different Mother's Day than the rest of the world. I want to be acknowledged as a mom with all the other mothers - I don't want to be an outcast who then creates her own holiday...does this make sense? I just want to be part of the "Mom In-crowd", that's all.
So it was the 'real' Mother's Day this weekend. I prepared by getting cards for my Mom, my MIL, my grandma and my 'favourite' aunt - since my grandma is currently living with my aunt, I felt obliged to get her a card as well. If you remember from previous posts, although my aunt is my mom's only sister and my godmother, we can never seem to get along, as demonstrated in one of our exchanges here. Although I didn't feel that my aunt remotely deserved a card, I thought that I would be the bigger person and get one anyway, but I do admit that finding the right card was hard, as all the 'aunt' cards were thankful for a wonderful person or someone who has impacted my life, neither of which my aunt has been to me, so I settled on a generic "Wishing you a happy Mother's Day". Next, we went to Costco to get flowers, as I traditionally buy potted plants for the front stoops for my mom and MIL. While there, I picked up some geraniums for my aunt and grandma, and we bought cut tulips for me, for Mother's Day. I had hoped that Freddie would remember and get me a card and acknowledge me as a Mother, but the poor guy has been sick with a nasty cold since the middle of last week. In fact, he came home early on Friday and spent the rest of the day in bed. Although he came with me to Costco, his head was spinning and he had a fever, so we made the trip short and I knew that he hadn't had time to buy me flowers or a card, so I picked out the tulips myself.
The next day, I was a little sad, but I went on with my day. I went on my own to my MIL's to drop off her gift as Freddie still had a fever and was going to spend the day in bed. As I was leaving, she said "Well thanks for coming and Happy Mother's Day to...", at which point I actually thought she might say 'to you', but instead I heard "to your mom". I gulped, swallowed, held back a tear and said Thank you. I picked up my mom and we went to church, where on this Sunday we had the parish's First Communion. It was so nice to see the young girls in their white gowns and the boys in suits. At the start of the mass, the priest asked us to remember our mothers today: those that were in church with us today, those who were unable to join us today and those that have already passed on - I felt my eyes well up and I put my head down so that the tears wouldn't roll. I just felt like the priest was acknowledging and praying for all groups of mothers, except the group I belonged to, mothers who had lost their children and in particular my situation where I have no other living children. I had not expected to feel so excluded, so alone, so devalued.
After church, my mom and I went to visit my grandma and aunt. My grandma was sweet, but my aunt had to throw a few little digs in, which I graciously ignored. She was clear to tell me that she wished she had a niece [me] who was more respectful and polite and loving to her - I ignored her, as in my head I was thinking that respect and love, once lost had to be gained back and she clearly didn't get that. My mom was a gem though, as we were leaving, she made it clear to my aunt that if grandma wasn't living there, we would not have come to see my aunt for Mother's Day at all - kind of saying 'Just be thankful that we came to honour you on Mother's Day, as your own 35 year old mooch of a son in the next room, hasn't thought fit to even get you a card'. Although I was proud of myself for not exploding and just being polite, I was also saddened that a family outing can't be fun, it's something I need to get geared up for and during it I ask God to give me strength to get through it.
All in all, I felt like this wasn't my holiday. The only times I felt included and celebrated were when Freddie would hold me and wipe away my tears and remind me that I AM A MOTHER, and also during my Bible Study class, where the other women, who are so incredibly compassionate, were able to related and also acknowledged me as a mother too.
I didn't say this yesterday, but I should have and so I'll say it now:
Lord, thank you for the gift of motherhood. Although the world may not acknowledge me as a mother, I know that You know the truth. You, who are currently taking care of my child, You who knows the truth. Thank You also for the gift of a wonderful husband who is able to support me and pick me up on days like this. I also want to thank You for the wonderful gift of meeting the women from the Bible Study class - it's incredible how 'strangers' can speak Your words and be reminders to me that You are always with me. Thank You Lord for a wonderful day yesterday and for taking care of my child - please tell ***** about us and please make sure that *****knows how much we love and miss him every single day.
