It's crazy how time flies...

It feels, as if I just blinked, and Sophie is coming up on 4 months.  I'd love to slow down time so I could enjoy all these precious moments more and more, but time moves on its own pace is not concerned with my 'wants'...remember how much I prayed for time to speed up after Sammy's loss, so I wouldn't feel all that pain?  Needless to say, time moved at its own pace, unconcerned with my pain or happiness.


Often, while I'm feeding Sophie, I look into those gorgeous blue eyes, those pink lips puckered up while she eats, the hands that caress my breast or absent-mindedly grab my finer and squeeze...and I think of Sammy.  I think of what life would have been like with a toddler and a newborn.  I wonder if I would have cherished all these quiet moments with Sophie, knowing what I lost with Sammy.  And sometimes, I wonder if Sammy is there, as Sophie stares over my shoulder and starts to laugh for no reason - I'd like to think that our sweet boy visits his little sister and entertains her.


She is totally into grabbing things and putting them in her mouth, drooling A LOT, cooing and smiling.  Her newest talent is laughing so whole-heartedly that it melts my heart...it is the sweetest sound!  She rolled over twice in one day, but nothing since.  All in all, she is a very happy and easy going girl, and we usually don't have any issues with feeding or bedtime, etc.


Things for me aren't easy.  Sophie doesn't nap during the day, but wants to be entertained ALL the time.  For me, with all my chronic pain, this is hard as I don't have much time to lie down or rest.  Luckily, my mom  comes over almost daily to give me a bit of a rest, so that is a HUGE help.  But the part that sucks is that my pregnancy Carpal Tunnel has turned into long-term tendonitis in both hands and it hurts a lot do pick up Sophie...so much that I can't always breastfeed her as I can't hold that long [not to mention that position isn't great for my back either].  I'm doing physio for this [acupuncture and ultrasound] but it doesn't seem to help. I'm told that if this doesn't get better by my next appt at the pain clinic, I'll be referred to the appropriate specialist, but my physiotherapist tells me that the only thing that helps with this is a different type of brace - yey, as if trying to take care of a baby isn't hard enough, let's throw wrist braces into the mix!   But if they help, I'm game, as I almost dropped Sophie today - she kind of arched her back and I lost her, but luckily grabbed her with my other hand at the level of my knees.  I was so glad I caught her!  Don't want to think of what might have happened if I hadn't!


All my other worries still exist - I still don't know what is happening with my disability status after the maternity leave, but considering that my employer has decided to eliminate my job, I have nothing to go back to, if I could.  I hate having choice taken away from me!!  Freddie is still unemployed, not for lack of trying, but the job market really sucks right now.  I am greatful that he is here to help me, but cash would help a lot too!  But amidst all these problems and difficulties, Sophie remains a bright spot of joy in my life.  I can honestly say that she makes life worth living and I"m so very lucky to be her mom and have the privilege of this little angel in our lives...and another angel in heaven too!!

DRAFT

Actually, I had a pretty horrible back labour, which with my back pain was pretty bad...for 36 hours!! I lasted 15 hours without an epidural and by then it was so bad that I couldn't think straight...things were progressing really well until the epidural, then the last centimeter took hours and hours to get to - but I was relatively 'comfortable'. After 3.5 hours of pushing, I was rushed into the OR for a forcep birth, which if it failed would have turned into an immediate C-section. Things got very scary as I was 'prepped' just as for a C-section - oxygen, monitors, the whole thing. Luckily. Zofia was born via forceps relatively quickly - but this kind of birth causes a lot of damage so they were sewing me up for vaginal tears for a good 45 minutes and I had one perineal tear. Don't mean to scare you with all this, but rather let you know what could happen - for me, I had somehow not heard much about back labour and didn't know what that would feel like. I even called the hospital to ask if what I was feeling was back pain or labour [as back pain doesn't come in waves] and they didn't really know, or rather wouldn't tell me over the phone - I'm sure it's CYA mode for legal issues. So we left for the hospital, when what I now know to be contractions were 3 minutes apart and lasted for 3 minutes. My water broke as I sat on the exam table - good timing, eh?


Because my water broke for 22 hours prior to delivery, I had a fever and so did Zofia - so as a precaution they took her to the NICU for 48 hours of antibiotics, which then turned into a spinal tap [still think it was unnecessary] and 7 days of antibiotics, despite all her tests coming back normal and clear. It was very disheartening as the communication with the physicians was horrible - they didn't include us, but rather informed us once they had made a decision and acted on ot. We wanted to be part of her care, not just bystanders - I mean we ARE the parents. I was discharged on Saturday after delivering on Thursday - I could barely walk but they had a bed shortage as they schedule most C-sections for the weekend. Luckily, the NICU coordinator had a cot moved into Zofia's room, so I lived in the NICU all week, and Dave was there with us round the clock except for night time - he'd go home around midnight, do laundry, feed the cats and complete the list of things I needed for the next day [including clothes and toiletries as I thought we'd be there 2 days, not a week], then he'd be back by 8am the next day. It was a week of hell. Not the way we expected it to go, but it wasn't a 'typical' delivery.


Make sure you bring a package of nighttime pads - they only give you a limited supply, and you need the largest ones! Also, bring panties for the pads - I didn't think of that, I just had my maternity underwear which ended up being too loose as they don't have elastics. They only give you one pair of those disposable panties, so the nurses really had to scrounge to get me a second pair. Diapers - you only get 6, so bring more in case you need more...in the NICU we had an unlimited supply and even took some home. Bring a change of clothes for hubby - we brought all my stuff, and I didn't think to bring Dave's toiletries or a change of clothes for him, and he was there for 2 days before he had a chance to go home for a shower and break.

On the 4th floor, there is a Ronald McDonald room for families of patients - this was a Godsend for us during our weeklong stay. It opened up 2 weeks before we were there, so not everyone knew about it. It's totally free and so helpful. THey have 3 'hotel rooms' with beds, linens and full bathrooms with showers, so I was there each day to grab a shower. THey also have laundry facilities, so we could clean our clothes - they even have 'loaner' clothes you can wear while yours are washing. They have a fully stocked fridge, so we would go there for breakfast and lunch as it not only saved us $$, but we were sick of eating unhealthy hospital cafeteria food - yuck! They have internet and phones, which made it easier to stay in touch with everyone while we were stuck at the hospital. So if you guys end up staying longer [hope not!], you can take advantage of this.

I don't know what else to tell you Claudia. We are thrilled to have our angel home - there are some trying times, but for the most part, she eats like a champ, sleeps between 3-5 hours at a stretch, which is great...but my milk supply isn't where it needs to be so we're supplementing with formula, so I get up to pump during the night and Dave does the night time feeding with bottled breastmilk or formula, as it would just take me too long to breastfeed, then pump and express...by the time you finish it's almost time to do it all over again. BTW...if you do choose or need to supplement, the hospital uses Similac Advance formula - so if you don't want that, you might want to bring your own.

I hope I haven't painted a gory picture - we just had a difficult delivery, but they are not all like that. If you want to chat about how things went or have questions, I'd be happy to answer them - you're more than welcome to come over or to call

Yeah, it was a rough delivery - I forgot to mention that she was also turned the wrong way and that made it all the more painful too...but go in positive, hopefully all will go well and you will have a more 'standard' delivery. The nurses in L&D were awesome though, so you will be well taken care of. THe med students coming in constantly and introducing themselves are a bit annoying...one guy asked if I remembered him and I thought 'Should I??' I mean I won't ever see him again!

Don't worry about the epidural - it WILL work. It won't work if you have it administered too late, but you can always ask them to tell you before you reach the 'point of no return' and you'll be fine. I just kept telling myself that women have done this for a very long time, and that I'm not the first woman to give birth...but those women didn't have modern drugs or epidurals. I kept thinking of 'cave women' giving birth alone in the wild and worrying about wild animals finding her or the baby - compared to that, we've got a breeze  [I know...it's the power of suggestion]. Wow, that is a big baby - if you opt for a c-section, you can tell them once you get there that that is your preference...but you'll still be in labour for a while until they get you in. Just make sure that Marcus will be a good advocate for you - he should know your birth plan and should know what you would want, as you can imagine we are a little vulnerable during labour and can't think straight - so it's important that he can stand up for you. Even after delivery, my head felt like I was swimming a little bit and it helped to have Dave be the 'voice of reason'.

You only gained 20lbs? Good for you! I gained over 60, but I lost 40 by the time we left the hospital - thanks to not eating, not sleeping and stressing through the roof!! I swelled up like a balloon a few days after the delivery to the point I couldn't put my flip flops on and I couldn't even crouch down becuase my entire body was so swollen!! I still have 20-25lbs to go, but I'm obviously not even trying as I need to eat well for my milk supply and we don't always get out for a short walk as besides my back issues, 'things' are still tender...oh, the joys of childbirth!




-Sammy's flowers and butterflies
-feeling Sammy's hands on my face

Our little girl is THREE months old today!!

Somehow, time flies by so quickly these days and I can't believe that our sweet Sophie is already three months old!   After losing Sammy, I just wanted time to speed up so that the pain wouldn't be so hard and that I could get through it...but now, how I wish things would slow down.

Having Sophie with us is that 'perfect fit' that I knew Sammy would have been.  But having her here just makes me wonder what Sammy would have looked like, how our lives would be different with a toddler and an infant around...


Our lives are very busy and hectic, as you can see by this very long overdue post!  Sophie is a great sleeper, meaning that when we put her down around 10 or 11pm, she'll sleep right through till 6-8am, but the tradeoff is that she doesn't want to sleep much during the day.  If I'm lucky, she'll take a 15 minute nap or two, but that's it.  This means that I can't really do much throughout the day as we are "on" and need to occupy her.  Sophie is growing by leaps and bounds.  She is cooing more and more each day and if she could would be chatting up a storm.


I've been meaning to write down Sophie's birth story, but just haven't really had a chance to sit down and do that - and I know that with each passing day the memories get a little fuzzier.  I mean even our difficult stay in the NICU seems like a million years away now and it's so much easier to focus on the joys of today instead of dealing with the pains of the beginning.  But, as you can tell, I'm hoping that this is my comeback, my comeback to journalling [which I've also not done in over 3 months] and my comeback to blogging.


I'd love to share more photos of Sophie with you, but I hope you understand that for safety reasons, I don't plan on posting pictures of our sweetie on a public blog.  I'm sure you'll see 'snippets' like the one above of our sweet girl...


It feels good to be back - I've missed you all!  I assure you that I have been reading your blogs, even if I didn't always comment on them.  Hugs to you all!

I haven't forgotten you!

I haven't forgotten you - I promise I'm working on the birth story, to be published soon.  As you can imagine, finding time to sit and write is in short supply.  Our rainbow sleeps well, is gaining weight faster than 'normal' and has developed gorgeous chubby cheeks that I love to kiss.  I mourn our angel each day and wonder if he'd look like his sister...
I'll write soon,

She's here :-)

Hello Dear Friends,

I've been absent for a little while - for a very good reason:  our little girl arrived on March 29th, after a difficult 36 hours of back labour.  We were in the NICU for a week and just got home a week ago and are settling in...slowly.  I'll write more when I get the chance... but just wanted to share our good news for now.

Happy 1st Birthday Sammy!!!

My dear sweet Sammy,

Another year has gone by and we miss you more than ever.  There isn't a day that goes by that I don't pray for you or think about you.  I know that you asked our good Lord for a baby sibling so that we wouldn't be here alone, without you.  So THANK YOU my sweet angel... but I still wish so much that you were here, on earth, with us.  The little bear you see at the side here was sent to us by Angel Whispers and we have kept it as a memento of you - it sits by the candle that we light each night and think of you up in heaven.  The last few nights, the stars have been so bright and I often see one prominent star 'peeking' into our window and looking down on me - I can't help but wonder if that is a small message for us from heaven?


Last night, just a few minutes short of midnight, the candle started to flicker and it died almost right at midnight.  It's strange how the wick just happened to end at that particular date and time.  I figured it was fitting that we light a brand new candle for you this evening - I've selected a burgundy candle for you that has an apple cinnamon smell - we'll be lighting it for you tonight.

I often think and wonder how big you would be, would you be walking/crawling?  How many baby teeth would you have by now?  Would you be excited at the prospect of a new baby brother or sister?  Or are you excited about this new baby up in heaven?  I must admit that sometimes I worry that you might be a little jealous that your baby sibling will hopefully get to stay with us, while you are so far away - I hope and pray that isn't the case.  You know, our sweet babe, how much we love and miss you and how much we wish that you could be here with us.  I miss seeing your gorgeous blue eyes [and that is the only thing I can be sure of based on simple biology] and knowing your sweet baby smell.  How I wish that you could have kept us up for hours, or how much we could have heard your voice if even for a moment, or a second to simply hold you... I've prayed for a glimpse of you in my dreams, and even thought I sometimes dream of you, I've never seen your face.  Even that one night, months ago, where I woke up to see a fuzzy, light image floating at the foot of the bed for a moment - but I didn't see YOU.  Even though there is a new baby coming so very soon, you are always in our thoughts and our hearts.  Your baby brother/sister will know all about you and you will not be forgotten, my sweet child.  That is why I made a point of including you in our maternity photos and hope to always have you in our family portraits as well.  Even though you are not here, Sammy, you are a very special part of our family.

It's so hard for me to believe that we were expecting you two years ago!  In some ways, it seems that we lost you so long ago, and at other times it seems that it was just yesterday.  There are days when I can think of you and smile, but then there are days when I think of you and cry.  It pains me to even think that some people don't believe you were real...  we have a constant reminder of you living right next door to us - another little boy who was born a day after you, and who I know would have been a great playmate of yours.  I can't help but see you, whenever I see him... and I haven't even seen his face as I hide whenever I see his mom or dad coming, as the tears are always there as I wish you were here and not so far away.

Lent is always such a sad time for us now, much sadder than it was ever before.  Last year, your birthday fell on a gloomy and rainy day, which matched our mood perfectly.   This year, it is sunny and warm out, almost as if the weather was telling us that the darkness and gloom of last year has passed and that happy and sunny days are ahead - we hope so.  Daddy and I play on going for a walk later and I'm sure we'll be talking and thinking of you!  

If I were to think of a 'silver lining' to all of this, it is the fact that I've 'met' so many wonderful women who also share my grief, either through their blogs or through the Bible Study I did.  I'm honored and humbled to know that you will be remembered by these wonderful ladies, and I hope that you enjoy playing with their sweet babies in heaven.  I know that you are in the good hands of God and His angels, as well our relatives, including your grandpa, your great-grandparents, great aunts and uncles...so many people who love you up there!  Just know that there are also people who love you right here!

Sending you hugs and kisses my sweet baby and Happy 1st Birthday in Heaven!!

Love,

Mommy and Daddy

We're almost there!

It's so hard for me to believe that we are now in our 37th week with Thumper!  This entire pregnancy has seemingly flown by and I'm sad to see it coming to an end.  I love our 'down time' in the evening, when I finally put my swollen feet up, and Thumper moves around like crazy.  I love that feeling of the baby moving, but I wish that Freddie could experience it as well.


At today's OB appointment, my bp continues to be good. 118/74 with a heartbeat of 84 for me, and 150-170 for Thumper, which the OB called 'perfect' - which was frankly music to my ears!  I've had no bleeding, no braxton hicks [unless you count a bit of cramping] and nothing out of the ordinary.  About 2 weeks ago, I started suffering from Carpal Tunnel Syndrome, which I had no idea was part of pregnancy. My hands are so swollen that I can't sleep at night due to the pain, I can't bend my fingers which makes holding a toothbrush comical and I can't even open up my pill bottles.  My feet are also starting to swell up now and my shoes are constantly tight despite being slip ons.


Life continues unchanged.  I've applied for our federal maternity leave program and am waiting to hear if I will be approved.  IF I am approved, then my work is willing to top up the payments for 3 months, so that would be a huge help.  Freddie continues to be unemployed, despite scouring every nook and cranny for possible jobs.  It's just a bad time here and not much is even being posted.  My disability status is unchanged and I pray each night that things will get better.


March is turning out to be a month full of emotion.  Freddie's birthday is on the 13th.  Sammy's birthday would have been on the 10th, and this rainbow is due to arrive on the 25th.  It's so hard for me to imagine what my life might have looked like if Sammy was here with us - we'd have a one year old running around, getting excited at the prospect of a little brother or sister.  A few days ago, Freddie was chatting with our neighbour, who you might recall had a baby due around the same time as Sammy [and whom I've been avoiding like the plague for over a year now], well, anyway, she mentioned to Freddie that her little boy will be turning one on Sunday, the 11th.  Only one day after Sammy's due date.  I'm happy for them, but I still can't help but question why them and not us?  Why will they get to have a family party to celebrate their son, and we will celebrate in silence as noone in our family remembers the importance of these dates.  As each year passes, I feel sadder and sadder that Sammy isn't growing up with us here.


Friends of ours were kind enough to lend us a crib and others came through with other used items.  I found some  decent bedding on clearance at Winners and bought that for the freshly painted room that Freddie had done.  Now, as I sit in the nursery, I wish that Sammy could have seen it, could have slept in that crib if only for one night.  I plan on creating a few crafts to honour Sammy and have them up in the nursery, and we may find a way to honour Sammy via a middle name for Thumper.  I'm just determined that despite the entire world forgetting about Sammy, that our family won't.  That our future child/ren will remember that they have an older sibling and that Sammy's memory will live on.


Maybe that is why I still have trouble believing that Thumper will really be here.  Most of my friends can't understand why I feel this way, but I'm not naive anymore - I know that things can still go wrong at this point and that there is never a guarantee that we'll get to take Thumper home with us.  People keep saying "Boy, you must be so excited", but the honest truth is that I'm not.  I simply won't believe it until I hold this child in my arms and know that we will take him/her home with us.


So as you can see, I have days when I feel a bit better, then days that are a fair bit worse.  I still feel the weight of the world, but seeing the sunshine outside helps a lot.  Then Sammy's absence casts a dark cloud over my day... but I expect that it will always be this way.  I do ask for your prayers for a safe delivery and a healthy baby - Thank you!