2nd Anniversary

Tomorrow, we will honour the second anniversary of Sammy's passing. How hard to believe that TWO years have gone by...and life has changed so very much in that time.

This morning, I went to mass at 7:30am, as it was a mass for Sammy.  Sophie, as if knowing that I'd be up, woke up for her morning feed at 5:30 am, instead of the regular 7-7:30am.  I made it to church before mass started and lit a candle for our sweet babe.  During mass, the intentions mentioned Sammy and I started crying.  The reading was about the lesson that we must be like little children in order to get into heaven and I couldn't help but think how lucky that Sammy was already there, living happily with our Lord and the Angels.  But I also couldn't help, that like Mary [as I was sitting right by a painting of her and the little candles that you light] although I'm honoured that God chose my child for a purpose and to be with Him, I don't necessarily have to like it.  Like Mary, I would have much preferred that the Lord spared my child this path and that our Sammy could be with us instead.  That is selfish, I know, but I'm selfish when it comes to my children.

I'll write a letter to Sammy and put it in his memory box tomorrow.  We'll also do a balloon release with Sophie and spend some quiet family time.  I won't post here tomorrow, as I think I'll spend the day in quiet reflection.

Often, I look at Sophie, and I wonder if Sammy would have looked the same.  Would they have shared a similar nose?  Similar eyes?  I often wonder if Sammy comes to visit Sophie, as she often stares over my shoulder and giggles...a few weeks ago, there was this eerie experience where we were all in bed, but I heard the mobile in her room start to play for a few seconds and stop...was it Sammy checking up on her?  I hope so...

Despite being blessed with Sophie, she doesn't completely fill the hole in my heart where Sammy should be.  I think of him each and every single day, and I pray daily that he knows how much we love him and miss him, but also that he doesn't feel this pain of separation that I do.  It's hard to fathom that I'm a mother to TWO children, but sadly no one recognizes that except for Freddie...it's like it's our little secret.

Loving and missing our angel...

How could I be jealous??

It's no secret that I've always wanted more than one child.  Having grown up as an only child, it was lonely childhood.  My mom was a single parent and my dad was a no-show in my life due to addiction.  If I didn't have cousins and close friends, once my mom is gone, I would be a very lonely girl.  I'm fairly private and don't have many friends, but the ones I do have are wonderful.  Anyway, this is why I don't want Sophie to grow up alone - I really think that growing up alone led me to be very shy, insecure and lack confidence.  I look at my cousin's three boys.  The eldest was extremely timid, shy, clingy and had no confidence whatsoever as a little boy - then they had another baby and the eldest became a big brother and acquired instant confidence at showing his little brother how everything worked.  I totally saw a change in his demeanour and personality...and that is what I want for Sophie, confidence, to be outgoing and personable, not like her mama.

We are friends with another couple, as the wife went to school with my hubby.  This couple are pretty much newlyweds, but over the last year, have lost two angels.  This is always such a tough conversation to have, but knowing that she may need info without wanting to have a full on discussion, I emailed her and disclosed our journey to Clomid and eventually a beautiful baby girl with the help of our fertility clinic.  I suggested that she make an appointment as they clearly didn't have any issues getting pregnant, but rather staying pregnant and the clinic may be able to offer some help.  We hadn't heard anything for weeks, but I kept praying for good news...and last week it came - they are expecting their rainbow in January! I was so thrilled and excited for them...but I'm ashamed to admit, I was a little bit envious.  I loved being pregnant so much and can't wait to have another bundle...just not now.  So I'm thrilled and excited for them, but each time I think of them, I can't shake this slight feeling of jealousy, and that is weird. I mean these folks deserve this wonderful news, and I don't have anything to be envious of, as my gorgeous rainbow is sleeping upstairs in her crib, surrounded by photos of her older brother...and yet that slight envy is still there.

I'm actually starting to worry that I might not have an 'off' button...we discussed two kids, but what if I want more?  I don't know if I could handle more than two kids, but I'm starting to feel the urge for a large family...we'll see what is in God's plan for us... but in the meantime, I feel like I am sinning with my envy...and trust me, I thank the good Lord daily for our rainbow and for our angel...

It's crazy how time flies...

It feels, as if I just blinked, and Sophie is coming up on 4 months.  I'd love to slow down time so I could enjoy all these precious moments more and more, but time moves on its own pace is not concerned with my 'wants'...remember how much I prayed for time to speed up after Sammy's loss, so I wouldn't feel all that pain?  Needless to say, time moved at its own pace, unconcerned with my pain or happiness.


Often, while I'm feeding Sophie, I look into those gorgeous blue eyes, those pink lips puckered up while she eats, the hands that caress my breast or absent-mindedly grab my finer and squeeze...and I think of Sammy.  I think of what life would have been like with a toddler and a newborn.  I wonder if I would have cherished all these quiet moments with Sophie, knowing what I lost with Sammy.  And sometimes, I wonder if Sammy is there, as Sophie stares over my shoulder and starts to laugh for no reason - I'd like to think that our sweet boy visits his little sister and entertains her.


She is totally into grabbing things and putting them in her mouth, drooling A LOT, cooing and smiling.  Her newest talent is laughing so whole-heartedly that it melts my heart...it is the sweetest sound!  She rolled over twice in one day, but nothing since.  All in all, she is a very happy and easy going girl, and we usually don't have any issues with feeding or bedtime, etc.


Things for me aren't easy.  Sophie doesn't nap during the day, but wants to be entertained ALL the time.  For me, with all my chronic pain, this is hard as I don't have much time to lie down or rest.  Luckily, my mom  comes over almost daily to give me a bit of a rest, so that is a HUGE help.  But the part that sucks is that my pregnancy Carpal Tunnel has turned into long-term tendonitis in both hands and it hurts a lot do pick up Sophie...so much that I can't always breastfeed her as I can't hold that long [not to mention that position isn't great for my back either].  I'm doing physio for this [acupuncture and ultrasound] but it doesn't seem to help. I'm told that if this doesn't get better by my next appt at the pain clinic, I'll be referred to the appropriate specialist, but my physiotherapist tells me that the only thing that helps with this is a different type of brace - yey, as if trying to take care of a baby isn't hard enough, let's throw wrist braces into the mix!   But if they help, I'm game, as I almost dropped Sophie today - she kind of arched her back and I lost her, but luckily grabbed her with my other hand at the level of my knees.  I was so glad I caught her!  Don't want to think of what might have happened if I hadn't!


All my other worries still exist - I still don't know what is happening with my disability status after the maternity leave, but considering that my employer has decided to eliminate my job, I have nothing to go back to, if I could.  I hate having choice taken away from me!!  Freddie is still unemployed, not for lack of trying, but the job market really sucks right now.  I am greatful that he is here to help me, but cash would help a lot too!  But amidst all these problems and difficulties, Sophie remains a bright spot of joy in my life.  I can honestly say that she makes life worth living and I"m so very lucky to be her mom and have the privilege of this little angel in our lives...and another angel in heaven too!!

DRAFT

Actually, I had a pretty horrible back labour, which with my back pain was pretty bad...for 36 hours!! I lasted 15 hours without an epidural and by then it was so bad that I couldn't think straight...things were progressing really well until the epidural, then the last centimeter took hours and hours to get to - but I was relatively 'comfortable'. After 3.5 hours of pushing, I was rushed into the OR for a forcep birth, which if it failed would have turned into an immediate C-section. Things got very scary as I was 'prepped' just as for a C-section - oxygen, monitors, the whole thing. Luckily. Zofia was born via forceps relatively quickly - but this kind of birth causes a lot of damage so they were sewing me up for vaginal tears for a good 45 minutes and I had one perineal tear. Don't mean to scare you with all this, but rather let you know what could happen - for me, I had somehow not heard much about back labour and didn't know what that would feel like. I even called the hospital to ask if what I was feeling was back pain or labour [as back pain doesn't come in waves] and they didn't really know, or rather wouldn't tell me over the phone - I'm sure it's CYA mode for legal issues. So we left for the hospital, when what I now know to be contractions were 3 minutes apart and lasted for 3 minutes. My water broke as I sat on the exam table - good timing, eh?


Because my water broke for 22 hours prior to delivery, I had a fever and so did Zofia - so as a precaution they took her to the NICU for 48 hours of antibiotics, which then turned into a spinal tap [still think it was unnecessary] and 7 days of antibiotics, despite all her tests coming back normal and clear. It was very disheartening as the communication with the physicians was horrible - they didn't include us, but rather informed us once they had made a decision and acted on ot. We wanted to be part of her care, not just bystanders - I mean we ARE the parents. I was discharged on Saturday after delivering on Thursday - I could barely walk but they had a bed shortage as they schedule most C-sections for the weekend. Luckily, the NICU coordinator had a cot moved into Zofia's room, so I lived in the NICU all week, and Dave was there with us round the clock except for night time - he'd go home around midnight, do laundry, feed the cats and complete the list of things I needed for the next day [including clothes and toiletries as I thought we'd be there 2 days, not a week], then he'd be back by 8am the next day. It was a week of hell. Not the way we expected it to go, but it wasn't a 'typical' delivery.


Make sure you bring a package of nighttime pads - they only give you a limited supply, and you need the largest ones! Also, bring panties for the pads - I didn't think of that, I just had my maternity underwear which ended up being too loose as they don't have elastics. They only give you one pair of those disposable panties, so the nurses really had to scrounge to get me a second pair. Diapers - you only get 6, so bring more in case you need more...in the NICU we had an unlimited supply and even took some home. Bring a change of clothes for hubby - we brought all my stuff, and I didn't think to bring Dave's toiletries or a change of clothes for him, and he was there for 2 days before he had a chance to go home for a shower and break.

On the 4th floor, there is a Ronald McDonald room for families of patients - this was a Godsend for us during our weeklong stay. It opened up 2 weeks before we were there, so not everyone knew about it. It's totally free and so helpful. THey have 3 'hotel rooms' with beds, linens and full bathrooms with showers, so I was there each day to grab a shower. THey also have laundry facilities, so we could clean our clothes - they even have 'loaner' clothes you can wear while yours are washing. They have a fully stocked fridge, so we would go there for breakfast and lunch as it not only saved us $$, but we were sick of eating unhealthy hospital cafeteria food - yuck! They have internet and phones, which made it easier to stay in touch with everyone while we were stuck at the hospital. So if you guys end up staying longer [hope not!], you can take advantage of this.

I don't know what else to tell you Claudia. We are thrilled to have our angel home - there are some trying times, but for the most part, she eats like a champ, sleeps between 3-5 hours at a stretch, which is great...but my milk supply isn't where it needs to be so we're supplementing with formula, so I get up to pump during the night and Dave does the night time feeding with bottled breastmilk or formula, as it would just take me too long to breastfeed, then pump and express...by the time you finish it's almost time to do it all over again. BTW...if you do choose or need to supplement, the hospital uses Similac Advance formula - so if you don't want that, you might want to bring your own.

I hope I haven't painted a gory picture - we just had a difficult delivery, but they are not all like that. If you want to chat about how things went or have questions, I'd be happy to answer them - you're more than welcome to come over or to call

Yeah, it was a rough delivery - I forgot to mention that she was also turned the wrong way and that made it all the more painful too...but go in positive, hopefully all will go well and you will have a more 'standard' delivery. The nurses in L&D were awesome though, so you will be well taken care of. THe med students coming in constantly and introducing themselves are a bit annoying...one guy asked if I remembered him and I thought 'Should I??' I mean I won't ever see him again!

Don't worry about the epidural - it WILL work. It won't work if you have it administered too late, but you can always ask them to tell you before you reach the 'point of no return' and you'll be fine. I just kept telling myself that women have done this for a very long time, and that I'm not the first woman to give birth...but those women didn't have modern drugs or epidurals. I kept thinking of 'cave women' giving birth alone in the wild and worrying about wild animals finding her or the baby - compared to that, we've got a breeze  [I know...it's the power of suggestion]. Wow, that is a big baby - if you opt for a c-section, you can tell them once you get there that that is your preference...but you'll still be in labour for a while until they get you in. Just make sure that Marcus will be a good advocate for you - he should know your birth plan and should know what you would want, as you can imagine we are a little vulnerable during labour and can't think straight - so it's important that he can stand up for you. Even after delivery, my head felt like I was swimming a little bit and it helped to have Dave be the 'voice of reason'.

You only gained 20lbs? Good for you! I gained over 60, but I lost 40 by the time we left the hospital - thanks to not eating, not sleeping and stressing through the roof!! I swelled up like a balloon a few days after the delivery to the point I couldn't put my flip flops on and I couldn't even crouch down becuase my entire body was so swollen!! I still have 20-25lbs to go, but I'm obviously not even trying as I need to eat well for my milk supply and we don't always get out for a short walk as besides my back issues, 'things' are still tender...oh, the joys of childbirth!




-Sammy's flowers and butterflies
-feeling Sammy's hands on my face

Our little girl is THREE months old today!!

Somehow, time flies by so quickly these days and I can't believe that our sweet Sophie is already three months old!   After losing Sammy, I just wanted time to speed up so that the pain wouldn't be so hard and that I could get through it...but now, how I wish things would slow down.

Having Sophie with us is that 'perfect fit' that I knew Sammy would have been.  But having her here just makes me wonder what Sammy would have looked like, how our lives would be different with a toddler and an infant around...


Our lives are very busy and hectic, as you can see by this very long overdue post!  Sophie is a great sleeper, meaning that when we put her down around 10 or 11pm, she'll sleep right through till 6-8am, but the tradeoff is that she doesn't want to sleep much during the day.  If I'm lucky, she'll take a 15 minute nap or two, but that's it.  This means that I can't really do much throughout the day as we are "on" and need to occupy her.  Sophie is growing by leaps and bounds.  She is cooing more and more each day and if she could would be chatting up a storm.


I've been meaning to write down Sophie's birth story, but just haven't really had a chance to sit down and do that - and I know that with each passing day the memories get a little fuzzier.  I mean even our difficult stay in the NICU seems like a million years away now and it's so much easier to focus on the joys of today instead of dealing with the pains of the beginning.  But, as you can tell, I'm hoping that this is my comeback, my comeback to journalling [which I've also not done in over 3 months] and my comeback to blogging.


I'd love to share more photos of Sophie with you, but I hope you understand that for safety reasons, I don't plan on posting pictures of our sweetie on a public blog.  I'm sure you'll see 'snippets' like the one above of our sweet girl...


It feels good to be back - I've missed you all!  I assure you that I have been reading your blogs, even if I didn't always comment on them.  Hugs to you all!

I haven't forgotten you!

I haven't forgotten you - I promise I'm working on the birth story, to be published soon.  As you can imagine, finding time to sit and write is in short supply.  Our rainbow sleeps well, is gaining weight faster than 'normal' and has developed gorgeous chubby cheeks that I love to kiss.  I mourn our angel each day and wonder if he'd look like his sister...
I'll write soon,

She's here :-)

Hello Dear Friends,

I've been absent for a little while - for a very good reason:  our little girl arrived on March 29th, after a difficult 36 hours of back labour.  We were in the NICU for a week and just got home a week ago and are settling in...slowly.  I'll write more when I get the chance... but just wanted to share our good news for now.