Things are....

...mixed, very mixed.  I haven't posted too much lately as I don't know what to say.  I guess I should start with where we are in the TTC process.


As you know from my last post, we had a monitored cycle at our fertility clinic.  Since then, I've been tracking my BBT and was pretty excited that my temp has been fairly steadily sitting at around 98F, which is 'high' for me - but today I read that this is most likely caused by the progesterone suppositories that I'm taking.  So I feel a bit deflated by that today.

From: Stress and It's Effects on Women's Health

I'm confident that I ovulated on Day 12, Day 13 at the latest according to the bloodwork, and as today is Day 25, I can test on Day 27 which is Saturday.  But you know I already tested...twice!  You also know I tested negative both times and told myself it was too early.  I'm trying to be optimistic...trying, but it's like a see-saw, I'm up one minute and down the next.  


Today on my walk, and in the last few days, I've had a bit of abdominal cramping and I try to pray that it's implantation and pregnancy, but I'm well aware that it could also be Aunt Flo around the corner.  I know that this is slightly too much info, so forgive me, but a day or two ago I noticed a tiny amount of pink discharge in the toilet and my hopes rose a bit.  The last 3 days I've been exhausted, I mean I can't get out of bed before 9:30-10:00am.  My dreams are vivid and weird.  I've been a bit more emotional this week, having tears flow 3 times for no great reason.  One time, I was in church during confirmation and I just thought to myself whether I would feel sad the year that our baby would have been confirmed and before I could blink, I was a fountain of tears, trying to wipe them discreetly.  


 I analyze everything about my body now - are my breasts tender?  Do I feel a little weird? Does that smell bug me? Is my temp up?  Could this be IT?  I know - I'm driving myself crazy. One minute I think 'we did it!' and the next I know we failed.  I guess the pressure is on also because a year ago in June we conceived our sweet baby - I read somewhere that women are more fertile around their birthdays and with mine being at the end of May [yes, I'm a Gemini, can't you tell?], that theory panned out last year and so I'm hoping that it works again this year.  I pray at night, I pray during my walk, I pray during the day...that is the only thing I can do, the only thing I can control.


If we fail this time, it will be our 2nd failed clomid cycle and I wonder at what point we should consider IUI.  Do we try a third cycle on our own and then get help with IUI?  Do we move forward now?  Do we wait a bit?


So things are really all over the map and my emotions are also all over the place.  I'm desperately trying to be positive, but I can't help but prepare for a failure as well as I'm trying to protect myself.  Sometimes I wonder how we got here?  Things were going so well for the first two year of our marriage, then last year everything seemed to change and all the challenges showed up.  I'm so thankful to God for blessing me with a wonderful man who is sticking by me in the darkest days of our marriage - I pray for our marriage to see light and joy soon...