I'm feeling 'Off'

Hi folks,
I'm not even sure how to start off this post or what it will end up being about.  I have several thoughts swirling through my head and it's hard to predict which one will actually 'land' on this page...


I'm having a bad pain day today. We had done a few 'normal' things on the weekend and I think I'm now paying for them. It wasn't that much, really, but apparently enough to make today really difficult.  My back is stiff and hurts a lot - it's hard for me to get up from the couch and I was almost crying while cleaning the litter boxes today as it hurt so much.  I should take my new 'extra pain killer', but I don't want to be 'foggy' all day - it's sad that those are my choices.


On the weekend, we had gone to a housewarming  party for dear friends of ours who had renovated a century home.  We only stayed about 3 hours, but that was about 2 hours too long for me.  They had done an amazing job with the house, since their wedding in November, and it was refreshing to see a couple so full of joy and happiness about the future - it made me realize that I feel stuck where we currently are and I dare not dream of what our future might look like.  Actually, let me rephrase that - I'm scared to imagine what our future might look like.  While there, I of course had to deal with 2 pregnant bellies and a bevy of toddlers running around.  At one point we were talking with another friend who got married last year and is contemplating having kids.  I just nodded politely, but in my head I heard "Oh please...you're 40!  Maybe you should do more than just THINK about it...maybe you should book yourself at the closest fertility clinic as you have no inkling of what you are in for!!!"  Obviously I didn't say it, but I again recognized that I no longer had that same naivete, thinking that the moment we start trying it will happen...


On Sunday, we went to another dear friend's home for lunch.  This is a girlfriend that has been in my life since we were kids, so well over 30 years.  We used to talk a lot, but since she got married 18 years ago, I no longer have her to myself, I always have some package deal: either her and hubby, her/hubby/2 kids, her/2 kids, etc.  In the last 18 years, I think we have gone out, just the two of us, 3 times.  I often suggest that we grab a coffee and talk, but she always insists on bringing the kids or her husband along. I don't mind, but honestly, there are times when I'd like to share some issues that I don't feel are appropriate for younger ears.  So yesterday, her kids were clearly home and hung around us all the time.  Somehow, the conversation just wasn't 'gelling'.  I asked the kids about vacation and their plans, which were meant with the typical teenage 'I don't know'.  At one point the kids went downstairs and we had a real conversation, but that was killed pretty quickly when her brother and his girlfriend showed up and the talk changed to what they needed for their new house.  I felt like I had a permasmile on my face which was trying to mask my boredom and frustration.  I would have loved to talk to my friend about our infertility issues, or the things that I'm dealing with in my life, but not only did I not have a chance to talk to her, but it also seemed like our lives were literally worlds apart.


So I'm back to where I started, that I simply feel 'off', not really myself, unsettled, annoyed... maybe I'm just tired of vying for someone's attention, instead of having someone genuinely interested in me.  I guess there is a tinge of disappointment that my friends and family don't take an interest in what is happening with us and it is all this superficial 'contact'.  Oh, I don't know...I just feel off today....