I am a mother of 5

Hello Dear Friends,
It's been some time since I've been here - I guess I just needed a break to digest and just try to deal with everything.  I've been trying to journal in my private notebook at home, as so much has happened.  I will summarize the last 4 months as best as I can.

Thank you so much for all your prayers and kind emails.  Following the CVS testing, we learned that the baby we named Asia not only had Alobar Holoprosencephaly [her brain was not forming properly], but she also had Trisomy 13, a genetic defect that in most cases is incompatible with life.  Sadly, our little girl, Asia, earned her wings on Wed. March 19th.  I had just started my fifth month of pregnancy and was feeling good.  I had had a bit of spotting and was worried that her birth may be imminent, but I had an ultrasound and an OB appointment that Thursday and I was hoping to see our little girl.  Unfortunately, it just wasn't meant to be.  Freddie had left for work and I was resting on the couch after breakfast - Sophie had just told me that she needed a diaper change and so I got up to put my coffee cup on the kitchen counter, when there was a huge gush of water that soaked my bathrobe and nightgown. I knew my water had broken and that I had just delivered Asia.  I made it to the bathroom only to discover that indeed, our sweet little girl was here, attached by a very short umbilical cord.  I kept trying to call Freddie, but he wasn't answering - finally I called my mom who lives down the street and I begged her to rush over. The few minutes it took her to drive over seemed so long.  Finally, she was there and I asked her to cut the umbilical cord and get me something to put Asia on.  She was so tiny - she fit into my hand.  She was very fragile, her skin was almost translucent.  She had long fingers and toes, and a long torso like Sophie.  I cried and cried and cried.  I didn't want things to end this way - I had planned a lovely birth in a hospital, where Sophie could meet her little sister, surrounded by family...but here I was, alone and honestly scared to let Sophie see her sister - she was coming upon 2 and I was worried that she would be scared. Finally, I got through to Freddie and he rushed home.  To make a long story short, we had time at home to spend with Asia, then my OB insisted that I rush to the hospital and was admitted to the Perinatal Palliative Care room, where they treat terminal births.  Our nurses were amazing and took such good care of us. My mom stayed with Sophie all day, until we returned home at night.

Thing were made worse when 2 days later it turned out that despite taking meds, there was still a retained piece of placenta and I was rushed in for a emergency surgery.  Freddie had to go home to take care of Sophie, my mom was ill and I was in the ER alone, grieving and scared out of my mind.  I had never had surgery and I was so scared of what might happen.  Luckily, the surgery went well and I was released that same night at my request - I was home in bed with Sophie by 3am.  Sophie had never been alone from me that long, and even when I called Freddie at midnight to tell him I was being discharged, I could barely hear him over her crying.

We held a small, private funeral. We didn't invite or even tell anyone except my mom.  It was small, private and intimate. Only the people who had met Asia and loved her were there.  I had made a flower arrangement for her - but it just didn't seem to suit her.  We had had Asia cremated the week prior - I insisted on outfitting her cremation box with an Angel Blanket I had knitted in a calm pink, photos of all of us including Sammy's ultrasound and Sophie's announcement that she would be a big sister, a small bunny to keep her company [I bought two and kept the other one at home].  We decorated her cremations box with stickers and flowers. The entire experience at the funeral home was horrid, with insensitive people, stupid rules and ignorance, not at all what I had expected, but that is another blog post...

Sadly, we received no support from friends or family...again.

In the months since, I have healed physically - the first 3 weeks I couldn't lift anything, so my mom went with me everywhere as I couldn't put Sophie in her car seat or lift her up on the change table.  Both Freddie and I turned 40 - further genetic testing revealed that neither one of us is a carrier for Trisomy 13 and we were cleared to try again.  Although I don't feel emotionally ready to continue our TTC journey, we have forged ahead as we don't have the luxury of time.  We had also consulted with our local government adoption agency and learned all about the adoption process - but in the end, we have decided that adoption is not for us at the moment [again, another blog post].  

We had our first TTC cycle in June and I just knew that I was pregnant.  Indeed I was, only to miscarry a few days later.  I was devastated that "Tiny" had left us so soon.  July came and another faint positive showed up, only to end in another loss of "Teeny" this past weekend.  I'm tired, I'm defeated, I'm sad and I'm angry - how much pain does one family deserve?  Should we just stop trying?  I feel like I'm 'cheating' on these babies by trying again...and not grieving them properly by continuing TTC.  I don't understand the point of all this, the lesson that I'm supposed to learn, that kernel that should make me a better person...I keep waiting to understand.

It completely boggles my mind that we have one living child...but I am a mother of five.