In my life, it is sad to report that the world has not stopped for anyone close to me - in fact, I don't think it's even slowed down a little. When we lost our firstborn, Sammy, the lack of empathy, love and support from everyone was, I thought, because we had not announced our pregnancy to anyone, following that silly rule of waiting till you are out of the first trimester [waiting for what, to grieve and cry alone??]. This time, we let ALL our friends and family know that Asia had two 'incompatible with life' diagnoses and that we were carrying her as long as we could. We sent our first email out to 40+ people, asking for specific things during our pregnancy: please spend time with us and our 2 year old daughter Sophie, ask about Asia and her condition, feel free to call us, we want to see you. We had ONE invitation for a visit with friends during the 6 weeks that I carried her with the diagnoses and ONE family dinner [but that was because it was my husband's birthday].
During our time with Asia, we had very limited contact with anyone. It was as follows:
1. At the family dinner for my husband's birthday, noone asked about Asia and instead we spent 55 minutes talking about my brother-in-laws canoe trip this summer. I sat there through the entire dinner with tears in my eyes as I felt that noone cared what we were going through. At one point, my other brother-in-law asked what I thought about the conflict in the Ukraine, and I just mumbled that we don't watch the news right now. I wanted to scream that my days and nights are filled with reading books of how to love your child and prepare for their death, reading blogs and articles of what Trisomy 13 is and if there are any living children with that and Alobar Holoprosencephaly, so no, we don't watch the news right now. Noone asked how we were coping, how things were going, did we have any news...nothing.
2. A few weeks later, our friends invited us to join them for dinner at their place and we agreed, not knowing that we'd lose Asia that week, that I'd suffer an emergency D&C due to retained placenta...but we went for dinner 4 days after her death to get out of the house and offer Sophie some 'normalcy' - its not normal to see mom and dad cry all day and night after all.
3. Ten days after Asia's death and one week after my surgery was Sophie's 2nd birthday. We had sent out invites to our families a few weeks in advance and had planned on holding 2 parties, simply as we don't have the space to accommodate both our sides at once. My family came on Saturday and Freddie's came on Sunday. Not a single person emailed to ask if we are still having the party in light of Asia's death. Only my mother-in-law offered to help with food - noone else offered [we made the food, decorated, I even made 2 birthday cakes from scratch]. Not a single person spoke her name or asked about her. They never knew that just the day before, we had decorated her cremation box and said our last goodbye's to her at the funeral home. They never knew how painful and difficult it was.
Don't get me wrong - we did get some flowers. My mother-in-law brought over a potted plant, my mom brought us flowers, our friends sent over a potted plant and my cousins sent us a gorgeous arrangement. I emailed my cousins to thank them for this token of remembrance [they did nothing for Sammy] and I explained that I would have called, but I was just released from the hospital that morning after having emergency surgery [didn't mention what it was]. I had expected them to call or email back...but nothing. Noone inquired how I was doing, if we needed anything, nothing. We were blessed to have ONE set of friends who were lovely enough to invite Freddie and Sophie for dinner the night of my surgery, as Sophie is very attached to me and has never been away from me before - since my surgery was an emergency, I was admitted to the ER and then had to wait for a surgical suite to open up, so it took some time. Once we were home, these wonderful friends made us enough dinners to last a week and brought a book and a stuffed Elmo for Sophie to help entertain her. This was so lovely!! They were the only ones who stepped up, other than my mom, who has been here daily. I couldn't lift anything over 10lbs post surgery and my mom would go with me everywhere to put Sophie in her carseat or just to lift her onto the change table for me...I don't know what I'd do without her.
Other than this small gesture of kindness, we felt and feel totally alone. Freddie says that I expect too much out of people...but even he has shared how hurt and disappointed he is with our friends and family. Our friends have not called or emailed. It was the 4 month anniversary of Asia's death a few weeks ago and by sheer coincidence, we were throwing my mother-in-law a surprise dinner - noone mentioned the anniversary or Asia, noone asked how we were doing. In fact, one of my brothers-in-law has still not even offered condolences. I understand that people don't know what to say - but if you feel sad, think for a moment how we feel? All our friends, the people who we spent time with, weddings, graduations, baptisms, vacations...gone. Our families, who claim that they are so close-knit and loving - not there. It's been almost 5 months since Asia died, the summer is nearing it's end and we have not been invited or spoken to our friends or families - and we live in the same town!! It's so heartbreaking to know that our sadness and tragedy didn't even register on the radar screen of these people. Why can't they love and care about Asia...or us for that matter? The silence from all these people is not only disappointing and hurtful, but frankly deafening.
The world didn't just stop ...it didn't even slow down...
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