How could it be FOUR years already??

It seems so very long ago, and yet it seems like yesterday.  I think of Sammy each and every day. In some twisted way, I find some comfort that Sammy is not alone up there in heaven and that he now has three new siblings to play with.  I know, I know, I've read books that talk about the perfection of heaven, that our loved ones don't feel pain or experience longing - but I still worry that he misses us as much as we miss him.  I know that in the perfection of heaven, having siblings with him shouldn't make a difference - but I hope it does.

We had reserved a mass for Sammy a few weeks ago, but we didn't tell anyone.  My mom noticed it on her own in the church bulletin, but I didn't remind her and she forgot to come.  Freddie also had a crazy day at work and had to be there at 8am - and mass was also at 8am.  So, for once I got to wake Sophie up and get her moving early.  Mass was nice and it was fitting that today was the Feast of the Assumption [celebrating Mary's ascension into Heaven] and I was glad to be there alone - there was a strange comfort in doing something for Sammy. We lit a candle for Sammy and Asia, as I didn't have any more coins.  It was heartbreaking to see Sophie lighting candles for siblings she'll never know.

Later that morning, we were going to Costco, and Sophie kept chattering about "Sammy, Asia, Tiny, Church".  I panicked for a moment as I haven't told my mom about Tiny or Teeny - she worries about me too much already.  So I told her we were at church that morning and she proceeded to tell me that back in the old country, they didn't reserve masses for unborn infants because they are angels and don't need the grace of a mass.  I couldn't help but answer with some anger that the Catholic Church has no official standing on what happens to the souls of unborn children.  Baptism does not apply, as it has to be a live birth, but little souls who don't take a breath are in the unknown.  When I spoke with my priest about this, while I was arranging Asia's funeral, all he said was that we don't know, but that Saint Pope John Paul II had said that our God would not be so heartless as to exclude these little souls from the gates of Heaven.  So I hope and pray that all my children are safe in the arms of God in Heaven, but I don't know...I wish I did.

I used to write letters to Sammy at his Angelversary and on his due date...but they all said the same thing - I miss you, I love you, I hope you are OK.  I don't know what more to write.  I don't know what more to share.  Those exact thoughts run through my head daily and I pray for his safety up there.  Maybe I'll come up with something tonight.  I've read that if you write a letter to your angel, you can try to write a letter back to yourself and that it may be influenced by your angel...but I never have an overwhelming feeling.  I've prayed for a dream of Sammy for 4 years, but still nothing.

Yesterday we went for a walk with our neighbour, you remember the one who was expecting a boy at the same time as we were?  Her little guy is 3.5 - the same age Sammy would have been. Sophie likes playing with him and it kills me to see them playing together, because Sammy should be here!!  Sophie and Sammy should be goofing around together!  She should have a partner in crime all the time!!

Tonight, we celebrated Sammy's Angelversary with cannolis and puff pastry.  We lit Birthday candles and had Sophie blow them out - at least a little bit of Sammy in her life.