A quick update...

I haven't written in a long time - I wish I had the desire, but I simply didn't.  Life has been difficult at best the last little while and while feeling like crap, the last thing I want to do is relive it in writing.  But in the hope of explaining what's been going on, I'll try to do a quick recap.

We did go see a new fertility doctor in another city.  We drove 2 hours to see him, then waited for 4 hours to be seen by him.  Without any arguing, he was willing to do all tests on all antibodies and syndromes - things that our current doctor had refused to do.  We were, in fact, told that unless we opted to do IUI or IVF, that it was a waste of her time to investigate further.  This is the same woman who had been pushing us to do ART, when I made it clear that as a Catholic, this was not an option for me....but I digress.  Anyway, all the tests came back normal on Freddie and I.  The only thing that showed, was that at 40, my ovarian reserve is below average - no shocker there.  He offered us injectable meds, which again were previously denied [they were only available to IUI patients] and due to the Holidays, we drove 4 hours round trip for simply monitoring.  

Christmas was difficult.  Last year, we had announced to everyone that we were expecting Asia.  This year we should have had a 4 month old to celebrate with, but instead, I was hugging a box of her ashes.  I had made memorial ornaments for her and for our other angels - we had clear hearts that were filled with a white feather that we gave to all grandparents as a memorial to Asia - none of them were emotional.  My in-laws even had to read it twice, as it hadn't sunk in who "Asia" was...that was heartbreaking.  The last ornament was for us, listing all the names of our 'chemical pregnancies', those sweet babies who left too soon, and whose names we kept to ourselves.

In January, I had a government hearing for disability.  I had applied for disability benefits through our government 5 years ago and kept getting denied.  I know it was because of my 'young' age.  My legal rep felt comfortable that we'd win - but we know its a hard road.  To make a long story short, I won.  I was approved and deemed 'disabled' at the federal level - finally!  Now my work disability insurer will leave me alone - my income is secure.  Although I feel horrible that there are so many things I can't do, I'm happy that this is finally settled and over.  The harassing phone calls have stopped - although now the insurer keeps calling asking when they get their reimbursement cheque.  I still miss work, miss feeling like a productive member of society - miss feeling like I matter and am making a difference - but I'm not sure if I'll ever get that feeling back.

Following the hearing, I had a massive pain flare - I couldn't move for weeks. Apparently, this is common, as you push yourself to get through the disability hearing and all that stress affects your pain.  I was so scared of how much I hurt - if I hurt this much now, what am I going to do when I get older??  I finally broke down and called my pain specialist. I was brought in for a lidocaine infusion, which has helped in the past, but this time did nothing. I felt a tiny bit better immediately afterwards, but by that night I was hurting again.  I was also prescribed Ketamine tablets, which took several days to start working.  The ketamine finally helped - I had gone for weeks in agony.  We had to stop TTC as ketamine is not safe in pregnancy, and frankly taking a month off was really good - we felt human again with no stress, no timed intercourse, just a normal couple again.

March was tough -it was Sammy's 4th due date, Freddie's birthday, Asia's 1st angelverary and Sophie's 3rd Birthday.  So it was a rollercoaster ride, with sadness followed by joy, and repeat.

And here we are in April.  After doing three rounds using the Puregon pen, I was switched to Menopur.  This was our first round of Menopur and I knew it was going to be a success, as at the first ultrasound I had 6 possible follicles - more than I had had in a long time.  And I was right - I sit here pregnant as I write... but its all coming to an end.  My HCG levels are dropping and I've been waiting for 4 days to start miscarrying our 10th child - our 9th loss.  I can't write more now...not sure what to say. I'm numb, I'm angry, I'm defeated.