He would have been 2...

It's a strange year.  We've been so busy celebrating a year of firsts with Sophie, that I've honestly been too busy to write my annual letter to Sammy this year.  Is it a terrible thing? I don't know.  I don't feel much guilt about it, as I think of Sammy daily, throughout the day and especially at night as I pray my prayers of thankfulness and gratitude for the blessings that we do have, and when I ask our Lord to keep Sammy safe and surrounded by love until we get there.  So is it really such a big deal that I still haven't penned my thoughts for him?  I'm fairly certain that Sammy knows and feels how much we love and miss him on a daily basis.  

Now that Sophie is growing into a one year old toddler, her personality and her character are showing more and more each day.  Naturally, this leads us to wonder all the traits that Sammy would have had.  Would he have her blue eyes?  Would he be a good eater like she is?  Would he have the same laugh?  Would he be as stubborn as she is?  More and more, as I think of Sammy, I wonder if actually Sammy would have been a girl...but for the purposes of this blog, I'll keep referring to Sammy as 'him'.

The nice thing is that after all this time, we can bring up Sammy casually in conversation and most of the time, I'm ok with it.  I still, often, have my throat tighten, but I don't cry.  We can talk about Sammy with some happiness and this is good.  I want to be able to talk about Sammy with Sophie, so that its a normal part of our family life for her to know she has a sibling.  We try to do that now when she randomly waves to the bookshelf or smiles at the ceiling - "Oh, are you playing with Sammy?"

I will write my letter to Sammy next week, once the dust settles from Sophie's first birthday.  I always write one on this blog, then write another personal letter that I put in his memory box and this year will be no different...except for the delay.

We love and miss you very much our sweet Sammy - you are never forgotten or far from our hearts!!!

Failing Motherhood 101

I wish I could say that my life is the idyllic example of motherhood portrayed in Norman Rockwell paintings.  You know, mother and babe snuggling in front of the fire, enjoyable bath times and calmly watching as your babe sleeps in the crib.  I'm going to break the mom code and talk about the fact that motherhood is hard...and difficult.  I don't know if it's just me, due to the fact that I'm almost 40, have always had very limited patience, or the fact that since I've been dealing with chronic pain I'm aggravated that much faster, but I find that I can go from happily dealing with baby to anger and/or tears in 3 minutes flat.

I should explain, though, that dealing with chronic pain is more than simply being in pain all the time.  In addition to the constant pain, there are a lot of psychological issues that tag along - depression, sadness, low self worth, blaming yourself and a lot of negativity.  I feel devalued on a daily basis, like a failure at life.  I mean I can't work, I no longer bring the same income, I can't keep up with housework, I don't see friends as often or even enjoy going out.  Being sick, I feel like I'm a shell of my old self, and at times I barely recognize myself.  And at a time that should be the happiest period of my life, I feel almost cheated because I'm not giddy all the time.

So let me tell you what happened today.  I was getting tired of feeding Sophie the same old thing and a fellow mom gave me a recipe for buckwheat curry.  I was all excited to try it and introduce Sophie to new tastes and offer her a dish with loads of vitamins.  My mom came over and watched her for a little bit so I could get all the ingredients combined and cooked.  I then pureed it so there were very few lumps [at almost 11 months, she is eating texture, but still gags sometimes on lumps] and packed the bulk of it for the freezer in little pots.  The rest, I left for Sophie to have after our afternoon nap and breastfeed session.  I was worried that the mixture was a little too thick, so I added a fair bit of water.  Well, Sophie started to gag on it...so I added more water to loosen up the mixture.  But sadly it was just not going down, so I got some applesauce out of the freezer and would 'cheat' by putting half a spoon of curry and the rest applesauce.  Finally success, the food started to go down, albeit slowly.  Each bite was a struggle.  She probably ate half a bowl when Freddie tried to help by forcing a spoonful and then it ALL came back up.  I was watching it in slow motion as all the apple/curry mixture reappeared.  After struggling with the entire feed, I just couldn't take it anymore. I had to walk away while Freddie cleaned up Sophie...and I proceeded to cry.  I think I yelled at Freddie while he was stripping her down, taking my anger out on someone...I might have yelled at Sophie too. It was sadness, anger, frustration, defeat, etc. all rolled into one.  I just felt like such a failure - I couldn't even get my own kid to eat supper.  Not to mention how much effort went into it!!  

Is it my lack of patience? Delayed post partum coming in? Normal mommy angst with everyday life?  Chronic pain interfering with my life in yet another way?  I'm not sure, but immediately afterward, I felt like a failure for loosing my cool and getting upset.  I mean, what's the big deal?  My almost 11 month old puked her entire dinner up - this is normal stuff with kids, right?  In the grand scheme of things, its life.  My getting angry or upset doesn't mean anything to Sophie right now and it doesn't change her behaviour.  Often, I find that I'm doing well with her and then she'll do something that drives me crazy.  Perhaps its the fact that I'm with her ALL the time now.  Freddie is starting up a new business so he's gone all day and then has all sorts of evening events, so most nights I'm lucky to have him home for an hour to play with Sophie.  My mom comes over to help a couple of times a week for a couple hours...and the rest of the time its just her and me...ALL THE TIME.

Do any other mom's have a tough time with their little ones?  I mean, I love her to death and fought so hard to get her here....and I'm so ashamed that I'm being such a bad mom by losing my temper with her :-(

Desperate for sleep!

I am nursing a headache as I write today...and I'm desperate for sleep!

It's been so long...

I can't believe that it's been 6 months since I've written a word here.  I wish I could offer some exciting excuse like travelling around the world, or perhaps solving my medical problems...but the honest truth is, I've simply been busy being a mom.  Sophie is very attached to me [and I to her] and she is very demanding of my time.  Often, by the time she makes it to bed its 11pm or beyond and the last thing I want to do is hop on the laptop at that point.  But I've been lamenting that time is whizzing by way too fast, and so I'd like to make a conscious effort to document more of her childhood through writing.  So here I find myself, revisiting my old blog on a cold monday night, when my little girl has graced me with an earlier than normal bedtime...whew!

As the days go by, I often think of Sammy and where we SHOULD be.  With every one of Sophie's milestones, I feel the ache of what I'll never experience with Sammy.  Each night I pray that my child doesn't feel pain or longing the way we do, and that the angels take care of my babe...and each night I am painfully aware that Sophie is on loan, not mine to keep, but mine to guard, love and protect until we part ways, hopefully at my severely advanced age!

Over the last months, Sophie has arrived at 10 months of age.  Recently, she's decided to start crawling and is seriously on the move.  She's been strong on her legs since birth.  As a newborn, you could stand her on her feet and she'd hold her own weight.  She's been 'walking' if you hold her hands for months now, and I even thought she'd skip crawling all together and go straight to walking, but no such luck.  At the age of 9 months, she decided to give crawling a try and has never looked back.  Her mischievous side is coming out too - if she nears the catbowls and I tell her NO, she'll smile and speed up to get there first before I can stop her.  This crawling thing is a mixed bag, as I love the fact that she's a little more independent, but it also means that I have to be on the move right along with her, and I find that difficult at times.

We've been signing to Sophie since the 3 month mark, but so far I haven't seen her sign back. From all I've been told, she should start signing back to us any time now.  A few nights ago, I thought she signed FOOD back to me, but it might have been wishful thinking.

Breastfeeding has not been easy for us. I simply don't produce enough milk.  I've been on Domperidone since week 1 and it helps, but we still supplement with formula.  I tried all the herbal stuff, fenugreek and milk thistle, and it did nothing for me.  I was told that if you take that stuff after the 12 week mark, its too late and it won't work - I repeat, it did nothing for my milk production.  So we hobble along with the Domperidone.  Sophie moved onto solids around 6.5 months of age.  It was slow going at first, but now she loves to eat and it really good at it.  She is sometimes slow to try something new, unless she's very hungry.  She won't take another mouthful until her mouth is completely empty - often she shakes her head NO if I offer her food to soon.  So I'll shake my head YES and she starts to laugh.  We had some difficulty with meat - I tried to give her pureed meat and she'd gag to the point that she'd throw up. Finally, a friend suggested to put it with cereal, and she's been eating meat happily ever since.  Now, we're moving onto eating solid pieces of food, a piece of meat, toast, donuts, a piece of fruit, etc.  We're also trying to eat at the table as a family at dinner time, so that Sophie can see us eating food and be more open to trying the food that we eat.  So far, she's resists trying new things like fusilli noodles, or pieces of meat, so I kind of have to shove the first piece into her mouth, and then she'll open wide for the next bite.

Sophie is very social and loves playing with other kids at the mommy groups I go to.  Frankly, we often go to these events more for her to have some social time and less for me, as often I simply don't feel well.  She often wants to touch the other kids or put her fingers in their mouths [that's what she does to me now all the time].  Sophie also loves to sing in church, especially when its absolutely silent...she starts at full volume.  And what can I do? I try to 'shush' her, knowing full well that it means nothing to a 10 month old, but I don't want to be THAT parent who everyone sends an evil eye to.

On a personal front, I hurt...a lot.  Sophie is getting heavier and its getting tougher to carry her around. My wrists have developed tendonitis, possibly from holding her while breastfeeding, and in general, I hurt more all over.  Luckily, my mom is over almost daily to give me a break so I can prep dinner or sometimes just put my feet up and rest.

Sophie naps on me, which although not ideal as I can't get anything done around the house, is nice as I get to nap and snuggle with her.  That's just the way we've always done it from the beginning, and since we use a lact-aid instead of bottles, we enjoy this time.  At night, though, its another matter.  We used to try and put her down around 6:30-7:00pm and she'd fall asleep while feeding, then wake up about an hour later and be ready to goof around for 60-90 minutes, then we'd try to feed and put her down again...sometimes this would take me till midnight, a solid 6 hour routine to get her to sleep!  Of course this would also include a few tries of putting her to bed, but her eyes would fly open each time her head hit the crib, so I'd take her up and back to the rocking chair we'd go, sometimes 3-5 times a night!  I've been reading the NO CRY SLEEP SOLUTION, and that combined with moving bedtime to 8-8:30pm, things have been much better.  Tonight, for example, she fed for 45 minutes, then it took me 30 minutes of waiting for her to be in a deep sleep before transferring her to the crib.  Don't get me wrong, it's not always that quick, but it's a lot faster than it used to be.

My mat leave ends at the end of March, and what is next is completely unknown.  Once my mat leave is over, I have to reapply for disability and pray that its reinstated - I can't imagine going back to work with my pain levels.  At home, despite motherhood being hard, I have the flexibility to lie down with Sophie or put her in the playpen which I rest for a little bit. Please pray that I get my disability - otherwise I have no idea where my income will come from...and Freddie is still not working [he's decided to start his own business, but there is no income in the foreseeable future]!

It's strange how much you can love such a tiny little person.  My life prior to being a mom is but a vague memory.  She fits right in and I can't believe it took us so long to get to this point.  She's just such a gorgeous little person, whose personality is starting to shine through and develop.  I simply love watching this little girl grow up...and I hope you don't mind if I change the tone of this blog from being all about the pain of losing Sammy, to now include the love for this amazing little life that shares our home and our heart.

I've missed you all,

Making a conscious choice...

This post is about to get very personal - so you have been warned :-)
I am genuinely looking for input here, especially if you are a practicing Roman Catholic, who can offer some suggestions [although other opinions are valued as well!].

As you are aware, I am a practicing Roman Catholic, and although at time I may not agree with all the 'rules', as a practicing member of my faith, I abide by them.  So here is my dilemma - we currently have a 4.5 month old baby who is the joy of our lives, but we don't want another baby for another year or so. Simply put, I wouldn't be able to take care of a baby and deal with pregnancy symptoms [should we be lucky enough to get pregnant right away] or deal with a baby and an infant simultaneously.  There is also the little matter of my disability hearing, hopefully this winter, and I know that the issue would come up how I am able to care for one child [let alone 2] while I'm 'claiming' to be disabled and unable to hold a regular, daily job.  I would hate for the fact that I'm a mother to ruin my chances to get disability. There is also the issue that with the nasty tendonitis in both hands, they want to start a new treatment next month which is not conducive to being pregnant...and again, for disability purposes I can't refuse medical treatment because I want to get pregnant and expect to be awarded disability.  Yes, I know that it's not a fair comparison or a fair question, but I know that it will be an issue... and for personal vanity, I'd like to get back to my pre-pregnancy weight before trying for another baby [and as of today, that is only 15lbs away!!]

So, the dilemma is, knowing that we don't want a baby for at least a year, do I violate my faith and use birth control in order to have a relationship with my husband?  The natural method is not an option for me as my periods have never been regular [and I still haven't gotten my period yet].  This is really a dilemma for me, as I believe that in order to go to confession and receive absolution, you need to be repentant and want to make an effort to do better, not simply return to doing the same thing.

I feel stuck.  I certainly don't want to reject a baby should God choose to bestow us with one, as I sometimes wonder if we lost Sammy because we had used birth control right after we got married, as we didn't want kids at that point.  I am totally aware that this is God's choice as to how many and when I may have children, but for my medical/disability issues it's just not feasible right now.  Are there any other options I'm overlooking? For now, we simply don't have time or energy to enjoy each other's company, but I know that won't last forever.

Maybe I'm fretting over nothing.  We needed Clomid to get pregnant with Sophie, and it too us over a year to get pregnant with Sammy... but isn't that always the way, when you don't think it will happen, that is just might?

Confused and not sure what choice to make,

2nd Anniversary

Tomorrow, we will honour the second anniversary of Sammy's passing. How hard to believe that TWO years have gone by...and life has changed so very much in that time.

This morning, I went to mass at 7:30am, as it was a mass for Sammy.  Sophie, as if knowing that I'd be up, woke up for her morning feed at 5:30 am, instead of the regular 7-7:30am.  I made it to church before mass started and lit a candle for our sweet babe.  During mass, the intentions mentioned Sammy and I started crying.  The reading was about the lesson that we must be like little children in order to get into heaven and I couldn't help but think how lucky that Sammy was already there, living happily with our Lord and the Angels.  But I also couldn't help, that like Mary [as I was sitting right by a painting of her and the little candles that you light] although I'm honoured that God chose my child for a purpose and to be with Him, I don't necessarily have to like it.  Like Mary, I would have much preferred that the Lord spared my child this path and that our Sammy could be with us instead.  That is selfish, I know, but I'm selfish when it comes to my children.

I'll write a letter to Sammy and put it in his memory box tomorrow.  We'll also do a balloon release with Sophie and spend some quiet family time.  I won't post here tomorrow, as I think I'll spend the day in quiet reflection.

Often, I look at Sophie, and I wonder if Sammy would have looked the same.  Would they have shared a similar nose?  Similar eyes?  I often wonder if Sammy comes to visit Sophie, as she often stares over my shoulder and giggles...a few weeks ago, there was this eerie experience where we were all in bed, but I heard the mobile in her room start to play for a few seconds and stop...was it Sammy checking up on her?  I hope so...

Despite being blessed with Sophie, she doesn't completely fill the hole in my heart where Sammy should be.  I think of him each and every single day, and I pray daily that he knows how much we love him and miss him, but also that he doesn't feel this pain of separation that I do.  It's hard to fathom that I'm a mother to TWO children, but sadly no one recognizes that except for Freddie...it's like it's our little secret.

Loving and missing our angel...

How could I be jealous??

It's no secret that I've always wanted more than one child.  Having grown up as an only child, it was lonely childhood.  My mom was a single parent and my dad was a no-show in my life due to addiction.  If I didn't have cousins and close friends, once my mom is gone, I would be a very lonely girl.  I'm fairly private and don't have many friends, but the ones I do have are wonderful.  Anyway, this is why I don't want Sophie to grow up alone - I really think that growing up alone led me to be very shy, insecure and lack confidence.  I look at my cousin's three boys.  The eldest was extremely timid, shy, clingy and had no confidence whatsoever as a little boy - then they had another baby and the eldest became a big brother and acquired instant confidence at showing his little brother how everything worked.  I totally saw a change in his demeanour and personality...and that is what I want for Sophie, confidence, to be outgoing and personable, not like her mama.

We are friends with another couple, as the wife went to school with my hubby.  This couple are pretty much newlyweds, but over the last year, have lost two angels.  This is always such a tough conversation to have, but knowing that she may need info without wanting to have a full on discussion, I emailed her and disclosed our journey to Clomid and eventually a beautiful baby girl with the help of our fertility clinic.  I suggested that she make an appointment as they clearly didn't have any issues getting pregnant, but rather staying pregnant and the clinic may be able to offer some help.  We hadn't heard anything for weeks, but I kept praying for good news...and last week it came - they are expecting their rainbow in January! I was so thrilled and excited for them...but I'm ashamed to admit, I was a little bit envious.  I loved being pregnant so much and can't wait to have another bundle...just not now.  So I'm thrilled and excited for them, but each time I think of them, I can't shake this slight feeling of jealousy, and that is weird. I mean these folks deserve this wonderful news, and I don't have anything to be envious of, as my gorgeous rainbow is sleeping upstairs in her crib, surrounded by photos of her older brother...and yet that slight envy is still there.

I'm actually starting to worry that I might not have an 'off' button...we discussed two kids, but what if I want more?  I don't know if I could handle more than two kids, but I'm starting to feel the urge for a large family...we'll see what is in God's plan for us... but in the meantime, I feel like I am sinning with my envy...and trust me, I thank the good Lord daily for our rainbow and for our angel...